mwarren201 Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 I need help I have been married for 9 months and my husband is now saying that the last 9 months have been he!!, his family is upset with me and He says that I have hurt him and believes that I have been lying to him. He says that he loves me more than anything but we make better friends than we do a couple so he asked me to move out which I have, but he says he doesn’t know if he still wants to be together. What should I do I want to be married to him we have tried counseling but he doesn’t believe I’m changing. I love him and can not picture my life without him what can I do to make him want me and our marriage again. Link to post Share on other sites
DesertDweller Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 We need more details. According to your husband, how have you hurt him? What lies have you told him? Why is his family mad at you? Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 yes, with more information we can try and offer advice. Link to post Share on other sites
rble618740 Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 If you look back to some of my posts from June 2004, you'll see that my husband moved out after 9 months of marriage - saying that he thought we had made a mistake. We were separated for about 2 1/2 months, and we have been reconciled (and unbelievably happy) since August 13, 2004. Right after my husband left I was frantic to work things out. The best advice I got, and I will pass on to you, is: 1. BE STILL! Don't make any sudden, drastic moves. Don't pick up and leave the state, don't file for divorce, don't do anything sudden. You're not in any shape emotionally to be making huge, life-altering decisions. 2. DO NOT BEG this man to be with you! He is an adult, he has the right to make his decisions, he will not respect you if you beg him, and if he stays with you as a result of begging - you will always have to wonder whether he really wants to be with you. 3. AFFIRM! Do not pressure, but when you talk to or see your husband, affirm your love for him and commitment to the marriage. 4. ASSERT! Be assertive in taking responsibility for your wrongs in the marriage and working on your faults, and be direct about what you need from him. Make a decision to stay in the marriage and work at the marriage, even if he isn't. He'll either join you or make a decision to get out altogether. You don't have any control over that decision. Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by rble618740 Make a decision to stay in the marriage and work at the marriage, even if he isn't. This is not necesarily the best advice. A marriage can't be a one way street and if you work on the marriage and your spouse does not.. you are trying to fix an impossibilty.. You both have to decide to stay in the marriage and work at the marriage Link to post Share on other sites
rble618740 Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Marriage is sometimes a one way street - at certain times one partner is bearing more than her fair share, at other times the other partner is bearing more than his fair share of the work. You are not trying to do the impossible just because you're willing to work on the marriage when your spouse is not. Besides, I think the original poster noted that her husband was unsure of whether he wanted to work on the marriage (as opposed to being sure he didn't). Someone has to make the first move. She cannot live her life simply reacting to the decisions of people around her. If she starts the hard work of saving her marriage and her husband is inspired to work to save the marriage too, that's great. If she puts the hard work into improving herself and saving her marriage and her husband decides he wants out - there's nothing she can do about that. However, when the marriage is over - she can feel good about doing everything in her power to save it AND she'll be a better person for the next relationship. No regrets or glimpses of "what if I would have tried" or "what if I would have taken the first step towards saving the marriage?" My marriage is proof that, even when one of you thinks there is no hope for the marriage, there just might be. And...even more importantly, your marriage can be better after reconciliation. I know that's not the case for everyone, but I believe you do what you think is right (work on and try to save the marriage). If your spouse prevents reconciliation, you still come out ahead in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
mwarren201 Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 thanks to all who have replied so far it gives me better insight on what to do. according to my husband what hurt him is that we fought everyday (over the smallest things) and when we fought "we" sometimes got violent, i was the cause to most of the fights because i didn't pick my fights, i fought them all. he said that all of these fights hurt him because he loved me so much that the fights were tearing him apart and he could not handle it no more. the thing with the trust was that his mother and me had discussed some of the things that were happening and she told him a total different story. and his family found out that i thought his mother was a !@#$% that caused problems with his family but even before that they have been wanting us to be separated. since the other day i moved my stuff out of the house and am getting a place of my own.when i went to get my stuff there was no fighting, he began by saying we were either going to have are marriage annulled or that we were getting a divorce, by the time i left however (some persuasion) he said that we would stay married and just not be together and we would have a very, very,very small chance of getting our marriage back. however it seems like he doesn't want to be around me and if were going to have any chance i feel like we need to spend time around each other. i really want to have him back. how do i make him forget the past when i hurt him and concentrate on the future. Link to post Share on other sites
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