Husband disappointed in me

[immatureWife]

As a note, If i told a woman that I would never go down on her, that her vagina was filled with disgusting things and diseases, I would probably not get my phone call returned the next day.

 

But he does it. He asks me first if I have showered. If I don't shower first he'll never get down on me. I don't take offense because my vagina is full of disgusting things and I tell him that if he kisses me afterward, disgusting things from my ******* are going to get inside my mouth. I also tell him that if I give him a BJ after he has entered me, I'll just be sucking my own disgusting stuff off his thing. He understands my obsession and that it is nothing personal.

[Heathen]

But he does it. He asks me first if I have showered. If I don't shower first he'll never get down on me. I don't take offense because my vagina is full of disgusting things and I tell him that if he kisses me afterward, disgusting things from my ******* are going to get inside my mouth. I also tell him that if I give him a BJ after he has entered me, I'll just be sucking my own disgusting stuff off his thing. He understands my obsession and that it is nothing personal.

 

Who taught you this? Thinking any part of your body is disgusting, is a big problem. You do realize that the mouth harbors more "germs" than the vagina, so whats the difference between kissing and oral? Not much. You wrote that you enjoyed it, until your brain got in your way. I can not give advice as to how to overcome your OCD, but a professional may be able to assist you in that area. AS A SUGGESTION, maybe you should change your mindset to "With my Husband, this is ok"

 

As far as the shower issue, most women would prefer a man to be clean before doing the dirty, so I dont see that as a huge problem.

 

Both of you have added so many complications to something that should be simple. loving and enjoyed. However, it doesn't seem to be insurmountable, if the finger pointing stopped....from both sides

Edited May 5, 2017 by Heathen

[Heathen]

Most men have experienced performance anxiety at one time or another. I once dated a woman, who i thought was waayyyy above my pay grade. She also had a bunch of "quirks" and my brain thought i had to be a super lover in order to measure up. Needless to say, I had a "problem" the first 3 times. (fear). I almost stopped dating her because i did not want to go thru the stress and embarrassment. The break thru came one day when we were out just having fun. She had a few and let her guard down. I was able to see her, not as a beautiful "princess", but as a woman with wants and needs and i was that "need". The brain relaxed, the body said "oh yea" and the problem was solved.

 

I am willing to bet that the reason that he wont see a doctor, is that he recognizes that the issue isn't physical. The space requirement is his desperate attempt to relax his mind so that his body matches his desires. Fear kills the libido. However instead of showing strength, he took the easy way out with the separation. That was a little cowardly, i must admit.

 

My point is, you guys need a breakthru. Some type of "a ha" moment where fear ends and understanding starts.

 

My only suggestion is that you try a different, softer approach, with less finger pointing and a lot of listening. Someone has to be the hero in this relationship. Since you are writing on this forum, then my advice is for you to take the reigns. step back and give it a final shot. No threats, No demands, Just tackle 1 problem at a time. And quite honestly, if he wishes to live in fear, then maybe it would be best to wish him well.

[todreaminblue]

i talk like a child sometimes.....and unfortunately for me its not something i can control...it happens...i dont talk like a child during sex......my ex used to like it..we would prank each other on the phone...he would try to do a child like voice and i would know it was him ..lol .it was a laugh i tell ya.....we were always pretty playful...young at heart......makes me appreciate my ex even more when i read posts about how annoying i am to some or would be..with my ex ..he accepted all of me..even the disasscoiated parts.............anyways...

 

there are guys who do enjoy it and people who actually loathe it..and you know if you enjoy doing voices...then you enjoy it....

.and its pretty easy to feel when people hate it....and thats their right..

 

what it seems to me is that he needs to be in control he wants you to be mature adn a certain way now you are married..... but he calls the shots says whats right or wrong..

 

tells you to wait for his decision(treats you like a child instead of talking it out....classic) whther he wants the marriage to work...all his way huh......and that aint right....he is supposed to be kind and caring and seems to have dropped the ball a bit on the kind and caring thing...you want him to be attracted and you want the marriage to work.....and you are willing to accomodate his desires ......i feel you should list soem compromises to make thsi marriage work ...counselling for one....compromise in the bedroom another.....be the mature woman he wants by stating what you are comfortable with what you want what you desire .....be open and honest with him....give it to him blunt like he has with you.....

 

 

.if a guy told me to wait and see for three days whether he decided whther he cared enough to stay in a marriage and didnt feel he was attracted to me anymore...when he next called me....i would tell him its ok honey child you dont have to worry anymore i made a decision for the both of us seeing how it came down to base attraction....if that is what it takes for you to think you want out so soon....it might as well end now...........it will never last......why waste another day......ill send the papers in the mail......you keep everything im going to be a nun in tibet.....;00 bu tthat sme...marriage or a nunnery.....and in three days i can move a whole family interstate and be settled by myself im not waiting that long for a guy to decide ill make the choice fast quick...over.....i dont prolong things.....

 

 

go the counselling route he says he loves you and attracted to you ..he had to think about it though......let him be a mature adult and come to the conclusion in three days to see it is necessary for you guys to survive long term......good luck......i feel for you....dont be someone you are not.....compromise does not mean be someone else......it means to sacrifice for the greater good.......make sure the guy who is on the recieving end of your compromise.....deserves it...and gives just as much back........deb

Edited May 5, 2017 by todreaminblue

[immatureWife]

My sister spoke over viber with hubby and after their discussion he sent me a text asking if I would want to go to dinner with him on Sunday. I texted back that I will get back to him. Should I go? I feel so mad because just that morning he yelled at me when I called him saying that he had fever and he wanted to sleep a while longer. Even while I am writing this I feel so angry and resentful.

 

By the way, my sister tells me that he admits that he is very stubborn and he can't bring himself to apologize. And that he needs space which I don't give him. However, apparently he really loves me and admires me. I feel angry while I am writing this as well.

 

Why text? And why always calling all the shots? If I go out there is a high chance I'll be all grumpy, I won't be able to help it. But sis and friends insist that I should go, because he is making an effort, and if I refuse he'll shut himself down again. And they thought it was very romantic of him. Call me whatever you want, but I didn't find it romantic at all, if anything, I felt more angry.

 

Perhaps write him a polite email saying that I really appreciate his effort but I can't help feeling upset so I need more time?

Edited May 6, 2017 by immatureWife

[todreaminblue]

My sister spoke over viber with hubby and after their discussion he sent me a text asking if I would want to go to dinner with him on Sunday. I texted back that I will get back to him. Should I go? I feel so mad because just that morning he yelled at me when I called him saying that he had fever and he wanted to sleep a while longer. Even while I am writing this I feel so angry and resentful.

 

By the way, my sister tells me that he admits that he is very stubborn and he can't bring himself to apologize. And that he needs space which I don't give him. However, apparently he really loves me and admires me. I feel angry while I am writing this as well.

 

Why text? And why always calling all the shots? If I go out there is a high chance I'll be all grumpy, I won't be able to help it. But sis and friends insist that I should go, because he is making an effort, and if I refuse he'll shut himself down again. And they thought it was very romantic of him. Call me whatever you want, but I didn't find it romantic at all, if anything, I felt more angry.

 

Perhaps write him a polite email saying that I really appreciate his effort but I can't help feeling upset so I need more time?

 

 

i do think you guys need to see each other face to face in a neutral setting maybe even with a mediator.....deb

[JuneL]

Your hubby doesn't sound less immature than you, it seems.

[georgia girl]

I don't know if you should go or not, but it does sound like it's do or die time for your relationship. In my opinion only, love and admiration is t enough for a marriage. You also have to set terms of endearment. No one loves unconditionally and we should not want/ask for that. How we love - the conditions we put on it - ensure that we establish relationships that nurture us and our partners.

 

Here's what I suggest, if it is at all helpful. First, get everyone else out of your relationship - sisters, mothers, fathers, etc. Now, add ina good marriage counselor - the best that you can find - and you each share with that person your perspectives as well as what your boundaries are. Then, prepare to compromise. You may need to give in on being employed if that is one of your husband's boundaries but maybe compromise to part-time? He may need to give in on speaking his criticisms, but find a thoughtful way to disagree. You both should perhaps also speak with a sex therapist about the issues in bed.

 

Here's the deal. If you both love and admire each other and want to work this out, you are both going to need to work your butts off and be willing to compromise. You are going to have to face fears, learn to let go of anger and see the others' perspectives. This cannot be unilateral. There is no way one of you alone will save this marriage. It's going to be some of the hardest, most intense and life-changing work you both will ever do without a guarantee of success or an end date. The payoff is that it could give you the life you have dreamed of. Only you guys together can make that choice.

 

So, do you go to dinner? That's up to you. It is an opportunity to discuss the work ahead of you.

 

Good luck, GG

[HadMeOverABarrel]

There's always a give and take in a marriage. It sounds like you've done the majority of the taking. If I were him I would feel used and bamboozled.

 

Like others have said marriage is a partnership. I can see how he thinks you are immature. I can also see how that you are working on it. But there's two different parts of that work you gotta keep separate. The first part is actually Being mature. The second part is convincing him you are. Neither one is easy. The reason I bring up the difference is because if the relationship doesn't last you don't need to convince him any longer but you won't want to backtrack either. Ya know?

 

Congrats on getting the insomnia treated! I have a family member with it and it wrecked his life. It's no easy thing to get squared away so definitely be proud that you did.

 

 

You're probably going to need to give more to get the marriage back on track. As a dude what I want most in a relationship is attention. Especially sexual attention. I can never get enough. It sounds like you want that from your husband as much as he wants it from you but you both want different ways of getting it. That's not always a bad thing if you guys can keep a balance between the two. In fact variety makes it funner. Right now though it sounds like those scales are tilted way in your favor.

 

I share quite a bit in my interest in sexual practices that your husband seems to prefer. If you want a couple of ideas for trying to tilt the scales back in his favor, here are a few....

 

Keep in mind that you're going to want to text him or leave a voice mail to get his anticipation up for when he comes home from work. 'Hey I have a surprise for you when you get home. A very sexy one.' Would be enough.

 

From there you could go with:

-A couple black lights, neon underwear, music, his favorite beer on the side table, and then one or more lapdances. Don't tell me you don't know how to do one either. ... they're surprisingly similar to when you would make out and dry hump as teenagers, just with a strip tease in at the start and you gotta be on top.

 

-Call for help from a back room when he gets in and when he comes to find you, your pretending to have your hands tied up (standing up ass towards the door) wearing some tight leather crotchless outfit. 'Thank god your here! I've been waiting for you to come f*ck me! Please I need it so bad!'

 

-he comes home to find you cooking in nothing but heels and an apron. You serve him some food and then slip under the table to blow him while he eats.

 

-go to the movies (pretend you want to see something neither of you really give a crap about) then sit in the back give him an old fashioned hand job. Maybe more..

 

-Meet him at his car when he gets off work wear something sexy with a skirt but not blatantly obvious. Say you wanted to ride home with him because you wanted to show him something. Let him do the talking for the first few minutes. ... Then masturbate on the ride home. If you finish before he gets home move on to giving him road head.

 

Those are just ideas. Maybe you have better ones already. Goal is to make him feel like king Kong during sex. That's why he likes the mirror. He can look in it and think 'damn this hot sexy chick is letting me plow her right now! I gotta see it to believe it! '

 

Really who doesn't want to feel like they're awesome when the get laid? Well I guess there's the whole degradation focused folks but hey lol. I said I might think a little like your hubby so I hope it helps. You could tell him you have the car masturbatory fantasy and see if it's okay with him to carry out. If so you know the others will work and it opens the door to get into both his and your real fantasies. If he doesn't like the idea well it wasn't really yours to begin with so you've lost nothing.

 

LMAO! It's getting hot in here...

Edited May 12, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

[NTV]

LMAO! It's getting hot in here...

 

To be fair, this is a public forum. I have many many more ideas not suitable for such an audience ;-) lol

[immatureWife]

To be fair, this is a public forum. I have many many more ideas not suitable for such an audience ;-) lol

 

Trust me, I have tried out some of the stuff but it only makes him nervous, he feels a pressure to perform. So I have stopped. He brought me back to his place, he was on top of the world for perhaps 2/3 days (no sex though) and now he is back to his depressed self again. And here I am making pathetic posts at one in the morning. Happy that at least I am still married.

[mikeylo]

Trust me, I have tried out some of the stuff but it only makes him nervous, he feels a pressure to perform. So I have stopped. He brought me back to his place, he was on top of the world for perhaps 2/3 days (no sex though) and now he is back to his depressed self again. And here I am making pathetic posts at one in the morning. Happy that at least I am still married.

 

Not a good indication of things to come.

 

In actuality, your marriage is over. It's just a matter of time.

[NTV]

Ah, I think I see part of the problem. Would it help if I told you his happiness isn't your responsibility?

[immatureWife]

[/b]Not a good indication of things to come. In actuality, your marriage is over. It's just a matter of time.

 

Ah, I think I see part of the problem. Would it help if I told you his happiness isn't your responsibility?

 

Not sure about marriage being over. In our society we try to avoid divorce. About being happily married, yes, I definitely doubt that. We are two very different people and our approach to life is very different. While he is practical, materialistic, disciplined, patient and stable, I am the absolute opposite. I am talkative, flaky, impulsive, get bored very easily, love adventure, hate routines... you get my point.

 

Yes NTV, his happiness isn't my responsibility, so I have decided to just let him be. No sex - can live with that. He can just do his own thing while I do my own.

 

And no, I am not allowed to leave him, and I guess neither is he. So no more suggestions about how things are going to get worse and painful for both of us and we'll eventually divorce, etc etc. No more crazy thoughts about leaving him or whatever.

[NTV]

Wishing you strength!