Married men -- How do you KNOW your wife loves you.

[Jolene]

I can totally relate to this Jas. I am glad to hear it from someone else. I dread the downs, but they aren't so often that I need to renegotiate the relationship anymore.

 

I can imagine that people's lives can get complicated and seem overwhelming at times.

 

I have also found myself in your predicament, and have been divorced twice.

 

But now I finally get one thing.....forgiveness is the greatest gift you can ever give someone you truly truly love. It's the hardest thing to do, but if you can reach down and tap into that love resource you have in your relationship, you may find that some issues are purely a matter of ego...not that your ego is unimportant, but it might help to put things into perspective a little.

 

My mother always said that these days marriages don't last because there is no GOD involved in the lives of couples today. I beg to differ. Our marriages are challenged to the degree that we are still battling men's and women's issues while external pressures such as work and children/school impact the marriage. Working families have to be dynamic and yet balanced. It's tough.

 

The reason couples today stay together is because both parties really really want to stay together in the relationship and their love always eventually outweighs their pride. Eventually there is remorse, reconciliation and forgiveness. But that, again, is a team effort. You're doing the right thing by going to counselling because it provides a forum for the kind of discussion that will lead to forgiveness.

 

Hopefully, it won't be long and you'll be on the "up" side again. Think positive.

[thegoodhubbie]

Originally posted by Jolene

 

The reason couples today stay together is because both parties really really want to stay together in the relationship and their love always eventually outweighs their pride. Eventually there is remorse, reconciliation and forgiveness. But that, again, is a team effort.

 

I could not agree with you more. And thank you for your comments to my post.

[Jas]

Thanks for the encouraging words Jolene

 

You have a lot of good points that are so easy to forget about in the heat of a dispute. It did really make me think when you mentioned egos and pride. Sometimes it's just NOT that important! It's funny because when we're not fighting he'll say things like "we're in this together... we both want each other to be happy" but boy does it feel like we're on different teams during the battle! Hopefully I'll be able to keep those ideas in mind and maybe bringing them up will knock some sense into us and help to diffuse the fight a bit.

 

And to thegoodhubbie's original question - I agree that taking care of him is probably the biggest way I show my love. It's just a maternal/womanly thing I guess. I've just been feeling it since I've been w/ my finace. I never used to cook or grocery shop. Now I'm a coupon clipping, cooking, and cleaning maniac! How quickly I've become domesticated. It's nuts.

 

I also think that setting goals and seeing your significant other doing what they can to meet them is a display of love. Whether it is a financial goal or just an agreement to make more of an effort in a certain area of the relationship - it's the selfless acts that make me realize how much he loves me....so I do the same for him.

[Horse]

Originally posted by thegoodhubbie

I didn't realize a moments insecurity would start such an interesting thread!

 

For the most part, I think my wife and I have no problems telling each other what is bothering us. Part of the reason I was feeling insecure when I originally posted this thread was because when it is my wife's time of the month, she tends to get a little distant and grumpy. Normally we are both very communicative, close, and affectionate.

 

 

At least now I'm not the only one who feels this way from time to time.

 

Actually this thread sort of made it worse.

 

I started going through the things mentioned like:

 

Does she chase me around the house to goose my butt or be physically affectionate?.... Well, I definitely don't need a flyswatter.

Does she delight in doing little things like buy me cases of frapachinos?.... Not really

Does she cook and clean without complaining?... I cook, we both clean...

Does she turn a blind eye to my flaws?... Well she hasn't dumped me for them, but it seems like she likes to bring them up.

 

etc..

 

So, your thread made me feel worse... Thanks man!

 

But in the end I think it is the same thing, insecrurity brought about by monthly moodiness / Distance.

 

I will probably remember the things that she does in a few days when life is back to normal.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

 

I expect if your wife treats you like just another piece of functional furniture, and does absolutely nothing intimate or affectionate to show you that she loves you, then there is a problem there.

 

This has to work both ways. Sometimes I felt like the furniture got better treatment from him.

[Outcast]

It's because us men hate to feel disappointment. When you say something negative to us, you hurt our pride. Yea, I know it's stupid but it's reality. We want to feel like we are your 'knight in shining armor' that we are on top of every other guy out there.

 

So when we feel disappointed, we feel a little bit inferior, like some other guy could do it better. Therefore we become defensive on WHY you shouldn't feel the way you do. You then just think we aren't listening and get upset which makes us even feel more inferior therefore getting angry.

 

My only suggestion would be if you are going to tell a guy about something that is bothering you, start off by saying something positive first then lead into what is troubling you. If he still comes back defensive, just saying 'I understand' before you continue your argument will help out alot. Just my opinion..

 

That's exactly what I've read from relationship 'gurus'. Good advice indeed.

 

She turns a blind eye to your oggling behaviour in public. She tolerates your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend still having contact with you.

 

She embraces your interests as her own and shares your joy and your pain. She loves your family (assuming your family is normal). She cooks for you and cleans and makes sure you are well taken care of because this makes her proud. She is a woman, afterall, and taking care of her man means so many things

 

This might be a bit too 'Stand By Your Man'. He's got to step up to the plate, too. You can't be the one forever doing the accepting, giving, etc. despite what the 'Family First' types might wish to have you believe.

 

Does she chase me around the house to goose my butt or be physically affectionate?.... Well, I definitely don't need a flyswatter.

Does she delight in doing little things like buy me cases of frapachinos?.... Not really

Does she cook and clean without complaining?... I cook, we both clean...

Does she turn a blind eye to my flaws?... Well she hasn't dumped me for them, but it seems like she likes to bring them up.

 

Check out the Five Love Languages, Horse. People have different ways of showing love. Most of the women here spoke about 'deeds' but not every woman shows love this way.

[clandestinidad]

The Five Love Languages is an excellent book!! I read it years ago, and it really stuck.....highly recommended!!!!

[Horse]

I keep thinking about buying that book, but by the time I get around to it, she's nice again and I forget about it.

 

I think I will get it anyways, if only to satisfy my curiosity.

 

Deep down I know she loves me. I'm just being insecure like TGH.

[RecordProducer]

The Five Love Languages is an excellent book!! I read it years ago, and it really stuck.....highly recommended!!!!

 

Since Horse said: "I keep thinking about buying that book, but by the time I get around to it, she's nice again and I forget about it."

I get the impression that this book tells about language that both genders are supposed to understand and should serve in resolving conflicts. But we don't perceive the same expressions in the same way. For example if the book says:

 

1. Be a gentleman

2. Use your hands a lot

3. Be a real man

4. Give her what she deserves

5. Exclaim her name

 

A man understands it as:

 

1. Open the door for her when she pisses you off

2. Beat her often

3. Show her who wears the pants

4. Give her nothing

5. Call her "Bitch"

 

[Horse]

Since Horse said: "I keep thinking about buying that book, but by the time I get around to it, she's nice again and I forget about it."

I get the impression that this book tells about language that both genders are supposed to understand and should serve in resolving conflicts. But we don't perceive the same expressions in the same way. For example if the book says:

 

1. Be a gentleman

2. Use your hands a lot

3. Be a real man

4. Give her what she deserves

5. Exclaim her name

 

A man understands it as:

 

1. Open the door for her when she pisses you off

2. Beat her often

3. Show her who wears the pants

4. Give her nothing

5. Call her "Bitch"

 

 

You've been talking to Alpha and Woggle too much.

 

Just kidding guys... I know you're more respectful than that.

[RecordProducer]

You've been talking to Alpha and Woggle too much.

Just kidding guys... I know you're more respectful than that.

 

I wouldn't put Alpha and Woggle in the same basket. Alpha LOVES women, Woggle is scared of them.

[RainyDayWoman]

well, a good place to start would be that she married you...

 

 

...sadly, that doesn't have as much esteem as it used to.

[Horse]

well, a good place to start would be that she married you...

 

 

...sadly, that doesn't have as much esteem as it used to.

 

 

Yes.. that is normally a good sign, but it can be hard to keep that in perspective when there are no other signs.

 

But, it's all good now for me too. It's not that we don't know how to express affection or appreciate eachothers expression. It is just that she doesn't deal with stress all that well, especially when she is PMSing.

 

After a week or more where your partner is too distracted or stressed to even think about letting you know that she loves you and you are the focus for all of her angry hormones and frustration... You begin to wonder if she hates you, let alone loves you.

 

It's like living with two different people. I even have another name for her when she is not herself.

[clandestinidad]

Actually, that book talks about 5 different ways people feel loved by their partner. It addresses Affection/Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Words of Affirmation.

 

The main point of the book is that we must learn what our partners 'love language' is, and strive to show them in their way. If we continue to buy our partner gifts when they actually feel love through physical touch, then they wont be feeling loved by us...and we'll keep wondering why the things we're doing arent "good enough".

 

And we all know that when our partners dont feel loved, they eventually resent us and might turn to others. Its a HUGE reason relationships fail. The giver is baffled that whatever they do is never enough, while the recipient constantly feels empty and unloved.

 

I think everyone should read this book and learn how to show their partner they love him/her in the ways that THEY need.

[RecordProducer]

Actually, that book talks about 5 different ways people feel loved by their partner. It addresses Affection/Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Words of Affirmation.

 

That's exactly what I wrote in my post just by guessing!

For example if the book says:

 

1. Be a gentleman

2. Use your hands a lot

3. Be a real man

4. Give her what she deserves

5. Exclaim her name

 

A man understands it as:

 

1. Open the door for her when she pisses you off

2. Beat her often

3. Show her who wears the pants

4. Give her nothing

5. Call her "Bitch"

[Horse]

Actually, that book talks about 5 different ways people feel loved by their partner. It addresses Affection/Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Words of Affirmation.

 

The main point of the book is that we must learn what our partners 'love language' is, and strive to show them in their way. If we continue to buy our partner gifts when they actually feel love through physical touch, then they wont be feeling loved by us...and we'll keep wondering why the things we're doing arent "good enough".

 

And we all know that when our partners dont feel loved, they eventually resent us and might turn to others. Its a HUGE reason relationships fail. The giver is baffled that whatever they do is never enough, while the recipient constantly feels empty and unloved.

 

I think everyone should read this book and learn how to show their partner they love him/her in the ways that THEY need.

 

 

The thing is that we know how to make eachother happy, and she knows how to let me know that she loves me. Actually I'm real easy. It doesn't take much to make me happy and it takes a whole lot to upset me. Right now I feel loved. But when she is stressed, she just doesn't do it... unless she thinks I'm mad at her.

 

She knows too. She appologizes and thanks me for being patient when she returns to normal.