Should I be worried? [UPDATE: texting confusion]

[amkxoxo]

So I joined match.com

 

I don’t love it, but don’t hate it. I started talking to this one guy online. He seemed nice at first and he kept asking all about me and referencing things I put in my profile in a really respectful way of getting to know me. He seemed really normal. All seemed good. Before I told him too much about myself, I did go and creep on his social media online. I easily found his facebook profile after he told me where he works. I went on his profile and he had all pictures on there with another woman who was identified in the photos as his fiancée. I couldn’t believe someone was on match.com and was getting married, or already married.

 

I openly told him what I had seen and he apologized a million times that I saw the pictures and assumed he was engaged. He was very honest and genuine. He told me he was engaged last year and he never got around to taking the photos down. He said they broke off their engagement after he had a tough year and she just couldn’t stick by him through some trials and tribulations. He got very personal with me and was very open about it. He said they both had pictures still up because it’s embarrassing to break off an engagement and they were trying to save face.

 

He even started joking saying “Okay, can we start over? Hi, I’m John, definitely not engaged. Was engaged, but not anymore. I like hiking and music and I really want to get to know a really smart and pretty computer detective.”

 

I thought this was cute. We started talking heavily and he seems very nice and genuine. I went on the next day and see that his facebook is different, where it was just all about him and not her at all. He looked single and it was just all pictures and posts of him and his college buddies. I saw she was still friends with him on facebook still. I thought that showed something good that he went on and changed it right away.

 

After a few days of talking he asked me out on an official date. I thought this was really nice. He kept asking me to pick, and he wanted me to be happy with what we did. He suggested either hiking or dinner. I chose dinner, as to not be stuck in the woods with a stranger. We picked a night, Friday. We decided to meet between our two towns. I was unfamiliar with the area, so he said he went ahead and asked a friend for suggestions on where to eat. He sent me the link to the restaurant website and asked me to look at it to make sure it was somewhere I wanted to go before we decided to go there. I thought this was very nice and considerate.

 

We made the plan and I was very excited.

 

He then texted me the next day telling me he totally forgot he had a wedding that night, typical guy, so he wanted to reschedule. He was very adamant about us picking another night and when was good for me, and he was very accommodating to my schedule. He even said he could make us reservations if needed. So he wasn’t blowing me off. I suggested Saturday and he said he would really like that since then we wouldn’t be rushed after a work day. So we made a plan. He also hinted to us doing something after the dinner too. Again, thought this was nice already. I’m so excited to go on this date with him.

 

 

But I feel like ever since we made the plan to go out, texting has become less, and I am getting paranoid. This past Saturday we spoke about food and the weather and rearranging our date. Then he stopped responding to me. He answered me a day later, on Easter to wish me a Happy Easter. And I wished him one back and now its Monday and I haven’t heard from him since.

 

I’m just a bit confused. Maybe I am seeing way too much into things and it’s no big deal. I just feel like you would want to talk to the person you are going out with in person this upcoming weekend. I went on facebook today and was creeping a bit and found that he has two facebooks. One is the one I originally saw, all photos of him and the fiancée and still says they are engaged. He has another one, where he looks single, and it’s just his old college photos with some of his buddies. His “ex-fiancee” is friends with his other facebook too, so she knows he has two of them. So that leads me to believe he is single, since he is friends with his ex-fiancee on two facebooks, so she knows he is doing this. I question if he is trying to phase out his “engaged” facebook and start a fresh one without her to be his regular one.

 

Anyone have any advice for me? Am I freaking out over nothing. He asked me out, wants to get to know me, and I’m just being paranoid? Or is this strange?

[smackie9]

Whether or not he is engaged or not...it's the fact he hasn't lifted a finger to remove it. To me that speaks volumes of his character.....he hasn't moved on properly and you should.

[kendahke]

I would tell him you found the second one and that you're rethinking the wisdom in getting to know someone being obviously deceitful. He should have stated he had two and chose not to.

 

There is a reason he's got two facebook profiles showing him being in two different states of involvement. You need to try to find out why that is before you invest any further.

[Styder]

Eject, Eject, Eject Amkxoxo!

 

If it was me I would have seen enough now to forget the guy.

 

The FB stuff is very, very odd. As an honest decent person it can come a huge shock when you run into a scumbag lowlife and the things they get up to.

 

Hows this: Maybe lying to his Fiance? He tells her he's got two FB but doesn't use the second and so she never looks there. Why would she? Then he goes on dating sites looking to hook-up. Maybe your the first or maybe your the fifteith.

 

I mean even if I'm wrong the risk ain't worth it. Plently of great guys out there.

[d0nnivain]

You're freaking out prematurely. Once the date was set he backed off so you'd have stuff to talk about ON the date. All this pre-date communication is meaningless. Nothing is real until you meet. You actually don't have a clear picture of who each other are & you won't get that until you meet.

 

 

BTW, 1st OLD dates are supposed to be short & cheap (coffee) for a reason. All this planning & drama to spend a whole dinner together just ratchets up the anxiety & adds to the costs.

[jgraham11]

Wait, wait, wait.. so you found his FB profile and creeped on his profile and brought it up to him? Wow, that would make me back out right then and there. I mean I'll creep on facebook from time to time if I need to, but I won't bring it up to the person haha.

 

Should you be worried though? No, I wouldn't be worried if he took the pics down. Assuming you meet up and get a better feel for him. There will be ways to tell if he's still in the mix with his fiance when/if you meet up with him. Then you can make a decision once you have more details

[ExpatInItaly]

So he's still got photos and status indicating he's engaged on a different FB profile?

 

Yeah, I wouldn't bother with him. Who are they worried about embarrassing by admitting they are not even a couple anymore?

 

My gut says he's not ready to move on. How long ago did they break off the engagement?

[ExpatInItaly]

Wait, wait, wait.. so you found his FB profile and creeped on his profile and brought it up to him? Wow, that would make me back out right then and there. I mean I'll creep on facebook from time to time if I need to, but I won't bring it up to the person haha.

 

Should you be worried though? No, I wouldn't be worried if he took the pics down. Assuming you meet up and get a better feel for him. There will be ways to tell if he's still in the mix with his fiance when/if you meet up with him. Then you can make a decision once you have more details

 

He's got a second profile indicating he's still engaged. He modified only one of them, if I understand the OP's post correctly.

[amkxoxo]

To be honest, I'm very confused. He has two profiles. One looks older, and one looks more relevant. One shows he's engaged and has all photos of them on it. The other one looks like an old profile from college maybe? With barely any posts on it. Looks likes it was used way back when he was in college like in 2010. He only has 19 friends on the old one. The new one does not say. His "ex-fiancee" is friends with both profiles. Her profile has all pictures of their engagement, but unlike his relationship status, which is engaged, hers doesn't say anything.

 

To me, I'd be shocked if he was engaged and getting married. I mean who pays for match.com when they are looking for what his profile says "a smart, motivated, funny girl." He could join a ton of free sites looking for some side action and he could definitely get it.

[d0nnivain]

Nobody needs 2 FB pages.

 

 

Seeing the info about him being engaged was cause for concern. You did the right thing by mentioning it. You seem to believe his explanation. However if he has been on the page but not changed it, that could be cause for concern.

 

 

I thought you were concerned because communication has been less since you agreed to the dinner date.

 

 

I still say go on the date but do keep your eyes & ears open. If the FB status doesn't change, move along.

[Cookiesandough]

He has a fiancé. Lol.

Edited April 17, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't think it sounds like he is engaged anymore. I mean if you are engaged and the person you are engaged too takes down all of the pictures of the two of you together, that is going to raise a huge red flag, right?

 

He may just have slowed down on the texting, because he wants to wait and see how it works out in person, now that you've already invested all this time into getting to know one another? I wouldn't worry about it too much.

[ExpatInItaly]

To be honest, I'm very confused. He has two profiles. One looks older, and one looks more relevant. One shows he's engaged and has all photos of them on it. The other one looks like an old profile from college maybe? With barely any posts on it. Looks likes it was used way back when he was in college like in 2010. He only has 19 friends on the old one. The new one does not say. His "ex-fiancee" is friends with both profiles. Her profile has all pictures of their engagement, but unlike his relationship status, which is engaged, hers doesn't say anything.

 

To me, I'd be shocked if he was engaged and getting married. I mean who pays for match.com when they are looking for what his profile says "a smart, motivated, funny girl." He could join a ton of free sites looking for some side action and he could definitely get it.

 

I don't think he's still engaged, but I also don't think he's ready to date again if he's still presenting himself as engaged. He seems to be still hanging on to...something.

 

Think about it: his friends and family are the ones seeing his FB profile, and he's having a hard time coming to grips with reality if he's been slow to remove evidence of her from the people who know him best. I am assuming they all know the relationship is over anyway. So what's the hold-up in admitting to himself and everyone else?

 

It's easier to present himself as truly single on match because he's interacting with strangers who don't know him or his backstory. He wants to be ready to dip his toes back in the dating world.

 

But is he really? That remains to be seen.

 

Just my two cents.

[MoreThanThat]

This is bs. You can change relationship status to being "only you" - removed engaged. There's no reason for it to be public with engaged unless he really is engaged.

[Zahara]

I mean who pays for match.com when they are looking for what his profile says "a smart, motivated, funny girl." He could join a ton of free sites looking for some side action and he could definitely get it.

 

You'd be surprised that there are people on a paying site who are married or attached. They are on multiple sites and have no issues forking out money to get as much exposure as they need.

[Cookiesandough]

After reading through more carefully, it could be he is lying about how recent his breakup was at the very least. Not changing your FB status is very fishy. He sounds at best a guy who is no way ready to move on. At worst still engaged, hiding on paysites meeting women long distance. Probably the first...

Edited April 17, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Larryville]

I openly told him what I had seen and he apologized a million times that I saw the pictures and assumed he was engaged. He was very honest and genuine.

 

What!?

 

He told me he was engaged last year and he never got around to taking the photos down. He said they broke off their engagement after he had a tough year and she just couldn’t stick by him through some trials and tribulations. He got very personal with me and was very open about it. He said they both had pictures still up because it’s embarrassing to break off an engagement and they were trying to save face.

 

so you found his FB profile and creeped on his profile and brought it up to him? Wow, that would make me back out right then and there.

 

I don’t get why more people don’t do some social media spying, it is easy. Potential employers, Universities, organizations checking out people trying to obtain memberships are all doing it.

 

If you want to get a deeper sense of someone’s online presence, particularly on Facebook just add in your search window “photos of John Doe” and ANY photo on Facebook of that person will come up.

 

But here in OP’s case this dude was so full of crap...

 

“engaged last year and he never got around to taking the photos down.”

Does that make any sort of sense to anyone?

 

Was also good you punched him in the face with what you saw. He is full of crap. Women who find stuff like this out should just immediately break off communication and start letting these dudes know they can’t keep getting away with being lying sacks of $#It*

 

Continue to give these dudes leeway at your own risk...

[amkxoxo]

He said they kept them up to show face since it's embarassing to break off the engagement. His fiancee has all photos of them too but it doesn't say they are engaged on her profile. My girl friend found online that they bought a condo together early last year and it's since been moved out of and sold. So that would make me think he's not engaged and they broke up.

 

He claims he would never do that to someone. And his previous engagement isn't something you would casually bring up in a first conversation with someone. He swears it was previous. He said he had a rough year last year and she couldn't stick by him through it. He said he was going through depression badly and was getting help but she couldn't deal with it and they had varying opinions so they ended things.

[jgraham11]

To be honest, I'm very confused. He has two profiles. One looks older, and one looks more relevant. One shows he's engaged and has all photos of them on it. The other one looks like an old profile from college maybe? With barely any posts on it. Looks likes it was used way back when he was in college like in 2010. He only has 19 friends on the old one. The new one does not say. His "ex-fiancee" is friends with both profiles. Her profile has all pictures of their engagement, but unlike his relationship status, which is engaged, hers doesn't say anything.

 

To me, I'd be shocked if he was engaged and getting married. I mean who pays for match.com when they are looking for what his profile says "a smart, motivated, funny girl." He could join a ton of free sites looking for some side action and he could definitely get it.

 

Okay I missed a few details in your original post, sorry. Still though, I don't think you'll ever be able to get the right read of this guy unless you meet up and more or less grill him. I agree I think the amount of people on Match who are already in serious relationships are slim, but that's not to say they're not out there

 

But just promise me you'll never tell another guy you were creeping on his facebook again. That will almost always end badly haha

[amkxoxo]

I promise promise to never ever tell them I was creeping again. Normally I wouldn't, because normally it doesn't look like the are ready to walk down the aisle. If I didn't see the engaged thing, I would have just thought he had a lot of pictures with a girl and wouldn't have said anything, but it said engaged, so it freaked me out. I didn't want to continue to tell someone about myself and invest time and energy to someone who is getting married. I know now I shouldn't have said anything.

 

He was way too nice to me about it and now we have a date. Or at least I hope we do. He didn't speak to me all day today, which makes me concerned. Some people mentioned maybe he made the plan with me and then is just waiting to meet me in person on Saturday, so we won't text as much, but it does make me nervous because most guys whom like me, or are interested even a little want to text a lot.

[amkxoxo]

Thank you for all the help and support. I am overthinking things. I misjudged him rather quickly. I think anyone would have been on the defensive when you saw he was engaged. I regret calling him out to begin with. He was so nice and still talked to me and got to know me and he seems like a mature guy. Where most guys would have thought it was creepy, he felt the need to explain himself to me and make the situation better instead. He wanted to make things right. I want to date and I'm so excited and nervous for this date. I'm getting way ahead of myself and I haven't even met the guy yet. I want him to like me.

 

Thats wrong. I should be thinking, he should be trying to get me to like him instead. Be more confident in myself. He will like me. I have a lot to offer.

 

I'm still a bit concerned as to why we have barely spoken since Easter Sunday, when he wished me Happy Easter, and now its Tuesday.

[smackie9]

Everyone FB stalks....it's cheaper than hiring a PI. IMO social media a great tool to use, and I myself would have done the same thing if it was available to me when I was dating. I wouldn't have confronted the guy, I would have just declined dating him. I can't stand complicated situations....such a waste of my time.

 

If I was single today, background checks would be on my list if I was interested in someone. Not just to see if they are married but also if they have a criminal record, history of domestic violence, claimed bankruptcy, etc.

 

And yes OP you are right, HE should be making an effort to get you to like him....pull the reins back and see if he steps up. If he doesn't, he was never worth it in the first place.

[amkxoxo]

Thanks for the reassurance. I don’t regret looking into him, but I do regret confronting him about it. My thing is, that if I didn’t confront him about it and then I didn’t find out the truth that he was not engaged, and just stopped talking to him, I may have missed out on an opportunity to meet someone great. He seems mature and wanting to get into the dating scene. In his profile he described wanting to meet a smart, motivated, funny girl, which seems to me that he wants a relationship.

 

I appreciate you reassuring me that he should be trying to win me over. I’m not a snob or expectant, but I don’t want to seem desperate or chase him either. I guess I’m a bit surprised that now that we planned a date, we aren’t going to speak until then? I mean it’s a whole week away. But I don’t know how this whole online dating thing works. Maybe I’m wrong. We planned something and so he doesn’t want meaningless texting until we meet and see how it goes?

 

I’m so nervous and excited. I haven’t been on a date or even kissed a man in over a year. I’m so scared that I will be such an awkward turtle on this date. What if I am nervous and don’t know what to say and it gets boring?

[d0nnivain]

I don’t regret looking into him, but I do regret confronting him about it. My thing is, that if I didn’t confront him about it and then I didn’t find out the truth that he was not engaged, and just stopped talking to him, I may have missed out on an opportunity to meet someone great.

 

 

* * *

 

I’m so nervous and excited. I haven’t been on a date or even kissed a man in over a year. I’m so scared that I will be such an awkward turtle on this date. What if I am nervous and don’t know what to say and it gets boring?

 

 

I think you were right to look him up & to talk to him about what you found. I had a similar thing when I met my EX. A search showed his address as being owned by Mr. & Mrs. When I asked I learned about their separation which I was then able to verify.

 

 

I didn't hear or perceive you to have confronted this guy, but rather talked to him. There is a world of difference between the two: Aggressive v. Inquisitive. One is OK; the other is not.

 

 

You won't be boring on the date. Think things through before you go. Have some conversation starters:

• pets
  
• what did you want to be when you grow up
  
• how'd you get into your present field
  
• local sports team's stats
  
• current events -- (march for science is this Saturday)
  
• beach v mountains
  
• dream vacation
  

 

Ask Qs. Be interested in the answers. You will be fine.

[PeanutMom]

Thank you for all the help and support. I am overthinking things. I misjudged him rather quickly. I think anyone would have been on the defensive when you saw he was engaged. I regret calling him out to begin with. He was so nice and still talked to me and got to know me and he seems like a mature guy. Where most guys would have thought it was creepy, he felt the need to explain himself to me and make the situation better instead. He wanted to make things right. I want to date and I'm so excited and nervous for this date. I'm getting way ahead of myself and I haven't even met the guy yet. I want him to like me.

 

Thats wrong. I should be thinking, he should be trying to get me to like him instead. Be more confident in myself. He will like me. I have a lot to offer.

 

I'm still a bit concerned as to why we have barely spoken since Easter Sunday, when he wished me Happy Easter, and now its Tuesday.

 

A guy you haven't even met is going out of his way to try and make things right? Red flag.

 

You seem insecure and naive. He is using that to his advantage. He is probably still engaged or at least involved with his ex and looking for some side action or he can't stand to be alone and is trying to secure something before he dumps her for good.