I feel like i want out, but how could i do that?

[disbelief]

Hey guys. Gonna try to make this long story short. Need some advice.

 

About 5 years ago i got together with a girl and soon got her pregnant. We had a beautiful boy who is now 4 years old.

 

About 2.5 years into are relationship she felt like she wanted out and left for a total of three months.

 

While she was gone she slept with some dude and i was totally devistated. The mother of my child slept with some other guy.....

 

I figured out that she had been talking to him before she left.... i dont know how much, it could have just been small talk but she was still talking to him before. I sort of considered it as " lining up" something to go to. Not terribly uncommon i guess but none the less it hurt alot.

 

I took her back knowing what had happened becuase i really wanted my family back. I was so lost in that time being a single dad. Every day was painful without my son/and or his mother.

 

Ofcourse i contributed to her leaving. We fought and i didnt agree with her all the time etc..... but i hear that common in relationships? Lol

 

Anyway shes been back for 1.5 years now and i can see shes trying and wants to be here.

 

My problem is now i seem to be wanting something else. Im not sexually attracted to her in a passionate way. I feel like there is no spark. I have been in love once in my past and i remember how intense the desire to wrap my arms around the girl i loved was.

 

With my current partner/mother of my child that desire is just not there. Its not like i cant wait to kiss her when she comes home from work etc. Its so boring, but how could i leave with our baby boy? I mean i could but her family would hate me and what would my son say etc?

 

To be honest its sort of my fault, i never was attracted to her in the way i was with my other one true love.

 

Dont get me wrong, i do love her and care about her a lot but that fire is just not there.

 

Should i take the leap and try to find my true love or live a life of bland comfort?

 

 

Sometimes i have even thought that maybe id be a better dad as a single dad because when im around his mother everything drains me. Even my energy for my son is low and i think it has to do with being with someone that doesnt fulfill me.

 

On the other hand seeing her and my son with someone else would also really hurt, i know no one else will ever be his dad but still....

 

Rant over. Any advice apprechiated. Cheers.

Edited April 16, 2017 by disbelief

[d0nnivain]

You can't stay in a dysfunctional relationship for the sake of a child. Get out. Get joint custody. Spend quality time with your kid & find something fulfilling. If you & the child's mother find healthy relationships then your child will have 4 adults who love him.

[Gemma1]

If you missed her that much when she left, I think you must love her (and have been "in love" with her also, as some make that distinction). I think you are experiencing what every relationship goes through and it's causing you to re-write your relationship history.

 

You can make this work, it just takes effort. All relationships get to this point some time or another. Even with your "one true love" you would have experienced this. Why did you and your "one true love" not work out? And how old were you then? How old are you now?

 

I think that you could make this work, but I expect that you won't. I expect that you'll leave her and find someone else, and be happier for a time. But then the same thing will happen eventually in this new relationship, and you will again leave for greener pastures. It'll be a cycle in your life that will be hard to break and you'll end up middle aged and in the same place you are in now, or alone. Maybe I'm wrong, but either way I think you should really examine your motivations for wanting to leave, maybe seek individual counseling to try and get to the bottom of your feelings.

 

You don't mention anything about real problems in your relationship - fights, resentment, mismatched sexual interests, disagreements about money or hobbies or lifestyle. Your whole post is about feelings. This is why I think you are misguided.

[Mr. Lucky]

I took her back knowing what had happened becuase i really wanted my family back. I was so lost in that time being a single dad. Every day was painful without my son/and or his mother.

 

Ofcourse i contributed to her leaving. We fought and i didnt agree with her all the time etc..... but i hear that common in relationships? Lol

 

Anyway shes been back for 1.5 years now and i can see shes trying and wants to be here.

 

My problem is now i seem to be wanting something else. Im not sexually attracted to her in a passionate way. I feel like there is no spark. I have been in love once in my past and i remember how intense the desire to wrap my arms around the girl i loved was.

 

Ah, the old "be careful what you wish for" effect.

 

Had you given specific voice to your desires when she was gone, you'd have said "I want my family back and my partner to again put effort into the relationship". So now she's back, by your account she's holding up her end, family unit intact - but it's not enough. And you're wishing for something else.

 

Why is that ? Were it me, I'd want to understand. Surely you know comparing to some idealized and romanticized standard of past memories isn't a realistic approach. Everyday life has flaws, warts and challenges, the trick becomes finding happiness in the spaces in between.

 

The end of "be careful what you wish for" is "it might come true", another man in your partner's and son's life. I'd think long and hard about the steps you're considering, the price is substantial...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Superchicken]

First, get a DNA test to make sure its your kid.

If its not, easy out.

If it is, then you should still leave.

Live somewhere else, and look for the one that puts butterflies in your stomach.

You can still look after your kid and maintain a healthy life single, or with someone else.

 

 

Ted

[NTV]

DNA test your kid before he's old enough to know what that means.

[somanymistakes]

First, get a DNA test to make sure its your kid.

If its not, easy out.

If it is, then you should still leave.

 

"Whoops, this kid who loves me whole-heartedly and has called me Daddy for his entire life came up as ambiguous on a test! I'm out the door and will never talk to him again."

 

seriously?

 

If you should leave either way then WHY would you want to INTENTIONALLY add breaking the heart of a small child to that list? Do you want the kid to grow up despising himself?

[Superchicken]

"Whoops, this kid who loves me whole-heartedly and has called me Daddy for his entire life came up as ambiguous on a test! I'm out the door and will never talk to him again."

 

seriously?

 

 

Yeah, seriously.

Because HIS not here discussing his wife's famous Chocolate chip cookies recipe.

 

 

Doesn't mean he leaves his kids though.. Just her.

 

 

So YEAH !.

You would be surprised how many kids DONT belong to them in marriages.

 

 

Ted.

[somanymistakes]

Yeah, seriously.

Because HIS not here discussing his wife's famous Chocolate chip cookies recipe.

 

 

Doesn't mean he leaves his kids though.. Just her.

 

 

So YEAH !.

You would be surprised how many kids DONT belong to them in marriages.

 

 

Ted.

 

No, I wouldn't be surprised. I know people cheat, I know people guess wrong about who fathered a kid. Sometimes there are even weirder reasons that your parents may not be your biological parents.

 

What I will never understand, and what deeply upsets me every time someone mentions this, is why you think it matters in a case like this.

 

Seriously! He already KNOWS she wasn't totally faithful to him, she openly left him for a while and slept with someone else! What the hell is the kid's DNA supposed to prove?

 

I cannot understand why you would even ASK unless you were looking for some excuse to throw the kid away and get out of child support.

 

Do you know how many children live with the fear that one day Daddy will walk out the door and never come back, because he doesn't love them enough to stay? (Yes, I know that there are a few mothers who abandon their children as well, but it's less common and kids really don't expect it in my experience. 'Daddy thinks I'm a burden and wants to get rid of me' on the other hand? Damn common. It doesn't help that media is always depicting deadbeat dads.)

 

Worse if a kid's a bit older and has read some bs evopsych article claiming that males are programmed to support their own DNA over others and will murder children that they think aren't theirs. Unless you're the spitting image of your father, you never know for sure who your sire is...

 

Four years old is way too young for a kid to have that particular nightmare, obviously, but more than old enough to understand "daddy left because I'm not his real child, i'm worthless"

[Superchicken]

What the hell is the kid's DNA supposed to prove?

 

Do you have kids ?.

I do, and I can tell you now, if I knew they weren't mine, it would change my life.

Every time I would look at my kids, I would know they belong to someone else, and they were created out of a time, my lovely wife decided to spend time in a bed, with someone else.

Again, it doesn't mean I will totally neglect them, but IT WILL have a bearing on my life, and will always canter my love for them.

Its like love for your kids, and another family members kids. You may love the nephews/nieces, but the love is different for your kids

 

 

Ted

[NTV]

No, I wouldn't be surprised. I know people cheat, I know people guess wrong about who fathered a kid. Sometimes there are even weirder reasons that your parents may not be your biological parents.

 

What I will never understand, and what deeply upsets me every time someone mentions this, is why you think it matters in a case like this.

 

Seriously! He already KNOWS she wasn't totally faithful to him, she openly left him for a while and slept with someone else! What the hell is the kid's DNA supposed to prove?

 

I cannot understand why you would even ASK unless you were looking for some excuse to throw the kid away and get out of child support.

 

Do you know how many children live with the fear that one day Daddy will walk out the door and never come back, because he doesn't love them enough to stay? (Yes, I know that there are a few mothers who abandon their children as well, but it's less common and kids really don't expect it in my experience. 'Daddy thinks I'm a burden and wants to get rid of me' on the other hand? Damn common. It doesn't help that media is always depicting deadbeat dads.)

 

Worse if a kid's a bit older and has read some bs evopsych article claiming that males are programmed to support their own DNA over others and will murder children that they think aren't theirs. Unless you're the spitting image of your father, you never know for sure who your sire is...

 

Four years old is way too young for a kid to have that particular nightmare, obviously, but more than old enough to understand "daddy left because I'm not his real child, i'm worthless"

 

That's a far leap there. If not his real kids then he's making room for the real father to step into that kids life. I feel like we've had this conversation before. ....