My wife cheated on me

[Superchicken]

I agree with many.

3 things you should do.

 

 

1 - Get out.

2 - Get out

3 - You guessed it..

 

 

You can perfectly love your children without your wife in your life..

They will grow up like millions of other kids with divorced parents (Normal).

Any issues they may have now, will iron themselves out, like going to new school for them.

Rumpled my feathers when you said she loved you and wanted you.

What absolute horses fertilizer...

 

 

Ted.

[Southern Sun]

I'll be a dissenting voice here.

 

She had an affair. It's disgusting and disrespectful and just so terribly wrong. That in itself may be a deal-breaker for you.

 

But if it's not, this doesn't have to be the end. You have FOUR CHILDREN. Yes, you could divorce and likely find someone else who will love you, perhaps help you raise your children. But if your wife has been generally good and loving and this is very out of character, perhaps you can give this some time.

 

You found out about her affair at the height of her emotions. I am guessing this was a high-limerence situation, and the man was probably very charming, swept her off her feet, all that crap. Absolutely no excuse and I don't buy the manipulation stuff. But she probably really fell for it because of the romantic feelings. She's been with you since she was very young, she's been making baby after baby, and along comes prince charming. This was probably a huge escape.

 

None of this excuses her actions. Please don't misunderstand. I am pointing all of this out because people post on here that if she's not begging your forgiveness your marriage is over. I am just telling you that she is no emotional position to do that right now. It would be disingenuous for her to do so. She has lost her mind in a sense and reality has not hit her yet. But give her some time and she will realize what an utter blind idiot she was. Believe me.

 

You have choices right now. You can do what people suggest here and be done. Wash your hands of her. Or, you can draw a different kind of line. You can set up boundaries, you can even separate if you need to. Wait this out. You'll know what you need from her in order to feel safe again, if you can. But unless the cheating itself is an automatic deal-breaker, I don't recommend making a decision to divorce based on her behavior NOW. Her behavior is a natural consequence of her cheating. She is going to have emotions and after-effects. If you want to see if you can make it, give it some time. But don't be a "Nice Guy." I would lay down some hard and fast rules. She needs to see that this is one and done for you. You could require she moves out. Whatever it takes.

 

I wish you the best.

[DKT3]

I'll be a dissenting voice here.

 

She had an affair. It's disgusting and disrespectful and just so terribly wrong. That in itself may be a deal-breaker for you.

 

But if it's not, this doesn't have to be the end. You have FOUR CHILDREN. Yes, you could divorce and likely find someone else who will love you, perhaps help you raise your children. But if your wife has been generally good and loving and this is very out of character, perhaps you can give this some time.

 

You found out about her affair at the height of her emotions. I am guessing this was a high-limerence situation, and the man was probably very charming, swept her off her feet, all that crap. Absolutely no excuse and I don't buy the manipulation stuff. But she probably really fell for it because of the romantic feelings. She's been with you since she was very young, she's been making baby after baby, and along comes prince charming. This was probably a huge escape.

 

None of this excuses her actions. Please don't misunderstand. I am pointing all of this out because people post on here that if she's not begging your forgiveness your marriage is over. I am just telling you that she is no emotional position to do that right now. It would be disingenuous for her to do so. She has lost her mind in a sense and reality has not hit her yet. But give her some time and she will realize what an utter blind idiot she was. Believe me.

 

You have choices right now. You can do what people suggest here and be done. Wash your hands of her. Or, you can draw a different kind of line. You can set up boundaries, you can even separate if you need to. Wait this out. You'll know what you need from her in order to feel safe again, if you can. But unless the cheating itself is an automatic deal-breaker, I don't recommend making a decision to divorce based on her behavior NOW. Her behavior is a natural consequence of her cheating. She is going to have emotions and after-effects. If you want to see if you can make it, give it some time. But don't be a "Nice Guy." I would lay down some hard and fast rules. She needs to see that this is one and done for you. You could require she moves out. Whatever it takes.

 

I wish you the best.

Southern it's not that easy for most to use logic to rationalize the partners affair, it's all emotions. Maybe she will realize it wasn't what she wanted, but what if she doesn't? I think it can never be wrong to get yourself away from someone who can so easily discard you. It's much easier to move on and look forward to new things. It's always the best plan to move forward with the idea that your WS will soon be out of the picture, that puts the burden where it should be.

[RecentChange]

Reconciliation is hard work, and it's up to the WS to do the heavy lifting.

 

Will she wake up, and decide that her husband is the love of her life and she is willing to do everything and anything to make up to him and her family what she has done?

 

Perhaps.... Maybe she will do a total 180?

 

I just can't fathom letting him stew for a week until she begged to see the kids. It appears that he is still an afterthought

[DKT3]

Reconciliation is hard work, and it's up to the WS to do the heavy lifting.

 

Will she wake up, and decide that her husband is the love of her life and she is willing to do everything and anything to make up to him and her family what she has done?

 

Perhaps.... Maybe she will do a total 180?

 

I just can't fathom letting him stew for a week until she begged to see the kids. It appears that he is still an afterthought

 

Yeah that week is pretty telling, she must have been all in with that other guy. I can understand not reaching out to husband for him, but to not reach out for the kids.....

[WilyWill]

I can understand not reaching out to husband for him, but to not reach out for the kids.....

 

It takes a special kind of woman to think like that, and I don't mean that in a good way. OP should divorce, but should realize that he needs to spend the rest of his life monitoring her ability to provide adequate parenting.

[BrokenMan87]

I met with a lawyer this afternoon. I filled out the paperwork and having her served. Unfortunately, I live in a state that isn't divorced fathers friendly. I'm going to try for primary custody but my lawyer said don't expect it. So I guess we'll see what happens after she served.

[Southern Sun]

Yeah that week is pretty telling, she must have been all in with that other guy. I can understand not reaching out to husband for him, but to not reach out for the kids.....

 

I can't imagine it either, but perhaps she was completely ashamed? I have no idea. Yeah...I don't get it.

[Jersey born raised]

Got to wonder who this OM is. I had never heard of a person so arrogant as to contacting the BS with a demand to take care of and control their adulterous partner. This sounds so middle ages with a noble telling a peasant to suck it up.

 

How old are your children? Is your wife currently a SAHM? What type of support can you expect from family in terms of child care when you have custody?

[Cephalopod]

I met with a lawyer this afternoon. I filled out the paperwork and having her served. Unfortunately, I live in a state that isn't divorced fathers friendly. I'm going to try for primary custody but my lawyer said don't expect it. So I guess we'll see what happens after she served.

 

I know it sucks my man. Understand though, that you have a chance now to embark on a new future that you can steer yourself. With the hard-earned knowledge and wisdom this event has taught you, you have a chance to live a much more informed and empowered life.

 

You will feel immensely better once that D petition is filed. Because you will have taken back some of the control from her.

[QuietDan]

If you haven't already gone to the Doctor to get tested for STD"s, you should. If your wife says she only had safe sex, don't risk your health, she probably isn't being entirely honest. In all likelihood, the sexual acts performed probable included some high risk activities.

[WilyWill]

Got to wonder who this OM is. I had never heard of a person so arrogant as to contacting the BS with a demand to take care of and control their adulterous partner.

 

My guess is he said "Stop contacting me or I'll call your husband" multiple times. She was so sickeningly desperate to keep him that she couldn't give up. He got pissed and did what he promised. Then in the week where Brokenman87 moved out, she was still so pathetic and nd obsessed that she forgot about her own children, putting her thoughts about OM ahead of them.

 

And this is exactly why the OP should not reconcile. I could never reconcile with a women who was obsessed with some other stranger like this. Brokenman87, there are good women in this world who will put you first and be committed to you and your happiness. You'll find one someday.

[Jersey born raised]

Did your lawyer discuss ways to maximize custody, reduce child support due to you maximizing child support and how to decrease any spousal support? If not he is a paper pusher and most likely way over charging you.

 

Do a search on your state's divorce and custody laws. Read carefully how custody is decided. I bet the openning principle is "best interest of the child". If you argue adultery you lose. But if you can stay in the home or in the neighborhood where your children's social network that's a leg up. Add to that a solid plan for child care you are past 50/50. Stability is almost always the first issued discussed. So, are your parents or any Sibs local that can provide after school care? How can you make your job flexible enough for when they are sick or sudden emergency?

 

Without discussing these items develop a solid plan to present in court.

 

Spousal support can be tricky but can be finessed. Stress the need for her to work (so not discuss child care, let her get a job first and show up in court with no plan). Remember the objective of spousal support is that neither party be left in poverty. So yes you get dinged, but work on how badly.

[Superchicken]

I can't imagine it either, but perhaps she was completely ashamed? I have no idea. Yeah...I don't get it.

 

One thing your also not seeing.

She went after the other guy, even when he dumped her. She kept on him, and to a point of him having to call the husband.

Come on, how can you say that relationship is still fixable.

She STILL wanted the affair, so that to me is crap !.

No fixing, sorry.

 

 

Ted

[road]

One thing your also not seeing.

She went after the other guy, even when he dumped her. She kept on him, and to a point of him having to call the husband.

Come on, how can you say that relationship is still fixable.

She STILL wanted the affair, so that to me is crap !.

No fixing, sorry.

 

 

Ted

 

Standard WW response is to still want the affair...........until their

BH finds out. So is fixable. Though the BH has to want to.

[BetrayedH]

Standard WW response is to still want the affair...........until their

BH finds out. So is fixable. Though the BH has to want to.

 

Whether that's healthy is another question entirely.

 

Why cling to a person that is so disrespectful? It's simply poor self-worth and likely related to the impact her affair has had on him. Not a good reason to "want to."

[road]

Whether that's healthy is another question entirely.

 

Why cling to a person that is so disrespectful? It's simply poor self-worth and likely related to the impact her affair has had on him. Not a good reason to "want to."

 

Remember the BH did not want a divorce before D day.

[BetrayedH]

Remember the BH did not want a divorce before D day.

 

The question wasn't whether he wanted to remain in the marriage; it was whether or not it was a healthy choice to do so. I didn't want a divorce before Dday either. But then the circumstances changed and it wasn't healthy to remain in that marriage, even if that might have been what I had instinctively wanted.

 

To what extent is anything "fixed" if the BS just accepts treatment that they don't deserve? That's not fixing; it's rugsweeping.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree with you betrayed h

 

If a wayward spouse is respectful and remorseful...you can rebuild relationship....but if respect and remorse are missing...what foundation do you then rebuild a relationship on?

 

Only the betrayed spouse knows the truth.....only they know if it is worth the time and effort to rebuild a realationship shattered by infidelity.

 

I cannot make that call for someone else.

[BetrayedH]

I agree with you betrayed h

 

If a wayward spouse is respectful and remorseful...you can rebuild relationship....but if respect and remorse are missing...what foundation do you then rebuild a relationship on?

 

Only the betrayed spouse knows the truth.....only they know if it is worth the time and effort to rebuild a realationship shattered by infidelity.

 

I cannot make that call for someone else.

 

I've long seen there being two requirements for a real reconciliation...a truly remorseful wayward spouse and a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. I believe both take a long time to determine and both are tall orders.

 

It's my opinion that the marriage isn't worth staying in without both requirements being met. Many stay anyway, as is their prerogative, sometimes even for other reasons. I just don't think it's healthy.

 

I think the typical path begins with the wayward's true remorse, which is proven (to the extent that it can be) by consistent actions over time. And in the interim, the BS weighs their capacity for forgiveness should the remorse prove true. There are exceptions; yours is probably one of them. I think Mr JA probably found forgiveness first. You've got a good man there, with the wisdom to see the long game. And he's got a good woman.

 

I hope you stop hanging out here. It's enough. It's time to enjoy your days together.

 

Just my opinion...and worth the paper it's written on.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I've long seen there being two requirements for a real reconciliation...a truly remorseful wayward spouse and a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. I believe both take a long time to determine and both are tall orders.

 

It's my opinion that the marriage isn't worth staying in without both requirements being met. Many stay anyway, as is their prerogative, sometimes even for other reasons. I just don't think it's healthy.

 

I think the typical path begins with the wayward's true remorse, which is proven (to the extent that it can be) by consistent actions over time. And in the interim, the BS weighs their capacity for forgiveness should the remorse prove true. There are exceptions; yours is probably one of them. I think Mr JA probably found forgiveness first. You've got a good man there, with the wisdom to see the long game. And he's got a good woman.

 

I hope you stop hanging out here. It's enough. It's time to enjoy your days together.

 

Just my opinion...and worth the paper it's written on.

 

you are probably right my friend....I certainly do have a good man...and oh how i try to be the woman he deserves.

 

We hang out here less and less....but we both have a desire to help others if we can.

 

We do enjoy our days together....more than we can share here...lol

 

we represent that life can be so good...even after infidelity....but it takes work...and few are willing to put in the time and effort that it requires.

 

We live in a society that wants everything NOW....and life doesn't work that way. Anything worth having requires time and effort.

 

We have done both....lucky us.....

[spanz1]

It is very hard to face, but you are her "plan B". Things with the other man didn't work out despite her desperate, pathetic pursuit of him.

 

 

the problem is, she was going to chose him, and now is back telling you she loves you. but what happens the next time she is turned on by another man? Falls in love again, and disappears?

 

 

It is hard to trust her now, so even if you do want to reconcile....you will be looking over your shoulder the rest of your life. Go slow. Really figure out what YOU want. And see if her interest in reconciling is genuine.

Edited April 23, 2017 by spanz1

[Mrs. John Adams]

the problem is, she was going to chose him, and now is back telling you she loves you. but what happens the next time she is turned on by another man? Falls in love again, and disappears?

 

 

It is hard to trust her now, so even if you do want to reconcile....you will be looking over your shoulder the rest of your life. Go slow. Really figure out what YOU want. And see if her interest in reconciling is genuine.

 

Sometimes...waywards do understand what they have done....and they remain faithful the remainder of their lives.

 

It is not fair to assume that infidelity will happen again....it is not fair to predict the future behavior of someone you do not know.

 

Warnings are good....i believe in painting the full picture...but i also think we have to be fair to those we are making assumptions about.

 

I do not know the heart of this woman....and while this betrayed spouse needs to hear the truth about things that can happen....we need to be careful that we dont preidict things that may not be correct.

 

Trust will never return 100% and you may be more estute to things said and done...but i dont beleive you live your life looking over your shoulder expecting another betrayal.

[understand50]

If we do believe in redemption, then we have to believe that two people can reconcile, and that a wayward Spouse can remain faithful. We have examples here that show this is so. We cannot assume, we can only go on what is being written by the OP. If all WS are going to cheat again, then the only path forward is acceptance of their continuing infidelity, or divorce. We know this is not true, just as we know some WS will cheat again. Did they really reconcile, or was that false?

 

Yes, everyone is capable of cheating under the right set of circumstances, but it does come down to the odds or risk that it may happen again. As time goes on the odd, risk goes down. The WS can show by their actions, that they are being faithful. We accept that they are or not, but to say, they will cheat no matter what is just plain wrong. There are too many documented exceptions to the rule.

 

My two cents.....

[road]

the problem is, she was going to chose him, and now is back telling you she loves you. but what happens the next time she is turned on by another man? Falls in love again, and disappears?

 

 

It is hard to trust her now, so even if you do want to reconcile....you will be looking over your shoulder the rest of your life. Go slow. Really figure out what YOU want. And see if her interest in reconciling is genuine.

 

Sometimes...waywards do understand what they have done....and they remain faithful the remainder of their lives.

 

It is not fair to assume that infidelity will happen again....it is not fair to predict the future behavior of someone you do not know.

 

Warnings are good....i believe in painting the full picture...but i also think we have to be fair to those we are making assumptions about.

 

I do not know the heart of this woman....and while this betrayed spouse needs to hear the truth about things that can happen....we need to be careful that we dont preidict things that may not be correct.

 

Trust will never return 100% and you may be more estute to things said and done...but i dont beleive you live your life looking over your shoulder expecting another betrayal.

 

 

Past behavior is a good indication for future behavior.

 

What separated the WS that cheat again and those that don't are the

following. The WS never had to face any consequences so they cheat

again.

 

Then the WS that don't cheat again are the ones that work to change and

affair proof their marriage. Such as no jobs with over night trips.

No opposite sex friends. Choosing recreational activities that they

enjoy together. Whether confess or got caught they did not trickle

truth, and if they did they gave up lying.