My wife cheated on me

[Buckeye2]

Unfortunately no court will force a woman to have an in-utero paternity test.

 

You are correct but there is a test that only requires the mother's blood. You don't get near the baby. It just so happens that ten weeks is the point where that can do the test.

 

The discovery of the presence of fetal cells in maternal blood has offered new approaches to non-invasive prenatal diagnosis. By analyzing DNA profiles based on sets of specific markers, the laboratory is able to compare a fetal DNA profile with genetic DNA profiles of the mother and alleged fathers.

[BetrayedH]

You are correct but there is a test that only requires the mother's blood. You don't get near the baby. It just so happens that ten weeks is the point where that can do the test.

 

The discovery of the presence of fetal cells in maternal blood has offered new approaches to non-invasive prenatal diagnosis. By analyzing DNA profiles based on sets of specific markers, the laboratory is able to compare a fetal DNA profile with genetic DNA profiles of the mother and alleged fathers.

 

Yep, and if the mother refuses to establish paternity before the birth, it would further steel my resolve because it's just a gamesmanship maneuver for her.

[Bufo]

You need to see a lawyer. While the information about prenatal testing for paternity is interesting it doesn't mean anything if the law of your state doesn't recognize it in court.

 

Also as others have said you cannot force a paternity test outside of a legal action.

 

Third you need to learn how a spouse fights paternity when the conception occurred during the marriage

 

Drop the ball and you are looking at 18 years of child support. Play it smart with the brain and not with the heart.

[BrokenMan87]

You need to see a lawyer. While the information about prenatal testing for paternity is interesting it doesn't mean anything if the law of your state doesn't recognize it in court.

 

Also as others have said you cannot force a paternity test outside of a legal action.

 

Third you need to learn how a spouse fights paternity when the conception occurred during the marriage

 

Drop the ball and you are looking at 18 years of child support. Play it smart with the brain and not with the heart.

 

I have seen a lawyer. My wife and I had come to an agreement for child custody. Knowing my luck wasn't in my favor. I agreed to 50-50 physical and legal custody. (Monday, Tuesday, and every other weekend and her Wednesday, Thursday and every other weekend), shared holidays, 2 weeks in July, 2 weeks in August (it doesn't start until next month) Daycare is 50-50 (any changes from what we have right now has to be agreed upon, and signed, otherwise the parent who changes it will have to cover the difference), I have them on my health insurance and I pay, 400.00 a month in child support. Our assets are split. SO were waiting on a judge to sign off on it. WE won't be legally divorced because of the unborn baby, but all our assets will be taken care of, so any debts, etc we acquire will be on us to figure out.

 

When the baby is born I'll request a DNA test because as we are married I'll automatically be the father. So if I'm the father another hearing will take place regarding custody for the baby. If I'm not the father, I have no legal/financial rights to the child. My wife has finally admitted that it's really a 50-50 chance I'm the father. So it's a matter of waiting.

[hammyy2k]

wow, just wow, the biggest iroy is you raising the illegetimate child and paying for his support

 

and for all her promiscuity and getting pregnant, it will be her who will eventually get benefit of all of this

 

this is beyond pathetic

 

i hope you were not sole earner of the family and she contributed something monetarily otherwise, you have everything to lose here.

 

you didnt deserve all of this i believe.

[BrokenMan87]

wow, just wow, the biggest iroy is you raising the illegetimate child and paying for his support

 

and for all her promiscuity and getting pregnant, it will be her who will eventually get benefit of all of this

 

this is beyond pathetic

 

i hope you were not sole earner of the family and she contributed something monetarily otherwise, you have everything to lose here.

 

you didnt deserve all of this i believe.

 

I was the main breadwinner. We came to an agreement that while not all I wanted, it's fair. As for the unborn baby. Unless it's mine I don't have to pay anything for it. I have a lawyer, and nothing can be done until he/she is born.

[sandylee1]

If the baby turns out to be yours, please love him/her as much as your other children.

 

I know you don't want it to be yours and I understand that, but it will actually be better for your existing children if the baby is yours.

 

You sound like a really good hands on dad I must say. Especially as you became a dad at a young age. You have a lot of maturity in you.

[Superchicken]

This is a good outcome so far.

I really hope the child is how you want it to be (Yours or not).

You have a good path to start on, and good luck for the future.

 

 

Ted.

[BetrayedH]

I think you did alright. You fought for 50/50 custody and got it. I did the same. I have my kids Th/Fr/Sa while the exwife has them Su/Mo/Tu and we alternate the Wednesdays. It gives the kids 3-4 days with each parent. More importantly, it gives me my opportunity to be an influence and parent.

 

The whole breadwinner thing always turns out to be such a curse in a divorce. You will come to resent those $400 payments and carrying the insurance premiums but there was really nothing to be done. You fought the battle you could win and won it.

 

It sounds risky to me that you'll automatically be listed as the father since you'll still be married when this child is born. Lots of guys have been screwed for life this way, forced to support a child that isn't theirs. But it sounds like you've had full discussions with your attorney and have a handle on it.

 

My overall view is, again, that you did alright. And the big bonus is that you're now on the way to living your second life. It's what you make of it. Making this kind of break was what really started my healing. I started looking forward to where I would go with my life, rather than having my eyes constantly in the rearview mirror and looking at the devastation from my wife's affair.

 

It'll take a while before you're feeling healthy again but you're on your way. Nowhere to go but up.

[BrokenMan87]

The whole breadwinner thing always turns out to be such a curse in a divorce. You will come to resent those $400 payments and carrying the insurance premiums but there was really nothing to be done. You fought the battle you could win and won it.

 

It sounds risky to me that you'll automatically be listed as the father since you'll still be married when this child is born. Lots of guys have been screwed for life this way, forced to support a child that isn't theirs. But it sounds like you've had full discussions with your attorney and have a handle on it.

 

If my wife never moved in the felon, I'd be having every other weekend with a few nights a week for visitation, and paying a lot more than $400.00 a month in child support. So while it sucks, to have to pay her anything, this is really the win-win situation. Even with temporary custody right now, the original judge we had is super bias against women. The lawyer had mentioned a case six months back, where the father had primary custody for two years because the mother had a drug addiction. Then she came and asked for primary custody, and this particular judge gave it to her. So this is why I've accepted the 50-50 custody. But I'll keep an eye on her, and the moment she does something stupid I'll take her back to court again.

 

As for the wife having a child with a different man during a marriage. Most men who wife has a child that isn't theirs and they have to support him/her for 18 years, are the ones who never thought the child was there in the first place. After so many years, if a father doesn't dispute the paternity, they become the child's legal father regardless. They say to wait until you're married to have kids. I sometimes think it's better for a man to have a child out of wedlock. I agree the whole assumption of being the father when married is scary.

[drifter777]

As for the wife having a child with a different man during a marriage. Most men who wife has a child that isn't theirs and they have to support him/her for 18 years, are the ones who never thought the child was there in the first place. After so many years, if a father doesn't dispute the paternity, they become the child's legal father regardless. They say to wait until you're married to have kids. I sometimes think it's better for a man to have a child out of wedlock. I agree the whole assumption of being the father when married is scary.

 

If I was in your shoes and the baby wasn't mine I'd have no paternal feelings for it so, in effect, it wouldn't mean anything to me. Until I knew one way or the other, I wouldn't speak to my STBXW about the child or attend any of the many medical events associated with her pregnancy.

 

I hope for your sake it's not yours. I think that would be helpful to you as you detach from WW. Seeing her with someone else's child would be a continual reminder of her betrayal.

 

I'm not lobbying for you to go one way or the other, I'm just giving you my perspective.

[BetrayedH]

If my wife never moved in the felon, I'd be having every other weekend with a few nights a week for visitation, and paying a lot more than $400.00 a month in child support. So while it sucks, to have to pay her anything, this is really the win-win situation. Even with temporary custody right now, the original judge we had is super bias against women. The lawyer had mentioned a case six months back, where the father had primary custody for two years because the mother had a drug addiction. Then she came and asked for primary custody, and this particular judge gave it to her. So this is why I've accepted the 50-50 custody. But I'll keep an eye on her, and the moment she does something stupid I'll take her back to court again.

 

As for the wife having a child with a different man during a marriage. Most men who wife has a child that isn't theirs and they have to support him/her for 18 years, are the ones who never thought the child was there in the first place. After so many years, if a father doesn't dispute the paternity, they become the child's legal father regardless. They say to wait until you're married to have kids. I sometimes think it's better for a man to have a child out of wedlock. I agree the whole assumption of being the father when married is scary.

 

I am curious how you are holding up emotionally. You seem very matter-of-fact. Personally, I was in a much better place when things like this were really in motion. I was still stressful, no doubt. But I was on my way to my second life without the insanity of being with a wayward wife.

 

Still, it took me until two years post-divorce to feel normal again. And even that was a very new normal.

 

Hope it's going well. It does get better.

[Jersey born raised]

I've often urged BS who feel unable to raise to the occasion dealing with a WS to make sure they get a good attorney and use them as a shield. I read a post where BH went "ghost" on the WS. All the communication was though the attorney. First time WS saw BS was post divorce.

 

It will add to the expense of your divorce but if the going gets to rough, tell her I think my attorney should discuss this with you. If challenged by her for this say, there is a reason why we are hear and it is part of his job to settle it and walk away.

[BrokenMan87]

Contact with my wife is to a limit. I'm emotionally distancing myself while keeping the conversation about the kids, and remaining civil for their sake. My wife did me wrong, but we still have children together and I'll be seeing her at major events in their life so I rather just keep things as drama free as possible. As for those asking how I'm handling things emotionally. I'm pretty numb. I'm keeping myself busy working, taking care of my kids, playing online games, etc. If I sit and think too much, I start feeling really down in the dumps because I very much still miss my wife as much as she had hurt me.

[Jersey born raised]

Your feelings are normal and will linger. You need to get involved with good people and stay invovled with them. A good IC even seen on a monthly basis will keep you grounded. Avoid pain shopping, which includes spending time with WW.

[BetrayedH]

Contact with my wife is to a limit. I'm emotionally distancing myself while keeping the conversation about the kids, and remaining civil for their sake. My wife did me wrong, but we still have children together and I'll be seeing her at major events in their life so I rather just keep things as drama free as possible. As for those asking how I'm handling things emotionally. I'm pretty numb. I'm keeping myself busy working, taking care of my kids, playing online games, etc. If I sit and think too much, I start feeling really down in the dumps because I very much still miss my wife as much as she had hurt me.

 

I still felt that I loved my wife for a good while, too. But time and detachment definitely changed that. Eventually I began to see her for who she really was, rather than who I wished her to be. I now have a genuine dislike for her and find it rather remarkable what I tolerated for such a long period. I had simply discounted and forgiven so many of her flaws. But the reality is that she's an incredibly selfish, self-entitled, and self-absorbed person. I am quite the opposite. I'm probably a bit too much of an empath, which probably suited her quite well.

 

Anyway, I think detaching is wise. My interactions with my ex are almost business-like. We will converse mostly by email to reconcile shared expenses, plan any exceptions to the normal scheduling routine, etc. If something has a sense of urgency, we'll text. Phone calls are very rare (which is awesome). And the only time I see her in person is once a week at drop-off in her driveway. Conversations there are minimal (since we handle all of our business via email/text) and simply cordial for the sake of the kids. And I'll see her at extracurricular functions from time to time but always sit separately. Again, we're cordial if we need to interact.

 

I'd rather not interact with her at all, for life. But my youngest still has 7 years before college and even after that they just start getting married and having kids. It will never really end.

 

I did a lot of research on what was best for kids. Put simply, they heal faster when there's no one particular parent perceived to be at fault. When there is, they feel a need to intervene and fix the broken parent. Then they blame themselves when it doesn't work and they already have a tendency to self-blame. So, I don't do any bad-mouthing of her. She is good about that, too, although I can't say the same for her parents. Fortunately, that doesn't go over well with the kids so the in-laws do themselves a disservice. Kids also closely associate their own self-worth with their parents. If you insult their parent(s), you'll see them put their own head down in shame. It's yet another reason not to bad-mouth the other parent.

 

Anyway, I'm rambling. Hopefully something in there is helpful.

Edited July 18, 2017 by BetrayedH

[BrokenMan87]

The agreement was signed. After a judge signs off on it which should be sometime this week, it'll start in August. I'll get July 30 to August 13 for vacation, and she'll get August 13 at 4pm to August 27 at 4pm. Then our 50-50 schedule will begin. I'll get Monday, Tuesday, and every second weekend (the first weekend will be mine) She'll get Wednesday, Thursday and every second weekend. It sucks but it's really the best outcome.

[l8estnews]

Well, the sad part is that how the Rich OM is untouched. He got what he wants from her and he even ruined her family. rawr.

[BrokenMan87]

Well, the sad part is that how the Rich OM is untouched. He got what he wants from her and he even ruined her family. rawr.

 

No, my wife ruined her own family. If it wasn't for him as much as I think he is a piece of ****, my wife would still be running around sleeping around. I'd very possibly getting prepared to raise another man's baby. Him revealing her dirty laundry was a blessing in disguise. I also believe karma will come his way eventually.

[BrokenMan87]

She told me today that she wanted me to be the father because I had money. I told her yeah, it wouldn't be too great for her if the felon, the unemployed bum was the father. He can't even take care of himself. She sighed and said that it didn't have to come to this. I stopped talking to her after that. She is so incredibly delusional.

Edited July 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[QuietDan]

She told me today that she wanted me to be the father because I had money. I told her yeah, it wouldn't be too great for her if the felon, the unemployed bum was the father. He can't even take care of himself. She sighed and said that it didn't have to come to this. I stopped talking to her after that. She is so incredibly delusional.

 

Unprotected sex with other men...

Obviously, they are engaged in high risk behavior for acquiring STD's. High risk pool.

Putting your health at risk.

Edited July 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BetrayedH]

It didn't have to come to this?

 

It's been in her hands the entire time.

 

Dude, my wife tells herself the same crazy crap to deflect the blame away to anyone but herself. Some people are just delusional, even with themselves.

 

You'll be in a better place when you no longer care and you leave her to her own insanity.

[WilyWill]

She sighed and said that it didn't have to come to this.

 

LOL. Then why on earth did she bring it to this? What good was supposed to come by sleeping with a man and then pathetically throwing yourself at him?

[Oberfeldwebel]

I was the main breadwinner. We came to an agreement that while not all I wanted, it's fair. As for the unborn baby. Unless it's mine I don't have to pay anything for it. I have a lawyer, and nothing can be done until he/she is born.

 

Sorry man, this is messed up.

[BrokenMan87]

My holidays with the kids started. Tomorrow we are heading to Disney land for a few days, then up to my parents for a few days. Then I'll have to go back to work.

 

I guess the last two days have been really rough. Just last summer we were an intact family. We had gone on vacation across three states, stopped at many different campsites, spent three days in New York City, and many different places. It was fun. I guess I'm feeling down. I miss my wife and I miss my family. Taking four kids on vacation without my wife doesn't feel the same. But there is no going back. My brain knows it's over but my heart still needs to accept she isn't the woman I thought she was.