16 years shot to hell

[BenchCoach]

I agree that you are still getting "gas lighted" by her. Did you find out anything about this man... is he married, as well. If so, his wife/GF has a right to know. Wouldn't be surprised if they're still in contact. Especially, in light of her "coaching" him.

 

I don't think you should be so quick to forgive, either. She needs to start being honest with you, first and foremost.

Edited April 17, 2017 by BenchCoach

[Southwardbound]

What's up guys..need a little advice here.

 

Been with my spouse for over 16 years we have two children. Found out she was cheating about a month ago. She received a text message from the dude at 11:35 pm and the **** hit the fan. Since I've confronted here she denied. I kept pushing and asking questions finally she admitted to a physical relation ship, but to this day still claims no sex. (Yeah ****in right)

 

I told her she needed to go so kicked her ass out of the house, but I find myself still missing her and even thinking about giving her another chance. I know deep down inside she's a lying bitchi and someone who hurt me so much, but I can't figure out why would I want her back?

 

I try and keep my distance, but with two kids it's impossible to do not contact. One simple text message from her will get me going again and I can't seem to shut it off. Can anyone suggest any supportive tips on how and the **** I'm supposed to get past this and honestly move the **** on?

 

I hate living my life like this and I know it's not going to turn off overnight, but I would like to hear some experiences on how you guys got past your one true love that completely smashed you and buried you in the ground.

 

Thanks

 

It's easy to figure out why you still wish her back - you still have feelings for her. And you should, 16 years to be married to someone means you've lived through a lot of things together. My guess is over time you've both probably gotten lazy in your marriage, focusing mainly on the kids, & paying the bills. That focus is all ok, but if you leave out focusing on the two of you as partners, friends, & lovers, what happens is over time, you become roommates. The passion often falls out of the relationship.

 

I won't deny she is at fault here, for looking outside of the marriage to fill whatever void she finds is lacking within it. That was indeed her mistake. And it sounds like she has gaslighted you in the process, perhaps feels some level of contempt. I say the last remark, only because in your other posts you've highlighted that she hasn't given up the OM, that you are aware of.

 

But, you do have two children together, how old are they? Are you ready to be a single parent? I can tell you from my own experiences that can be a lonely job, and a very hard one to do if you are trying to work full time besides.

 

You may wish to consider going to a marriage counseling sessions. Not just by yourself, but also with her. Maybe, since you've stated you still 'want her' the two of you can work it out? I understand your hurt, and you have a right to be hurt and angry over the situation. But, I caution you not to throw away 16 years of your lives together, out of anger. It may be that if the two of you sit down together with an independent person to help you both, the situation can be resolved?

 

Otherwise, consider what the alternatives are: 1) you start divorce proceedings - if she is not working, and you have 2 children, it's possible you could be liable for alimony (at least 5 years worth, maybe more as it's a long marriage), 2) If you have debt, then if you cannot pay it off outright, it must be paid off either through the proceeds of any cash/ savings you have on hand, or from your house sale profits (should you own a house) first, any remaining money is usually split in half, unless one party shows financial need. 3) If one party has the higher income and the debt cannot be paid - they may end up being liable for it, by assignment 4) are your pensions together or separate? this also could be an issue 5) what about your children's future - child support if you do not obtain custody usually goes on until they are 18 along with insurance. Also what about their college?

 

These are just a few of the things you need to think about and should talk to a lawyer about. But, again I would urge you to see if it's possible to patch up your relationship first, and find out why she strayed in the first place, for your own peace of mind.

 

I wish you luck, and hope it all works out for the best for you and your children.

[WilyWill]

You may wish to consider going to a marriage counseling sessions. Not just by yourself, but also with her.

 

No. No marriage counseling while she is actively engaged in an affair. No marriage counseling until she comes to the realization that she's wronged you. No marriage counseling until she admits the full extent of her relationship with the other man.

 

All of your efforts to "nice" her back will cause her to disrespect you even more and push her further away. If anything, she needs to see that you'll be just fine without her. And you will be, if it comes to that.

[Southwardbound]

WilyWill: Marriage counseling isn't about being 'nice to her,' 1) it's about finding out what went wrong 2) It's about figuring out if the relationship might be fixable, or if it's totally irreparable 3) It's about finding workable solutions for family relationships, as a whole that include the children (what happens to them, & how to deal with the situation in an adult manner) & each marriage partner involved.

[Zenstudent]

WilyWill: Marriage counseling isn't about being 'nice to her,' 1) it's about finding out what went wrong 2) It's about figuring out if the relationship might be fixable, or if it's totally irreparable 3) It's about finding workable solutions for family relationships, as a whole that include the children (what happens to them, & how to deal with the situation in an adult manner) & each marriage partner involved.

 

Didn't you read the opening post? His wife betrayed him, that's what went wrong. And no, it's not "fixable" as in "the dishwasher is broken honey, please get it fixed."

 

MC is a total waste of money during the first months, at least. And definitely if NC hasn't been established yet.

[oldshirt]

WilyWill: Marriage counseling isn't about being 'nice to her,' 1) it's about finding out what went wrong 2) It's about figuring out if the relationship might be fixable, or if it's totally irreparable 3) It's about finding workable solutions for family relationships, as a whole that include the children (what happens to them, & how to deal with the situation in an adult manner) & each marriage partner involved.

 

All efforts to restore a healthy, happy and mutually benificial marriage are in complete vain if the WS is still in contact with the AP.

 

It's like talking to an insurance adjuster while the house is still on fire.

 

In response to your points above.

 

#1. What "went wrong" is she is involved with another man.

 

#2. It completely infix able if she is still in contact with OM, is not truly remorseful and has not committed herself 100% to repairing the damage and never have contact with OM ever again.

 

#3. I'll give a little leeway on this one. If the decision has been made to divorce and both parties commit to making it as cooperative and collaborative as possible, family counseling can help people to make it as easy on the kids as possible if people can play fair.

 

But it's a waste of time, energy and money to try to reconcile while the WS is still in contact with the AP.

 

The WS's head and heart have to be in the game for MC to have any possible benefit and their head and heart aren't in the game if their loins are with the AP.

[bubbaganoosh]

Any other suggestions on how to cope?

 

Yeah. Every time your ready to pick up the phone, take a couple minuets and remember what she did. She lied, cheated, she denied. Then she tries to protect the guy by giving him the heads up that you know and not to respond to the text messages.

 

Now after you think about that, ask yourself if that's what you want to live with. Your days will be spent trying to make a living and always wondering about her and what she's doing.

 

Yeah you can ask her to come home and have a warm body next to you but sooner or later you have to get out of bed and continue life and that means seeing her and the constant reminder of what happened.

 

The trust issue is the biggest thing and if you can't trust her then put the phone down and move on

[Mr. Lucky]

Any other suggestions on how to cope?

 

Coping and repairing are two very different things. The former involves a necessary effort to take care of yourself, your kids and your future. It's up to you.

 

Repairing (or the possibility thereof) requires a joint effort from two very disjointed people. It requires specific conduct by your spouse (MIA at this point) and a willingness on your part to at least consider the possibility.

 

Were I you, right now I'd focus on coping...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Superchicken]

You need some one to lean on ?.

Some one to talk to about the crap she's telling you ?.

Then your at the right place.

Spill your guts, get a load of new and improved perspectives from many that have gone through your pain.

Don't waste any more time on a lost battle.

Simple test for you. Can you overlook all the intimacy they had, and I would venture others too.

If so, then try and repair your marriage.

If not, good. Why should YOU repair your marriage. She stuffed it, so always remember that.

I can at least have some sympathy for cheaters that openly admit to cheating "BEFORE" they get caught.

But after, and even worse, keep denying it. Well..

 

 

Don't look back. Look forward, and start to build a new life.

 

 

Ted.

[wmacbride]

I can't give you advice based on my own experience, as it is completely different than yours, so it will be pretty general.

 

What I can say is that one of the worst parts of infidelity ( beyond having your trust and heart broken) for me was feeling like your life is totally spinning out of control.

 

In your shoes, my first step would be to catch my breath and find my centre. You have been through a rotten experience, and that's really hard on a person. Make sure you eat, exercise and try not to drink too much.

 

A big part of that will be speaking to a lawyer. Find out what your legal rights and obligations are, and get some idea of what can happen next. Begin the discussion about your children and what custody arrangements will look like. Don't be afraid to fight for your rights. I don't mean that you should go in looking for a fight, but that you should be prepared to stand up for yourself and not be walked over. Your wife may well try the "my cheating is your fault" routine. Don't allow her to do that. Her actions are 100 percent on her.

 

About your feeling heartbroken. All I can say is that it does get better, and I wish there was a way to fast forward through this step, but there's not. It will take whatever time it takes. Try and surround yourself with friends and family, and get in touch with old friends.

 

One more suggestion that can really help. Whether you and your wife divorce or stay together, it's good for you to stat developing your own network of friends and support. It can also be great to start doing activities on your own. If there is something you have always wanted to try but didn't because your wife didn't want to, sign up to do it now. It will give you a chance to try something new, build your confidence back up a bit, meet new people, and show you that you can have fun on your own.

 

Seeing a counselor can be really helpful,and I would suggest that your whole family see one. Whether you divorce or stay together, it can help.

 

About your kids...I am so sorry their mother created this situation. I can completely understand how seeing her during pick ups and drop offs is really hard. Is there any way that a neutral party can bring them so you don't have to see her? That's best for you,your kids and your wife as well, as it will be much less stressful. Your time with your kids is your time with your kids, not time for her to try and turn it into an argument or pity party for her.

 

Some betrayed spouses have revenge affairs. I don't agree with that personally, and I have heard many stories where it just creates more problems.

 

Lastly, I know it feels like you have been punched in the gut and your heart is broken, but it does get better.

[wmacbride]

You need some one to lean on ?.

Some one to talk to about the crap she's telling you ?.

Then your at the right place.

Spill your guts, get a load of new and improved perspectives from many that have gone through your pain.

Don't waste any more time on a lost battle.

Simple test for you. Can you overlook all the intimacy they had, and I would venture others too.

If so, then try and repair your marriage.

If not, good. Why should YOU repair your marriage. She stuffed it, so always remember that.

I can at least have some sympathy for cheaters that openly admit to cheating "BEFORE" they get caught.

But after, and even worse, keep denying it. Well..

 

 

Don't look back. Look forward, and start to build a new life.

 

 

Ted.

 

This is good advice, and I would add to it that when making your decision to stay or go, think of your children.

 

Do you think you and your wife can work through the crap created by her actions enough that you can rebuild a happy relationship together? If you feel that you can provide your kids a happy home and model a loving husband/wife relationship, then reconciliation may be possible and best for your kids. Please keep in mind that faking this won't be good enough.You have to actually feel it.

 

If you feel like you won't be able to get past the A, and that you can no longer trust your ws ( which is completely understandable) then staying with her won't model a healthy relationship and it may do your children more harm than good.

[stillafool]

OP, do not believe for one minute that your wife did not have sex with this guy. She did and that's why she is so hung up on him. They are more than likely still seeing each other. I hope for your sake she is now looking for a job.

[Southwardbound]

I did read his posts.

 

Most things are 'fixable' given time and the will to want to fix them. It just takes effort & good communication on the part of both parties.

[Cephalopod]

Boy... he came and went didn't he?