What's the difference between PA and EA?

[bbanner]

I have read many of these posts and it seems like it's a PA or EA. Why can't it be both? What does it mean if it's an emotional and physical affair that lasts for 1,2,3, or even more years? Does it mean anything if the other man or woman does not know about the existence of the betrayed spouse? Are affairs one or the other?

[somanymistakes]

I have read many of these posts and it seems like it's a PA or EA. Why can't it be both?

 

Many ARE both, especially if they go long enough. Pure emotional relationships often develop into sex eventually when they have the chance and/or finally wear down their feeling that it's wrong to go all the way. Supposedly pure sexual relationships may develop feelings after spending a lot of time together.

 

However, since sex is often a sticking point in discussions here we often categorise it as one or the other to make it clear what we're talking about. It affects the complications if there is a risk of pregnancy/disease. If someone says it's physical here they don't necessarily mean there aren't feelings.

 

What does it mean if it's an emotional and physical affair that lasts for 1,2,3, or even more years?

 

Exactly that - it's a long-term affair. Are you asking whether it makes it more likely to become an official relationship? I think the common wisdom is that no, if they were going to leave their partners and be together they would have done it early on. But I'm not sure anyone has actual EVIDENCE on the subject.

 

Does it mean anything if the other man or woman does not know about the existence of the betrayed spouse?

 

It means the wayward spouse is a double liar, and this does happen.

[HereNorThere]

It's nearly always both despite what you may read here. The ea vs. pa thing is usually always a cop out to make the bs feel better.

 

A purely physical affair is very rare. Maybe someone with a sexual addiction meets someone online for NSA sex and continues to meet up every month or so. In the same respect, a purely emotional affair is just as rare. Once two adults have romantic feelings for each other, they rarely aren't physical. And that includes sexting, camming, etc.

 

That's not to say it isn't possible but it certainly isn't probable. Some people do end up in a friendship, let emotional attachment set in and overshare information about their marriage, start getting jealous, fantasizing, etc without ever crossing the line and being sexual. The problem is that with modern technology like smart phones, webcams, jet travel, etc. it's usually pretty easy to fulfill those physical desires. Some people can have sex without any sort of emotional attachment but that's not the way a normal person is wired. Oxytocin, vasopressin and a myriad of other brain chemicals usually take over and start an emotional bond between the people. In short, one usually leads to other even if it didn't begin that way.

Edited April 15, 2017 by HereNorThere

[Birdies]

PA just means it went physical instead of being purely emotional. Usually there is an emotional component is well. EAs usually would have gone physical eventually given time and close proximity.

[WilyWill]

I think the distinction is important for some, because the PA is viewed as crossing a line. There are husbands, at least, who can recover more easily if their wife's affair was only emotional. But learning that there was physical sex is a "deal breaker" for many men. They no longer wish to touch their wives, and can't see any path towards reconciliation.

[Doorstopper]

Texting sexting and the internet, have given rise to to Emotional only affairs, over long distances. Technology has given rise to these types of relationships, that often do not progress to PAs.

 

If the APs regularly see each other, as part of their daily lives, they almost always claim an EA, when caught. This is likely to be PA, as well and is usually the first of many lies.

Edited April 15, 2017 by Doorstopper

[dichotomy]

In some PA's only one person is really emotionally involved in any great deal. Read this alot - typical the woman is emotionally involved. It was this way when my wife (then single) was involved with a MM, he never loved her - just enjoyed a laugh and a F as he did with several of his mistresses (he had several).

 

Some PA's the emotional component can be very very compartmentalized - I have seen stories here where the two don't discuss their spouses much at all - and its the affair is just a nice plesant time together - not just FB but more FWB kind of affair.

 

Others the Emotional part (with or without sex) and be very intimate and emotional. Talking negatively about spouses, sharing every detail or aspect of their marriage or spouses. In my first marriage - my wife was very very cruel in her conversations about me. Completely hurtful and spiteful. Some stories include the WS actually having sex in the marital bed ! Ugh.

 

My current wife continued an EA with her MM, even after giving up the PA part because she was with me. The MM always was frustrated with that - because for him he wanted the sex, and just used my wife's emotional connection to him to get it. He was very frustrated and kept trying for the sex.

 

Everyone is going to have a "what hurts most" about there WS's affair - the sex the emotions or what ever.

[Mr. Lucky]

What's the difference between PA and EA?

 

About six inches, on average .

 

More seriously, to most BS it's a technical distinction simply because they're rarely in a position to know all the things that really happened. Who said what, who felt what, who promised what, who did what

 

So we hang our hats on "did they or didn't they have sex", it at least allows up to attach a label. Other than helping us sleep at night, not sure what value the knowledge has going forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

I have read many of these posts and it seems like it's a PA or EA. Why can't it be both? What does it mean if it's an emotional and physical affair that lasts for 1,2,3, or even more years? Does it mean anything if the other man or woman does not know about the existence of the betrayed spouse? Are affairs one or the other?

 

The difference is was there sex. Or there was no sex.

 

And that does not mean the Bill Clinton defense of I did

not have sex with that woman.

[Overtaxed]

PA just means it went physical instead of being purely emotional. Usually there is an emotional component is well. EAs usually would have gone physical eventually given time and close proximity.

 

I wouldn't say "usually". I'm not saying your wrong, but, from my experience talking with men, a lot of A's are one night stands while traveling for work, it's a PA only, no interest in the woman in at all. I read somewhere that something like 75% of the men who visit prostitutes are married, those would also qualify as "pure" PAs. I think a PA with no EA is more common than most would think for men, perhaps the majority?

[cocorico]

I read somewhere that something like 75% of the men who visit prostitutes are married, those would also qualify as "pure" PAs.

 

I'd classify that as a transaction rather than an A. Just as telling your IC about your day qualifies as therapy rather than friendship.

[cocorico]

I think the distinction is important for some, because the PA is viewed as crossing a line.

 

Stereotypically - and, often evidenced on these forums - a BH would consider an EA more acceptable than a PA, with the sex constituting a line crossed too far. Conversely, the stereotypical BW (again, often evidenced on these forums) often considers falling in love a line crossed too far, and would sooner forgive a PA than an EA (assuming both to be ideal types - i.e. Physical only vs emotional only).

 

Of course, in many (perhaps most) cases, both elements are present - however the WS tries to downplay it to the BS should they hope for reconciliation.

[Birdies]

I wouldn't say "usually". I'm not saying your wrong, but, from my experience talking with men, a lot of A's are one night stands while traveling for work, it's a PA only, no interest in the woman in at all. I read somewhere that something like 75% of the men who visit prostitutes are married, those would also qualify as "pure" PAs. I think a PA with no EA is more common than most would think for men, perhaps the majority?

 

Yeah I guess I wouldn't consider a man seeing a prostitute as an affair. Or a one night stand, for that matter. Cheating yes, affair no. "Affair" implies a repeated or prolonged type of cheating, and I think a repeated sexual encounter either creates or corresponds with some sort of emotional connection. Not "true love" necessarily, but some kind of connection. Not always, but more often that not.

[bbanner]

Are there any postings to learn more about what goes on in the Wayward spouses intentions with different kinds of affairs? For example, me, I was in a relationship with her for over 3 years. I didnt know anything about the other guy. She was with him for 8 years. she met me at the 5th year mark with him. She got married last year and continued to see me, still me not knowing anything, long story and being trusting/naive. I know she has major character flaws, could she be a sociopath? It was a real relationship to me.

[somanymistakes]

I know she has major character flaws, could she be a sociopath?

 

This is generally not a useful question to ask. What difference would it make to you if she was or wasn't? You're not qualified to treat the condition. Would it make her behavior more okay if she were? Would it make it less okay? Shouldn't you already know whether what she did was okay or not?

[bbanner]

Maybe to know I was in a relationship with one and I should really second guess myself with the next woman I am with, so I dont make the same mistakes. Maybe look out for other behaviors that suggest she is.

[somanymistakes]

You should be looking out for the same mistakes with a future person regardless of what label you slap on the past behaviors.

 

How does the label make a difference?