need guidance coping with divorce

April 16, 2017

Well here's my story.

I'm 46 years old and live in the uk. My wife left me 2 1/2 years ago, and moved out of the family home.

Got the usual story as so many have 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you', 'no there's nobody else'. Roll on 6 months after separation and yes she is seeing someone from the gym, more than likely seeing him before we split. People had seen them out together having coffee, and bike rides.

She's still seeing him, but she's not introduced him to kids after over 2 years.

When she first left, I was strong and could handle it....thought I'd be upset for a week then be ok......which I was. I kept in contact, and remained friends, thinking she just needed space and would be back within a few months. Boy how wrong was I.

This journey has been a real rollercoaster ride. I miss her and my family life so much, and don't think anything can replace it. I so what to feel life again, but cannot find joy in anything anymore. About a year ago I thought I was moving on OK, and that she would soon be out of my head. But since Xmas I have found it really, really tough. I constantly think about her, and keep going over the I should have done this, said that, backed off etc.

Tried dating, but I'm just not interested.

The weekends are worst, when I'm just not interested in doing anything.

I have my son 50% of the time, and see my step daughters occasionally. I don't like to say this, but I struggle when I have them, as it just reminds me of the good times we had as a family, and I am just not the great father I was.

My friends are getting fed up with me, as I just mope about wallowing in my own self pity. I've started drinking daily and smoking to try and combat the loneliness, but it just makes me worse the next day.

I've been reading the posts on this forum for the past couple of years, and it helps knowing what others are going through.

Done all the begging and pleading thing - yes that doesn't work. When I've been able to stay strong and avoid her, she has a tendency to be nice and call to discuss the kids, but this just drags me back in.

I so want to move and forget about her, as I know she won't come back.But no matter how hard I try I can't.

Hopefully someone can offer some insight on how I can start enjoying life again.

April 16, 2017

Join a divorce support group & get the alcohol out of your house. Daily drinking alone is bad.

April 16, 2017

Well here's my story.
I'm 46 years old and live in the uk. My wife left me 2 1/2 years ago, and moved out of the family home.
Got the usual story as so many have 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you', 'no there's nobody else'. Roll on 6 months after separation and yes she is seeing someone from the gym, more than likely seeing him before we split. People had seen them out together having coffee, and bike rides.
She's still seeing him, but she's not introduced him to kids after over 2 years.
When she first left, I was strong and could handle it....thought I'd be upset for a week then be ok......which I was. I kept in contact, and remained friends, thinking she just needed space and would be back within a few months. Boy how wrong was I.
This journey has been a real rollercoaster ride. I miss her and my family life so much, and don't think anything can replace it. I so what to feel life again, but cannot find joy in anything anymore. About a year ago I thought I was moving on OK, and that she would soon be out of my head. But since Xmas I have found it really, really tough. I constantly think about her, and keep going over the I should have done this, said that, backed off etc.
Tried dating, but I'm just not interested.
The weekends are worst, when I'm just not interested in doing anything.
I have my son 50% of the time, and see my step daughters occasionally. I don't like to say this, but I struggle when I have them, as it just reminds me of the good times we had as a family, and I am just not the great father I was.
My friends are getting fed up with me, as I just mope about wallowing in my own self pity. I've started drinking daily and smoking to try and combat the loneliness, but it just makes me worse the next day.
I've been reading the posts on this forum for the past couple of years, and it helps knowing what others are going through.
Done all the begging and pleading thing - yes that doesn't work. When I've been able to stay strong and avoid her, she has a tendency to be nice and call to discuss the kids, but this just drags me back in.
I so want to move and forget about her, as I know she won't come back.But no matter how hard I try I can't.
Hopefully someone can offer some insight on how I can start enjoying life again.

Honestly, IMHO, it really does not look like she is ever coming back. The marriage is gone. In order to start to heal, you have to really believe that. You can't get past what has happened if you still hold out hope, however slight, that she will change her mind.

I agree, go to a divorce support group, quit drinking every day, join a gym and start working out. Limit your contact with her to email or text. I cannot tell you how much it helped me to just communicate by email (unless it was an emergency). Your son has one father, you, and you need to be the great father you were. How is it fair that he suffers? If you are not engaged with him, you will regret this down the road.

Pull yourself up, get help from a counselor, be proactive.

I am not intending to be mean, but I will tell you this. Someone told me when I was wallowing for a while (too long), that I would never feel better if I didn't try to climb out of the hole I allowed myself to be in. P*ssed me off, but they were so right. Started that day. If you need help, GO GET IT!

Start today, right now. If you have your son, plan something fun with him. If not, go for a walk, go join a gym - do something!

April 16, 2017

She has moved on , so should you. Not being in your children's lives now, is going to come back and bite you later in life, BIG TIME.

April 16, 2017

From the way you write, it makes me wonder if you are living with regret, like you are blaming yourself for her leaving. Regret can take you down, and it heals nothing. If you made mistakes, then you learn from them. Make a promise to yourself that you will not be that person any longer. The drinking and smoking is a coping mechanism to numb the pain in the moment, but it will not numb it long term.

I think it's time to let yourself accept the loss. You had a life before you were married. You were a person with interests and a social life. See if you can find him again. Focus not on her and your loss, but on right now and what might bring you a richer, fuller life. Ever wanted to learn to play the drums? Look into lessons. Ever wanted to learn to dance, or play a sport? Find a way to follow a new path and discover a new you and leave the old you behind.

What about your son? What interests him? For the time, make his interests your interests. Put your sights on making him happy when he comes to visit you. Let yourself be drawn into his life. It will give you a new perspective and open your eyes and your mind to new things out there. Truly listen to him when he talks to you. It's cool what our kids can teach us.

I feel your pain. I truly do. You have a lot of insight and a tender heart in order to look at yourself and feel your loss so deeply. It is time to heal though. Time to make *you* better. You matter.

April 17, 2017

The weekends are worst, when I'm just not interested in doing anything.

Start with your physical self. Buy a second-hand bike and put some miles on it. You don't say how old your son is but do active things with him also - walking, hiking, biking, sports, etc. The chemicals your body releases during exercise will improve your mood and outlook.

I understand how you feel. In the early days, the only way I could sleep was to exercise to the point of exhaustion. As my body got in better shape, my mind couldn't help but follow along. The desire for drink and cigarettes will also fade away if you stay busy and engaged.

Sit and decline or move and grow. Your choice...

Mr. Lucky

April 17, 2017

All the begging, pleading is the absolute worst thing you can do.

In your position trying to stay friends with someone who walked out on you is not in your best interest. Friends are loyal, trustworthy and honest. She left to spend time with her other man.

You need a very hard 180. Never answer a phone call from her direct. Text or email kids or business only, civil but very brief/short. Pickups and drop offs should be a 5 minute exercise with no engagement. If you can't do this you'll just linger where you are.

Read up

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

You are responsible for your own life and future. Your Wayward wife doesn't mind you being in limbo hell. May even takes a little pleasure in it. Although she may have put you where you are. You are keeping yourself there by your lack of actions.

Another good short read

"No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

April 17, 2017

It's been two years if you haven't get that divorce finished. It's not doing you any good staying in this.

April 17, 2017

Well here's my story.
I'm 46 years old and live in the uk. My wife left me 2 1/2 years ago, and moved out of the family home.
Got the usual story as so many have 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you', 'no there's nobody else'. Roll on 6 months after separation and yes she is seeing someone from the gym, more than likely seeing him before we split. People had seen them out together having coffee, and bike rides.
She's still seeing him, but she's not introduced him to kids after over 2 years.
When she first left, I was strong and could handle it....thought I'd be upset for a week then be ok......which I was. I kept in contact, and remained friends, thinking she just needed space and would be back within a few months. Boy how wrong was I.

Big mistake!!! Fix this immediately. You are enabling her cake eating behavior. Take yourself totally out of the equation. Now!!!!

This journey has been a real rollercoaster ride. I miss her and my family life so much, and don't think anything can replace it.

Because you've put zero effort into detachment. Join a gym, get a hobby, etc

I so what to feel life again, but cannot find joy in anything anymore. About a year ago I thought I was moving on OK, and that she would soon be out of my head. But since Xmas I have found it really, really tough. I constantly think about her, and keep going over the I should have done this, said that, backed off etc.

You can't fix her but you need to fix yourself. No ones perfect but did you have an affair or leave because of her issues (we all have them)?

Tried dating, but I'm just not interested.
The weekends are worst, when I'm just not interested in doing anything.
I have my son 50% of the time, and see my step daughters occasionally. I don't like to say this, but I struggle when I have them, as it just reminds me of the good times we had as a family, and I am just not the great father I was.
My friends are getting fed up with me, as I just mope about wallowing in my own self pity. I've started drinking daily and smoking to try and combat the loneliness, but it just makes me worse the next day.

Better put the booze and cigs away. Work on your fitness. Healthy is attractive. your friends are correct and if you don't wake up you'll lose them too. No one wants to be around this atmosphere you've created. So you get a crappy deal. You're just making it worse than it has to be.

I've been reading the posts on this forum for the past couple of years, and it helps knowing what others are going through.
Done all the begging and pleading thing - yes that doesn't work. When I've been able to stay strong and avoid her, she has a tendency to be nice and call to discuss the kids, but this just drags me back in.

This is your fault for engaging her. Stop it!!!!

I so want to move and forget about her, as I know she won't come back.But no matter how hard I try I can't.

You could but you to busy living the victim/pity party/woe is me. Has it gotten you anything? Nobody cares your life is up to you. There is no magic. You have to do it. No ones going to do it for you. I suspect your attitude maybe what's gotten you where you are. Better wake up!!!!!

Hopefully someone can offer some insight on how I can start enjoying life again.

Wake up and get moving

April 17, 2017

I feel your pain. I went through the exact same thing, the worst is already over for me though.

Watch some sad clips on youtube and bawl your eyes out. It worked for me. Better than bottling all that sadness inside.

Read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, and The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo. Those two books kinda helped me up.

Time to be the storm, dude. As cliche as it may sound, this too shall pass.

April 17, 2017

Thanks for the replies guys. What you all are saying is true.

I have been working out at the gym at least 5 times a week, the social aspect and release of endorphins helps greatly. It would be good if it opened Saturday nights and sunday afternoons because this is when I get at my lowest point. I just get lost with what to do with myself on weekend nights.

I do get out and socialise, and try to meet other women, I start the night enthusiastic, but then decline into self pity......wondering how may life has come to this. I thought I'd given up trawling bars along time ago, and the people I hang with are all the divorced 40 somethings.....sad people like myself.

I went out last night and had a few pints, was back home and in bed for 9.00pm. Woke up this morning feeling rough and full of anxiety again.

But after reading your posts, I'm going to pull my socks up and take your advice. I need to quit doing what doesn't work and do what works.

My son (age 10) and step daughters age 14 (twins) are coming for tea today.

Time do the 180 again, and detach myself. I know this will be hard. I did it 3 months ago, but got sucked back in after a couple of months and lost my strength.

Another major thing that has not helped is that I lost a job that I was very successful at and was paid well and thought I had a great career ahead of me. This was in construction, but the company I worked for struggled after the recession of 2008 and went bust about 5 years ago. They started up again but could only offer me part time work. I think this changed me and I lost the passion and confidence I once had when I first met my wife, and was probably part of the reason for the marriage breakdown.

I have no money and am struggling to keep a roof over my head, but on the positive side I have spent the past 3 years studying and training to be a financial adviser. Having a career change in my 40's has been a tough challenge. I was hoping to build my own business up, but with a lack of money and also lack of self confidence due to the divorce depression it's not happened. I tried to get full time paid employment a few month back, but had no joy. However things may be on the up, as I have landed a role with a company who are willing to train me up, and provide clients, although this is on a self employed, commission only basis. I have a lot learn but if I keep my head together it could pay off and give me my confidence back. Also it will get me out of the house as they have an office I can go to, where as previously I've been working from home which was sending me stir crazy spending too much time on my own.

Another thing is I know I've been suffering from depression for the past couple of years, which saps the positivity and replaces it with negativity. Exercise and eating healthy helps combat this so I must keep it up, and not let myself go on a downward spiral (which I have been doing over the past few weeks).

April 17, 2017

Yes, isolatedgothic, you have hit the nail on the ahead. I am living with regret. I made some bad career decisions a few years ago, and have never recovered from them. I do believe this is what changed me. I'm living in the past, and my mind whirls round with 'I should have this' etc. I wish there was a tap I could turn to switch this off.

April 17, 2017