Meet-ups - just a sleaze fest?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I recently went to a third meet-up in my life. This one was the largest group in my city with a pretty generic theme. I am not even going to try special interest groups as there seems to be around 3 people that RSVP.

 

I am actually looking to make friends, specifically female friends. Most of the friends that I do have are men and I really don't like the undercurrent of some kind of sexual expectation regardless on if they are involved or not. There is only one that I feel has zero of those motives.

 

So I went to this meet-up and from a get go I was swamped with sleazy men. I am currently not looking to date and even when I was, these men are just ugh. There was a couple of PUAs that attempted some magic tricks on me. The most classic case of PUA I have come across in real life.

 

There was a 50 something man that claimed to be a surgeon and told me his annual salary within the first 5 minutes of conversation. He also had a really bad breath

 

I met a couple of women that I approached but they seemed to lose interest in the conversation when some men appeared on the horizon. I exchanged numbers with one of them and followed up with a text to ask her if she wanted to grab coffee sometime since we work in close proximity. She never responded

 

Since I don't have much experience with meet-ups...are they all just places where people are looking to pick up?

[Popsicle]

Years ago I went to one that was co-ed. It was not fun and parts of what you have described were definitely there and it wasn't cool. Then I went to one that was just for women. That was way better. They did fun things and were cool women. It was advertised and supposed to be for SINGLE women only just for us to get together and get out to do fun social things, but of course, some married women just HAD to join because they were miserable in their marriage and wished to act single (of course while conveniently staying married:rolleyes:). I wasn't the leader of the group and had no say, but if I was, of course I'd kick their azzes out so fast. The group eventually closed because the leader got a boyfriend (of course, lol) and I guess no was else was willing to take on the responsibility and time commitment of being the planner/leader. If you think you can swing that, I suggest you start your own meetup group just for single women only. The one I was in had a really cool name that suggested a theme that attracted very cool women. PM me and I can tell you more about it if you are interested in making one.

[Sweetfish]

I recently went to a third meet-up in my life. This one was the largest group in my city with a pretty generic theme. I am not even going to try special interest groups as there seems to be around 3 people that RSVP.

 

I am actually looking to make friends, specifically female friends. Most of the friends that I do have are men and I really don't like the undercurrent of some kind of sexual expectation regardless on if they are involved or not. There is only one that I feel has zero of those motives.

 

So I went to this meet-up and from a get go I was swamped with sleazy men. I am currently not looking to date and even when I was, these men are just ugh. There was a couple of PUAs that attempted some magic tricks on me. The most classic case of PUA I have come across in real life.

 

There was a 50 something man that claimed to be a surgeon and told me his annual salary within the first 5 minutes of conversation. He also had a really bad breath

 

I met a couple of women that I approached but they seemed to lose interest in the conversation when some men appeared on the horizon. I exchanged numbers with one of them and followed up with a text to ask her if she wanted to grab coffee sometime since we work in close proximity. She never responded

 

Since I don't have much experience with meet-ups...are they all just places where people are looking to pick up?

 

 

I want to say to it soo bad

[preraph]

I think you have to do just women meetups, but then you have to be prepared for a lot of those women to be lesbians also looking for a partner, not that they're obnoxious like the sleazy men, though. But common interests may be a problem.

 

I tried some long time ago. One was for childfree people, and the problem with that is just being childfree gives you nothing else in common except you have the nerve to choose not to procreate. So that group was mostly married couples and lesbians. I tried to connect with one of the wives but the married couples were very guarded about any singles there. The lesbians all stood together in the dining room with very little conversation but at least they liked my pesto. They all seemed very shy.

 

Then one special interest group I joined I really liked at first. It was a paranormal group, but yes, there was an undercurrent going on there at times and I started wondering if the couple who led it were swingers. Then there was this obnoxious Elvis impersonator there who was married and carried on an affair with a married woman who joined and hit on everyone. They went on overnights at these places, and it sounded like it got pretty nuts, so I was glad I was too old to want to sleep on the ground.

 

But usually the meetings were good and stayed on topic. But then these two perfectly sweet lesbians joined the group and from then on, the meetings once a month were never on topic again. I kept thinking they'd lose interest like many did and stop coming, but instead I lost interest. I mean, I was not there to sit around and watch them show people photos of Emma Stone's new haircut on their smartphone or talk about sports or anime. And they dominated the conversation and it was very boring, so I finally just left.

 

So it's hard to find the right group. A women's group, someone will be there to hit on women. A coed group, all the man are there to find sex, make no mistake, even if the name of the group is "Friends only Not Here for Sex."

 

But you can always start your own group and be very specific. I have thought about it. I'm in a situation where I'd love to just meet ladies for lunch, but the ones in my area are for under 40 (I'm in my 60s) and if I made one for my age group, they'd only want to talk about their grandkids, and that would bore me to tears. I have nothing in common with them if that's their main interest. And if you made a group real specialized, no one would be in it.

[Shining One]

It really comes down to how the groups are run. Generic groups tend to be mixers, so I'm not surprised by your experience. I was part of a gaming group and the leaders (a husband and wife) had a strict no hitting on people rule at the events. It worked very well. We met, played games, and made some friends.

 

As others have suggested, start your own group and make your own rules.

[Better]

It goes both ways. I go to Meetup groups to meet people that have similar interests or are doing something that I would prefer to do with others. I'm not looking for a date, but there are many women there that are definitely looking for a date and I have felt like I have been a target. It's been uncomfortable enough that I have left some of the groups.

 

I know for a fact, because she told me so, that one of my ex-girlfriends only went to Meetup events if she saw there were "eligible men" there even if she had no interest in the topic of the Meetup.

[The_Thall_Man]

You get a lot of people here in Internetland who insist they're a great place to meet prospective significant others, but my experience hasn't been great. It could very well be my metro (Phoenix, Arizona), I dunno... but none of the groups were places where I felt like I could meet anyone with dating in mind, or even new friends. I tried quite a few times with different groups, and while I occasionally still hit one up, I more-or-less pass on them these days.

 

I had two different experiences here: The singles ones just were never my demo. They've been primarily empty nesters with a few round 2'ers. People on their way to retirement, in Jimmy Buffet shirts, talking about riding Harleys on the weekends. Cool on them, but there just wasn't anyone there I could "settle down" with. Just different places in life. Then there's the more topical groups, which are pretty scant around here despite being a big city. I've gone to a few based on my interests, but again, there weren't any women there that I felt interested in / attracted to. It's weird. I see plenty of women out just in normal circumstances that I find attractive, but when I've gone to MeetUps, I don't see any. [bad] luck of the draw, I guess.

Edited April 16, 2017 by The_Thall_Man

[SpiralOut]

You may have to attend the women-only meetups. I've attended several of those groups and in my experience, all the women were genuinely looking for female friends. I did manage to meet a few women that I spent time with outside of the group.

 

As for coed groups, I didn't find too much of a dating vibe until the last meetup event I attended. Imagine my surprise when I started chatting to a woman, invited a bored-looking man to join our conversation, and found myself cut out of the conversation while they proceeded to have some sort of mini-date or whatever it was they were doing. Very annoying. So, I feel your pain.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I recently went to a third meet-up in my life. This one was the largest group in my city with a pretty generic theme. I am not even going to try special interest groups as there seems to be around 3 people that RSVP.

 

I am actually looking to make friends, specifically female friends. Most of the friends that I do have are men and I really don't like the undercurrent of some kind of sexual expectation regardless on if they are involved or not. There is only one that I feel has zero of those motives.

 

So I went to this meet-up and from a get go I was swamped with sleazy men. I am currently not looking to date and even when I was, these men are just ugh. There was a couple of PUAs that attempted some magic tricks on me. The most classic case of PUA I have come across in real life.

 

There was a 50 something man that claimed to be a surgeon and told me his annual salary within the first 5 minutes of conversation. He also had a really bad breath

 

I met a couple of women that I approached but they seemed to lose interest in the conversation when some men appeared on the horizon. I exchanged numbers with one of them and followed up with a text to ask her if she wanted to grab coffee sometime since we work in close proximity. She never responded

 

Since I don't have much experience with meet-ups...are they all just places where people are looking to pick up?

 

I thought you were always in kind of a "single and looking" mode considering your posts. Unless that's changed recently? :-)

 

Anyway, I still do meetups, but in my experience I've never heard of women having experienced a sleeze "fest" of sorts, but we'd have the occasional sleeze bag though, but usually they don't stick around when they don't' get results and the majority rules.

 

You may as well stick with the special interests groups. I do the hiking or any outdoors related groups. They have less of a "single and on the prowl" vibe to it, although...there are mostly singles in it anyway.

 

I was on a hike once, when a woman had asked a couple of us guys saying, "Do you think these meetups are just a place where people are singles meeting singles?"

 

I found that to be an usual question, when in a hiking group...but ...considering the Meetups in my area...about 90% of the people in each group are usually unattached/single. You'll get the occasional couples showing up...usually on the hikes.

 

But we do have quite a few general social groups that have singles galore, and I'd say most of the people there are "single and looking" and the women are open to it as well.

 

I recall the organizer who had noticed a huge amount of woman RSVP'ers and sent off a message to the men saying, "We need more men to balance us out, come on men...let's do this! LOL!"

 

But, that does explain why she has an online dating profile I'd come across recently.

 

So chances are it's all perspective on how one sees it as a "sleeze factor", if the women are on the prowl, they are likely less to see it that way.

 

I could assume "sleeze factor" means, "Ugh, unattractive men are hitting on me, why can't an attractive one approach me for a change?!" lol

 

There was this one married woman that kept showing up by herself, her husband always worked Fri and Sat. nights. Her and some single gal pals spun off on their own and she started hanging at night clubs. Turns out, her marriage was in a downwards spiral, so it looks like she was gearing into single mode before the divorce papers were signed. She was shopping around prior to divorcing apparently.

 

But anyways, if your'e seriously not in "single and looking mode" you're better off with the special interests groups, because the social groups are more than likely have a "single and looking" mentality, including the men.

 

[]

 

I've known quite a few or several people that coupled up and even had marriages that spawned from Meetup. So it's not necessarily a bad thing.

Edited April 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic ~6

[Emilia]

I don't go to generic ones that involve alcohol and I genuinely go to 'special interest' ones (mostly stuff like astronomy, space technology, etc) because the subjects interest me. Debate societies are pretty good.

 

On the rare occasion that I go for the small chat, it's a coffee or meal networking event because if you take alcohol out of the equation, the sleazeballs don't bother attending.

 

However, the point is I suppose that in order to make the most of meetups you should go in with the expectation that you will end up widening your social circle, rather than meet the love of your life. Of course you might end up meeting someone really cool via a meetup acquaintance but to think that everyone will be just amazing at any place you rock up at generally doesn't work in real life.

[Spring23]

There was a 50 something man that claimed to be a surgeon and told me his annual salary within the first 5 minutes of conversation.

 

Next time that happens reply: "Oh wow that's cool! Can I have some cash?"

 

(He'll either walk away or hand you some money. Win-Win.)

[d0nnivain]

It probably depends on the nature of the group. I went to one that was about playing board games. We actually played board games. No sleeze. Similarly I have been to a lot about building your business. These were filled with entrepreneurs trying to sell you something but nothing sexual or romantic.

[angel.eyes]

I belong to special interest meetups, and for the most part have had good experience with those. The focus is on the activity and socializing, rather than in-your-face, crude pickups. Mega groups (in my area, there are groups with 20K+ members) that are just general meetups to socialize tend to be used as pick-up fests.

 

If you're specifically looking for women friends, then try meetups that are geared to women. Depending on your interests, look at book clubs, meetups on dining out and trying different restaurants, etc. Personally, I belong to hiking, cycling, sports, and music meetup groups.

[NuevoYorko]

I thought you were always in kind of a "single and looking" mode considering your posts. Unless that's changed recently? :-)

 

Being single and looking does not mean that a woman is open to being approached by undesirable men, especially when she is expecting to be in a neutral environment and looking for social networking.

 

I have not been to any meet-ups, but I've always been under the impression that they were for connecting with others who had shared interests, not for hitting on people.

[Cookiesandough]

Lol this is hilarious. It's like you stole my experience right out of my head. The really blatant PUAs lol (as if there is such thing as a subtle PUA. They have a handbook and seminars where they teach the same crap playing on the crudest emotions and gender stereotypes) They're often the leader of the group. I went to ONE unisex one and saw a girl crying towards the end of the night. I found out the sleazy leader who I met earlier slept with her and was pretending like he didn't know her. He ended up messaging me via meetups messaging system LOL and you can't block the leaders of the group on there so I left the group. Now I am part of mostly female only groups or groups tiered towards very specific interests.

 

The unisex bar hopping network ones are going to have awkward guys who go specifically to pick up women. I still go if it's a huge crowd and an event/venue I really like, because I think it's fun to meet/hang out with a mixed bag of new people once in a blue moon...but I stay aware of this

[SwordofFlame]

I think specific interest groups are probably a better idea. The general groups for mingling tend to attract some sleazy people or even socially awkward people.

[Jj66]

It depends on the particular meetup and how the leadership run it. Some are full of sleaze. Some have virtually none.

[clia]

You have to find the right Meetups. The ones that are well run will not tolerate sleazy guys crawling all over the members and treating it like a pickup joint. I belonged to one Meetup that regularly booted out the PUA types; they would rarely make it past attendance at one event.

 

I've had great experiences at Meetups both in meeting friends and men to date. (I met my husband at a Meetup event.) But you might have to search around for the right ones, or as others have suggested, start your own group. Then you set the rules and you can kick out who you want.