Should I be worried? [UPDATE: texting confusion]

[central]

When it comes to dating, it's too easy to jump to erroneous conclusions, and too many tend to be overly negative in their advice.

 

My policy is to give someone the benefit of the doubt and meet them if I find them interesting, and keep my eyes - and mind - open until there is a clear red flag.

[OatsAndHall]

Thank you for all the help and support. I am overthinking things. I misjudged him rather quickly. I think anyone would have been on the defensive when you saw he was engaged. I regret calling him out to begin with. He was so nice and still talked to me and got to know me and he seems like a mature guy. Where most guys would have thought it was creepy, he felt the need to explain himself to me and make the situation better instead. He wanted to make things right. I want to date and I'm so excited and nervous for this date. I'm getting way ahead of myself and I haven't even met the guy yet. I want him to like me.

 

Thats wrong. I should be thinking, he should be trying to get me to like him instead. Be more confident in myself. He will like me. I have a lot to offer.

 

I'm still a bit concerned as to why we have barely spoken since Easter Sunday, when he wished me Happy Easter, and now its Tuesday.

 

Nah... You didn't do anything wrong, honestly. It's always a smart idea to do some poking around before you go on a date. I had a stalker that I met on Match and I wish I would have Googled her name before I went out with her; she was up on charges for stalking and harassing her ex-husband and his girlfriend.

 

I would still beware of this guy.. He has two FB profiles, he didn't pull down the pics of his fiance from one and he's still friends with her.. That might not bode well in the long run. I took down all of the pics of my ex-wife when we divorced and all of the pics of my only serious girlfriend since the divorce. My ex girlfriend gave me a very nice, framed picture for my birthday this last year and I had taken a picture of it and posted it on FB. She was tagged in it so I figured it needed to come down. I didn't want to end up dating someone else and have them come across that pic and wonder if something was going on.

[coolheadal]

He has two face book profiles so one is what he had created for show and the other one for his engagement. Now that you know the truth about him why in the world are you still talking to him. Your dating outside his limits. So he won't take you to his favorite water hole. Lets say he's single and lets say he's still with this woman. So many men out there you can do better than him. He's hiding something, just not giving you 100%. Did he really offer you hiking for the first date. He's after something that your not ready for. Danger, Danger!

[amkxoxo]

He has two face book profiles so one is what he had created for show and the other one for his engagement. Now that you know the truth about him why in the world are you still talking to him. Your dating outside his limits. So he won't take you to his favorite water hole. Lets say he's single and lets say he's still with this woman. So many men out there you can do better than him. He's hiding something, just not giving you 100%. Did he really offer you hiking for the first date. He's after something that your not ready for. Danger, Danger!

 

One of the profiles is old. Looks like he used it in college and hasn't used it since, in over 4 years. The engaged one looks more relevant. He offered up hiking because we bonded online over us mutually liking going hiking. He loves it and so do I. It was something we both added to our profiles and talked about. That is why he offered it up as an option. He said he loves food so dinner is good for him, and when I mentioned lunch, he said if I was more comfortable with that then he was definitely down for that. Dinner worked better in my schedule, so that is what we went with.

[coolheadal]

One of the profiles is old. Looks like he used it in college and hasn't used it since, in over 4 years. The engaged one looks more relevant. He offered up hiking because we bonded online over us mutually liking going hiking. He loves it and so do I. It was something we both added to our profiles and talked about. That is why he offered it up as an option. He said he loves food so dinner is good for him, and when I mentioned lunch, he said if I was more comfortable with that then he was definitely down for that. Dinner worked better in my schedule, so that is what we went with.

 

Okay but is he over his ex though, have you ever asked him? You need to make it clear first. It's hard to just come out and say it but you need to make it clear!

[amkxoxo]

I questioned him about being with his ex and he claims they haven't been together in quite some time now. I think questioning him about if he is over her or not, is not really appropriate, especially when you are first getting to know someone. Its too deep and an invasion of privacy. He isn't engaged, and that for now is all I needed to know.

 

What confuses me is the sudden lack of communication. This is what I myself am struggling with. It makes absolutely no sense. Down to he was even telling me about how he has a wedding friday and a casino trip next weekend with his buddies for charity. Why even tell me about your life? He works with school children. At one point he was telling me all about an event they were having at the school and was going to send me pictures of it, but you can't sen pictures through match.

 

And now, nothing. I texted him at 2:50 PM Tuesday and now its Wednesday and nothing. Its so strange to me. I am giving him more time of course, but I don't have a good gut feeling I will hear from him. I just don't. I'm upset because I was so excited and anxious/nervous, but excited. I have been whitening my teeth, prepping myself and I am getting my hair done, all for this and for nothing if this doesn't pan out.

[PeanutMom]

Why are you putting so much thought and energy into this? You haven't even met this guy and it's already a lot of smoke and mirrors and clearly his behavior makes you feel insecure. This isn't going to end well. Relationships that start out hard don't get easy. Forget this guy and find someone who is actually available. There's nothing to be confused about. He isn't that into you and he's probably full of crap. Let it go.

[kendahke]

I questioned him about being with his ex and he claims they haven't been together in quite some time now. I think questioning him about if he is over her or not, is not really appropriate, especially when you are first getting to know someone. Its too deep and an invasion of privacy. He isn't engaged, and that for now is all I needed to know.

 

Being lied to unnecessarily is also a deep invasion of privacy. When you're first getting to know someone and they choose to let you believe something that isn't quite true about them, that is a problem--it's called deceit. His truth was other than what he led you to believe it was, so why do you feel he should be accorded any courtesy or benefit of the doubt when all he needed to do was just come clean about his truth from the start?

 

It is quite appropriate and relevant, unless you just need to be in a relationship with him.

 

If he's saying that his reason for the engagement pictures still being up is because he's cowed by having to answer questions about an engagement that failed, then that means he emotionally identifies and is still emotionally tied to this. Indifference at this point, which is where he should be if he's attempting to become involved with someone new, should be his attitude towards both the engagement, the photos being on facebook and the ex-fiancee.

 

 

What confuses me is the sudden lack of communication. This is what I myself am struggling with. It makes absolutely no sense. Down to he was even telling me about how he has a wedding friday and a casino trip next weekend with his buddies for charity. Why even tell me about your life? He works with school children. At one point he was telling me all about an event they were having at the school and was going to send me pictures of it, but you can't sen pictures through match.

 

And now, nothing. I texted him at 2:50 PM Tuesday and now its Wednesday and nothing. Its so strange to me. I am giving him more time of course, but I don't have a good gut feeling I will hear from him. I just don't. I'm upset because I was so excited and anxious/nervous, but excited. I have been whitening my teeth, prepping myself and I am getting my hair done, all for this and for nothing if this doesn't pan out.

 

People who traffic in deceit act like this.

 

I, for one, do not believe that he and his ex are over with one another, despite the performance he puts on for you. Every subsequent post you've made about him strengthens this feeling I have about him.

Edited April 19, 2017 by kendahke

[amkxoxo]

So he just responded to me finally. He apologized a ton and said he thinks there was a technical error with his phone.

 

I'm such a loser and need to stop overthinking!

[rester]

So he just responded to me finally. He apologized a ton and said he thinks there was a technical error with his phone.

 

I'm such a loser and need to stop overthinking!

 

I've been following this thread and was hoping and expecting this to have ended with you moving on from this guy. His phone had a "technical error"? This guy is lying all over the place and you are eating it up.

 

And let's say that he has been telling the truth. He still has his ex fiancé on his Facebook. "Saving face" is an okay excuse for a short time before he starts dating again. Now that he's dating this would be removed if he was truly moving on from his engagement. I don't think he's moved on at all.

 

Also, he is so scatterbrained that he forgot he had a wedding to go to. That doesn't add up.

 

I think this guy is full of excuses and he is keeping you around because you are buying them hook line and sinker.

 

If I were in your shoes I would cancel the date and find someone that respects you more. This guy sees you as easy prey in my opinion.

 

And FWIW, I am a very trusting individual so I understand why you want to believe him. The thing is though, that he is sending out untrustworthy signals all over the place and you are ignoring them because you want so badly for him to be interested in you.

 

Proceed with high caution, OP.

[rester]

I should be thinking, he should be trying to get me to like him instead.

 

Based on what you've written, this guy is doing the absolute bare minimum to try to get you to like him. He doesn't have to do much, does he? He knows this. He can ignore you and then apologize and you will accept that apology. He can make up an excuse about saving face and you will accept it.

 

He's been testing you, either subconsciously or (even worse) consciously, to see how little effort you will tolerate. Unfortunately for you he now knows you will tolerate quite a bit of low effort behavior.

[Zahara]

So he just responded to me finally. He apologized a ton and said he thinks there was a technical error with his phone.

 

I'm such a loser and need to stop overthinking!

 

BS. Proceed with caution. Lots of smoke and mirrors.

 

In addition, too much anxiety on your part after only one date and much talking on the phone. People can present themselves to be whatever it is they choose to be during the early stages. Take heed. There are too many flags popping up too soon.

[amkxoxo]

He has to re-schedule now again. Our original plan was for Friday and then he remembered he had a wedding to attend and it was a distance away. So he let me pick another day and seemed really into us making it happen just on a different night, and I said I was free Saturday so I picked that. So he said that seemed great. Now he is apologizing ten fold over and over and saying how he didn't know, but I guess some friends that are attending the wedding from far away want to spend all Saturday catching up with him and some other friends also attending this wedding. He said he didn't know they were staying around all Saturday, so he is afraid he won't make it back in time for our date and wants to pick another day. He then said "Is a week bad for you?"

 

Which I interpreted as next week during one of the weekdays. I responded saying I have classes Monday. He responded saying he is not free Wednesday. I then responded saying I am available Tues, Thurs, and Sunday of next week. Maybe Friday, but one of my friends from college might be coming around then so I'd have to check first.

 

To me, he has let me pick twice now, and he has had to re-schedule twice now, so he should take my schedule and pick a day and tell me when and where. This back and forth is exhausting.

 

I haven't heard back from him now in two hours. He's probably busy, which is fine, but this is getting frustrating. I'm on match.com to meet people and meet them in person. I was already talking to someone whom I liked who is in grad school 4 hours from here and has barely any time for me. I went on match to try and find someone who did have time who could hangout with me. It could just be a busy time of the year for him, which is fine, and I have things to do too, but if he re-schedules one more time after this, I think I'm going to probably move along.

[kendahke]

He has to re-schedule now again. Our original plan was for Friday and then he remembered he had a wedding to attend and it was a distance away. So he let me pick another day and seemed really into us making it happen just on a different night, and I said I was free Saturday so I picked that. So he said that seemed great. Now he is apologizing ten fold over and over and saying how he didn't know, but I guess some friends that are attending the wedding from far away want to spend all Saturday catching up with him and some other friends also attending this wedding. He said he didn't know they were staying around all Saturday, so he is afraid he won't make it back in time for our date and wants to pick another day. He then said "Is a week bad for you?"

 

Which I interpreted as next week during one of the weekdays. I responded saying I have classes Monday. He responded saying he is not free Wednesday. I then responded saying I am available Tues, Thurs, and Sunday of next week. Maybe Friday, but one of my friends from college might be coming around then so I'd have to check first.

 

To me, he has let me pick twice now, and he has had to re-schedule twice now, so he should take my schedule and pick a day and tell me when and where. This back and forth is exhausting.

 

I haven't heard back from him now in two hours. He's probably busy, which is fine, but this is getting frustrating. I'm on match.com to meet people and meet them in person. I was already talking to someone whom I liked who is in grad school 4 hours from here and has barely any time for me. I went on match to try and find someone who did have time who could hangout with me. It could just be a busy time of the year for him, which is fine, and I have things to do too, but if he re-schedules one more time after this, I think I'm going to probably move along.

 

 

 

Here's what's most likely is going on: Friday night are the stag/hen parties and Saturday is the wedding. He didn't want to say he was throwing your first meeting over for a stag party, so he lied.

 

Drip drip drip... the more you post about him...

[Cookiesandough]

This guy smells fishier with every new post!

[rester]

OP, if you accept these excuses it will never end even if you do get involved with him. I'm only posting again because I find it unbelievable that you would tolerate this. You are making yourself more and more available to him and in the process he is learning that you are a pushover. This is barreling downhill and you haven't even met yet. He's not worth any more of your time.

[Zahara]

but if he re-schedules one more time after this, I think I'm going to probably move along.

 

You should move along now. He's not the only man on Match. Just because you find some level of connection, it doesn't mean you ignore the red flags.

[PeanutMom]

Dear lord woman. How desperate are you?

 

A "technical error"? He's embarrassed to admit he's no longer engaged? He's cancelled multiple times?

 

Is this guy much better looking than the guys you typically date? What is the reason you are accepting this kind of behavior?

 

You need to work on your self worth before you start dating.

[amkxoxo]

Now I'm just confused. He texts me tonight continuing our conversation saying how he will have to let to know tomorrow about our plans for next week because next week his work is going to be a bit crazy.

 

Okay, I'm fine with that. In the past when he tells me he will let me know about something, he always has done it and told me when he said he was going to.

 

Then we start talking. He loves his dog. Its a puppy. I'm all for it. Its nice he has a dog. He's very proud of it. Then he starts telling me how he has been spending a lot of time with his dog this week and its been great and he even got to see his "first puppy" too.

 

I asked what he meant by that and he said "from my previous relationship."

 

So to me, it seems as though his ex-fiancee took the dog, so since he saw the dog recently, he must see her. Unless someone else took the dog.

 

Well then he starts sending me all pictures of his puppy with her dog. Saying how this picture is from a few weeks ago, and this picture is from today. They were cute and all, but what did he expect me to say to pictures of your dog cuddled with your ex's dog? And then I felt bad because its evident he still loves the old dog that she has. So most likely thats why he still sees it/her. He helped pick it out and raise it out of puppyhood to being a dog. He's talking up a storm about his new puppy and how much he loves it and then is sending me more pictures of just his new puppy. I was happy for him that he got this new dog and he was so proud because it was just his.

 

It was just odd. He barely asked me anything, was obsessed about talking about his dog. At one point he was like "did I show you the pictures at the dog park yet?" and he sends me pictures he took of the puppy at the dog park. Total he sent me like 5 pictures of the dog. I even made a joke with him and said he should change his profession to professional dog photographer. I mean it wasn't bad talking about his dog, but he bombarded me with pictures like a proud father. Its adorable for sure, but I'm sitting here like lets set a date.

 

It was cute. So I just kept going on the cute thing. But he kept bringing the conversation back to his dog. I started telling him about a cat I was going to adopt last year and he told me to tell him more about it, so I did, but he immediately started comparing it again to his dog. I've never met him or his dog, so I was running out of things to say. And like I was hoping the conversation topic would shift into something else. The things I said left the door open for it, but he didn't budge that much away from dogs. I wasn't really sure what to think of it.

 

I mean taking to him, he isn't a bad guy. He loves puppies and little kids. He seems kind. So I don't want to down him as a person.

[Zahara]

Are you even reading all the feedback that you're receiving? It's all going over your head. Red flags here and there but you're obliviously going on and on about him.

 

Why has one date gotten you so attached to this man? Where is your screening process? Where are your boundaries?

 

I know your past amkxoxo as I've posted/followed your other threads. Start taking the advice and start making better decisions for yourself. You should be evolving, not stagnating in past behaviors.

[amkxoxo]

I just get excited over meeting someone new and the fun and butterflies of it all. I am trying to break old unhealthy patterns. I have been seeing a psychologist/counselor, who has been helping me build up some confidence and break old patterns. I’m a lot healthier mentally than I was in the past. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. He loves dogs…is that a bad thing? I do think it’s not the best situation that he seems to still see his ex’s dog. But again, I don’t know the situation they have worked out. Maybe she brings it around every few weeks so he can see it, because it was his dog too. But at the same time, they broke up, you also need to move on, let her have the dog, and enjoy having your dog. He said getting his own new puppy helped him heal and acted as therapy through his hard times, I’m assuming he means his mental illness. I’m all for that. If it helped him heal, that’s great. And it seems to make him happy now, which again, is great.

 

I just feel like we can’t sit around talking and gushing over your dog forever through text. And I didn’t like when he said he has to see about next week, because his work might be slammed. He’s a school teacher for elementary school kids. He said because this week is school vacation week that next week is crazy when the kids come back. I mean, I work full time too, so I don’t understand how a teacher can be so slammed that they can’t fit in a 7pm dinner? The dog thing is strange, but the work thing is an excuse. Sh_t of give off the pot. Make the plan or not.

[Zahara]

I just get excited over meeting someone new and the fun and butterflies of it all.

 

This is the worst kind of approach when you are dealing with OLD. There are all kinds of people on there. People present themselves to be be anything they choose to be so running into it with fantasy thinking and getting overly excited/butterflies about meeting strangers you know nothing about is dangerous. You go in with a healthy set of boundaries. Using your head more than your heart. Some form of a screening process that keeps you grounded rather than giddy. Keeping expectations low and using it as a tool to meet people, taking it slow and using the process to make sure you are investing in people that are deserving of it.

 

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. He loves dogs…is that a bad thing?

 

These are strangers. You don't give them the benefit of the doubt when you see red flags. They're supposed to earn your trust. So far he has failed. He loves dogs? You're focusing on the wrong thing. Focus on the inconsistencies that he's presenting you. Who cares if he loves dogs and children? People can love children and dogs and still be toxic when it comes to other aspects of their lives.

 

You've attached to a situation that you already know is wrong for you. But your old patterns to cling is likely setting in. This is when you blind yourself from reality because you desperately want this man to want and validate you. What's disturbing is that you've placed so much of yourself in someone you don't even know.

Edited April 20, 2017 by Zahara

[kendahke]

I just get excited over meeting someone new and the fun and butterflies of it all. I am trying to break old unhealthy patterns. I have been seeing a psychologist/counselor, who has been helping me build up some confidence and break old patterns. I’m a lot healthier mentally than I was in the past. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. He loves dogs…is that a bad thing? I do think it’s not the best situation that he seems to still see his ex’s dog. But again, I don’t know the situation they have worked out. Maybe she brings it around every few weeks so he can see it, because it was his dog too. But at the same time, they broke up, you also need to move on, let her have the dog, and enjoy having your dog. He said getting his own new puppy helped him heal and acted as therapy through his hard times, I’m assuming he means his mental illness. I’m all for that. If it helped him heal, that’s great. And it seems to make him happy now, which again, is great.

 

I just feel like we can’t sit around talking and gushing over your dog forever through text. And I didn’t like when he said he has to see about next week, because his work might be slammed. He’s a school teacher for elementary school kids. He said because this week is school vacation week that next week is crazy when the kids come back. I mean, I work full time too, so I don’t understand how a teacher can be so slammed that they can’t fit in a 7pm dinner? The dog thing is strange, but the work thing is an excuse. Sh_t of give off the pot. Make the plan or not.

 

Why are you posting this to us instead of telling this guy this?

 

While you're at it, read my tag line

 

 

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[rester]

You haven't even met the guy. Benefit of the doubt can only go so far and he is far past the limit.

[AndOrchid]

Honestly, there is something sketchy in this situation. I wouldn't be surprised if he is still engaged.

 

But even if he is not, do you want a penpal relationship with this guy? Why do you keep texting him and talking to him when you have not even met in person yet? You are way too involved already and you don't even know him. And right now, it doesn't seem like he has any intention of meeting you. Stop interacting with him over text until he asks you out for a specific day and even then keep communication to a minimum until after you have met. Good luck.