I'm weak, immature and selfish

[whatnot]

We dated close to 7 years. It was a LDR. We would meet mostly on weekends. Spending the weekends on my boat in my home city. Most of our relationship consisted of being here...not there. (I came to resent this. It began to feel to me as if she was using me to just get away from the reality of her work and life in her city). She could never commit to when she would be able to see me. She always blamed this on her work. (a real estate agent...).

 

 

She was an extremely jealous person. (Paranoid may even fit).

 

I was never untrue to this woman. But, what I did do....I carried my phone with me constantly. Always waiting for her call. (She would call everyday). If I missed a call....there would be questioning....and anger if I was with my family or working. (I began to become more and more isolated from my family because I knew it would upset her if I were doing anything with other people). Normally, I found the time to answer and let her know I would call her back). I could never get in touch with her. She always called me. I could not call her...and her answer....because she was "a busy girl" as she put it.

 

She began to draw even further away. The last year of our relationship, I saw her one time. I had contracted cancer. She came to be with me.

 

Then she said she wanted to be friends. She would talk to me about her other love interests. But she always maintained that we may someday "be together".

 

I just could not take this any longer. It was then that I explained to her close to a year ago...."You've agreed to see me one time in 6 mos. I think I will take alittle for myself as well. If you try and contact me, I will not respond". That was my last text, or communication at all with this woman.

 

Although, it wasn't the last communication from her. When I told her this....the venom came out fast and furious.

 

 

I am weak for not being able to set stronger boundries as the relationship progressed. But...everytime I tried...she would just say...."It's my job. I cannot plan much of anything in advance'.

 

I was immature. When she said she wanted to be friends, and began telling me of my "competition".....that's when I ended it.

 

I was selfish. I should have wanted her to be with whoever she wanted to be with, even if it wasn't me. And I should have supported her in her choices instead of abandoning her.

 

It seemed impossible for me to be that strong of a man. My life had narrowed drastically. All I was doing was carrying this stupid phone around with me. Waiting on her call.

 

I couldn't set boundries. I didn't support her. And, in the end, I basically told her, in essence..."Don't call me, I'll call you".

 

The relationship was so out of balance. Anytime I would discuss this with her during our relationship...she would understand, and "promise to do better". She would for a week, then back to normal. One way street.

 

 

 

My sister is married to a very secure man. She had an affair. (wasn't "getting her needs met"). Her "new lover" turned out to be a real jerk. When she tried to distance herself from the situation, he threatened to call her husband and tell him what she had been doing. This forced her to go to her husband and explain her actions. (This was her way of taking the new man's power from him).

 

What did her husband say? "So, you've made a mistake huh?"

 

That's been 20 years ago. He's not brought it up again. They have a very healthy marriage....based, I think, on the fact that they are best friends first...and lovers second.

 

They've been married 35 years.

 

Why can't I be more like my brother-in-law?

 

I wish I could. (as I'm sure she does as well). I feel so guilty. I don't know what to do with this guilt. It's getting no better. I could not be what she needed me to be. I could not do what she wanted me to do. In the end, I was not her friend. I've never felt such guilt. I colors my world. Constantly. It's so strong, it's physically painful. It feels as if I weigh 500 lbs.

Edited April 16, 2017 by whatnot

[Bromeo]

Ok, let me weigh in on this. First, some context.

 

The other members here know my story. Top MBA college, great career, decent pay, travel and hobbies. I was semi pro mma, and came close a pro contract.

 

One ex wife, normally no issues with women. Took about 7-8 months to feel fully better after we split 5 years back.

 

What you described above, minus the anger, sounds exactly like the ex that brought me to LS.

 

The distancing, the pushing and pulling, blaming, the emotional control, it's all there.

 

My ex was extremely insecure and immature, at 36.

 

Your struggles with setting boundaries is no reflection on your strength or worth as a person. It took me 5 months of chasing to set appropriate boundaries with her. Seriously. I thought I was going crazy. If anything, it reflects how much you cared.

 

I found myself, like you, waiting all week for a text. She would make plans, then ditch me right before. Sleep with me, and then disappear.

 

Months of this drove my ego into the ground. I felt like I had a fever without the symptoms. I have never in my life been so unstable.

 

Finally in January I had to go NC for good. I made the decision that I wanted to feel better, wanted the drama to end, and that I loved myself more than her.

 

As an action oriented person, I took closure for myself. Read my thread, I guarantee you will see glaring similarities.

 

It's like all of our exs read from the same manual. Months on this site has shown me how awful people can be during a breakup, and how I needed to be a more communicative, better person.

 

Best part is, and this speaks more about me, is when I dealt with clear, communicative women after the nc began, I felt like they, all of them were wrong, I deserved the guilt, games, and pain from my ex.

 

It took months of about 8 very patient female friends to convince me how screwed up she was. When different people all offer the same counsel, it's rarely wrong. And I still sometimes look for ways to beat myself up about how things went down. Crazy.

 

Finally, ester parrell has an amazing graph talking about new trends in dating and breakups. The "icing", "simmering", mine did it all. Yours sounds like it as well.

 

I'm sure the greater community can weigh in on some flags from your post, like possible depression or codependency issues. I'm not qualified to do so. I wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

 

Do not be so hard on yourself. We've all been there. However, I will not be there again due to this experience.

Edited April 16, 2017 by Bromeo

[whatnot]

Thanks so much for reading my post making such a thoughtful points.

 

I told my sister.....at about the 3 year mark...."Sandra, I'm scared. Before I met this person, I trusted people. My first reaction wasn't to focus on their shortcomings (shortcomings, being defined as...anything that would make my g/f mad). I was much more out going. I DID things. My biggest fear Sandra, is that that I will never be that human being again".

 

When my ex left and filed for divorce. I did not hate her. (I didn't much care for the way she went about it....but, my attitude was "I want you to be happy. And if this is what it's gonna take...go". And I meant it. And I haven't been hung up on her (10 years ago...she's re-married. Great! I'm hope it works out for her).

 

But...this bi**h.......It's killin' me.

 

I'll read your story. (I'll do anything at this point. My life's not my own. And it sure ain't her that's doin' this to me. She's gone. It's me...)

 

My ex would've even given this woman glowing reviews on my monogamous nature. But this woman accused me of dating women I didn't even KNOW!

 

The first day we sex....5 mins., and she was GONE! I couldn't believe it.

 

thanks again for the help.

[Altair0770]

Bromeo hit the nail on the head.

 

After my ex broke up with me, I took a lot of blame. Made excuses for her because of her mental illness.

 

Took 2 months NC, and came back to rekindle and try again. I felt so bad for her, being the only one that knows her story, knows of her illness, and the only one knowing the names of the people that hurt her when she was a child.

 

She had friends I still talked to about her (I wasn't doing NC correctly). They all said it's not her fault because of her illness. I made excuses for her, and took blame.

 

I came back after those 2 months, after she had been going to therapy. After that the hostility stopped. She was a different person, in a way. But as I got to know her more while trying to rekindle things, I saw that everything my friends tried telling me in the first 2 months were correct. She was very self centered, an attention seeker, and was using men to escape her reality that was unsatisfying. Rather escape than properly heal.

 

It may take a lot of convincing, but people here on LS don't know your relationship no matter how much you explain it. All we can do is find common ground in relationships and help people find closure in why the relationship didn't work out or why their ex is doing what they're doing, because like Bromeo said, it seems most read from the same manual.

 

The main thing is as time progresses and you continue to heal, you'll run into the anger phase. This is where I've been. Borderline acceptance and borderline anger. I have no sadness for my relationship. I do not miss my relationship. I'm just angry that I got stuck in the situation. It's not a good place to be in, but it's much better than the depressed state. The depressed state blocks your vision on what really happened, and puts your ex on a pedestal. The anger phase is where you realize they aren't that great at all, and you feel angry that you could ever love someone that treated you so bad.

 

In this situation it became clear that this woman isn't a good partner. From your story, it appears she was very controlling. She was more involved in her job than her relationship. She also then decided she wanted to go out and "have fun" and trying to let you down easy.

 

Now let me ask you - do you see yourself being happy while in the same situation as you were the past year, but for the rest of your life? Most the sadness that comes from rejection is wanting to have made something work rather than being forced to give it up. Despite that I wouldn't have had a happy life taking care of a PTSD riddled narcissist, it still angers me that I know it could have worked, but the other side wanted to end it. It took me awhile to accept that her decision was far better for me, and far worse for her.

Edited April 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[whatnot]

I did. I made a lot of excuses. My ex g/f was in an abusive marriage for 15 years. He was a serial cheater. She came home one day and found her ex in bed with another woman. Another time, he pointed a gun at her and threatened to kill her. This explained away the paranoia (in my mind). In my mind, it wouldn't be that big of a problem going forward because I knew (and she would come to learn) I could never do anything like that to anyone. My secret thought was...."Actually, this may work out well. She'll definitely learn with me that not all men are like that". My secret thought proved wrong. She would go through my stuff when she was at my home and I wasn't. I knew that. She found the box where I keep the "pictures of my life". In that pile of pictures, she found a picture of my college g/f and I with our arms around each other. I hadn't talked or spoken to this woman in the 20 years before I met my ex. But, that picture was still in that box (It was a big box. hundreds of pictures of my career, family, my whole life). She hired a Private investigator to see if I was still seeing her. He reported back to her that she had moved 2000 miles away and had been married for 15 years. But that if she wanted 100 percent proof...she would have to pay him to go to where they lived and investigate. She told him "no". When she told me that...I told her to give me the investigator's name. I would call him. And I would hire him to investigate me. And I would cooperate in any way he needed me to. I would not only cooperate with that investigation, but any other investigation about any women she was worried about. (and she was worried about every woman I ever met. She refused. But, she continued to accuse me.

 

After her divorce from her internist husband, and before she met me, she had a 4 year relationship with the Attorney General of the State in which we live. (not WV). I knew from reading the papers his net worth was around 10 million dollars. She claimed the reason for their split was that he would not marry her. I also learned from different channels that the AG's family did not trust this woman. She got a several million dollar settlement from her ex husband. Then she wanted to marry one of the richest men in the capital city of the state where we live. I always wondered...."Why does this woman love me? I'm not a wealthy man! I live on a boat and keep to myself". I have been fortunate that I have a significant income...mostly set up to where I don't have to work for it anymore. (this took many years of work on my part to make this happen before I met her. Plus the help of ALOT of people).

 

When we'd talk of marriage....one time toward the end...she said...."If we got married, and if I needed help, you would not help me". I thought she was talking health!! No. She was talking money. I believe to this day...she would never have been satisfied without complete control of all of my assets. I also believe the AG sensed this as well and that's the reason he refused to marry her and why his family did not trust her. (It's not like she's destitute. She's got probably 5 million in cash in the bank). It was my vision that we would mostly pay our own way, for the most part. We were both in our 50's at this point. I did not want this woman's money.

 

I had begun to see a shrink. (It works on a man. Always being accused of things. My mind would know the facts, but my feelings would be that of guilt. I FELT as if I was guilty of what she accused me of, but my MIND knew otherwise). I needed help.

 

He told me he had seen this before. It's rare, but he'd seen it. In most relationships, it's the man who is the controller and the woman who's controlled. But, in my relationship....it was role reversal. It was the woman who was the controller and the man who is being controlled. This made sense. I was letting her control me right down to when, of if, and how much time, we spent with each other. I admired her for "making it in a man's world"....but...a part of me wondered.....

 

My family....it's not that they didn't trust her....it's that they didn't know her. She would never come to any of my family functions (Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, etc). She would never go on vacation with me. In seven years...not one vacation together. And she loved to travel. She went on a couple a year....around the world.

 

I recently reconnected with the shrink that helped me in the past. I'm going to have to do something about this guilt.

 

Altair (if you've gotten this far).....YOU ARE SO RIGHT. I must have apologized to this person a thousand times for any misunderstandings about women. But...not one time (well, I do remember one time), but other than that, she never apologized to me for anything. And when we broke up.....I brought up that she'd never been on vacation with me one time in seven years. (that was one of the things that made my resentment grow). Her response was...."Really?" It was like she never knew. And I had been on her for 7 years to do so.

 

But, to answer your question. NO. I do not miss the relationship at all. I'm mad at myself for not getting out the first time she investigated me. I should have left 4 years earlier. But.....I'm still wracked with guilt.

 

I've gotta get help with this.

[whatnot]

The guilt is my problem. Not hers. And yes....it's easier to break up when one has no choice. My ex moved out with another man. I got over it. This one I ended. Even though she was on her way out, I killed it.

 

I still miss her company. I miss her as well. But...I definitely do not miss the price it takes to be in her company. She just didn't want me to get into her life. And....she didn't want into my life....except for escape from hers. that's how it seems anyhow.

 

I think I was her ****boy, and I mistook that for love...But I know she enjoyed my company. My shrink said that's what kept her coming back. She could be herself with me. So....it haunts me....why not expand that? Her life was VERY compartmentalized. Mine...heck... meet once....you know everything just by looking at me. Just my face tells all

 

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS GUILT IS ABOUT HER, WHAT I DID TO HER, OR HOW I ENDED IT. IT'S WHAT I'VE DONE TO MYSELF. that's my theory. Plus, cancer forces one to face their mortality. The fact that you die is not longer an abstract thought. It becomes a very real prospect. And look what I've done with my time. Out chasing the shiniest diamond of them all, when, in reality....all that glimmers is not gold.

Edited April 16, 2017 by whatnot

[Logo]

Based on what you wrote, you should place ZERO blame on yourself.

 

I write that from experience.

 

She wanted to have her cake and eat it too.

 

What you describe is not a relationship, it's more of a friends with benefits with someone who's a selfish, manipulative narcissist. Been there, experienced that.

 

Word to the wise, put this behind you, go out and have fun, enjoy life. Don't give her or thinking about her another second of your time. You did absolutely nothing wrong.

 

You're a good, decent person with good moral values and character. That's hardly a weakness.

 

We live and learn. Let this be a learning experience that will make you stronger.

 

Please don't beat yourself up. She's not worth it. You deserve WAY better, don't forget that.

[Bromeo]

Op, are you sure we didn't date the same woman? Lol

 

Mine told me she had a terribly abusive ex of 6 years who fired a gun next to her head, kicked her out naked on Valentine's Day, left her in Mexico, and forced her to have an abortion.

 

Amazingly, she and he texted well into our RS. I didn't even think to put my foot down.

 

And she and he are friends on FB.

And she did a variety of drugs.

And has been arrested.

 

When we split, she had texted him at least 50 times. On the iPhone I bought her, and plan I paid for.

 

She wanted a baby. When I thought she was pregnant, I was excited. She wasn't happy then either, even though she lived with me.

 

Writing this is making me pissed I tolerated all this.

 

These women, they have a hole inside of them that can never be filled. So they drift through life, attaching to men to complete them.

 

I tried to, as you did. I got mine jobs, working out, college, everything.

 

And I was left, treated like hell, and quickly replaced.

 

Let them go. Some people are truly lost souls, you can't fix them, and they will wander through life unhappy, never realizing that happiness comes from within, and blaming everyone around them.

 

It's going to suck for a good long time. DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKES I DID.

 

Delete any online accounts.

Do not for any reason contact her. It will hurt every single time.

No, and I mean NO bold gestures. Terrible women do not appreciate them.

 

Get enough sleep, this is crucial for managing stress.

Workout.

Move if you have to.

Write here as much as you need to.

Post here when the breadcrumbs come, and we will help.

 

And most of all, be patient with yourself.

 

Dude, I hurt so bad I thought I would burst. 2.5 months of rock solid no contact and I'm way, way better. Not 100%, but almost.

[whatnot]

@Hey LOGO! I know a guy....."logo" Coool dude too man! And thanks so much! I ain't sayin' I's perfect. My reactions to her accusations....sometimes....I just felt horrible about it and I knew I was doin' wrong. But MY GAWD WOMAN....Get a grip.....you're so "reasonable" in so many areas. You're smart. Attractive. You don't have to act like the world is out to do you in. It's not a conspiracy baby!

 

I just wanna get to know ya woman! That's all. And she's a socialite. Irony Irony Irony

 

 

@Bromeo......Sometimes it gets a man to wonderin'...."Did all this stuff really happen the way they say it did?" OR....was she just this crazy with her ex as well? (I know he was crazy. He's been arrested for chasing teenagers at their school. Being an internist....havin' money in a small town...he got off and kept his med. license. You or me? we'd be in jail lol

 

Like yours? The kicker....she's back to workin' in her ex husband's practice. Probably payin' her 6 figures to do it. I'm sure she said "screw real estate!"

 

It was last Easter I last saw her. That's a part of this I'm sure. But....screw this.

 

@LOGO you helped me a lot. Thank you so much

 

 

thanks to both of you guys. each helpin' from different angles I think.

 

thanks

 

there's been "a shift" in my thinkin'. And that's what we're all after....just a shift....

Edited April 16, 2017 by whatnot

[todreaminblue]

@Hey LOGO! I know a guy....."logo" Coool dude too man! And thanks so much! I ain't sayin' I's perfect. My reactions to her accusations....sometimes....I just felt horrible about it and I knew I was doin' wrong. But MY GAWD WOMAN....Get a grip.....you're so "reasonable" in so many areas. You're smart. Attractive. You don't have to act like the world is out to do you in. It's not a conspiracy baby!

 

I just wanna get to know ya woman! That's all. And she's a socialite. Irony Irony Irony

 

 

@Bromeo......Sometimes it gets a man to wonderin'...."Did all this stuff really happen the way they say it did?" OR....was she just this crazy with her ex as well? (I know he was crazy. He's been arrested for chasing teenagers at their school. Being an internist....havin' money in a small town...he got off and kept his med. license. You or me? we'd be in jail lol

 

Like yours? The kicker....she's back to workin' in her ex husband's practice. Probably payin' her 6 figures to do it. I'm sure she said "screw real estate!"

 

It was last Easter I last saw her. That's a part of this I'm sure. But....screw this.

 

@LOGO you helped me a lot. Thank you so much

 

 

thanks to both of you guys. each helpin' from different angles I think.

 

thanks

 

there's been "a shift" in my thinkin'. And that's what we're all after....just a shift....

 

 

Im sorry this happened to you...a shift in thinkin is a good thing.....and im glad that you can see her for who she really was.....i wish you well.....deb

[whatnot]

Im sorry this happened to you...a shift in thinkin is a good thing.....and im glad that you can see her for who she really was.....i wish you well.....deb

A heartfelt sentiment doesn't goes in vain.

[todreaminblue]

A heartfelt sentiment doesn't goes in vain.

 

 

that is a beautiful thought......deb