Ariana9 Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 Currently 2months into a separation with someone I'd been with for 10years. We have a 3year old daughter and are trying to find some sort of amicable arrangement for her care. It's important to note I guess that I am the one who ended the relationship and I feel his resentment over that has affected our ability to come to a proper agreement for our daughter now. I am of the opinion that 50/50 shared custody is the best way to handle this. Regardless of our relationship with each other, our daughter should still maintain strong ties to both myself and her father. While I don't live by my organized schedule, I do believe that having some sort of platform or structure in place so that we can both prepare our daughter for where she is going, plan our own lives, and ensure that our time with her is fair. When we first broke up.. he completely refused to let me state a time to bring her stating that I was being controlling.. and yet he would also refuse to make time for her so as to not be made to commit to anything. Instead.. his motto was just to "see what happens" which ended up with a daughter crying to see her dad and her dad refusing to arrange a time with me. At first I put this down to him being emotional etc.. however he later admitted he did it purposefully because he knew I liked structure and he wanted to frustrate me. This made me incredibly angry and its now become a common theme I feel that his behavior is a reaction to how he thinks it will affect me rather than how it is actually affecting our daughter. Since then, making arrangements has become almost impossible. He wont drop her to me, he wont confirm times/ days , he wants our daughter to decide where she stays (which is usually with me) and yet the blame always comes back on me that he doesn't get enough time with her. I have even given him full reign to write up the schedule to what makes him happy just so he gets off my back but regardless, I'm always somehow to blame. By the way, he refuses. Whenever we talk, he takes it back to our issues during our relationship whereas I just need us to cooperate enough for our daughter otherwise I want nothing else to do with him. Offering him the "control" as he puts it, does nothing to appease the situation. I don't want to get drawn into anymore of these arguments but I feel like I should just write up a schedule on my own and tell him this is how it is unless he wants to discuss otherwise. I'd love to hear how other people have coped and perhaps some strategies to use. right now we no longer talk unless its to do with her. He wants us to talk our issues over .. I just want to move on with my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 I'd love to hear how other people have coped and perhaps some strategies to use. right now we no longer talk unless its to do with her. He wants us to talk our issues over .. I just want to move on with my life. Have you seen a lawyer? Retaining an attorney serves two purposes - it protects your interests regarding legal custody and serves him notice that you won't negotiate new terms every week. Quit trying to manage his end of it, that's on him. You can't force a father/daughter relationship if he's not interested and/or has a different agenda. Your concern should be for you and your child going forward... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 I have no idea about the separation circumstances, I guess there was bad blod between you. You left him, probably for someone else, I don't know if there was cheating involved. Anyway, he probably feel very hurt, and apparently he can't forget everything and just to move on like you. Right now it seems that he gets some results, he succeed to frustrate you and to hurt you back. The problem is that he hurts his daughter and himself by sabotaging his relationship with her. I advise you to focus only on this. keep reminding him over and over again, that he is maybe trying to hurt you, but he's hurting his daughter, and his relationship with her. Eventually he will get it. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 Have the courts handle it. Truth is you can't make him be a father he has to want to. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 Agreed. You need a lawyer. And sadly, you can not force a man to be a father. It would be wonderful if he steps up to provide for his daughter, both financially and related to custody and care. Beyond that, you should focus on being the best mother and provider that you can be for your daughter. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariana9 Posted April 17, 2017 Author Share Posted April 17, 2017 If only the separation was as simple as falling for someone else.. but no.. separation was based solely on the disintegration of our relationship to a point where we were constantly on edge and we kept repeating the same mistakes over. In any case, when your 3 year old becomes the mediator in a tense relationship then somethings got to give. His resentment stems from the fact that he thinks I've given up on something salvageable whereas I don't see this an option for true happiness for either of us. 10 years together and it seems like we don't even know each other. I must say that he is a very doting and loving father.. but yes the frustration of him refusing to cooperate is getting to me. He has even placed a blanket rule about not having her on a Friday just because it would then prevent me from going out..? He has some bizarre justifications. I would very much like to keep this out of the system and not get lawyers involved. Maybe there are other mediation processes I can look at first.. but yes. My first and only priority during this is my daughter Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 He has even placed a blanket rule about not having her on a Friday just because it would then prevent me from going out..? He has some bizarre justifications. Ariana, take away his power by living your life. Obviously, your daughter needs you but an occasional night out is a healthy thing. Use a family member, find a sitter - take him out of the equation. I would very much like to keep this out of the system and not get lawyers involved. And I'd like to stay out of the hospital and avoid my mechanic but there are times when only those services will solve the problems involved. If your priority is your daughter, you'll need to get this settled. And for your own peace of mind, sooner rather than later... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariana9 Posted April 17, 2017 Author Share Posted April 17, 2017 Thanks Mr Lucky. I am definitely trying to live my life independent of his. Whether he take her on a Friday or not doesn't actually matter at all to me.. I still see my friends/ family regardless. its just an example of how bizarre his claims can be where on the one hand he claims I don't allow him to see her enough and on the other he refuses to take her so as to interfere with my life (apparently). On the last few occasions he has had her, he has called and demanded I pick her up early because she was crying and upset. On the last occasion I told him to just handle it himself, that this was her time with him and they both need to find a way to work through this new situation. He has since lain all the blame on me for her not wanting to be with him (that I am either deliberately or unintentionally giving off some vibe to her) and also that since we are separated that I have no control over him to tell him what to do (he's referring to the fact I said for him to find a way to work through her crying without me just coming to get her... he doesn't see the irony of me having to drop what I'm doing to pick her up when he calls though) I'm very tired of this entire situation. When I'm away from him, I seem to have clarity and yet when he talks - I end up in a haze of confusion and self doubt. A lawyer may very well be an eventual certainty. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 I'm very tired of this entire situation. When I'm away from him, I seem to have clarity and yet when he talks - I end up in a haze of confusion and self doubt. A lawyer may very well be an eventual certainty. If you want to do what's best for your daughter - which also includes you having the best possible mental and emotional state of well-being so that you feel fully in control of your own life and are fully capable of handling all your personal responsibilities and commitments (yourself, your daughter, work, family, social, etc., etc.) - then don't delay getting a lawyer any longer. It is also a tool to help put in place a set/stable, structured schedule for visitation, holidays, birthdays, etc. It takes it out of both your and your ex's hands so nobody gets to be the 'bad guy' anymore. As well, give your ex information on the negative effects on children, of how he is behaving towards his daughter right now; using her as a pawn in his adult war against you, disappointing her, etc. If needed, visit a child psychologist or similar professional on your own, and ask for a report or list of resources or studies to help him see the damage he is causing. I know it's not easy. Hugs and best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariana9 Posted April 19, 2017 Author Share Posted April 19, 2017 Yes I've already looked up a parenting through separation course and plan to attend that. I would love to suggest this to him also but I'm afraid we're not at a place where he is willing to accept anything I say right now. As you have all suggested.. I can only work on me and hope that he will eventually sort his end out. It would be a relief to have an external party provide guidance on this. I'll start looking at lawyers soon. Thank you all for your input. I really do appreciate the time and thought you've taken in your responses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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