how to not act out in anger when you see something that makes you angry

[meta.morphate]

Long story short, I mess with this guy - it's been over three years that we've been hanging out, hooking up, it's a toxic situation but I've actually learned a lot about myself from the situation and I feel like I'm in a better place within my self, where this guy isn't able to manipulate me or hurt me because I've just realized that his bad qualities are HIS and I didn't create them or cause them, and the way he acts sometimes it's due to HIS own internal whatever, and is not a reflection on ME. So I'm happier within myself. And since coming to those realizations, and others, he and I have been getting along very well (we have been fighting a LOT, constantly, for the past several months at least). We've been seeing each other every day, and we haven't fought, we've just been goofing around with each other and just having sex and eating food and things are pretty chill. Which I like.

 

 

So, he and I are NOT committed to each other. I recently was talking to another guy, and I realized it's good to have options, but things aren't really going anywhere with that guy ... and this dude talks to other girls, and he always has, and I have not always talked to other guys, but that's not his problem.

 

 

HERE'S THE PROBLEM:

Yesterday I drove by him driving with another girl. I got mad. I've been on this spiritual path where I'm all like, everything is fine, I accept everything as it is, what's between me and him is between me and him and what's not is not and that's cool, but seeing him driving with this girl got me mad. So I texted him and called him out. We started arguing. We were fine by the end of the night but I was very angry yesterday and I think my anger came from MY reactions, and escalating what I saw, as opposed to HIS actions. I threw my phone. I don't want to throw my phone or be angry.

I want to be able to accept that he does what he does and I am free to do what I want to do, and I don't want to fight. I feel like I am the one who started ****, and I don't want to be like that.

 

 

So am I wrong for having acted out in anger? Should I have done something else?

[Bejangled]

Hi meta.morphate

 

I'm just trying to see the source of your anger from what you've written. Honestly, it sounds to me like you're living in a way that seems to conflict with what you want.

 

I could be wrong here, but if you're cool with being in a non-committal relationship with a toxic person, who flirts (or probably f___ks) other women then you wouldn't get angry by his actions. You'd be totally cool....right?

 

This is what makes me believe that you've outgrown this open and toxic relationship. Perhaps your anger is trying to remind you of that but you are doing what we all do....you imagine that it's something you're doing wrong when you get angry when someone significant in your hurts you....hence the spiritual/self-help stuff.

 

You're not angry because there's something wrong with you....you're angry because there is something wrong with your relationship. It no longer works, or so it seems.

 

And that's a good thing! After 3 years, you've probably finally had enough of being treated as something less special than you truly are. Perhaps it's time to spread your wings and test out a new relationship, one which gives you the security, love and commitment that you might just be craving.

 

I wish you luck!

[d0nnivain]

Anger is an emotion. You can't control having an emotion but you can do something about how you behave when angry.

 

 

First thing, acknowledge that you are angry. Second, recognize that you have a high probability of behaving poorly while angry so step outside yourself for an hour or a day depending on how angry you are.

 

 

Example -- you saw this guy & got angry. Knowing you were angry you should have recognized that talking to him or texting him while you were upset was a bad idea. Instead you should have done things to calm yourself -- deep breathing, counting to 100, going for a run (a walk wouldn't cut it) or vowing to wait at least 24 hours to contact him. The realization that this is a problem is a step in the right direction.

 

 

If you can't control it by yourself consider anger management classes. There are professionals out there who can teach you control techniques.

[stillafool]

The problem is you are trying to fool yourself that you are fine just having a FWB type relationship with this guy when you are actually in love with him and want to be exclusive. You are never going to be okay with seeing him with other girls because it will hurt too much and fuel your anger towards him. You need to tell him what you really want and if he doesn't want the same move on.

[meta.morphate]

Uggggh I know you guys are right. I don't know what I was expecting to hear but I can say, I appreciate that these replies are probably kinder than what I get from people in person (who are just like, WTF are you doing, what's wrong with you, I wouldn't put up with that ...)

 

 

I think I'm stuck because I like the excitement of this kind of relationship but then, I'm not okay with his being with others girls. I'm cool with it as long as it doesn't cross into my path ... like if he was with this other girl yesterday and I hadn't seen them, I would've been going about my merry way, probably assuming he was with someone else but also probably not even worrying about it. But just to have it thrown into my sight like that, is when I'm NOT good anymore. It's why I deleted my FB because I could see him liking other girls pics and whatever, and it got me mad.

 

 

The guy I said that things weren't working out with wants to be with me, he's taken me out, he seems to really like me, and I haven't gotten physical with him because I think I'm scared to, but I think I'm scared to get into a real relationship and not have the excitement that makes these toxic kinds of relationships so addicting ... I feel like I'll be bored. I'm too grown for this but it's what it is right now

[Bejangled]

I'm scared to get into a real relationship and not have the excitement that makes these toxic kinds of relationships so addicting ... I feel like I'll be bored. I'm too grown for this but it's what it is right now

 

Hi meta.morphate

 

You know, that was a really lovely, honest reply you gave there. You do really know what's happening here. You like the buzz of the relationship. I get that.

 

If you're happy to continue for now with this relationship, then maybe it's just time to re-set the ground rules. Maybe you could ask him to be a bit more discrete etc. The rules might just need a little update.

 

But I will say this, I wouldn't ignore that anger that pops up when you see him with other women. I could be just an old fool, but when women feel rage like that, it's often trying to tell you that you're not being treated in a way that makes you feel safe, certain and 'ok'. The animal inside usually doesn't roar for no reason

 

Maybe later at another time, you might give that a little thought?

 

I wish you luck!