What is the "cheater script" after discovery?

[bbanner]

I've read on a few posts that cheaters follow a script after discovery, trickle truth, hysterical bonding, history rewriting etc. Is that script on here anywhere? And is there a difference with reconciliation if the affair was discovered by the spouse vs the wayward confessing to it? Or is are most affairs discovered by the spouse? Trying to educate myself.

[preraph]

So why do I get the feeling you're trying to find a way to scam your BS into taking you back after you cheated? If they have a brain, they will not come back, no matter how they found out because you are still the same cheater.

[bbanner]

If you read my past posts, I got screwed in the situation and i am not the cheater. I dont want to get scammed again and just trying learn as much as i can.

[cocorico]

I've read on a few posts that cheaters follow a script after discovery, trickle truth, hysterical bonding, history rewriting etc. Is that script on here anywhere? And is there a difference with reconciliation if the affair was discovered by the spouse vs the wayward confessing to it? Or is are most affairs discovered by the spouse? Trying to educate myself.

 

There was no script in our case. He disclosed the A to his then-W, left her, and we got together FT. Nomtrickle truth, no HB, no rewriting (from his side). As are different. What went down with one person may be very different to what goes down in your case. It doesn't sound as though your MW is being honest with anyone.

[Birdies]

I've read on a few posts that cheaters follow a script after discovery, trickle truth, hysterical bonding, history rewriting etc. Is that script on here anywhere? And is there a difference with reconciliation if the affair was discovered by the spouse vs the wayward confessing to it? Or is are most affairs discovered by the spouse? Trying to educate myself.

 

It's not like a literal script lol Its just that most cheaters who were found out say the same few things. 1) it never went physical (this means it did) 2) we only kissed (we had sex) 3) we only had sex once/twice (we banged all the time). Cheaters are so used to hiding things and trying to avoid consequences, so they keep doing that even when caught. You try to downplay as much as possible.

 

Generally if the wayward spouse confesses, there are better odds for reconciliation because it means they're really remorseful and are more willing to do whatever it takes to make it easier for their spouse. Usually people don't confess if they're planning on leaving, because they want to maintain some semblance of dignity.

 

Hope that helps.

[NTV]

It's not like a literal script lol Its just that most cheaters who were found out say the same few things. 1) it never went physical (this means it did) 2) we only kissed (we had sex) 3) we only had sex once/twice (we banged all the time). Cheaters are so used to hiding things and trying to avoid consequences, so they keep doing that even when caught. You try to downplay as much as possible.

 

Generally if the wayward spouse confesses, there are better odds for reconciliation because it means they're really remorseful and are more willing to do whatever it takes to make it easier for their spouse. Usually people don't confess if they're planning on leaving, because they want to maintain some semblance of dignity.

 

Hope that helps.

 

This is pretty much it.

[bbanner]

Thank you so much!!!

[BetrayedH]

I've read on a few posts that cheaters follow a script after discovery, trickle truth, hysterical bonding, history rewriting etc. Is that script on here anywhere? And is there a difference with reconciliation if the affair was discovered by the spouse vs the wayward confessing to it? Or is are most affairs discovered by the spouse? Trying to educate myself.

 

I'll take a stab at your second/third questions.

 

Stats I have seen on reconciliation were measured at 2 years post Dday. In scenarios where the wayward voluntarily disclosed, about 70% remained together. In scenarios where the affair was instead discovered, only 35% remained together and about half of them reported being "happy." I think this is the single most influential factor on reconciliation. A voluntary confession is a fairly clear indicator of true remorse on the part of the wayward. That's the key to the potential for forgiveness in my book.

 

As for stats on how many are discovered, etc., these are notoriously difficult to confirm due to the secrecy of affairs but the best stats I've seen showed that about 25% are confessed, 25% are discovered, and 50% remain unknown to the BS.

[Arieswoman]

bb,

usual response from WS is - "it's not like you think it is "

[cocorico]

 

In scenarios where the wayward voluntarily disclosed, about 70% remained together. In scenarios where the affair was instead discovered, only 35% remained together and about half of them reported being "happy." ...

 

 

As for stats on how many are discovered, etc., these are notoriously difficult to confirm due to the secrecy of affairs but the best stats I've seen showed that about 25% are confessed, 25% are discovered, and 50% remain unknown to the BS.

 

So, for the WS, intent on staying in the M, debating whether or not to disclose:

 

* if you disclose, you have a 70% chance of staying together, 30% chance of not.

* if you don't disclose, you have a 33.3% chance of being found out, and a 66.7% chance of not.

* if you get found out, you have a 35% chance of staying together, and a 65% chance of not.

* Thus, if you don't disclose, you have a 78% chance of staying tougher, and a 21.5% chance of not.

 

* Thus, your odds of staying together are higher if you don't disclose (78% vs 70%)

* however, if you are found out...

* 11.6% of WS don't disclose, get discovered, stay together anyway - of whom half (5.8%) claim to be happy, and half (5.8%) not.

 

Apologies if that's off topic.

[Southern Sun]

Certainly no script, but if a cheater is caught, they are typically looking to self-protect at all costs. The most immediate reaction is to deny as much as he/she possibly can...as in, anything that is not undeniable, they WILL deny.

 

Not all are like that of course. Some confess. If they are cheating and would prefer to be out of it but feel "stuck", they may spill the beans, in some form of twisted relief. But usually, in that moment of surprise, they see no benefit to admitting their deeds.

 

If there are things he/she just can't get around, then usually there is trickle truth. Only certain acts are admitted to and the rest is completely minimized. Those with a conscience, who really desire to heal the relationship, may eventually come clean. But even then it becomes really hard to tell the whole truth, because you have seen how much pain what you've already confessed to has caused. One piece of advice I will give you - if you are in a situation with someone you think has remorse and truly loves you, but you don't think you have the full truth...try to give them a safe space to talk to you. It doesn't mean automatically forgiving them. But if you want the truth, they need to feel like they can say it without you immediately losing your mind.

 

Certain individuals - those who want the option to continue the cheating or who simply care more about their image and comfort than giving you the love and respect and compassion you deserve - will hold onto those lies until the end.

[BetrayedH]

So, for the WS, intent on staying in the M, debating whether or not to disclose:

 

* if you disclose, you have a 70% chance of staying together, 30% chance of not.

* if you don't disclose, you have a 33.3% chance of being found out, and a 66.7% chance of not.

* if you get found out, you have a 35% chance of staying together, and a 65% chance of not.

* Thus, if you don't disclose, you have a 78% chance of staying tougher, and a 21.5% chance of not.

 

* Thus, your odds of staying together are higher if you don't disclose (78% vs 70%)

* however, if you are found out...

* 11.6% of WS don't disclose, get discovered, stay together anyway - of whom half (5.8%) claim to be happy, and half (5.8%) not.

 

Apologies if that's off topic.

 

Some of your math seems a little sketchy but to follow the path you're on, I'd summarize it this way...

 

75% chance of the affair remaining hidden if you don't confess

70% chance of staying together if you confess

 

The problem with the former is that it requires you to lie to your spouse for the remainder of your life. That sounds like a life sentence to me. I'd want the potential for more than that, which is offered by the latter option.

[bbanner]

Nice stats! Thanks. Very educational. Interesting to see that the WS will somehow justify the continued deceit to protect the spouse from hurting more or doing for the self protection

[sandylee1]

Script?

 

He/she didn't mean anything.

 

I love you.

 

I didn't mean to hurt you.

 

It wasn't physical... Then... We only kissed.. Then... Then we touched... It was just oral... It was just once.. (Him).. I couldn't get it up (Her).. The sex was rubbish.

 

"She pursued me, threw herself at me"

 

"I was lonely" "You were never here" I needed someone to talk to" "He/she is just a friend"

 

And the list goes on.

[wmacbride]

Some of your math seems a little sketchy but to follow the path you're on, I'd summarize it this way...

 

75% chance of the affair remaining hidden if you don't confess

70% chance of staying together if you confess

 

The problem with the former is that it requires you to lie to your spouse for the remainder of your life. That sounds like a life sentence to me. I'd want the potential for more than that, which is offered by the latter option.

 

I don't know how someone can lie for that long. The stress of it would be very wearing, not to mention one's conscience pricking at them.

[cocorico]

Some of your math seems a little sketchy

 

Some of the percentages I rounded off, others not, so yep, doesn't all quite add up.

 

but to follow the path you're on, I'd summarize it this way...

 

75% chance of the affair remaining hidden if you don't confess

 

...plus a further three percent chance of staying together if it's discovered, despite your not disclosing.

 

If that's what you're wanting, you might consider those decent odds, IDK.

 

70% chance of staying together if you confess

 

...and 100% greater chance of staying together more authentically, IMV.

But I'm guessing that, if you're engaging in infidelity, you're not too concerned about authenticity in your M.

 

The problem with the former is that it requires you to lie to your spouse for the remainder of your life. That sounds like a life sentence to me. I'd want the potential for more than that, which is offered by the latter option.

 

I'd agree with that - but having never been a WS, I'm only guessing here. It just seems to me that, for a WS post-infidelity, if you decide to stay in the M, you have two choices:

1) rug sweeping / denial / staying in body but not in spirit... basically just "sticking it out" - either until "the kids are old enough" / "we can afford to D" / whatever point you imagine you can pull the plug.

2) you recommit to the M.

 

For me, the latter would require disclosure - not least of all because I don't have the energy to construct a false reality; and because I would not want to recommit to a R with someone I didn't respect, and I could not in all honesty respect someone and yet keep them in the dark about something so important to the M as that.

 

But that's me. I'm sure others - especially those who have been WS - have other views.

[BetrayedH]

I don't know how someone can lie for that long. The stress of it would be very wearing, not to mention one's conscience pricking at them.

 

I was shocked that my wife was capable of doing it for the 13 months of the affair. I was equally shocked at the continuance of it after Dday, and at how she reveled in how disrespectful the acts were. I don't really know how anyone does these things. I stopped my RA and confessed it before it went physical. I guess I'm just not cut from that cloth.

[QuietDan]

I'll take a stab at your second/third questions.

 

Stats I have seen on reconciliation were measured at 2 years post Dday. In scenarios where the wayward voluntarily disclosed, about 70% remained together. In scenarios where the affair was instead discovered, only 35% remained together and about half of them reported being "happy." I think this is the single most influential factor on reconciliation. A voluntary confession is a fairly clear indicator of true remorse on the part of the wayward. That's the key to the potential for forgiveness in my book.

 

As for stats on how many are discovered, etc., these are notoriously difficult to confirm due to the secrecy of affairs but the best stats I've seen showed that about 25% are confessed, 25% are discovered, and 50% remain unknown to the BS.

 

I might suggest that the 50% remain unknown is probable not entirely accurate. Something is wrong with relationship... not sure what it is... suspicious but have no proof... forcing self to trust, have no definitive hard proof evidence, am I being paranoid.

Just because there are people that don't show up as officially in the discovered or confessed, it still may be that there are significant groups of people that have suspicions... She denies it... I will try to believe the and hope for the best... but...

[Chica80]

I might suggest that the 50% remain unknown is probable not entirely accurate. Something is wrong with relationship... not sure what it is... suspicious but have no proof... forcing self to trust, have no definitive hard proof evidence, am I being paranoid.

Just because there are people that don't show up as officially in the discovered or confessed, it still may be that there are significant groups of people that have suspicions... She denies it... I will try to believe the and hope for the best... but...

 

Ya I've often wondered about this....especially long term A. How does the WS carry that around for so long?

 

How can the BS not suspect. Especially the ones that post 4, 6+ yrs.

 

My own A, 2 yrs and BS no clue? I don't see how.

[wmacbride]

Ya I've often wondered about this....especially long term A. How does the WS carry that around for so long?

 

How can the BS not suspect. Especially the ones that post 4, 6+ yrs.

 

My own A, 2 yrs and BS no clue? I don't see how.

 

When someone trusts you, it doesn't even enter into the real of possibility that you might break that trust. Then there is the popular trick some ws use. If their spouse is suspicious, they are gaslighted and made to feel guilty for ever suspecting their spouse.

[wmacbride]

I was shocked that my wife was capable of doing it for the 13 months of the affair. I was equally shocked at the continuance of it after Dday, and at how she reveled in how disrespectful the acts were. I don't really know how anyone does these things. I stopped my RA and confessed it before it went physical. I guess I'm just not cut from that cloth.

 

True enough.

 

I don't understand how someone can lie for years and years, and even worse, how they can justify it to themselves.

[MountainGirl111]

I think perhaps the first line you'll get from a cheater is denial, denial, denial.

 

One time my sister suspected her husband was cheating on her and when she confronted him about it him didn't react much at all. He didn't deny it. So, she took that as confirmation. But, I told her: "If he really WAS cheating, wouldn't he be more likely to deny it and be defensive?"

 

They usually deny it and downplay it, IMO, as much as possible. Experienced that with and old boyfriend of mine that had another woman on the side while we were dating. I had no idea she even existed until she confronted me and demanded I stop seeing him because I was "stealing" him away from her. I had no knowledge he had another girlfriend, mind you or I probably wouldn't have dated him. But she surfaced...and guess what? When I asked him about her, he downplayed it and said stuff like, "She's just an old flame. She means nothing."

 

Yeah, right....oh the things they'll say to try and appease.

 

She was just an old flame he was banging away at on a regular basis.

[Southwardbound]

Ya I've often wondered about this....especially long term A. How does the WS carry that around for so long?

 

How can the BS not suspect. Especially the ones that post 4, 6+ yrs.

 

My own A, 2 yrs and BS no clue? I don't see how.

 

- Me too! I've often wondered how the BS cannot know her H has partially checked out of the relationship. Surely the BS must see the communication gaps? -even if they are still having 'their few times a month duty sex.' Or, maybe it is- that they don't want to see, cause if they do, then it means they have a problem that has to be addressed that they don't wish to fix?

[Chica80]

- Me too! I've often wondered how the BS cannot know her H has partially checked out of the relationship. Surely the BS must see the communication gaps? -even if they are still having 'their few times a month duty sex.' Or, maybe it is- that they don't want to see, cause if they do, then it means they have a problem that has to be addressed that they don't wish to fix?

 

I would imagine that unless WS is a really good actor or complete narcissist there has to be a shift or change. How could there not be?

 

I could imagine the total trust, as I would have never believed it about MM in my own situation...

 

But I think like one poster said they gaslight or lie when BS asks.

 

I think it might depend on the type of relationship there was pre-A. Don't know....

 

I asked MM once she (wife) has never asked you anything? Never suspected anything, ever?

He said no. That made him feel worse he said.

 

The few interactions I've had with her...I hate it makes me feel sick and hypocritical. I'm not rude but I can't fake being nice either. If we all were in the same place for a social situation I avoided both of them, for the most part. I would think this feels so awful this hr or two but you go hm and do this everyday. How?

 

There was once we were at a friends bday. I sat on one side he in the middle she on the other side....and I thought.....hmmm...ironic isn't it.

[BetrayedH]

- Me too! I've often wondered how the BS cannot know her H has partially checked out of the relationship. Surely the BS must see the communication gaps? -even if they are still having 'their few times a month duty sex.' Or, maybe it is- that they don't want to see, cause if they do, then it means they have a problem that has to be addressed that they don't wish to fix?

 

I once read a study on lying detection. The original intent was to determine if there are any "tells" that are reliable. What they found was that while there really aren't any tells, the most significant determining factor in pulling off a lie has to do with how long the people knew each other. If you knew someone well and for a long time, you could more easily pull off a deception. I think for most married couples (excluding immediately family and perhaps a long-term friendship here or there) the spouse is the most well-known and thus, the most vulnerable to believing a lie. I think that's why so many BSs don't seem to know.

 

I sensed absolutely nothing about my wife's affair, other than increased hours at work which were believable. If anything else changed, it was just that our sex life improved (she felt guilty denying me when she was getting it elsewhere - this helped her justify her infidelity). Otherwise, our home life was perfectly normal (even in hindsight).