You cheat on someone and then feel bad about it. Do you tell your partner?

[ZayKayWill]

THIS IS NOT A SITUATION THAT I AM CURRENTLY IN I AM SIMPLY JUST ASKING HYPOTHETICALLY IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME FINE THAT'S ON YOU.

 

With that said, I've seen two sides to this argument.

 

1st Side: You feel guilty, so out of respect for your significant other, you tell them the truth. At this point they can either forgive you and choose to stay with you for being honest, or they can move on.

 

2nd Side: You feel guilty, so you vow to never cheat on your partner again. You COULD tell them, but in your mind you rationalize that since you felt guilty about it and vowed to absolutely never do it again, it would be better to just pretend that it didn't happen and spare your partner's feelings.

 

Which side do you choose? I'm gonna guess that most people would choose the first option. Even if you've never cheated in your life and never would no matter how tempted you were, just answer the question. Assume this is something that happened to you. At this point you have to make a really hard choice. I went with the first choice, but after someone brought about the 2nd point, it made me think and wonder.

[Els]

Obviously you tell them, because then they will have the information they need to decide what they want to do. "Sparing someone's feelings" by not telling them you cheated on them is absolute bollocks and just an excuse for selfish behaviour. If you really cared about their feelings, you'd at least want them to hear it from you instead of discover it themselves down the road.

[Mr. Lucky]

2nd Side: You feel guilty, so you vow to never cheat on your partner again. You COULD tell them, but in your mind you rationalize that since you felt guilty about it and vowed to absolutely never do it again, it would be better to just pretend that it didn't happen and spare your partner's feelings.

 

If your partner cheated on you, would you want him/her to decide unilaterally that you shouldn't know under the guise of sparing your feelings?

 

That approach just adds omission to commission...

 

Mr. Lucky

[somanymistakes]

If your partner cheated on you, would you want him/her to decide unilaterally that you shouldn't know under the guise of sparing your feelings?

 

That approach just adds omission to commission...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

An awful lot of people (not the cheaters, the people the cheaters are asking for advice) on other forums insist that it is incredibly selfish to tell your partner about a cheating incident if it is long in the past and no longer relevant, that you're just dumping your guilt on them to make yourself feel better while opening them up to a world of pain.

 

On the one hand I can kind of see the reasoning, if it really was long ago and not relevant (like, 'I got drunk and slept with someone at my bachelor party ten years ago and it never happened again' kinds of things, where the person isn't a current threat to the relationship and any STD risk is long over) but otoh any indiscretion was fresh at some point and there was a long time where you really should have said something.

 

It's not good for a relationship to keep secrets like this, especially of the "it would only hurt her/him" kind, because that's showing a lack of respect for your partner, treating them like a child who can't handle the truth.

 

Telling or not telling, neither is really a GOOD choice, both will cause pain, but that's because you made a BAD choice to cheat in the first place.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not a cheater. While in a relationship I want to date somebody else, I break up with my partner 1st. If I screwed that up & I did when younger, I break up with them the next day because clearly there was a problem in the relationship (even if the problem was me).

[central]

You find out what they would want, if you haven't previously discussed it so that you know.

 

We discussed this, as part of wide-ranging discussions on our views of relationships and ethics. We decided - for OUR relationship - that if either of us ever does cheat, gets away with it, STOPS, and does NOT repeat it, we would NOT want to be told. Disclosure is this case mainly shifts the pain and burden to the BS, and we don't want it. Let the WS bear the burden, and do the work needed to keep the relationship going, if they can. Hopefully, they will have learned something, and also learned to value the relationship even more, and make the effort to improve it.

 

Cheating is still unacceptable to us, and if we find out, the relationship would be over. However, we have far, far more leeway than most people, because we have an open relationship, and it's okay to have sex with other people - we just have to discuss it first and agree to any boundaries in each case. Since we have no incentive to cheat in our agreement, it's very unlikely that we would want to risk what we have.

[bbanner]

Enigma has a great answer, if you break up with the person promptly, then dont say anything. If you decide to stay in the relationship, then tell. I would want to know and then could make a well informed decision. Otherwise you're living a lie and that's unfair to the other person.

[Simple Logic]

I do not think there is a right or wrong answer to this. As general advice, do not confess.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do not think there is a right or wrong answer to this. As general advice, do not confess.

 

So, no, don't say anything. However, cheating is probably a sign that the relationship should end. It would probably be for the best if the cheater ended the relationship, citing personal reasons or something similar. Let the betrayed person move on to someone more loyal to them while causing as little pain as possible.

 

That leaves behind an ex questioning everything they did or thought was true, often impacting their ability to move on. It also takes away their choice whether to forgive and remain in the relationship.

 

If you're going to do the crime, do the time. Your partner deserves the same right to make fully informed decisions most posters seem so eager to reserve for themselves...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Simple Logic]

That leaves behind an ex questioning everything they did or thought was true, often impacting their ability to move on. It also takes away their choice whether to forgive and remain in the relationship.

 

If you're going to do the crime, do the time. Your partner deserves the same right to make fully informed decisions most posters seem so eager to reserve for themselves...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I got a better idea. Don't confess and just file for a divorce, because 90% of the time that is where you are headed if you confess. This so called foregiveness after an affair is fiction.

[Mr. Lucky]

Don't confess and just file for a divorce, because 90% of the time that is where you are headed if you confess.

 

Just a continuation of the entitled mindset that enables an affair in the first place. What's true 90% of the time is those people claiming to be protecting their partner's feelings are simply afraid of being outed as the flawed person the affair reveals them to be.

 

I guess you can lie, cheat and cover up everything in life. I don't see it as a path to success or happiness but you may feel differently...

 

Mr. Lucky

[babybrowns]

That leaves behind an ex questioning everything they did or thought was true, often impacting their ability to move on. It also takes away their choice whether to forgive and remain in the relationship.

 

I agree. It'll make them be over-critical of themselves as they go over the 'what did I do' and they may even change themselves for their next partner; unnecessary and very unfair to them.

[somanymistakes]

I agree. It'll make them be over-critical of themselves as they go over the 'what did I do' and they may even change themselves for their next partner; unnecessary and very unfair to them.

 

If you admit you cheated, they may change themselves and be panicky clingy to the next partner, worrying that it'll happen again. If you wanted to prevent consequences the time to do that was before cheating.

[todreaminblue]

if you are truly sorry you confess .....you then give them the choice to decide whther they can forgive you and still be together or they cant handle what yoru choice was......they didnt have the choice of telling you the consequences and you didnt bother finding out so its on you to make it right.........its the right thing to do to confess...and cop the consequences....deb .....

[preraph]

My view on it is confess unless you are positive you will never be tempted to do this again and are truly on a quest to make things right. Not fair to make your guilt her pain if you are really going to FIX THE PROBLEM, and that may mean getting therapy or stopping drinking, stopping hanging out with friends, or whatever it takes.

 

If you doubt you can keep from repeating your behavior, break up and confess.

[Jj66]

Peronally, I would not want to be told.

 

When I was much younger and married I slept with someone on a business trip. When I got home I promptly confessed and asked for a divorce because I had proven myself unreliable. If i couldn't trust myself, how could she ever trust me. We had an amicable divorce.

 

More than 20 years later she told me she wished she had not given me the divorce. She said she should have stayed and fought for the marriage because I was a great guy who always treated her well.

 

I eventually ended up dating and marrying the woman I had slept with. She was physically abusive. We were together 17 years when she asked me for a divorce. She accused me of heating on her. I wasn't. Not even close. I was extremely loyal and never put myself in any position where that was a risk because I was determined never to cheat again.

 

In retrospect would it have been better not to say anything to the first wife? We had a pretty good marriage and since I proved myself capable of being loyal over the ensuing years it's highly likely we would still be happily married.

[Mr. Lucky]

My view on it is confess unless you are positive you will never be tempted to do this again

 

How would a WS know this? In other words, wasn't this their unsuccessfully held intention the first time? And we all know how that turned out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jj66]

How would a WS know this? In other words, wasn't this their unsuccessfully held intention the first time? And we all know how that turned out...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That's exactly right. I knew I would never cheat. But I did. Therefor I felt I could not trust myself. If I can't trust myself then how can I ask another person to trust me?

 

Turns out I was trustworthy, with some added vigilance. Buy how could I possibly know that going in?

[Almond_Joy]

Once someone's cheated there is always -ALWAYS- a chance they'll get found out. And the cheater who doesn't tell is gambling that their partner will never find out.

 

If the partner never finds out and the cheater never cheats again, it's luck.

 

But if the partner finds out later down the line, it will be so much worse for them than if they'd have heard it from cheater.

 

Me I'd rather not take the chance of hurting my partner more in the future to see how long I could get off the hook. In the long run, not telling the faithful partner is not helping them or doing them a kindness. The only long term effect of not telling them is ensuring that they will hurt exponentially more if/when they do find out.