Michellew714 Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 tl;dr Me and my boyfriend were having a lovely weekend together and he called me by his exes name. I'm so hurt and can't get past it, what should I do? I met my boyfriend in November, when he had been single for about 8 months after his ex of 2.5 years, Rachel, dumped him. He was really hurt over their break up and tried to get back with her but she wasn't interested. He doesn't talk about her often at all but I know they were in love and she was a big part of his life. By the time he met me he said he was 100% ready to move on, but I've always been insecure about her because I didn't think he had been single for long enough to really be over it. He insisted that he was. The other day we had a huge argument (see my other thread about him treating his ex like a queen) because he used to make loads of effort with Rachel on special occasions, yet with me he doesn't make any at all. This really hurt me because I felt like I was just a low-maintenance substitute for her that he couldn't really be bothered with. I tried my best to get past it and he has been making more effort since we discussed it. This weekend we had a really lovely couple of days together and then we were just sitting and talking and he accidentally referred to me as Rachel (his exes name). I was so shocked and hurt and couldn't believe he had actually said it. The worst part is he didn't even realise. Once I told him he apologised loads and felt awful that I was so upset, but it didn't really make it better. I still feel really sh*tty and like I'm just a nondescript replacement for this girl he loved so much. Then, to top it all off, this morning when we were in bed cuddling he called me a specific nickname he used to call her (and that he's never called me before). I'm at my wits end with the situation and am seriously thinking about ending it - the only issue is that I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him which is making it really hard. I just feel like I'm constantly being hurt in the relationship and I'm tired of living in Rachel's shadow. I have no idea where to go from here. I've suggested a break so I can think things over but I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 You're the rebound. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bbanner Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 . I just feel like I'm constantly being hurt in the relationship and I'm tired of living in Rachel's shadow. I think that says it all. Relationships shouldn't hurt. You should be happy with him. He clearly needs more time and you are the rebound. It's awful that he did that to you. Move on to someone that's ready and will you be happy to be around. Link to post Share on other sites
bbanner Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 Especially since he didn't even realize it. He's with you but thinking about her. Link to post Share on other sites
Life lessons Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 Were you two recently speaking about her or was he recently talking about her? I ask because I have done the same...I have called my husband another mans name, in the past. With my situation, the male name that I called him was due to us discussing this man, in recent conversation because of things that had occurred that day, at my place of employment. (He was my boss and tried to kiss me and I was beyond shaken up and we discussed the situation at length) and I'm assuming that due to our recent conversation, I accidentally called my husband by the other mans name....but it was immediately after sex, with my husband.....thank God my husband was understanding, but he still wasn't pleased with it....I too didn't realize I had said the other mans name, until after my husband caught it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 I wouldn't think anything of it - it's a common kind of slip. After so much time with an ex, patterns of speech develop that can take years to reprogram/replace. Even after 17 years, I sometimes almost call my wife by my ex's name - when she is particularly vexing! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 I think you're making something bigger than it is. happens all the time with me and my ex. and not indicative of something shady. now, if he were moaning her name during sex, that would be problematic 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 I'm firmly in the camp of 'force of habit'. I called my now hubby by my ex's name a number of times. I most certainly wasn't thinking of the ex when I did it....the name just popped out of my mouth. It used to frustrate me no end, but I'm grateful that my hubby just laughed when I did it. I also mix up the names of my daughter, sister and niece when I'm at a party with them all. It doesn't mean anything other than the fact that I should slow down when I talk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 People slip up & call others by the wrong name all the time. Many of my friends get called by the siblings name. I'm an only child & my parents called me by my cousin's name. Your BF made a mistake. That mistake alone shouldn't be a relationship ender. But you said you are constantly being hurt. If this name thing is the straw that broke the camel's back, get out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michellew714 Posted April 17, 2017 Author Share Posted April 17, 2017 Were you two recently speaking about her or was he recently talking about her? I ask because I have done the same...I have called my husband another mans name, in the past. With my situation, the male name that I called him was due to us discussing this man, in recent conversation because of things that had occurred that day, at my place of employment. (He was my boss and tried to kiss me and I was beyond shaken up and we discussed the situation at length) and I'm assuming that due to our recent conversation, I accidentally called my husband by the other mans name....but it was immediately after sex, with my husband.....thank God my husband was understanding, but he still wasn't pleased with it....I too didn't realize I had said the other mans name, until after my husband caught it. No... nobody mentioned her, we were actually having a really lovely weekend and were feeling closer than ever, only for him to open his big mouth and mess it all up. Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 It happened to me, too. I twice called my new gf by my ex-girlfriend's name. It had nothing to do with our relationship, it was simply the force of habit, and the relationship with the new girlfriend lasted much longer. Sometimes old patterns are hard to break. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 I agree that you're the rebound. Can those relationships work? Sure but not always. A lot of times they're just a filler so the person isn't alone while they really get over their ex. But that said, the name thing does happen and it doesn't mean he was thinking about her. Speech patterns happen. But youbdo have other issues in this relationship, so if you put this with them, it's something you really need to consider if you want to be in this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 I just feel like I'm constantly being hurt in the relationship -- What else has been happening to cause you to be hurt? I doubt a name slip up one time would cause you to say something like this. Your feelings about the relationship can't really be all about this. It sounds to me like this particular thing is just a "symptom" of a larger issue for you. It's not about this slip up, it's about something else altogether. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 My parents were married for 40 years when my mother died. My Dad accidentally calls his new wife by my mothers name all the time. I don't think she gets upset but who knows. It happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 I call my dog by my ex name and we split 13 years ago. It's just a trick of the brain. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 You're the rebound. Agree. This sucks. No way on God's green earth that I would be ok with it either. Don't take a break, break up. Take some distance, travel, jog, do some volunteer work at your local shelter. Get outside of yourself and let him have some time to figure out that Rachul (haha) is or is not the golden challis. He is romanticizing what he can't have. Hug. Link to post Share on other sites
Springsummer Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 Agree. This sucks. No way on God's green earth that I would be ok with it either. Don't take a break, break up. Take some distance, travel, jog, do some volunteer work at your local shelter. Get outside of yourself and let him have some time to figure out that Rachul (haha) is or is not the golden challis. He is romanticizing what he can't have. Hug. I concur. In OP's case, it's not just slip. It's the lack of actions that he didn't lack with his ex. Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 An old GF once said her ex's name at a very inopportune moment. Didn't bother me at all, but watching her react as she realized what had happened was very entertaining... ..lol.. OP, absent other information, I don't think this was indicative of what he was thinking at the time at all. It's just one of those small tricks of our minds. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 (edited) As much as I would like to agree WaitingForBardot (Bridgitte?) In the case of this particular OP, it seems that indeed she has been slighted. Good for you that you did not bother with being called by another man's name and are now married happily together. In the two yrs. with my SO, never once have I called him by any other person's name. My two daughters, get pissed, happens all the time. Edited April 17, 2017 by Timshel spelling Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 As much as I would like to agree WaitingForBardot (Bridgette?) In the case of this particular OP, it seems that indeed she has been slighted. Good for you that you did not bother with being called by another man's name and are now married happily together. In the two yrs. with my SO, never once have I called him by any other person's name. My two daughters, get pissed, happens all the time. Yes, Bridgette..., ..lol.. And the perpetrator was actually a previous GF, not my wife. I won't dispute that this might be part of a larger issue between the OP and her boyfriend, but for me, I usually regard this sort of slip as something that happens as opposed to something they did, if that makes any sense. I figure that the brain has some sort of internal representation of SO that is independent of their specific name at any given time. In the past this representation has gone by one name and it currently goes by another. When accessing this representation, especially under duress or excitement or the like, sometimes the wires get a bit crossed and the wrong name just comes out. It's not something that occurs at the conscious level and it doesn't necessarily mean anything more than that. BTW, I've never made that mistake either... ..lol.. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 Really, you do not have to worry unless he calls you that while you're making love. A situation between you may have triggered a similar memory with Rachel, or just force of habit. I mean, I call my dogs by each other's names sometimes or once in a while, a deceased dog's name. It's because they reminded me a little in a good way, not a bad way. Link to post Share on other sites
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