Attempting to be more social

[SpiralOut]

I'm starting this thread because I need someone/something to hold me accountable. I don't really trust people. My self-esteem isn't the greatest. I don't socialize as much as I used to, and I'm trying to change that, but it's sooo easy to make up excuses and just stay holed up at home.

 

I used to have more friends, but over the years they have moved away or drifted apart, etc. My most recent group of friends (well, casual friends) were a few girls I met through a Meetup group. After the organized group dissolved, we kept in touch and continued to meet for breakfast every couple of months. Sometimes I hung out with another girl individually to do coffee or whatever. My latest efforts to keep in touch have gone unanswered. So I guess they lost interest in me. Dunno if they still talk to each other and leave me out, or if the little group is just done.

 

I get along well with my boyfriend's three best friends, but they are more his friends than mine. I don't want my social life to just revolve around him and his friends. I want to make my own connections and friendships.

 

I've tried a few other Meetup groups over the years, and none of them were as good as a fit as the one that dissolved (the one where I actually made friends). I'm in my early 30s and finished with school. I'm also self-employed and work from home. So, meeting people through school and work isn't really doable, although I've considered going to one of those groups for self-employed people/entrepreneurs. I'm also quite introverted, so it takes a lot out of me to attend these events where I don't know anyone and have to make all this small talk and so on. I know how to do it, and I'm actually pretty good at it when I put in the effort, but it's emotionally draining and I feel like I"ll never find a place where I belong. I'm losing steam.

 

Anyway, I am just feeling down and need some encouragement. I feel like giving up on ever having a close friendship again.

 

I should mention that some of my friends in the past turned out to be not so good for me. Since then, I've probably been my own worst enemy and put up a wall between me and other people. Even so far back as university, I remember women who I actually LIKED befriending me, but I pulled away. At the time, I was thinking in the back of my mind that they wouldn't really like me once they got to know me better. My self-esteem has improved over the years, but it's still not the greatest. I remember a couple years ago I attended this women's get-together and they seemed to really like me, but instead of feeling happy about that and engaging with them more, I panicked and shrank back.

 

Has anyone else dealt with this?

Edited April 16, 2017 by SpiralOut

[d0nnivain]

It's not easy to make friends as an adult.

 

 

Try volunteering somewhere doing something you care about. If you have a schedule & commitment, it may be easier to stick to.

 

 

Consider getting involved with alumni groups. I made some new friends through my sorority alumni group.

 

 

Look around at work. Anybody there who might be worth getting to know better outside of work?

[SpiralOut]

I do contract work online from home, so most of my colleagues/work contacts don't live anywhere near me.

 

There is a volunteer group I joined last fall that operates spring-fall, so I'm hoping it will start up again soon. Believe it or not, it's not easy to get a volunteer position around here (the type that interests me, anyway). Every organization I've contacted in the past year took forever to get back to me. It's frustrating.

 

Now that it's warming up outside, I should contact some places again and just be persistent. My schedule is more flexible this year, so that also makes it easier to attend training dates and so on.

 

I just RSVP'd yes to a writing group event that's happening later this month. I seem to have better luck with that sort of thing, and even if I don't make actual friends, I'll still be getting out of the house and doing something I enjoy.

Edited April 16, 2017 by SpiralOut

[d0nnivain]

Getting out of the house is a good step.

 

 

What about getting a part time job somewhere just to get out of the house? I'm not thinking anything huge, maybe fast food, bartending, retail. 10-15 hours per week just to force you to interact with people.

 

 

FWIW I saw a State Farm commercial the other day. They are making a corporate commitment to non-profits but as part of that they have something on their website where people can go & find volunteer matches. Check that out.

[SpiralOut]

Now that you mention it, I've considered working part time on a farm or at one of those berry-picking places, but my schedule never allowed for it. I could look into a seasonal job or a volunteer type thing. This is the time of year they start hiring. I'll post an update later this week once I've had a chance to make some phone calls.

[meta.morphate]

I have a similar problem, except I do work and go to school outside my home so those are good places to meet people... but I just want to say I do think it gets harder to meet friends as you get older, because you have to create the gatherings n whatnot by yourself. So don't feel like youre alone or somethings wrong with you.

[Gillys]

What about joining a Crossfit gym or exercise class. I always found those great places to meet people. Plus you don't have to talk too much since you're exercising.

 

Crossfit gets a bad rep depending on the area. But if you find a good gym with knowledgable coaches it can be fun. Plus you don't have to be a super huge athlete to start (everything is scalable) and most of them have plenty of socials. My last Crossfit gym was close to a neighborhood bar and coffee shop so after some workouts we would all meet up after for a beer and on weekends walk to the coffeehouse for brunch as a group.

 

If you're more into art type things, I have a friend who takes pottery lessons twice a week after work. She seems to enjoy it.

[SpiralOut]

Believe it or not, I've tried pottery classes before. I found that I didn't like it. I am not really into gyms either, although I do want to meet more people who do active things. If I weren't trying to save money for a trip this fall, I would probably sign up for the biking club this summer (the membership fee is quite expensive).

 

Anyway, I'm volunteering with an environmental group two weeks from now. I also found a book club that is specifically for introverts. That meeting isn't for another month, but I feel hopeful about that.

 

I still need to look into other stuff. I'm visiting my family this upcoming weekend (they live out of town), so I'm looking forward to that. Actually, I'm trying to decide if I should contact my old friends who live there. We've really drifted apart, so much so that I feel weird about messaging them. But they always make the effort to see me when I call them, so I don't know. The one girl in the group acted like a real bitch the last time we got together, so I'm hesitant to reach out.

[thegreenranger]

I used to hang out with friends from high school and thought that this was my only "choice".

 

I don't like most of what people have to "offer" in terms of companionship; what they find exciting is limited to shows they've watched and what happens in them while I love talking about politics, psychology, and stuff deeper than "who slept with who on X show".

 

If you ask me, you're probably better off just indulging in ideas online. But then again, I'm a guy perfectly happy with not having friends despite coworkers wanting to go bowling, go to an EDM concert, asking me if I'm single or not, what I like to do for fun, etc.

 

Good luck, TS.

[SpiralOut]

I ended up not contacting my older friends in my hometown. The last few times we met up, I felt like we didn't have much in common anymore. As if I had changed over the years, but they hadn't. It's too bad. But I figure, if it feels like I'm forcing myself to see people who are supposed to be my friends, something is wrong.

 

My relationship with my brother is improving. That's something that has always bothered me, the fact that we've never been close. We went out for lunch just the two of us, at my own suggestion. I think it's important to focus on my current relationships. Meeting other people is still important, but that comes second.

 

I'm back in the city now. The volunteer thing is tomorrow. I don't expect to make any friends from it. It'll just be good practice for my social skills, dealing with my social anxiety, etc. And it's a cause that I actually care about. Hopefully that will go well.

[truthtripper]

At the moment I have one good friend. We have kept in touch for 23 years. We met at work and ended up doing lots of activities together. It seems nothing can break our bond, we really get along. Sadly we live far apart so it's not like we can just drop into each other's houses whenever. This is what I miss. I know lots of people but our relationships are superficial. They don't mean much to me.

I think the determining factor in finding friendship is whether or not you click with the people you meet. If you don't click, it's unlikely you will keep in touch. It took me most of my life to learn that it's not worth hanging with people I don't get along with. If I'm honest with myself, I'm better off being alone.

[ChanSummary]

You know as grow older we get few friends because we prioritized things already and we want real people around us. You can have plenty of friends but consider real people. Just enjoy the company and remember only few can be trusted. Enjoy life and the people around you.

[SpiralOut]

I went to a writing group tonight (second time going) and had a good time. I am rarely able to say that about any group that I check out. It's actually a relief to finally just enjoy myself instead of feeling out of place. I'll go again next week.

[d0nnivain]

Good for you. Sometimes with groups its about showing up a few times so you are seen as a regular.

[SpiralOut]

Those girls I mentioned before are suggesting breakfast again. I guess they were all just busy over the winter, which is why they weren't responsive. I was starting to think that I'm destined to drift away from everyone I meet.

[aurelius99]

Don't attempt to be social just for the sake of being social. What I mean by this is there are certain people you'll never connect with or befriend even if you hung out with them regularly for years. Your goal, instead, should be to find meaningful relationships that are a byproduct of following your interests and passions in life. Focus more on the direction of your life and, when you're in the right zone, the social part will follow.

[SpiralOut]

Don't attempt to be social just for the sake of being social. What I mean by this is there are certain people you'll never connect with or befriend even if you hung out with them regularly for years. Your goal, instead, should be to find meaningful relationships that are a byproduct of following your interests and passions in life. Focus more on the direction of your life and, when you're in the right zone, the social part will follow.

 

Yeah, that's what I meant in my original post. I'm looking for meaningful relationships. The volunteer work and meetup groups I attend revolve around my interests and passions. I don't do that stuff simply for the sake of meeting people. And I have been focusing on the direction of my life, but that mostly entails being alone, as I mentioned earlier. I actually found it helpful to meet writers the other week. I went home feeling more motivated than usual to work on my personal projects.

 

ETA: come to think of it, I haven't gone to yoga classes in a long time. I just found a summer deal that is actually affordable. I've also been wanting to go on a yoga retreat, so I'll start saving up for that.

Edited May 15, 2017 by SpiralOut