Some People Deserve To Be Dumped!

[soulforge]

Seems like Dumpers tend to get a bad rep on here..

 

 

Sometimes a dumper has no choice, because the dumpee was a horrible person, or abusive or just not making the other person happy, neglectful or inconsiderate of there feelings..

 

 

We are mostly told on here to go NC and the dumper MUST be the one to initiate contact and do ALL the leg work to reconcile..

 

Maybe the Dumpee should be the one reaching out, for behaving like piece of ch@t towards there partner...

 

Why do we assume the dumper is always the bad guy here.

[Murmillo]

Completely agree.

 

I think there are a few categories of break up motives

 

1. Dumper is simply not ready for a relationship

This could be GIGS, too young, not on a level of relational maturity, past traumas etc.

 

In this case, initiative for reconnection should come from the dumper. Dumpee should go NC.

 

2. Dumpee was too needy and smothered the dumper

Needs no further explanation.

 

This scenario screams for NC of the dumpee the most. Initiative should 100% come from dumper.

3 Dumpee hurted/neglected the dumper

Especially common for male dumpees when they stop courting their lady and think she ain´t going anywhere.

 

This scenario is very different from the previous 2. In this case a little bit of bad vulnerability (like begging) does less damage than the other two ONLY if it lasts for a very short time. Even though it is too late (for now) at least you show that you DID care.

Take a period of NC-LC for a few months (30 days is no where near enough). If the dumper reaches out by that time I think the dumpee can definitely take the initiative to ask the dumper for a drink. If the dumper rejects, try it again a few months later and it the answer is then still no then the 'initiative-duty' switches to the dumper. If the dumper never does then it is eternal NC for the dumpee.

[d0nnivain]

Nobody assumes that the dumper is the bad guy. However, most posts are from the dumpee who is heart broken. We only get one side of the story.

 

 

If somebody is in a relationship that doesn't work for them -- no matter the reason -- that person (the dumper) is allowed to get out.

 

 

Relationship endings always default to the one who wants out. You can't force somebody to stay with you.

[basil67]

It's mostly not even about deserving to be dumped. A dumpee can be let go of because they just aren't good company. Or they have unpleasant friends. Or the couple has too many disagreements. Or they have different morals and ethics. Or incompatible goals in life. Etc etc.

 

Most of the time, neither the dumper or the dumpee is a bad person. It's just that the dumper believes that it's not a good fit.

[ExpatInItaly]

I understand what you're saying, but if the dumpee was so bad that the dumper was forced to end the relationship, then reconciliation should not even be a consideration.

 

And yes, I've been in that position. One of my exes was horrible. But I certainly would not have been open to contact from him after I broke up with him. I wouldn't have wanted to hear his apologies or promises to make changes. It was truly over when I ended it.

[Gene Clark]

It's also fair to note that in most cases, the blame for a failed relationship can't be entirely pinned on a single person...I believe that both parties involved must have screwed up somehow and done something that contributed to the deterioration of the relationship, whether they are aware of it or not.

Sometimes there are legitimate reasons for why someone will feel insecure and needy, maybe their needs aren't being met and there's no sense of push and pull which can cause a lot of uncertainty for either side.

 

That's why there is so much angst involved in the course of NC, in a lot of cases there's an overwhelming feeling of guilt and the will to make things right.

 

But being dumped also means the person you love and care about gave up on you...for whatever reason, they couldn't believe in you enough.

It is one of the highest levels of rejection one can experience, especially when you made changes, compromises and were willing to continue to do so to make your partner happy.

I don't think the dumper can begin to fathom how much pain they are putting their partners through.

The question that lingers is 'was it at all necessary?' and 'what made him/her think the relationship was doomed and not worth fighting for?'

 

But maybe that's the point, it must feel empowering to dump someone.

Edited April 16, 2017 by Gene Clark

[Gr8fuln2020]

It's also fair to note that in most cases, the blame for a failed relationship can't be entirely pinned on a single person...I believe that both parties involved must have screwed up somehow and done something that contributed to the deterioration of the relationship, whether they are aware of it or not.

Sometimes there are legitimate reasons for why someone will feel insecure and needy, maybe their needs aren't being met and there's no sense of push and pull which can cause a lot of uncertainty for either side.

 

That's why there is so much angst involved in the course of NC, in a lot of cases there's an overwhelming feeling of guilt and the will to make things right.

 

But being dumped also means the person you love and care about gave up on you...for whatever reason, they couldn't believe in you enough.

It is one of the highest levels of rejection one can experience, especially when you made changes, compromises and were willing to continue to do so to make your partner happy.

I don't think the dumper can begin to fathom how much pain they are putting their partners through by dumping them.

 

But maybe that's the point, it must feel empowering to dump someone.

 

I was in somewhat an agreement with you until you became very cynical.

 

There are people out there that are, to put it lightly, JERKS. Some may enjoy the act of dumping someone for the simply pleasure or the power it may indulge. I believe that, and I suspect you don't believe this either, that a failed relationship ALWAYS involves failures by BOTH parties. It simply is not the case. Sometimes it is ALL b/c of one or the other.

 

There are times when you NEED and SHOULD walk away. Yes, it does have to do with giving up, but the alternative, to 'give-in' when it is dangerous, unhappy, is far worse.

[Altair0770]

Some cases (like mine), it is 100% the dumpers fault.

 

I get where this thread is headed towards, but as been stated, a dumper hardly comes to these forums unless they regret breaking up with someone.

 

The person that initiates the break should be the one that repairs it.

 

 

As for the examples use, "I'm not ready for a relationship" is a bunch of crap. Don't enter a relationship if you aren't ready. That is 100% your fault for the relationship not working out.

 

If you know there is something that will prevent you from having a successful relationship with someone and you enter that relationship - you are 100% at fault.

 

If the dumpee was too clingy, most the time its because of failed communication by the dumper. Really depends, but failing to communicate is also 100% someones fault.

 

A relationship takes work to make it work, and if people decide not to make the effort, that's 100% their fault.

 

Now, if the dumpee was a douche, cheated, abused, or did anything that warranted a breakup, then that is understandable.

 

 

But most cases we see here on LS is that the dumpee thought everything was going fine and the dumper either got cold feet, the supposed GIGS, fell for another guy/girl while still in the relationship, or just entered a relationship without really wanting to be in one.

 

While I always appreciate two sides to the story, we don't always get that opportunity. But I will comfortably say my ex is 100% to blame for the downfall of our relationship.

[Gene Clark]

I was in somewhat an agreement with you until you became very cynical.

 

There are people out there that are, to put it lightly, JERKS. Some may enjoy the act of dumping someone for the simply pleasure or the power it may indulge. I believe that, and I suspect you don't believe this either, that a failed relationship ALWAYS involves failures by BOTH parties. It simply is not the case. Sometimes it is ALL b/c of one or the other.

 

There are times when you NEED and SHOULD walk away. Yes, it does have to do with giving up, but the alternative, to 'give-in' when it is dangerous, unhappy, is far worse.

 

Well, you see...I dare say more than half the people looking for help and support on here are not the dumpers and there's a good reason for that.

 

This coming from someone who's been recently dumped...it's hard to understand their motivation, why they couldn't they try to work around the issues given that I was more than willing to work on myself, being very aware I'm not perfect.

 

I wouldn't ever insist on staying with someone I knew 'gave into' the relationship. No one should be expected to be involved in something they don't really want.

 

But when it's never stated that they didn't want it until the day they break up with you....you didn't see it coming and that's tough.

 

It's like being sucker punched by someone you love.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I agree with the OP.

 

I was the dumper in my last relationship but I was forced to. I was dragged into a messy situation without my knowledge as a lot of information was deliberately kept from me at the beginning. I was who I presented to be from date 1. He wasn't. I do believe that he was and still is genuinely heartbroken. However, I don't believe that he was the victim at all (if anything I was). "I really love you" is not enough.

 

Recently we caught up briefly (on his insistence). He kept getting texts from his concerned friends about how seeing me is a bad idea as it will set him back. How I am toying with him and how they don't want to see him back to being unable to leave his bed. How I have hurt him badly and he should stay away from me...These texts arrived as his phone was on the table and he read them out to me. They just angered me. I am painted to be some heartless dumper when it was far from the case.

 

I have just had it and went NC with him.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Well, you see...I dare say more than half the people looking for help and support on here are not the dumpers and there's a good reason for that.

 

This coming from someone who's been recently dumped...it's hard to understand their motivation, why they couldn't they try to work around the issues given that I was more than willing to work on myself, being very aware I'm not perfect.

 

I wouldn't ever insist on staying with someone I knew 'gave into' the relationship. No one should be expected to be involved in something they don't really want.

 

But when it's never stated that they didn't want it until the day they break up with you....you didn't see it coming and that's tough.

 

It's like being sucker punched by someone you love.

 

I suspected that your comment was/is strongly related to your own raw experience.

 

I, not too recently, broke up and placed a great deal of distance between myself and my ex. She was emotionally broken by the collapse of our relationship and I felt the guilt of being responsible for her feeling that way...some responsibility. My decision to leave her? I do not regret for a moment. She 'thought' she could mend things, but the difference between her and your situation, was that I never suggested that there was anything she could do to reverse what had been done. SHE seeded into her own mind that there was a chance for recovery. I made it absolutely clear on multiple occasions by action and words that it was not to be. She persisted and, in fact, belittled my actions.

 

Here's the thing. There are times when a person 'may' genuinely feel guilt w/o having any intention to return to the fold (of the relationship). He/she may suggest that there is a way to make things right, but if they have lost RESPECT for you and what you represent, that is a chasm that is much too wide to traverse.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that, but are you certain that he (or she) clearly stated to you that there was a chance to mend what had been torn or was that you...hoping?

 

Anyway, good luck. Yes, if and when you are making changes and those changes are not enough, it is heart-breaking.

[Altair0770]

Forced dumpers aren't dumpers... they are dumpees that realized the plug needed to be pulled.

[soulforge]

Forced dumpers aren't dumpers... they are dumpees that realized the plug needed to be pulled.

 

This is true.. the relationship gets to the point, where pulling the plug is the only option..

 

Then again, there can still be some scope to salvage the relationship.. you could still consider talking, consider going for relatiionship counciling etc..

 

Give it one last try... or simply throw in the towel and get the *** out...

[preraph]

I agree sometimes people deserve to get dumped. They certainly do. But then why would any dumper want to hear from the dumpee who was such a jerk ever again? If they still wanted to hear from them, surely they wouldn't have dumped them. And if you think a jerk can change just because you dump them and reform themselves into an upstanding citizen, then you are deluded. So be careful what you wish for.

[basil67]

Forced dumpers aren't dumpers... they are dumpees that realized the plug needed to be pulled.

 

I think you made the label of "forced dumper" up.

 

Walking away from a person who treats us badly, or a relationship that is toxic, or a plug needs to be pulled still makes us the dumper. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Hell, OWN the label of being a dumper walking away from a bad thing.

[soulforge]

I agree sometimes people deserve to get dumped. They certainly do. But then why would any dumper want to hear from the dumpee who was such a jerk ever again? If they still wanted to hear from them, surely they wouldn't have dumped them. And if you think a jerk can change just because you dump them and reform themselves into an upstanding citizen, then you are deluded. So be careful what you wish for.

 

 

 

I think the dumper, feels they have no choice but to dump, because of dumpees unreasonable behaviour..

 

Yes i agree, why the hell would you then go back to the dumpee..

 

But the dumper sometimes lives in hope, that the dumpee may realise one day how chitty they have behaved..

 

The DUMPEE should then reach out to the DUMPER and reach out to reconcile, with a promise of change in there behaviour.

 

But the chances of that person really changing is highly unlikely

[soulforge]

I think you made the label of "forced dumper" up.

 

Walking away from a person who treats us badly, or a relationship that is toxic, or a plug needs to be pulled still makes us the dumper. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Hell, OWN the label of being a dumper walking away from a bad thing.

 

This..

 

Although some days i feel terribly low and miss the good things about my ex, and the fun times we had..

 

 

I also feel a sense of PRIDE for dumping her.. for letting her know, that I have enough self respect to walk away from her chitty behaviour towards me..

 

She is not that special after all...

 

Man some days I feel good about this..

[Altair0770]

I think you made the label of "forced dumper" up.

 

Walking away from a person who treats us badly, or a relationship that is toxic, or a plug needs to be pulled still makes us the dumper. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Hell, OWN the label of being a dumper walking away from a bad thing.

 

Every label is made up. I think you just have a different perspective. Some people don't want to exit a relationship because they generally care for the person they are leaving, but unfortunately something has prevented a relationship from progressing. This is extreme cases of cheating, abuse, ect. Not "I can't tell with this one flaw". You're a dumper in that case, not forced.

[Bromeo]

I agree with the OP.

 

I was the dumper in my last relationship but I was forced to. I was dragged into a messy situation without my knowledge as a lot of information was deliberately kept from me at the beginning. I was who I presented to be from date 1. He wasn't. I do believe that he was and still is genuinely heartbroken. However, I don't believe that he was the victim at all (if anything I was). "I really love you" is not enough.

 

Recently we caught up briefly (on his insistence). He kept getting texts from his concerned friends about how seeing me is a bad idea as it will set him back. How I am toying with him and how they don't want to see him back to being unable to leave his bed. How I have hurt him badly and he should stay away from me...These texts arrived as his phone was on the table and he read them out to me. They just angered me. I am painted to be some heartless dumper when it was far from the case.

 

I have just had it and went NC with him.

 

This post struck a chord with me. ES, I'd be interested in your opinion on my thread.

 

Having said that, I will submit that most dumpees are here because of the atrocious behavior from their ex during the breakup. The labels are irrelevant, the behaviors are.

 

Admittedly there is only one side of the story. I did not present the reason for my breakup, as it was 100% my fault in my opinion. That part doesn't need debating.

 

However, the facts of the post breakup behaviors were presented objectively and without my swing.

 

Both sets of friends will act in the friends best interest. Of course he is hurt and looking for comfort. You are demonized to ease his pain.

 

And I concur with a previous thread that someone's true self will emerge during a breakup.

 

I do not think my ex is a horrible person. I do however, find her treatment of me, which I allowed, to be terrible. The stringing along, confusion, disappearing, icing, the works.

 

It did spurn a period of rapid emotional growth.

 

Be safe.

[basil67]

Every label is made up. I think you just have a different perspective. Some people don't want to exit a relationship because they generally care for the person they are leaving, but unfortunately something has prevented a relationship from progressing. This is extreme cases of cheating, abuse, ect. Not "I can't tell with this one flaw". You're a dumper in that case, not forced.

 

OK, it's a label you made up which hasn't caught on.

 

If person says "I am leaving" they are the dumper. Nobody forced them to do anything. It doesn't matter whether the problem is big or small, or whether or not they still care for the ex, the person who chooses to exit the relationship is the dumper.

 

And it's Ok to be a dumper. Even if it's "just one flaw".

[Gr8fuln2020]

I agree with the OP.

 

I was the dumper in my last relationship but I was forced to. I was dragged into a messy situation without my knowledge as a lot of information was deliberately kept from me at the beginning. I was who I presented to be from date 1. He wasn't. I do believe that he was and still is genuinely heartbroken. However, I don't believe that he was the victim at all (if anything I was). "I really love you" is not enough.

 

Recently we caught up briefly (on his insistence). He kept getting texts from his concerned friends about how seeing me is a bad idea as it will set him back. How I am toying with him and how they don't want to see him back to being unable to leave his bed. How I have hurt him badly and he should stay away from me...These texts arrived as his phone was on the table and he read them out to me. They just angered me. I am painted to be some heartless dumper when it was far from the case.

 

I have just had it and went NC with him.

 

Sounds familiar. In the end my dear, you must ask yourself the question, are YOU in a better place b/c you left? If so, forget what others think.

 

I left my ex and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I have two young children from a previous relationship that I am SOLELY responsible for. I don't have time for any dysfunctional human beings to be around them, let alone diminish my own sanity and happiness.

 

You can count on my ex's family and friends being confused about what happened. They only got one side of the story and frankly, I don't care if they ever get the full story. Everything about my ex, including her own family was dysfunctional.

[curiouslysearching]

I have said it before....."there's no easy way to break somebody's

heart"

[Altair0770]

OK, it's a label you made up which hasn't caught on.

 

If person says "I am leaving" they are the dumper. Nobody forced them to do anything. It doesn't matter whether the problem is big or small, or whether or not they still care for the ex, the person who chooses to exit the relationship is the dumper.

 

And it's Ok to be a dumper. Even if it's "just one flaw".

 

Sorry it hasn't caught on to you friend.

 

There are relationships in which people don't want to leave, as we've seen these boards from some dumpers (even the OP). They wish to progress the relationship and better it, but the dumpee in this case doesn't make the effort, but likes being "in the relationship". Thus, for someone to progress in life, they have to move on and end the relationship. That is a dumper that no one forced their hand, correct.

 

However, there are some relationships in which the dumper was abused, and for their own safety need to exit the relationship despite wishing the relationship could have continued without the violence (in ways, Stockholm syndrome). These people, for the safety of their own life, are forced to walk away from a relationship (as we've seen from these boards).

 

Sorry if you narrow dumpers and dumpees down to the initial stage.

 

 

While you may take pride in being a dumper, and think others should do the same, some people aren't exactly prideful of breaking someones heart because of whatever reasons, and are actually sad they had to make that decision.

[Nothingtolose]

OP, I absolutely agree with you! In the past I was the dumpee and used to think of dumpers as the most horrible people on earth, how dare someone give up on a relationship just like that?

 

Now I'm in the position where I'm on the verge of a break up (actually moving out in 2 weeks, although technically not broken up yet). It is my choice, even though my heart is breaking into a million pieces and I love my partner. It's been months of begging him to work on his issues, drink less, smoke less weed, get out of debt, be more responsible...essentially grow up. He can't do it. I'm trying to make a man out of a boy and I'm simply exhausted.

 

He claims he loves me and places all of our relationship problems upon me. Says I'm too critical, can't accept him as he is, I have 'mental issues' (because I get emotional during our fights and cry a lot), etc...all to excuse himself of any accountability for his actions.

 

I know once I finally walk away he will say it was my choice to end it and will likely not make any effort to address the issues that caused me to go. That's what hurts the most. After being basically forced to be dumper because my partner wouldn't get his **** together, I'm supposed to reach out and contact him just because I was the dumper? Hell no. He will know why he was dumped, and if he wants to work on those issues to save us, he can. I've done enough.

 

And to the people saying 'if the dumpee was a jerk, why would the dumper want to hear from them again?' - some people aren't simply 'jerks'. If there was cheating or abuse, I agree with you. But some people are simply immature/need to grow up (my partner's case). The dumper still holds out hope that they could grow up, if they really wanted to. It doesn't often happen though.

[Bromeo]

And to the people saying 'if the dumpee was a jerk, why would the dumper want to hear from them again?' - some people aren't simply 'jerks'. If there was cheating or abuse, I agree with you. But some people are simply immature/need to grow up (my partner's case). The dumper still holds out hope that they could grow up, if they really wanted to. It doesn't often happen though.

 

Be very careful with generalizations like this one. I will concede that you may be in pain, but I very seriously doubt if my ex felt anything at all. And I certainly do not need to mature any way other than emotionally, which I most certainly have.

 

Mine knows I love her, and I killed myself to make it work after the break. So how exactly is her playing games, stringing me along for months "holding out hope that I'll grow up and change if I wanted to..."?

 

If anything, as the community wisely pointed out in my pain-ridden thread, she needed to grow up. Mine said she gave "...everything to me, and I'll did was hurt her." Yup.

 

The simple fact of my writing over 300 painful posts contrasts that statement.

 

My comments are not meant to accuse, and I understand each persons situation is specific.