Sharing my EA story

[Ravensglen]

Thank you in advance to those who read this. I've already learned so much from the good advice/wisdom from others on this forum.

 

Background: my EA was with an ex. He and I first met when we were both 20 or so years old. He was in the military at the time and I was in college. We were both single. We lived in different states. He was on leave and came to visit my roommate who was an old friend of his. So, we were introduced by a mutual friend. We hit it off right away and kept in contact after he left. We lived in different states and were hundreds of miles apart. He was deployed for 3 months shortly thereafter and we exchanged hundreds emails and a few phone calls when his situation allowed. Long story short, I became very attached to him. Of course, there was a huge fantasy component to it because we did not live anywhere near each other and did not share any "realities" together. That said, I felt he understood me and was there for me emotionally when I was in desperate need of someone to whom I could relate. I had a very tumultuous family situation and was self-supporting through school. I worked a lot of hours to pay rent, etc. and had a difficult time relating to people who were just handed things or didn't have the same level of responsibility as me. I felt he understood my work ethic and respected it.

 

He left the military after 4 years and decided to move back to our home state. He moved in with his parents and started going to college. In the meantime, I had graduated and was working at my first "professional" job. After he moved back, we lived just 2 hours apart. After all the emails and calls, we could finally be together. We started our "real" relationship together-- it only lasted 8 months. We took turns driving back and forth to each other on the weekend. Ultimately, he was in college and didn't want a long-distance girlfriend. He called me up one day and dumped me. I really didn't see it coming- and it was not mutual. I was crazy about him and I was devastated that he didn't want to be with me. That said, I have too much pride to beg someone to want to be with me- I respected his choice, eventually seeing it was for the best because he wanted to be young and sow his oats, whereas I wanted a serious relationship.

 

We had nothing to do with each other for 8 years. No contact whatsoever. I never thought about him, I 'nothing-ed' him, he was not part of my life. I did not care about him one way or another because I was over the relationship, break up, etc. it was ancient history as far as I was concerned. The last time we talked was when he broke up with me.

 

In the meantime, I had moved on- I live across the country now, eventually I got married and now have a 1 1/2 year old. I got pregnant within months of getting married and spent the first year of marriage being pregnant. I had our daughter 3 days after our 1 year anniversary. We've been married for about 2 1/2 years - anyone with young kids can understand how difficult it is, and no matter how much you love them they can certainly strain a relationship. That said, my husband and I are a pretty solid team. As expected, the energy for "romance" and personal time that we had pre baby is a dim memory. We both work full time, and we have a house and dog in addition to a baby. Sometimes it feels like our lives revolve around everything that must be done and it leaves us both with very little time for ourselves. When we fight, it is mostly about money (I'm a saver, he's a spender) and household chores. My husband is very lazy around the house. Although we both work full time outside the home, he doesn't want to pitch in around the house. Also, my husband is not the greatest listener. He gets bored easily when I start taking and frequently says "get to the point" "too many details", etc. Some of this is just very typical relationship stuff.

 

After 8 years of nothing, this ex found me and sent me a message to my email at work to express regret about the way he treated me at the end of our relationship and to wish me well. I didn't respond right away. I showed the email to my husband who replied that he didn't care if I responded and/or wanted to be friends with this ex. So, I emailed the ex back- and so it began. The emails back and forth started out 3-4 days apart, about general topics that weren't very in-depth and escalated to daily calls about some pretty deep and personal topics. After several weeks, he told me that he and his wife were not doing very well, they slept in separate bedrooms, hadn't been "intimate" in about a year, and he felt they were heading toward divorce. I was pretty shocked. I suggested counseling, but he seemed to think it would be pointless. I also started to feel my conscience more strongly, telling me that this was not a good situation for me to be in. My husband knew we were talking, but I doubted his wife did. My husband also didn't know the contacts has escalated to daily phone calls. So, I came home from work that day and confessed to my husband that I felt I was having an emotional affair with this ex and I felt terrible about it. I would cut off all contact if that's what he wanted. My husband said he was not going to tell me what to do- but said that if I felt guilty, I probably shouldn't do things that would make me feel guilty. He said the choice was mine. He did set some boundaries with me- no meeting up with the ex (easy- we live across the country from each other), no sending explicit pics or se*ting. I never did any of those things, but with the "green light" I stopped fighting talking to the ex and just gave in to talking to him.

 

With the ex, I found someone who seemed genuinely interested in talking to me, someone who seemed to think I was interesting, etc. I can see now that it gave me an ego boost and an escape from my daily life. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and chose to see him in a very positive light. On his end, I'm sure talking to me was an escape from whatever problems he had at home. He said things like, breaking up with me was his biggest regret, wishes he could go back in time and appreciate what we had when we were together, etc. He wished that we could be together again. The better he (the ex)started to look, the worst my husband started to look. I started to become extremely dissatisfied with my husband- my husband with whom I had a real relationship with. I was definitely in affair fog. I definitely felt the addiction that some refer to. When we (ex and I) weren't talking, my conscience screamed at me- when I got a text or call from him- I pushed my conscious away every time and gave in. It felt good to connect with him and I lost myself in it. I was actively abandoning/running away from myself. To deal with the discomfort, I added more exercise to my normal routine, I listened to loud music in the car, I went shopping, etc. I distracted myself.

 

After about 4 months of this, I'd finally reached the breaking point. He told me that he was going to a concert with his wife on Sunday and texted me while he was at the concert with her. So he was sitting right next to her and talking to me at the same time. I suddenly felt so utterly disgusted by the whole situation. I felt disgusted for enabling him to emotionally cheat on his wife. I began to see what a coward he was for not ending it with her or stepping up and standing up for himself in his relationship with her. Instead, he was going around behind her back and I was enabling it. I felt disgusted for being a part of it. I felt disgusted for running from my conscience. I felt disgusted for pining for a man (ex) that dumped me 8 years ago. I felt disgusted for the way I was treating my husband. Although my husband said I could talk to him as much as I wanted, I knew it was not healthy for the relationship or for me. The next day I told him (ex) that I needed space from him and I was tired of the roller coaster. He said he was disappointed but understood. We've had no contact since. We've been NC for about 4 weeks now, and I plan to keep it that way. The first 2 weeks were excruciating- I had to talk myself out of texting him hundreds of times - I just reminded myself that I ended it for a reason and I wasn't happy when I was enmeshed in the "relationship" with him. It has become easier (not easy). I also told my husband that I don't talk to him anymore.

 

I've learned a lot from the whole experience about myself and other people.

I am definitely less judgmental of others. I've learned how important self-care is: not just going to the gym, but putting myself first. Everyone is responsible for their own lives. I am not responsible for "saving" anyone else, or for making anyone else feel better at my own expense. Putting myself first means that I prioritize my emotional well being. Living in a world of fantasy in my own head for 4 months about what "might have been" was terrible. I choose the reality over the fantasy any day. I also learned to advocate for myself, appropriately, in my relationship with my husband. After the whole mess was over, I told him that I was unhappy with several things in the relationship- I told him that I needed more help around the house, I told him that we need to work on communicating more effectively with each other, and that I needed him to be a better listener. He heard me, and things are in a forward direction.

 

I've also seen a counselor since. She told me the period of time in a marriage with young kids is the hardest- and if my husband and I could make it through the next few years it would get easier.

[NTV]

Thanks for sharing! Feels good to get it all out right?

[Ravensglen]

Thanks. It does. I feel like a weight was lifted after I wrote it all out and I feel like can move forward now. I think sharing is important because it releases some of the secrecy and shame of it all.

[DKT3]

Are you addressing your boundaries issues and apparent lack of respect for your husband and marriage? It's good that you've confronted him on his issues ( as you see them) but what about yours? You do realize that his issues aren't why you got to where you did right?

 

I'm concerned that you're upset the other guy wasn't willing to walk away from his marriage, it makes it seem that you've only backed into your marriage because you couldn't move forward with the AP......It's easy to say fantasy now that it didn't work, but it doesn't sound like it, sounds like plan A fail so husband is plan B. I expect you will disagree, but just give it some thought....It's extremely unfair to attempt to change your husband because he isn't your ex. It would be much easier on everyone to let him go if you can't truly invest. Marriage is hard, and it gets harder before it gets easier. What happens the next time?

[Tulipwood]

Ravensglen did you share with your husband the extent of your feelings towards the ex?

 

With your husband knowing you were communicating with an ex I'm wondering if he checked out as well?

 

Individual counselling will be beneficial in recognizing the why's and how's of crossing boundaries for yourself and learning healthy coping skills.

 

I would think marriage counselling would be quite beneficial as both you and your husband are each part of the equation in your marriage. It sounds as though you both still have the love and will to have the marriage to survive.

 

The counselling together would help both of your voices to be heard and understood effectively.

 

I think it's great you stopped the EA and are wanting to work on yourself and marriage:)

[Ravensglen]

Are you addressing your boundaries issues and apparent lack of respect for your husband and marriage? It's good that you've confronted him on his issues ( as you see them) but what about yours? You do realize that his issues aren't why you got to where you did right?

 

I'm concerned that you're upset the other guy wasn't willing to walk away from his marriage, it makes it seem that you've only backed into your marriage because you couldn't move forward with the AP......It's easy to say fantasy now that it didn't work, but it doesn't sound like it, sounds like plan A fail so husband is plan B. I expect you will disagree, but just give it some thought....It's extremely unfair to attempt to change your husband because he isn't your ex. It would be much easier on everyone to let him go if you can't truly invest. Marriage is hard, and it gets harder before it gets easier. What happens the next time?

 

Thank you for your feedback. An EA occurred because of my own weaknesses - definitely not my husband's. You are absolutely correct that I need to confront my own issues. Part of it is codependency- enjoying and coming to rely on the ego boost of a man who dumped me and now "realizes" he made a mistake-- and using that to temporarily feel better about myself-- to being the person who can "save" my ex from his loneliness or feelings of rejection (if what he says is even true), to having someone notice me and/or seem genuinely interested in how I'm doing, what I'm feeling, etc. Believe me, I know how sad and pathetic it is. Now that I'm 4 weeks NC and I can see past the affair fog, I know that I was not seeing things as they were. You are also correct that my husbands issues didn't cause the EA- I know this because for the first few weeks of NC, (after I talked to my husband) he started helping more around the house... and yet, after saying that's what I wanted, I didn't feel any differently about him. Anotherwords, the loving feelings for him did not magically return as I thought they would just because he started helping with housework. I was still building up the EA partner in my head and fantasizing about him. By fantasizing about the EA partner, I was not being real with myself about the object of my affection (or obsession). It wasn't until I crossed several more weeks of NC and got out of the fog that I realized that I was imagining my ex to be perfect-- and he is far from it. The less I built up the EA partner, the more I started to see my husbands good qualities and appreciate them.

 

As far as my own issues go, I've also realized that I need to learn how to feel good about myself without an external entity's approval or compliments. I can't neglect myself and my own morals for a temporary ego boost. Ultimately (and ironically) the thing I was using to falsely feel better about myself only degraded my sense of self even further.

 

You are absolutely right- I can't turn my husband into my ex. And boy, am I happy about that. If my husband were my ex, he would be sneaky, dishonest, and selfish. That is exactly how my ex was treating his wife by participating in the EA with me.

 

I'm very happy the ex and I live across the country from each other, otherwise I can't say I wouldn't have physically cheated on my husband as well. The EA was bad enough.

[Ravensglen]

Ravensglen did you share with your husband the extent of your feelings towards the ex?

 

With your husband knowing you were communicating with an ex I'm wondering if he checked out as well?

 

Individual counselling will be beneficial in recognizing the why's and how's of crossing boundaries for yourself and learning healthy coping skills.

 

I would think marriage counselling would be quite beneficial as both you and your husband are each part of the equation in your marriage. It sounds as though you both still have the love and will to have the marriage to survive.

 

The counselling together would help both of your voices to be heard and understood effectively.

 

I think it's great you stopped the EA and are wanting to work on yourself and marriage:)

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I didn't tell my husband that I thought I loved my ex- and I'm glad, because I know now that it wasn't "love" -- obsession, limerence, whatever you want to call it... it wasn't love. I did tell him how having someone to talk to who seemed concerned & interested in me made me feel special/important -- My husband rightfully pointed out that my ex had ulterior motives for appearing interested and/or concerned about me, whereas he (my husband) had no ulterior motives because he was already with me, in a committed relationship. So if my husband asks me how my day was, he actually wants to know, whereas if the EA partner asked, there was likely an ulterior motive.

 

I think counseling together would be great. As a couple, we don't always communicate effectively and I will fully admit I am 50% to blame for it!

[Marc878]

Your H and you should read "Not Just Friends" and pick up a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs".