Meli Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Can you be just friends with someone if you're in love with them? And if you think so, then how the heck do you do it (without feeling like crap)? *sigh* Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 In a word, NO. It doesn't work, especially for you. Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Ditto Ditto Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 The only way you can do it is if you can live with the fact that nothing else will happen. Can you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meli Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 *sigh* I'll give you a little more infomation: She told me at one time (back in March of last year) that she was starting to develop feelings, as well, but she told herself that she had to stop (for various reasons - distance being one of 'em), because it just wouldn't work out. But, of course, when we had talked about all this (back in March), I, myself was head over heels in love with her (I'd been feeling that way for about 3 months). So, it was too late for me. Anyhow, we had decided that we'd only be close friends, and nothing more (me.. not really wanting that, of course, but what can you do?). And she was able to deal with that, but I had an extremely difficult time with it. And she would always say to me 'I don't have a problem with the fact that you have feelings for me still' (when we're friends), and I'm like 'Okay, well, how in the hell am I supposed to deal with this then (my feelings)..I mean, when you start talking about being interested in other people?' So, anyways, I talked to a few friends who had been a similiar situation and asked them how they would've dealt with everything. They said to me that you somehow have to put those feelings aside..if you want her in your life that badly. You just have to accept the way things are.. GAH! : ( And yeah, so, I do want her in my life.. I care for her deeply, I would miss her terribly..we had a fabulous friendship before all this (one the closet both had ever had), and I don't want to lose that. But, those damn feelings that I have... It's so hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Feelings will always ruin a friendship if it isn't mutual. You still think you want to be with her and you will accept friends but is that really fair to you? You know you don't want to just be her friend. You have to walk away or be a friend for life. I would choose to walk away because I couldn't take caring for someone that only wanted to be my buddy. Only you can make that decision. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by Meli And yeah, so, I do want her in my life.. I care for her deeply, I would miss her terribly..we had a fabulous friendship before all this (one the closet both had ever had), and I don't want to lose that. But, those damn feelings that I have... It's so hard. You either take it to the next level or walk away. Don't settle for something that kills you. Link to post Share on other sites
blue16 Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by Meli So, anyways, I talked to a few friends who had been a similiar situation and asked them how they would've dealt with everything. They said to me that you somehow have to put those feelings aside... How do you just put aside feelings you have for someone? To me that sounds A LOT easier said then done... Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 I know that I am probably one of the most confused people on this site, but I DO know that friends does NOT work when you are in love with them. In my case, we tried friends until he got his sh** together and it killed me. He would still tell me he loved me, but never treated me like it. He would always want to know who I was going out with and I wondered the same. It just hurt too much to only be a small part in someones life that I wanted to be in more. If you can accept that you can never be loved back, then I think it is ok. It may take you finding a new love or it may not be possible at this time....give it a few months? I know it sucks, but it is all or nothing when you love someone. If they cannot loive you back, you deserve someone that can. You know the love you feel for this person??How great would it be to get it in return from someone who felt that way about you!!!!! It is always up to you, but I find that "friends" with someone you love is just a term for "I want more and I will accept this torture and try to get them to see how much I love them and they will want me back" Link to post Share on other sites
shorty babe Posted July 31, 2005 Share Posted July 31, 2005 I have the same Problem and i don't think that it is possible unless you find a way not to love them Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2005 Share Posted July 31, 2005 If you want the friendship then you have to MAKE yourself not think of that person in a loving/sexual way. It won't be easy, but it can be done. Detach detach detach! Don't care as deeply and don't focus on that person like you once did. Don't put them first in your life, heart and soul. Only then I think a 'friendship' could work out, but the leg work has to be done, as well as setting up boundries and don't ever cross that intimacy line again. Don't think it, say it outloud or show it in actions. Either way it takes time and hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted July 31, 2005 Share Posted July 31, 2005 If we truly cared for one another, the fact that a few months will pass should not make him forget me right? I mean, I cannot call him until I feel ok with the fact that he may be dating. I assume that once I meet someone else, I will not even want to call, but he was a big part of my life and I willalways love him. Even if I talk to him once a yr, I still would want the best for him and to keep in touch... What is the test to see if I am ready to call? I know it will be months from now, but I guess not posting on here all the time about him and not thinking so much about him and what he is doing would be a good sign right? Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 What is the test to see if I am ready to call? I know it will be months from now, but I guess not posting on here all the time about him and not thinking so much about him and what he is doing would be a good sign right? Beth, I'm sorry to say this, but from everything you've said about your guy, he doesn't sound like he deserves your friendship. For you, specifically, I'd say never is a good time to call him. He's strung you along and treated you poorly for quite awhile. For Meli, Beth, and others, if the person is truly worthy of being your friend, they'll understand and do their best to work with you. They won't lead you on or toy with your emotions. If he/she is not trying to lead you on, then dismissing them from your life simply because you have feelings for them and they don't is completely unfair. If they've done nothing wrong other than not loving you back, you can't fault them for it. Probably (not always) if that person is good enough for you to fall in love with them, then they're someone you might want to keep in your life. For me, I know the thought of having that person gone completely from my life is probably harder than the thought that they'll never love me the way I would like. Of course, if they play you by leading you to believe that if you just wait it out or won't give you a straight answer, then you're fully justified in removing them from your life, because they're feeding your pain instead of trying to help with it. You have to talk to your friend about it and let them know that you want to remain friends and keep them in your life, but ask them to understand that it does hurt and it's going to be hard for you. If they truly are a friend, they'll understand. Focus on the rest of your life and try to push that person off of the top of your priority list. Don't call as often, don't hang out as much, etc. If you have to, take a break from the friendship until you've moved on. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 Well, I agree, he does not deseve my friendship....I guess it is my way of hanging on and try to make the blow a little easier. I hope that once I do NC a long time, I will not want to. I have to force myself to see that this is not how a healthy relationship works. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 The more I think about what you wrote, the more I feel you are so right. This man could not even give me enough as a bf, why do I want him in my life as a friend? I would still be let down and he would make even less time for me!I guess it just sucks when someone you have loved for so long is not in your life. I loved the idea of him I am pretty sure. Thanks for posting.....helped me today. Link to post Share on other sites
greeneyedgirl23 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 Beth~ I am in love with my best guy friend and I know that it is hard to keep a person close that you care so deeply for. Right now we are in one of our phases where he hasn't called in a few weeks. He does this when we get too close. It seems to be the pattern with him. But to answer your question earlier about "Do they forget about you?".... No, no matter what they do or say, there is no way a person who at one time loved you, could ever forget about you. I have gone 6 months w/o speaking to this friend of mine because he got wierd and pushed me away, and surprisingly he is the one who asked me if I missed him, or ever thought about him, once he came crawling back like he usually does. I was certain that he didnt think about me, but he was calling me during all hours of the night from blocked numbers and not saying anything. I assume he did this because he missed me and to this day will not tell me why he leaves in the first place. Guys are funny about emotions, and I have just began to take it for what I can from him. I hope that if you do decide to stay friends with this guy, that it doesn't stop you from going out and meeting the man of your deams who will sweep you off of your feet!! Good Luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 greeneyedgirl23 Thanks I think my first thought is that he has forgotten me, but you are right.......that is just me paniking. I have still not forgotten about my first bf from 5 yrs ago! I guess if it is meant to be, then it will......it is really hard for me to move on and even think of other guys with him in my head! It has been 3 wks since we talked and I am not going to call, but of course I wonder what he is up to. UGH thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
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