My wife cheated on me

[Bufo]

Keep working with your attorney. Her " fogginess" won the last round in court for you. Now that the gravy train has left the station, however, OM may decide he has no use for WW. And she'll have no place to go but home unless there are nearby saintly or oblivious relatives. Which means she will approach you and claim whatever equivalent she has to finding Jesus and seek your forgiveness. She is smart enough to know she'll have to reestablish a custodial environment (albeit jointly with you) to have a chance of being declared primary custodian again after her tearful confession to the judge of being so very wrong before. Of course she will want lots of money so the kids can lead a normal life......

 

Thus have a plan in place for her attempted return. you are probably stuck with the judge initially assigned to the case. So ask your lawyer for advice. That's what they get paid for.

 

Chess players plan many moves in advance. Do the same.

Edited May 14, 2017 by Bufo

[stillafool]

He has spent well over 10,000.00 on my wife in the last 6 months.

 

During those 6 months did you see anything new around the house that would warrant some of that $10,000? If not she probably was getting money from the rich dude and giving it to the Felon. The rich guy probably found out he was being used and found out about the Felon that's why he wanted nothing else to do with her. Just a guess. He probably realized being 3rd party to the Felon was dangerous and for all he knows the Felon might convince your wife to con him for money. Not to mention the lies your wife probably told the rich guy about how you don't pay bills, buy groceries and how she needs money to support her kids just so she could get money from him.

[drifter777]

Good to win first time in court. Now she'll be totally on the defensive & that's good for you. You've got temp custody and she has to win it back for cause. That's a higher bar than most people realize. Well done - congratulations!

[BrokenMan87]

So my wife, ex wife, or whatever the hell one would call her has dropped the felon. On Mother Day, when I told her she couldn't take the kids up to see her mother she dropped him. She was mad, threatened me, and I just ignored her. An hour later, a mutual friend of mine who has been feeding me a bit of information, told me she dumped him. Today, the private investigator confirmed they hadn't seen him around where she had been staying.

 

To answer about things around the house that would warrant to 10K. My wife did buy some new clothes. I didn't check the brand, and she was never one to overspend on her wardrobe, so very possible he supplied those. I know he took her to a lot of expensive restaurants and hotels that I couldn't afford. So the theory she was spending some money on the felon is possible. From what I gathered she was seeing the felon since February. No concrete proof. I don't think I really care all the details, as long as this man isn't in my kid's life and hasn't hurt them in anyway.

 

My lawyer told me to stick to the temporary custody to a tee. Answer any questions my wife has regarding the kids, and keep the drama to a limit. My wife is smart enough not to leave any texting of her threats. Unfortunetly we still have the same judge assigned, so her regaining some custody, in the end, is a possibility.

Edited May 19, 2017 by BrokenMan87

[Clay]

Be patient and log everything. I fought my older two girls mother for 2 years. I spent over 15k the first time trying to get custody. When I thought all was lost my family said wait and watch. I did. I documented everything. I don't know if yours was anything like my xGF but she was all over the place mentally. Sure enough she cheated on the guy she was living with and left him with the kids in the guise that she was taking a trip across the country for work. Truth is she ran off to another guy. The current BF and her best friend called me. I went and picked up my kids and started the paper work again. Once again I thought I was making progress and then they told me when she comes back on her second court date to have the kids ready to give them back to her. Well she never flew back. The judge then said that I was awarded a temp custody order and pushed us for mediation. I fought her and the mediator who strongly believed in joint custody for two days. My parting words to her was as long as I have a job Ill retain a lawyer and watch you. Three weeks later she called me up and signed over custody to my girls.

 

Sure maybe I wore my ex down and our courts side heavily for women even when they are in the wrong but in the end she knew I wouldn't stop.

 

Stay the course.

 

C

Edited May 19, 2017 by Clay
Cleaning it up.

[BrokenMan87]

So as far as I can prove she hasn't reconciled with the felon.

Yesterday we had our first day of mediation. We agreed on everything except for child custody. Unfortunately, I still have the same judge who my lawyer said is biased toward a woman. My wife says she won't accept less than 50-50 joint custody, and will take it to trial if it comes to that. I have one of the best lawyers in this county and he told me that from his experience with this particular judge, I'll end up with at most 50% physical and legal custody, even with having temporary custody. I tried to suggest a 60- 40 split with her, and I'd wave child support, pay for child care, and carry the health insurance but she denied.

Edited June 7, 2017 by BrokenMan87

[aliveagain]

Friend, the two main things you need to do is get yourself out of infidelity and protect your children. The Courts have to consider the fact that you have only been married 5 years and there are a minimum of two other men, one begged you to get her out of his life, the other is a felon whom she moved into your home the day after you left. You have 4 young children who must all be under the age of 10 that need to be safe, your wife is not safe. During your last year together she was having sex with you and at least two other men, how does that qualify her as a good mother? One thing I know about serial cheaters, they usually have help from friends or family, someone knows all her dirty secrets. You just have to subpoena the right person.

[Cephalopod]

So as far as I can prove she hasn't reconciled with the felon.

Yesterday we had our first day of mediation. We agreed on everything except for child custody. Unfortunately, I still have the same judge who my lawyer said is biased toward a woman. My wife says she won't accept less than 50-50 joint custody, and will take it to trial if it comes to that. I have one of the best lawyers in this county and he told me that from his experience with this particular judge, I'll end up with at most 50% physical and legal custody, even with having temporary custody. I tried to suggest a 60- 40 split with her, and I'd wave child support, pay for child care, and carry the health insurance but she denied.

 

Yeah its a tough situation. In my situation I was going for full custody of my daughter, which is unheard of for a father in California. I hired a lawyer who was, to put it as nicely as I can...a real snake. To say he was a mean, cold-hearted, blitzkrieg lawyer is an understatement. He had an equally sleazy PI who worked for him, and within about three months gathered enough dirt on her to make my WW out to be Charles Manson's sister.

 

To put it bluntly, I had to go on a smear campaign against my exWW...and it was ugly. My lawyer drug her through the dirt and then some. There were times when I really did feel bad for her and bad about what I was doing to her, but I let the lawyer do what he needed to do. I felt dirty and nasty afterwards but I got my daughter, and in the end that was all that mattered.

[drifter777]

So as far as I can prove she hasn't reconciled with the felon.

Yesterday we had our first day of mediation. We agreed on everything except for child custody. Unfortunately, I still have the same judge who my lawyer said is biased toward a woman. My wife says she won't accept less than 50-50 joint custody, and will take it to trial if it comes to that. I have one of the best lawyers in this county and he told me that from his experience with this particular judge, I'll end up with at most 50% physical and legal custody, even with having temporary custody. I tried to suggest a 60- 40 split with her, and I'd wave child support, pay for child care, and carry the health insurance but she denied.

 

A year or so after a divorce most men regret one thing the most: wasting time bickering over bull$hit instead of just getting it over ASAP. You should take the offer and move forward with your life. Nothing good will come from a protracted legal fight that, in the end, is likely to give you what is already on the table. There is a lot of value in just ending all of this and focusing solely on your future.

[SummerDreams]

My opinion is that kids need their mother more. I don't see why that much fighting to get full custody. She was a bad wife but a good mother right?

[BrokenMan87]

I don't agree the kids need the mother more than the father. In a perfect world they'd have both parents equally. Before I found out she cheated on me she was an amazing mother and I thought amazing wife.

 

Lately, some of her decisions are questionable. She brought a felon around my kids, was harassing the OM after he clearly told her to leave him around, she lost temporary custody because of her actions.

 

It just sucks I'm stuck in a state, in a county that caters to women. It is rare, almost unheard of for a man to get joint 50-50 custody. Even with me getting a temporary order, I'm stuck with the judge I had originally.

 

I think I might end up just having to accept 50% custody, child support, have the kids on my insurance, and covering 75% of daycare, and 75% of agreed-upon extracurricular activities.

 

I don't want to take the kids from their mother, I just want them to have stability, and for me to have a leg to stand on, in an unfair family court system.

[BetrayedH]

I don't agree the kids need the mother more than the father. In a perfect world they'd have both parents equally. Before I found out she cheated on me she was an amazing mother and I thought amazing wife.

 

Lately, some of her decisions are questionable. She brought a felon around my kids, was harassing the OM after he clearly told her to leave him around, she lost temporary custody because of her actions.

 

It just sucks I'm stuck in a state, in a county that caters to women. It is rare, almost unheard of for a man to get joint 50-50 custody. Even with me getting a temporary order, I'm stuck with the judge I had originally.

 

I think I might end up just having to accept 50% custody, child support, have the kids on my insurance, and covering 75% of daycare, and 75% of agreed-upon extracurricular activities.

 

I don't want to take the kids from their mother, I just want them to have stability, and for me to have a leg to stand on, in an unfair family court system.

 

I have to disagree with Drifter, which I don't do often. In my experience, people that are divorcing usually regret that they gave in too much just to "get it over with."

 

Most financial calculations are simple mathematics. If you're making more than her and everything else is otherwise equal, then she will receive child support from you. I would stick to your guns about 50/50 custody, pay the state mandated child support, but no more than 50% daycare, medical expenses (other than insurance) and extracurriculars.

[Cephalopod]

My opinion is that kids need their mother more. I don't see why that much fighting to get full custody. She was a bad wife but a good mother right?

 

As a single father of a very well-adjusted teenage daughter I disagree with this. My exWW is barely a part of our daughter's life. She comes by and sees our daughter maybe once every six months. The sad part is, I live in San Diego and my exWW lives not more than fifteen miles away in El Cajon. There is absolutely no reason why she cannot come and see her daughter as often as she wants.

 

Even though I have sole controlling custody, I have never tried to keep my exWW from seeing our daughter. My only requirement is that she not have our daughter over at her house, given that it is frequented by lowlife scum and any one of fifty or more boyfriends/flavors of the week. I don't want my daughter exposed to her debauchery and my ex even agrees that it would not be good. But then, she uses her choice of lifestyle as a reason not to come and visit her daughter.

 

What is most sad, is that my daughter has cried all the tears she is going to cry for her mom, and even more tragic is that she looks at her mom as a running joke. She even tells jokes to her friends where her mom is the punchline. I had nothing to do with this, as I never badmouth her mother. Over the years my daughter has come to her own conclusions, and has concluded that her mother is not to be taken seriously, trusted or counted on.

[drifter777]

I have to disagree with Drifter, which I don't do often. In my experience, people that are divorcing usually regret that they gave in too much just to "get it over with."

 

I don't disagree with this at all. Lots of men really do want to get it over as quickly and painlessly as possible and if all it's going to cost them is money they're only too glad to comply. Some time later I'm sure some do regret giving in too quickly - but they forget the value of closing that ugly chapter and starting a fresh new life. The lawyers I know always say that the smart thing to do is settle without the lawyers and be very generous in order to get it over quickly. They claim it's much cheaper in the long run to avoid the legal bills and bad blood that can make everything even worse.

 

BH, do you have an opinion from your own experience?

[BetrayedH]

I don't disagree with this at all. Lots of men really do want to get it over as quickly and painlessly as possible and if all it's going to cost them is money they're only too glad to comply. Some time later I'm sure some do regret giving in too quickly - but they forget the value of closing that ugly chapter and starting a fresh new life. The lawyers I know always say that the smart thing to do is settle without the lawyers and be very generous in order to get it over quickly. They claim it's much cheaper in the long run to avoid the legal bills and bad blood that can make everything even worse.

 

BH, do you have an opinion from your own experience?

 

I agree that both scenarios happen. Some spend oodles of money fighting over who gets the dog and the only people that win are the attorneys being paid a good sum by the hour. Some people (like my Mom) settle quickly to get it over with and are then screwed for life and regret not fighting for their fair share. She had no work history and left with virtually nothing and is now working indefinitely and living paycheck to paycheck while my Dad retired early.

 

Both scenarios should be avoided and it's a difficult balance.

 

In my case, I do have some regrets about not fighting more. My mediation day was a long one and I would take a do-over on a few things I chose not to contest. At the same time, I am glad I settled rather than going to court where I would have spent probably $10k to get back $3k that I deserved.

 

In the OP's case, he may come to regret that 75% bit when the wife chooses expensive and unnecessary daycare and picks expensive extracurriculars just to screw him over. Make it 50/50 on expenses and if a parent signs up a child for an extracurricular without joint approval, the parent doing the sign-up pays the cost. If he's going to pay the insurance premiums, that should also be a financial calcuation.

 

Few people win everything in a negotiation but the OP also shouldn't give in on anything just for the sake of getting it over with if it can come back to haunt him.

 

On a side note, the potential for my wife's debauchery to become public record was a huge motivation for her to settle. The key is to find out what she really fears or what she really wants and get concessions for giving it to her. The gamesmanship may seem a bit distasteful but in my case I was screwed enough through the infidelity that I was not being screwed anymore.

[BrokenMan87]

\

 

In the OP's case, he may come to regret that 75% bit when the wife chooses expensive and unnecessary daycare and picks expensive extracurriculars just to screw him over. Make it 50/50 on expenses and if a parent signs up a child for an extracurricular without joint approval, the parent doing the sign-up pays the cost. If he's going to pay the insurance premiums, that should also be a financial calculation.

 

 

When I interviewed lawyers one of the questions I asked was how support would work. They all said, that daycare, extracurriculars were based on income. I make a lot more than my wife so I'd be stuck with the most. But during mediation, we managed to agree that daycare, extracurricular activities would have to be agreed upon. She wouldn't be the custodial parent, we'd equally have physical and legal custody. Whatever I agree too I'd make sure it protects me from having unnecessary charges. Like she couldn't put our child in hockey, if I didn't agree with it. If she did she'ld be on the hook for the full amount.

 

Also, my two younger kids (2 1/2 and 4) go to a daycare, which costs me 1000.00 a month. My two older children (6 and 7), I was paying 150.00 a month for before and after care, and have it arranged that a friend of theirs mother will watch them during the summer for 500.00 a month, while I work. I'm taking a week off in July and a week off in August, for vacation, so that'll save some money there. There is no reason why this would change. It is affordable and it works. The wife even though she is pissed that she is not the custodian parent has said she is okay with this arraignment.

[BrokenMan87]

So...... life is just peachy

 

My wife dropped the bombshell that she is pregnant. 10 weeks. We had sex maybe one time in the window of concievement and she had been with the felon multiple times. The affair with the rich man had ended. Now the divorce proceedings is stalled until after the baby birth. I really don't think the baby is mine, and she is telling everyone it is, but I think it's the felons. So I'm settling with a legal separation at this time. We have a final hearing in July for custody, so really once the divorce does come along, it'll just be a technicality unless this baby is mine, which I really hope not.

Edited June 27, 2017 by BrokenMan87

[road]

So...... life is just peachy

 

My wife dropped the bombshell that she is pregnant. 10 weeks. We had sex maybe one time in the window of concievement and she had been with the felon multiple times. The affair with the rich man had ended. Now the divorce proceedings is stalled until after the baby birth. I really don't think the baby is mine, and she is telling everyone it is, but I think it's the felons. So I'm settling with a legal separation at this time. We have a final hearing in July for custody, so really once the divorce does come along, it'll just be a technicality unless this baby is mine, which I really hope not.

 

Infidelity, the gift that never stops giving

 

it to the BH good.

[WilyWill]

She might agree to an in-utero paternity test. If not, perhaps the court can compel her to have one.

 

It would be nice to have your ducks lined up before the baby is born. Your wife is one messed up woman. It's good that you're getting away from her. I feel bad for the baby and I hope it's not yours.

[BrokenMan87]

She might agree to an in-utero paternity test. If not, perhaps the court can compel her to have one.

 

It would be nice to have your ducks lined up before the baby is born. Your wife is one messed up woman. It's good that you're getting away from her. I feel bad for the baby and I hope it's not yours.

 

 

Unfortunately no court will force a woman to have an in-utero paternity test. My only option is to wait until he/she is born. I already have temporary custody, and late next month, a custody arrangement will be finalized. At this point, I'll likely have to share 50-50 with my wife. This county is not in my favor.

 

Instead of selling my house, I agreed to pay her half its equity. I figured I can afford it on my salary alone, even if I have to pay support.

[Ren2108]

Manipulation is real. 100%. Her mind has been altered in the process. Don't do anything rash. Give her time to detox and see what happens.

[RewindRomancer]

Hoooooly Moley Broken Man...I .didn't see that one coming! So, there might be another hands-on, little human being you'll be be raising as a 50% single dad to 4 little kids already.

 

 

Wow. Just wow.

 

 

Your ex got pregnant on purpose. That was just sheer manipulation on her part. But the question is, which one of you is she trying to manipulate? Get the DNA test....

[QuietDan]

So...... life is just peachy

 

My wife dropped the bombshell that she is pregnant. 10 weeks. We had sex maybe one time in the window of concievement and she had been with the felon multiple times. The affair with the rich man had ended. Now the divorce proceedings is stalled until after the baby birth. I really don't think the baby is mine, and she is telling everyone it is, but I think it's the felons. So I'm settling with a legal separation at this time. We have a final hearing in July for custody, so really once the divorce does come along, it'll just be a technicality unless this baby is mine, which I really hope not.

If the felon is the father, to a certain extent you three will be in a life long relationship with each other. The child will be a sibling to your children. There will be all sorts of moral, economic, family, and legal issues through that relationship that will last a lifetime.

[QuietDan]

So...... life is just peachy

 

My wife dropped the bombshell that she is pregnant. 10 weeks. We had sex maybe one time in the window of concievement and she had been with the felon multiple times. The affair with the rich man had ended. Now the divorce proceedings is stalled until after the baby birth. I really don't think the baby is mine, and she is telling everyone it is, but I think it's the felons. So I'm settling with a legal separation at this time. We have a final hearing in July for custody, so really once the divorce does come along, it'll just be a technicality unless this baby is mine, which I really hope not.

How to say? For the sake of your own children, you will be in the unenviable position of trying to encourage the other man and your probable soon to be ex, to encourage a father child relationship between the child and the OM. You will have a vested interest in trying to encourage the felon to take parenting classes, anger management classes, a stable good paying job with benifits.

[Mr Blunt]

By Summer Dreams

My opinion is that kids need their mother more. I don't see why that much fighting to get full custody. She was a bad wife but a good mother right?

 

She may be a good mother but bringing in a male felon involved with drugs into the household with daughters is not a mother that is thinking of her children as her number one priority…If I was a judge I would look at the known facts:

 

Wife takes a chance with bringing in a felon to the household with daughters

 

Wife is not loyal or committed

 

Wife is willing to break up the family that will hurt the children

 

 

 

 

Husband has been loyal and committed

 

Husband has more income to help the children more

 

Husband does not bring a drug felon into the household with his children.

 

In this case with the above facts it is a slam dunk; the husband is a better parent for the children.