I want to get married he wants to live together

[confusedmandi]

I don't know if this is the right thread for this.. My bf of two years has a teen daughter going to college in the fall. I have two young children in school. I have custody their dad has visitation. Bf loves my kids and treats them well. We have both been married before. His marriage ended when his ex wife cheated and got pregnant with another man's child. So I understand his reluctance to get married again.

 

We both own our own homes. Mine is paid off. He has two mortgages on his. Neither house is really big enough for all three of our kids. When his daughter who lives with him full time goes to college he wants me to move in with him. I don't want to. Honestly because my kids are young I don't want to Live with anyone unless we are married. I've seen too many play house and split up over stupid things and it's too easy to just kick someone out. I don't want to help pay his bills if we aren't married. My house is paid off so I don't need anyone to help me and I don't need to live with anyone to save money. Also I don't want to make my kids change schools unless we made a commitment like marriage. He thinks we should try living together to see if it works before we would get married. I just think that would drag on. Am I too old fashioned or wrong to just want him to want to marry me because he loves me and loves my kids and wants to build a life together? I don't need anyone to take care of me I just want a partner in life. This difference in opinion is causing me to resent him.

[Whodatdog]

Its not a matter of wrong or right, its just different visions. Theres a lot of people who dont want to get married after going thru a divorce. He may not see any reason to get married again.

 

Obviously you will have to get on the same page about this.

[Arieswoman]

Confused,

 

Am I too old fashioned or wrong to just want him to want to marry me because he loves me and loves my kids and wants to build a life together?

 

No, you are neither "old fashioned" or wrong.

What you are is on a different page to your bf.

 

He thinks we should try living together to see if it works before we would get married.

 

I don't like this "try before you buy" mindset. What are you, some kind of a special offer that he can send back if it doesn't work?

 

Marriage has a lot of critics, but having said that if your opinions are so diametrically opposed make sure there isn't others issues going on.

Didn't you have another thread about some sex problems?

 

Either way, don't compromise your views on this until you've done some serious talking.

[d0nnivain]

You two are on different pages. For your kids I would stay in your house. Because he has 2 mortgages plus a kid going to college & you have no mortgage, he has too much debt for me to intertwine my financial future with his. Think with your finances before you do anything.

[central]

The complications here are mostly financial, I think, with your disparities in debt.

 

 

If his daughter is getting financial aid for college, she will (probably) lose some of that if you marry, because of higher household income. You income will also factor into financial aid decisions, as will his when your kids go to college.

 

 

Depending on where you live, you may become liable for his debts if he defaults - you should look into that carefully. Depending on your combined incomes, you may end up paying more income tax or lose certain deductions or credits. In some cases there are implications for pensions or other benefits you may be entitled to from your ex, which will be lost if you remarry.

[BaileyB]

My boyfriend has a teenage son and he has said that he will not sell his home and move in with me because he has to maintain the security for his son, if things were ever to not work out between us.

 

We are talking about moving in together, but it will likely mean that I will move in with him or we will buy another home, together. I can sell my home, but more likely I will lease it for a few years because it is a significant investment for me and I want to protect my best interests.

 

It gets really complicated when you both own a home and there are children involved. You are not wrong in wanting to protect your financial interests and provide a secure home for your children. Good luck to you.

Edited April 17, 2017 by BaileyB

[GunslingerRoland]

It sounds like he is trying to be practical. So maybe show him some of the many studies out there that say if you aren't married (or at least engaged) and you move in together it lowers the chance of success in the relationship more than anything else.

 

If he still doesn't care, then you are at an impasse. Do you think there could be a chance he never wants to remarry?

[Mr. Lucky]

Am I too old fashioned or wrong to just want him to want to marry me because he loves me and loves my kids and wants to build a life together? I don't need anyone to take care of me I just want a partner in life. This difference in opinion is causing me to resent him.

 

What do you think marriage offers him that he isn't getting now?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ronni_W]

I don't want to help pay his bills if we aren't married.

Why would you want to help pay off his old debt if you are married?

 

As an alternative, have you considered him coming to live with you? Why give up a paid-for house to be saddled with a double-mortaged house?

 

<snip> I don't want to Live with anyone unless we are married. <snip> Am I too old fashioned or wrong to just want him to want to marry me because he loves me and loves my kids and wants to build a life together? I don't need anyone to take care of me I just want a partner in life.

When you say 'old fashioned', I assume you mean it in a spiritual/religious sense...marriage as opposed to 'living in sin'(?) If that is the case, this article offers a number of thoughts to make the case for choosing marriage or a marriage-like commitment. (I find the title somewhat misleading; almost entirely skipped reading it.) Still going on that assumption, How to find the 'right' partner for life could also be interesting.

[O'Malley]

Even in a relationship where both partners were on the same page about marriage, I wouldn't advise moving out of a paid for home in with someone who is juggling two mortgages. The well being - emotional and financial - of both your children and yourself is the priority.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I don't know if this is the right thread for this.. My bf of two years has a teen daughter going to college in the fall. I have two young children in school. I have custody their dad has visitation. Bf loves my kids and treats them well. We have both been married before. His marriage ended when his ex wife cheated and got pregnant with another man's child. So I understand his reluctance to get married again.

 

We both own our own homes. Mine is paid off. He has two mortgages on his. Neither house is really big enough for all three of our kids. When his daughter who lives with him full time goes to college he wants me to move in with him. I don't want to. Honestly because my kids are young I don't want to Live with anyone unless we are married. I've seen too many play house and split up over stupid things and it's too easy to just kick someone out. I don't want to help pay his bills if we aren't married. My house is paid off so I don't need anyone to help me and I don't need to live with anyone to save money. Also I don't want to make my kids change schools unless we made a commitment like marriage. He thinks we should try living together to see if it works before we would get married. I just think that would drag on. Am I too old fashioned or wrong to just want him to want to marry me because he loves me and loves my kids and wants to build a life together? I don't need anyone to take care of me I just want a partner in life. This difference in opinion is causing me to resent him.

 

I fully support you and the decisions you are currently making! If I were in your position, I would be questioning as you do AND keeping things as the status quo. No incentive to change. Yay for you!

 

Also, a word of warning....'danger Will Robinson, danger!' Even if he suddenly begins to talk about marriage, think carefully. His sudden talk of marriage may be nothing more than a ruse to get you to move in with him. Frankly, I don't see any compelling reason for you not to stick to the status quo.

 

He has two mortgages on two house too small for the four of you??? Ugh.

[confusedmandi]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I have lived with boyfriends and fiances in the past before I had children. Have never lived with anyone but my ex husband who is their dad since the kids. By old fashioed I don't mean religious reasons I just mean that it seems like the majority of couples cohabitate very quickly these days. We live in bordering states and neither state would his debts become mine if we marry. By pay "his" bills I guess I meant I'd be helping with his mortgage and his utilities etc. Since I don't have a mortgage id be paying more to live with him than to live alone! His house is larger than mine but only three bedrooms and my children would have to share the smalls at room because his daughter would still live there when she's not away at college. My house is smaller than his but I own more land and have a 1400 sqft storage building to store things plus my school district is way better than his. I only have three bedrooms as well and so his daughter would be sleeping OK the couch at my house which isn't fair to her. It's not that I'm desperate to get married. I'm fine with living separately. He's the one that wants me to move in. I know he wants to see me more often but I don't want to disrupt my kids lives to play house with him. I need a serious commitment. In the past I did not live with my ex husband before we got married. But I had a fiance that I lived with for six years and he never married me. I think he just bought me the ring to shut me up. I also lived with a boyfriend after college for nine months. That didn't work out either. One gets comfortable with just living together and has no reason to change that and get married. I don't need anyone to take care of me. I have a good job and I worked hard to pay my house off. That should be attractive to my bf.

[Gr8fuln2020]

But I had a fiance that I lived with for six years and he never married me. I think he just bought me the ring to shut me up. I also lived with a boyfriend after college for nine months. That didn't work out either. One gets comfortable with just living together and has no reason to change that and get married. I don't need anyone to take care of me. I have a good job and I worked hard to pay my house off. That should be attractive to my bf.

 

Ack. No way do you want a repeat of these types of nonsense and your bf should understand where you're coming from, if not, make him and hold fast.

[NTV]

Do you mind clarifying a couple things for me?

 

You both have been married and divorced before, I don't necessarily see how a second go round is you two are building a life together. It's my impression from my own marriage that being married actually makes that harder. I.e. easier to get resentment building because things are dealt with etc.

 

The second thing you brought up is that your ex husband only has your kids for limited time (sounded like just the weekend? ) is that by his choice or is possible for that to change? I ask because if I were a single guy dating a divorced mom and considering either marriage or moving in together, then I would want more time alone with the woman. Not that I couldn't care or even grow to love the kids like my own but the relationship I'd be working to build would be with her and the kids only through her.

 

Now keep in mind I don't know your ex, so if he's some convicted serial killer ignore that part. Lol

[SevenCity]

Confused,

 

 

 

No, you are neither "old fashioned" or wrong.

What you are is on a different page to your bf.

 

 

 

I don't like this "try before you buy" mindset. What are you, some kind of a special offer that he can send back if it doesn't work?

Marriage has a lot of critics, but having said that if your opinions are so diametrically opposed make sure there isn't others issues going on.

Didn't you have another thread about some sex problems?

 

Either way, don't compromise your views on this until you've done some serious talking.

 

I struggle with this. People (women) act like marriage means you are together forever. Have you looked at the divorce rate????

 

I agree that people can leave easier if not married, but isn't that a good thing? I look at it better than staying with someone you prefer not to just because you are married. Or worse, getting a divorce.

 

Also, the OP has much more to lose financially than her BF. In a similar position I can imagine a guy having difficulty marrying someone with bad finances.

 

Living together first to me is important. You don't know who someone REALLY is until you've lived with them.

 

But I agree, people will tend to stick it out longer if they are married.

[Gemma1]

I don't understand this at all. His daughter moves away in the fall. Why are you guys even considering moving in together before this? You've been together two years, what is the issue with waiting another 4 months? His daughter won't have to crash on the couch if you just wait a few months.

 

Wait till his daughter moves, then he should move in with you and rent out his house that he has two (!!!) mortgages on or sell it. You have a PAID OFF house. Seriously. Read that again. And ask yourself why he is really asking you to move in with him. I bet he would enjoy some help paying off his mortgageS, hmm?

 

I'm not saying he doesn't also want you to move in for good reasons, I'm sure he does love you. But I wouldn't do it. If he wants to live together so badly, he can move into your house when his daughter leaves. It doesn't make any sense to uproot two babies from their schools and home, leaving a paid off house with land in a good school district, to move in with a man who doesn't want to marry you in order to help pay off his mortgages. That's just crazy talk.

[preraph]

Just tell him no, that you don't want to set that example for the kids or uproot them when it might not last, so you need a commitment.

[Miss Peach]

I don't have any objections to living with someone prior to marriage. I've done it before. In your situation OP, with children involved and a paid off house I wouldn't uproot everyone to live with a man who didn't want to get married or at least engaged. I also wouldn't consider selling my paid off house though I might consider renting it out and getting a third house. But I would have issues still making kids change schools, etc. especially when he doesn't have the same issues coming from his side with the kids being much older.

 

If you want to try living together is there some sort of reason he can't move in with you after his daughter leaves for college? Especially since all his kids are grown and will likely rarely be home? He could always rent out his house or do other things to make things work on his end.

Edited April 26, 2017 by Miss Peach

[Heathen]

The woman I am with wants to get married. I didn't even want a relationship, just some time to be a heathen. However along comes a flower and the world changes. She also owns her house and I am building mine from scratch. She offered to sell hers to help finance the construction and speed things along, but that is a huge commitment and I am not comfortable with putting myself in that position.

 

However I am seriously considering buying the ring. Don't think I can let this one go. If we say "I do" then that changes everything.

 

The same should go for you IMO. If you are not comfortable, then don't sell your house. Find another way, or wait until there is a forever man.

[Chilli]

l'm just happy to see somebody actually thinking about their kids and the effect on them of affair after affair being in their faces after they're already trying to cope with broken families.

Often even in the thread even in replies no one even mentions the kids in all this.

But you've got your head screwed on for your family, good on ya l wanna give you a hug.

 

But l dunno , his financial side, not having a dig here but just saying , but women often forget that the ex wives in divorce usually get the house and alimony and half the time he has to pay off the damn house for her too. So him starting over is quite a different matter usually and without knowing what his financial set up is with his ex, it's usually a far far different situation for the husband. lt's taken me 4 yrs to get another house and l'm completely starting from scratch again after my divorce.

Just saying you know , he might be in that situation so don't be too hard on him.

 

The living together thing yeah , l love the way your thinking of your kids . l wish more people would bloody do that before they leap in , really do.

Not big on the try before you buy thing either but at the same time , second marriage, dunno, l think l'd need to now. myself too tbh.

Maybe you guys could just keep going as is for a bit longer , give it some time. If your really in love it'll probably work itself out down the track.

 

Good luck.

Edited May 4, 2017 by Chilli