My wife cheated on me

[BrokenMan87]

I'm 30 and my wife is 29. We've been together for 12 years and married for 5. We have 4 children. I found out on March 3rd that she has been cheating on me with a man 10 years older than me. He makes more money than I, owns his own business and has no children and never been married. He is a bachelor and enjoys flinging his money around to catch unsuspecting women. He has spent well over 10,000.00 on my wife in the last 6 months.

 

On March 3rd the man himself messaged me saying that I needed to control my wife. That he had a 6-month fling with her. He tried to end it with her but she keeps messaging him so he is telling me. He sent me texts of him telling my wife at least 20 times to leave him alone, and that the next step would be him getting a restraining order and possibly sue her for harassment.

 

I confronted my wife and she told me she was sorry. That he manipulated her. He bought her love with gifts and a month ago bought her a ring and told her that she deserved better and she believed it. That night I took our kids and went to my parents. I didn't hear from my wife for a week before she begged me to bring the kids back.

 

We currently are living like roommates. I had contacted a lawyer to learn my rights. My wife has been attending counselling and been telling me she wants to save our marriage. I'm not sure what the hell I want.

[GoldenR]

I know that everything is blurry right now, but you need to face the facts, and decide what you can live with.

 

Fact: She only stopped with him bc he broke it off with her. And even then she wouldn't take no for an answer.

 

Fact: She didn't confess to you,more than likely bc she was trying to restart the affair.

 

Fact: It took her a week to realize she wanted you. What really happened is that reality hit her and she realized that her security blanket was about to be gone as well as her first choice. You, sir, are her backup plan.

 

And lastly,,manipulated schmanipulated.....she's grown, married and has kids. She knew what she was doing. She was willing. And she'd still be doing it if the OM didn't tire of her.

 

Can you live with her, be married to her, knowing all this? And if so, she will only know one thing: that she can do this to you and to won't leave her.

[Expectmore]

I have been dealing with the same thing.

A year ago for me and let me tell you they never check back in completely. My wife continued to hold secrets and have communication off and on with the other man. After repeatedly being caught every few months talking or messaging with him I know she will never have my trust again and you can't live a normal life having to watch her every move.

This is a DealBreaker for me. She also wants to fix it but you can never let this kind of thing go. It will drive you mad every time she is out on her own.

I say get some support and tactically go your own way.

Good luck... Its not easy..

[lolablue17]

Your real problem is that you have to deal with 2 problems.

1. actual cheating, anger, frustration, and all other hard feelings regarding to that.

2. You've came to realize your wife's true character.

 

The first problem may be getting better after some time and efforts. The second one is much harder to deal with, because people rarely change their character. It's not only the lying and cheating. It's the fact that she can be easily tempted after money, that she was obsessive with her lover after he ended it, and kept harassing him. The fact that her willing to reconcile came as a logical decision, only after she realized she has no other options, while being 100% selfish, thinking only about herself, and not giving even 1% thought about how you feel.

 

While we understand that character does not go away, we can make a reasonable conclusion: She will probably do it again and again. It's not a 100% sure outcome, but it's the most reasonable one. Denying will only make you suffer in the future.

 

I believe she'd had more affairs in the past.

Edited April 17, 2017 by lolablue17

[Friskyone4u]

If you read books on infidelity, starting with "Not Just Friends", you will find that the percentage of successful reconciliation when women cheat is much lower than when it is the other way around.

 

Most cheaters have no intention of leaving their partners. They think they will not get caught. But men most often enter affairs primarily for sex and when that stops they let it go. But women more often than not become emotionally checked out of the marriage and emotionally involved with OM and you will read on this forum and most others how often they break NC and restart affairs or cheat again. Especially if when caught they resist doing the right things like totally coming clean and a whole bunch of other things. Your wife of course wants to stay married. She got dumped or she would be still at it.

 

Now you can do the usual and go to some therapist for physcho babble about why she did it and what you did wrong in the marriage. But if you can accept she did it because it was fun, she wanted to, and she liked it, you are facing the truth and making an informed decision.

 

I suggest before you consider any reconciliation you demand, not ask for a written timeline from start to finish, and after you get that tell her she is taking a polygraph test to prove two things

(1) that this was her only affair

(2) that she is not still in contact with him or anyone else on social media that you are not aware of.

 

Right now, if you assume she is telling you the truth about anything you are making a big mistake. The burden is on her, not you to prove she is worthy.

 

I would also caution you to also ignore the advice to immediately send her to IC. If you do that, you are not privy to what she is telling the therapist, and you will be amazed at how many of them tell the WW to not tell you all the details and truth you ask for, or even tell them that they were in some ways justified to cheat.

[WilyWill]

It is very hard to face, but you are her "plan B". Things with the other man didn't work out despite her desperate, pathetic pursuit of him. She probably continued this pursuit while you were away with the kids for that week, not giving a care about your broken heart or the kids' welfare.

 

Finally, when she accepted that "plan A" was not viable, she came to you and turned on the manipulation to see if she could get her old lifestyle back. She had to settle for you this time around, but who knows how it will turn out when she spots another Romeo?

 

Yes, you've got kids together and this will be tough on them, but I don't think there's anything left to salvage of your marriage. If you plan to stay together for the sake of the kids, make sure she signs a prenuptial agreement that is heavily in your favor in the event of her next affair (i.e., most assets go to you, favorable custody agreement).

 

If it matters to you, you should consider doing a DNA test on your children to see which ones are really yours.

 

It's not your wife who deserves better, it's you.

Edited April 17, 2017 by WilyWill

[NTV]

A journal helped me the most when I found out my wife had cheated. Writing things out definitely helps filter bull****. Stuff like 'he flung his money around and she just couldn't help herself.'

 

If that's true then it's only a matter of time until the next rich asshat comes along. If she's helpless before this guy then she's helpless before other dudes too. If she isn't responsible for her cheating then she's already lost.

 

Personally I didn't agree to try reconciliation with my wife until she had signed a postnup. I'm not risking paying alimony and giving her a greater share of the retirement I worked hard for just to see our marriage fail. My wife was willing to give up those things to stay. Would yours?

[Spring23]

I'm 30 and my wife is 29. We've been together for 12 years and married for 5. We have 4 children. I found out on March 3rd that she has been cheating on me with a man 10 years older than me. He makes more money than I, owns his own business and has no children and never been married. He is a bachelor and enjoys flinging his money around to catch unsuspecting women. He has spent well over 10,000.00 on my wife in the last 6 months.

 

On March 3rd the man himself messaged me saying that I needed to control my wife. That he had a 6-month fling with her. He tried to end it with her but she keeps messaging him so he is telling me. He sent me texts of him telling my wife at least 20 times to leave him alone, and that the next step would be him getting a restraining order and possibly sue her for harassment.

 

I confronted my wife and she told me she was sorry. That he manipulated her. He bought her love with gifts and a month ago bought her a ring and told her that she deserved better and she believed it. That night I took our kids and went to my parents. I didn't hear from my wife for a week before she begged me to bring the kids back.

 

We currently are living like roommates. I had contacted a lawyer to learn my rights. My wife has been attending counselling and been telling me she wants to save our marriage. I'm not sure what the hell I want.

 

If your wife is 29 and she has been with you for 12 years this means she committed to being with you at 17. That isn't a good age to pick a lifetime partner in this culture. And at 29 she has already given birth to 4 children.

 

She became obsessed with the other guy like a teenager because she really hasn't had a chance to be a teenager. I know that sounds difficult to hear but it's probably true.

 

I would suggest a trial separation where both of you can date other people. Yes, this might end in divorce. Only time can tell.

[Simple Logic]

I'm 30 and my wife is 29. We've been together for 12 years and married for 5. We have 4 children. I found out on March 3rd that she has been cheating on me with a man 10 years older than me. He makes more money than I, owns his own business and has no children and never been married. He is a bachelor and enjoys flinging his money around to catch unsuspecting women. He has spent well over 10,000.00 on my wife in the last 6 months.

 

On March 3rd the man himself messaged me saying that I needed to control my wife. That he had a 6-month fling with her. He tried to end it with her but she keeps messaging him so he is telling me. He sent me texts of him telling my wife at least 20 times to leave him alone, and that the next step would be him getting a restraining order and possibly sue her for harassment.

 

I confronted my wife and she told me she was sorry. That he manipulated her. He bought her love with gifts and a month ago bought her a ring and told her that she deserved better and she believed it. That night I took our kids and went to my parents. I didn't hear from my wife for a week before she begged me to bring the kids back.

 

We currently are living like roommates. I had contacted a lawyer to learn my rights. My wife has been attending counselling and been telling me she wants to save our marriage. I'm not sure what the hell I want.

 

None of us can tell you what you should want. Your choices are clear though. You can divorce, you can live together like roomies to finish raising the kids, or you can try to save the marriage. The only choice that has a certain result of success is a divorce. The out come of the other two options are very uncertain. Are you willing to deal with uncertainty

[magnesium]

Whatever your wife tells you...you can assume it's MUCH worse (like 100 times) than it actually is.

 

She will trickle-truth little details that seem better to tell you than the actual reality of the affair. This is because she is still trying to manipulate you while at the same time trying to save her pride and ego.

 

She is desperate. She lost her sugar-daddy, and now she doesn't want to lose you (her meal ticket and workhorse donkey).

 

I apologise for I am not actually insulting you when I said "workhorse donkey," I just want you to understand how your wife views you in relation to her selfish needs. Her actions have proven that.

 

You are an innocent guy who is doing right by everyone.

[Krtk]

Dude seriously saving marriage is different but save yourself, even hookers have some self respect no offense though getting into him like 20 times without confessing now she's sorry wants to save marriage is bs.she wants you until she gets another man who can provide her and shower her with goods. See how the om throwing it onto your face. But kids are a real concern in this mess. How are you financially how is your stability.

[aliveagain]

Tough finding out about your wife's infidelity from the other man and that she is the one that is the pursuer. He dumped her because he got all he wanted from her and is now bored with her after 6 months. Not many single guys with money want her baggage, 4 children is a lot for a player to take on.

 

Book a polygraph and tell her when and only after you have all the truth decide if she deserves a second chance. Had her boyfriend not tipped you off she'd still be at it. Do not settle for being her fall back guy. She was trying to trade you in for a richer model, maybe you need to upgrade, she doesn't sound like the one for you long term.

[QuietDan]

I doubt she has emotionally detached from this long term affair physical and emotional affair. I suspect she would run to him any time he gets into the mood to test to see if he can still get her to do "ANYTHING" he wants. It is very apparent, other man is who she loyal to and who she wants and desires at pretty much any price he is iterested in paying.

[RecentChange]

As a woman that has cheated and was so lucky to have a husband that was willing to reconcile - I don't see how a marriage could recover from this.

 

She didn't break it off he did

She thought she could do better than you

She didn't talk to you for a week then asked about the kids? She should have been at your feet groveling for forgiveness at that time.

[oldshirt]

You are both young and able to move on.

 

Let him file harassment and restraining order etc on her.

 

You may need to do the same at some point.

[harrybrown]

Go see your attorney.

 

Your marriage is over.

 

have her leave you and the kids.

 

What did she do for a week without her family? How many OMs did she see?

[Cephalopod]

Move on. File for divorce and get on with your life. Your wife has checked out of the marriage.

[BrokenMan87]

I have decided to contact a lawyer as soon as possible to find out my rights. I don't want to be anyone's plan B. Thanks for the kick I needed to get into gear.

[Friskyone4u]

I have decided to contact a lawyer as soon as possible to find out my rights. I don't want to be anyone's plan B. Thanks for the kick I needed to get into gear.

 

Good for you. Now STAY in gear and no reverse.

[oldshirt]

I have decided to contact a lawyer as soon as possible to find out my rights. I don't want to be anyone's plan B. Thanks for the kick I needed to get into gear.

 

That is wise.

[GoldenR]

Good decision!

 

Please keep posting here as there is a ton on knowledge available to you from many regulars here.

[Bufo]

I have read many (too many, actually) threads here. But I have never seen the OM contact the BH and tell him to control his WW. There's an unmistakable message there: WW is not a candidate for R now. Unless you hit the Lotto you'll never meet her standards.

 

Lawyer up. Find out what divorce involves and what post-divorce life would be like. Batten down the hatches as money is the major driver in her life. Don't plan on the near-mythic amicable divorce. Find out how to separate finances and avoid liability for future debts.

[QuietDan]

I have read many (too many, actually) threads here. But I have never seen the OM contact the BH and tell him to control his WW. There's an unmistakable message there: WW is not a candidate for R now. Unless you hit the Lotto you'll never meet her standards.

 

Lawyer up. Find out what divorce involves and what post-divorce life would be like. Batten down the hatches as money is the major driver in her life. Don't plan on the near-mythic amicable divorce. Find out how to separate finances and avoid liability for future debts.

 

The OM contacting the BH to tell him to control his WW. This is one of the few, few, few times that I have seen that as well. To a certain extent, it was a fairly cruel and twisted thing to do by the OM.

I am thinking the BS should tell the OM that since the OM paid for her, she is his problem now.

Isn't there some legal grounds for BS's suing a WW's Affair Partner for alienation of affection.

[Mr. Lucky]

Isn't there some legal grounds for BS's suing a WW's Affair Partner for alienation of affection.

 

Looks like it's allowed in 7 states:

 

"They're known as "alienation of affection" suits, when an "outsider" interferes in a marriage. The suits are allowed in seven states: Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota and Utah."

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

Your wife clearly was infatuated and didn't get the message, because men unlike women, don't tend to tell another man that he's been fuc***g his wife.

 

She became obsessed with him and pushed him to send you the message. That must have been rather embarrassing.

 

I often wonder about relationships where the couple got together very young. They often tend to think they've missed out on the fun part of life and experiencing more than one partner.

 

I think divorce is the better option for you. It took her a whole week to come and ask to see the kids, so she wasn't that bothered about you.