Should I be worried? [UPDATE: texting confusion]

[GoneGirl32]

I mean, he does have a good sense of humor. He was teasing me earlier that day in text. Yes, he could be playing a huge trick right now, making me sweat it out. I thought about that.

 

I was talking to some friends and they agree that it was very clear I was joking, and my emojis added to the teasing element, but it was also very clear that I did feel bad and guilty if he did take things wrong and that neither one of those things is a bad thing to turn him off.

 

On second thought, in your case, I think he may in fact be looking for an out.

 

amk. do yourself a huge favor and let this go.

 

I mean, my lord, it's been one thing after the other since you first started chatting!

 

Enough is enough don't ya think?

 

Why are you hanging on to this?

 

Get back on line and forget this guy.

[kendahke]

After one date, don't make the mistake of believing you're anyone's priority or should be treated as such. You're still getting to know one another and have only seen one another once. You approached this as if he was your defacto boyfriend after one date and he's not--he's still getting to know you.

 

Clearly, he has a life going on and you're a recent addition to it--and it included plans with others he's not ready to introduce you to yet. Stop taking what he did at the coffee shop so personally. He squeezed you in before plans already in place--and that indicates interest--otherwise, this post would have been about how he went radio silent after hiking because he didn't want to squeeze in 5 minutes to see you.

 

All of his behavior after the coffee pretty much negates all of the fault finding you're trying to drum up about him. If you were just a one-off, he wouldn't have texted you at all until some time in the future when he was bored.

 

BTW, flirty and sassy might not work as well through text as it does in person or on the phone because of the lack of tone and inflection in the voice. It may have put him completely off, as it's a bit passive-aggressive if someone doesn't know you well enough to know that this is your MO. Your friends know you. This guy doesn't.

Edited May 2, 2017 by kendahke

[amkxoxo]

I just don’t know what to do about it now to fix it, in case I messed things up unintentionally.

 

He usually always texts me back, and talks to me during the day. I still have yet to hear from him.

[kendahke]

I just don’t know what to do about it now to fix it, in case I messed things up unintentionally.

 

He usually always texts me back, and talks to me during the day. I still have yet to hear from him.

 

Wait him out.

 

Give him til Thursday and suggest doing something this weekend. See what he says.

[amkxoxo]

He did start texting me. Told me he fell asleep and sorry for not responding. Then started asking how my day went. We've been talking on and off since. No more mention of seeing each other, yet, but in the past he does usually mention it.

 

I'm done being paranoid and obsessed. I'm done chasing him. Its unhealthy, stressful, and not worth my time and effort. I think I threw myself out there yesterday making it clear I was interested and I liked him and wanted to see him again. Now I need to pull back a bit and see what he does. Chasing has never ended well for me.

 

Our first date was so great and it seemed very positive. He was interested. We both had a great time. He kept questioning if I did, but I assured him that I did. He seems wavering now. Into it, then not as much. I can only just be me. He needs to not keep me hanging. Make a plan or don’t. Talk to me or don’t. Get to know me. Put effort in. I feel like I keep putting effort in and he’s going half, which is weird because he seemed very all in this past weekend, and then our second date was when he seemed distracted and a bit withdrawn. Maybe it’s just ebb and flow of things. He has depression and anxiety, so maybe that’s it. My ex would act withdrawn sometimes when he was a bit depressed

 

I tried to flirt with him yesterday to make more of a romantic connection. To make it known I was attracted to him. Since I feel like I hadn’t really done that. I wanted to be a little feminine and flirty to show I was physically attracted to him. I like physical contact. Hand holding, kissing, cuddling. And I’m in no rush for that, but I like that stuff so I tried to open the door, by joking that he better not tickle me etc… Knowing it would get him to think about touching me, even innocently. I don’t want to be friend zoned. I’m online looking for a man, not a friend.

[GoneGirl32]

amkxoxo, I am glad you have decided to pull back a bit, however, after reading ALL your threads and posts on this guy (including his hot/cold, push/pull behavior during the first week and even now, his two FB accounts, one showing him engaged and the other single, among many other things, my take is he is either (1) messing with you, or (2) has issues.

 

Neither of which make for a viable dating situation or relationship.

 

Since you SAY you are looking for a "relationship" -- a committed relationship - again, after everything you've gone through with him in the mere two weeks you've known him, I say ditch him and look for a more stable man who doesn't wind you up so much.

 

That would be the SMART thing to do, especially since you've been through this same thing many times over, only to have it end in heartbreak.

 

ETA: And this is just my opinion of course, but I thought his behavior on your one hour hiking excursion was rude and dismissive. I mean come on now, paying more attention to his DOG, on his phone texting, making plans with his friend, ignoring you, shooing you off like YOU were a dog, I am shocked you actually want to see him again, especially with all the other **** you've experienced with him in the short time you've known him.

 

This is NOT how a man behaves when interested in a woman, try and set higher standards for yourself.

 

Best of luck whatever you decide.

Edited May 2, 2017 by GoneGirl32

[amkxoxo]

Anxiety and attachment is something I have been heavily working on with my counselor. I still have work to do. I don't want to have this mental burden of overthinking and getting attached to what ifs. I need to live in the moment.

 

 

I just need to stop chasing, step back, and just be me. I'm done being paranoid and obsessed. I'm done chasing him. Its unhealthy, stressful, and not worth my time and effort. I think I threw myself out there yesterday making it clear I was interested and I liked him and wanted to see him again. Now I need to pull back a bit and see what he does. Chasing has never ended well for me in the past.

 

Our first date was so great and it seemed very positive. He was interested. We both had a great time. He kept questioning if I did, but I assured him that I did. He seems wavering now. Into it, then not as much. I can only just be me. He needs to not keep me hanging. Make a plan or don’t. Talk to me or don’t. Get to know me. Put effort in. I feel like I keep putting effort in and he’s going half, which is weird because he seemed very all in this past weekend, and then our second date was when he seemed distracted and a bit withdrawn. Maybe it’s just ebb and flow of things. He has depression and anxiety, so maybe that’s it. My ex would act withdrawn sometimes when he was a bit depressed

 

I tried to flirt with him yesterday to make more of a romantic connection. To make it known I was attracted to him. Since I feel like I hadn’t really done that. I wanted to be a little feminine and flirty to show I was physically attracted to him. I like physical contact. Hand holding, kissing, cuddling. And I’m in no rush for that, but I like that stuff so I tried to open the door, by joking that he better not tickle me etc… Knowing it would get him to think about touching me, even innocently. I don’t want to be friend zoned. I’m online looking for a man, not a friend.

 

I'm struggling to keep my emotions in check. Its hard. I'm an anxious person. I get attached and self conscious and insecure. I was fine, until the second date didn't seem to go well, and then all my insecurity about myself bubbled to the surface. I started second guessing everything and freaking out. I started blaming myself and went into defense mode. I was explaining our date to my girl friend and she thought it sounded fine and maybe I was juste exaggerating it in my head. Now I'm confused and unsure. She thinks he really likes me still and he seems anxious and doesn't want to be pushy or scare me away, so he's being extra chill, which is making me crazy. She thinks that he likes me, because he definitely didn't have to ask me to coffee after the hike, and he definitely didn't have to start talking about future dates yesterday like we did. He was firing off all these ideas of what we could do together. And she even reminded me that the night after our great first date he asked me to his house to order food and watch netflix. I didn't go, but she thinks he meant it harmlessly and the fact that he wanted to see me so soon was a good sign. She thinks he sounds plenty interested, if he's doing that. I guess I just feel like if someone likes me, or thought maybe they did, they would want to talk more and see me as soon as they could. She said yes, but that maybe he's anxious about it so isn't pushing it. I don't know if she is right or wrong. But I need to be confident and have standards intact. I start chasing the moment I feel insecure like I am losing them. Its wrong, and I'm trying so hard to reverse this behavior, because it always ruins things for me.

 

I want him to know the real me for me. I'm fun, smart, quirky, and cute. I have a lot to offer. He should value that. I want things to be mutual too. Like we mutually make plans and it should be a good balance. My friend also reminded me that its okay to not talk or see each other every single day. Its new and we still don't know each other that well. I'm just being insecure and thinking if I don't hear from him that things are bad and he doesn't like me, which isn't true. Balance is hard. I'm either all in and clingy, or disinterested. I need a good balance of both and I struggle with how. I don't want to seem uninterested, but I go all girly and desperate when I try to show some interest. I'm struggling with this.

 

I just need to focus on my life and me. I'm trying so hard. If I do that then my emotions will be more stable.

[kendahke]

You do understand he has a life, a job, etc., going on and he's only been dealing with you for a very short amount of time, right?

 

Like I said earlier, you're approaching this as if he's your defacto boyfriend and he owes you all this consideration when he doesn't. You're just a girl that he barely knows, but is in the process of getting to know her. That's it.

 

Instead of clocking him constantly, why not fill up your life with your interests so that you don't have the time to sit around obsessing when he's going to text or call?

 

I'm an anxious person. I get attached and self conscious and insecure.

 

...and none of these are his heavy lift. These are things you need to get under control before you enter into the dating scene because no guy who is emotionally healthy and whole is going to want to have to deal with a fragmented person when he doesn't have to. You need to be whole; perhaps what you need more than a boyfriend right now is a therapist to give you coping strategies to help you get these issues under control.

Edited May 3, 2017 by kendahke

[amkxoxo]

We were texting yesterday. He asked about our plan for this Saturday.

 

Now we had mentioned doing something, but we never said a date or time.

 

I asked him what he meant. He said for us to go do the activity we had talked about. Then he upfront tells me how he and his buddy are probably going to be day drinking and then going to see a movie they both really want to see, so he and I will have to do our activity and maybe lunch before that.

 

To me, that was very clearly stating his priority for the day. Like let me squeeze you in and then I'm going out with my friend. It was like him taking off on our last date for his buddy.

 

I was not happy with this. I have to drive a distance to see him, and I'm being rushed off because he has plans with his friend. I'm not a doormat. And I will not be brushed off like our coffee/hiking date. Plus, it seems ridiculous to have to go there early Saturday morning, and have to leave by lunch time because he has plans. And then I think if we take long doing our activity, he is kind of saying how we probably might be able to do lunch. I appreciate that he wants to do lunch too, it’s more of a date that way. But he should be saying "I want to do this activity with you and then we can grab lunch. After lunch I do have a plan with someone so I will have to run."

 

It’s like he only does what we can fit in, when he should be making a plan and when he is done with me, then we part ways.

 

Our activity is not something that is a morning activity. And I work all week. Maybe I want to sleep in for once. I thought we would spend some quality time together. I could get there in the afternoon, see his house etc... we could go have some fun, and then maybe grab some dinner. Make a day of it. I'm not driving 45 minutes for a few hours. Seems a little ridiculous.

 

I told him that it "seems as though you are busy with plans already, so it doesn't sound like we will have enough time to do what was mentioned." And then I told him "I don't like to rush, especially on the weekends. "

 

He said okay, and then said he has to check with his buddy about their plans and see what can be done, and if need be we can move ours to Sunday to have more time. I appreciate that he wanted to find a good solution to this. I never responded. He texted me early this morning saying that Saturday is clear and we are set to go.

 

I'm glad I said something. My new mantra to myself is "I am not a doormat." I'm a nice person, sometimes too nice, and I can't be. Because guys treat me like a doormat.

 

I deserve some time and respect from someone I'm going out with.

 

He just told me that his buddy has to work Saturday so that is why we have more time together. Again, not even sure how I feel about this. Maybe I am overthinking this and he is giving me time and effort, or at least he thinks he is no his end. He is a dude and probably just thinks ‘Oh I will spend some time with her in the morning on a date and then friend in the afternoon.’ Am I expecting too much of him perhaps?

 

It wasn't the aspect that we have to spend the entire day together and it has to be long. I just know with our last date that it was rushed and he ran off as soon as he had other plans. It made the date rushed and tense and not free and fun. If I drive there, I like to make the most of my time. I still have to talk to him about logistics and such. This could take 3-4 hours or so and if things are going well maybe more time if we both seem to enjoy it. Not, "Oh that was fun, I gotta run now, bye."

 

I just didn't like the idea of having to get up early, drive there, and then do the activity in the morning and wolf down a quick lunch and then I take off because he's going to drink with his buddy? Seemed not right to me. Our first date was so great because he had nowhere to be and neither did I. We could just enjoy each other’s company. I've dated many different guys in the past, and once you meet and seem to like each other, then they want to see you regularly, to get to know you and just be around you. I am maintaining my friendships and lifestyle, but I am also prioritizing time to see him and grow possibly closer. Like next weekend, I know I have plans for a whole day and a half and won't be around, because a friend of mine is visiting from out of town. But I know that I will try to make the time I do have free that weekend to see him. But again, I have been planning my friend to come to town for a long while and she's going to be staying with me. It’s a substantial plan. I don't not see him so I can drink with some buddies.

 

I’m very unsure of how to feel about this strange planning he does? I mean he has only been with the same woman since high school, and they were engaged. He has probably never dated anyone else. He might not even realize what he is even doing?

[Zahara]

He just told me that his buddy has to work Saturday so that is why we have more time together.

 

It's very simple. When a man is interested in you, they show you with effort and proper planning. He makes time for you. He puts his best foot forward. He wants to prioritize you.

 

When a man in semi/uninterested, he slots you in when there are options. I have to wonder if he's keeping you in his sights and giving you the bare minimum to help him get to where he wants.

 

If his buddy wasn't working, drinking with his friends would have taken precedence over you.

 

I am not sure why you choose to cling so intensely to this one guy. Don't place so much focus on the superficial interest that you have in him but rather focus on what you desire from a man in terms of how you would like to be courted and what core values and qualities he brings to the table. Then you'll stop chasing men and trying so hard to be validated because you know what you truly deserve and won't settle for anything less.

 

This guy has had issue are issue since you started with him. At one point do you notice the inconsistencies -- ever wonder what it would be like months into this? What would his behavior entail if pre-date 2 you're already on LS breaking your brain about him?

[introverted1]

Is this the guy with two separate Facebook profiles, who may well still be engaged to or entangled with his "ex"? The guy whose status still says "engaged"?

 

It sounds to me that he is squeezing you in when he can. Whether his main time is being spent with a buddy or another woman -- like his fiancee -- you are clearly not his priority.

 

Why are you even contemplating continuing with this? Ten pages from now the only way this story will have changed is that you find out about the other woman.

[kendahke]

but we never said a date or time.

 

Stop leaving plans nebulous. When you two are suggesting something, nail down a time and date. Don't ever leave to where he's asking if you two have plans. You both should be clear on the next time you are seeing each other--when and where.

 

Am I expecting too much of him perhaps?

 

I think that you are expecting too much way too soon. You've only gone on one date with him and you're acting like he's your boyfriend and you two have had a relationship discussion. Has he said he wants to date you and get in a relationship with you?

 

I deserve some time and respect from someone I'm going out with.

 

And he deserves to pursue his interests until he's made it clear that he wants to take things further with you. Until that talk has happened, curb your expectations.

 

Make it your policy to speak up and make concrete plans. If you're not speaking up, don't expect him to read your mind. That's what's been tripping you up this whole time. If he's not closing the deal, you need to step up and do that. If you don't want to do that, then this isn't the guy you need to dating because he's not going to arse himself that way.

 

Zahara nails this point:

If his buddy wasn't working, drinking with his friends would have taken precedence over you.

 

 

People treat you the way they feel about you and he feels that you are the runner up/plan b. If you hadn't pressed him about going out and his boy still cancelled, what are the chances he was going to call you to go do something Saturday?

Edited May 4, 2017 by kendahke

[Dis]

No...just, no

 

This was a no from the start

 

And its still a no

 

There was nothing good about this guy from the start

 

Cut him lose already

[Gaeta]

Why has this gone for 6 pages, isn't the guy engaged

 

amkxoxo: You asked at the beginning of your thread who would be engaged and pay a match subscription? the answer is plenty of men! and I know one of those men personally. A long time friend of mine was engaged for a year when I found him online! advertising himself as single and looking for a long term relationship. I fell off of my chair when I saw him! His FB was full of pictures of them together. When I confronted him he gave me a story that they were broken up but he didn't want to take the pictures down yet because he didn't want to deal with all the questionning.

 

Turns out his fiancée didn't even know they were broken up ...........................................I was so mad I defriend him and never spoke to him after this. The net if FULL of men and women misrepresenting themselves and this guy is one of them.

 

When you meet someone worthy it will unfold effortlessly. Everything will feel natural and smooth and there will not be any anxiety or worry.

[kendahke]

When you meet someone worthy it will unfold effortlessly. Everything will feel natural and smooth and there will not be any anxiety or worry.

 

So true. This is my reality right now.

[Zahara]

When you meet someone worthy it will unfold effortlessly. Everything will feel natural and smooth and there will not be any anxiety or worry.

 

Just as Kendahke mentioned -- I second.

[amkxoxo]

So an update on my story. We did the first date which was fantastic, we did the second more awkward hiking date, but I have done a lot of thinking about it and now that I know him more, I think it was hard and awkward having the dog. He had to pay attention to his dog the whole time, because he is a puppy and needed constant help and supervision. I think it would have been better if it was just he and I.

 

I now know that he was with his high school sweetheart for over 10 years. They were living together and engaged, and they broke things off early in the year. He said it’s all in the past and he’s ready to move on. He told me he hopes it doesn’t concern me. It didn’t. I was happy he hadn’t been with a lot of women, as I myself had only been in one serious thing myself. He then opened up to me that last year he struggled with anxiety and depression. He was put on medication and he’s been doing good. He sees a therapist which has helped him. He said one night he went to his friend’s house. The medication was new, he had a few beers. It reacted badly to the medication and he ended up getting into a car accident. They charged him with a DUI. He was not severely drunk at all, it was the medication that reacted and made him not coherent to drive. He was charged. He now attends classes once a week to meet with a group on drinking and driving and he is required by the court to have a breathalyzer on his car for one year. He said he definitely learned his lesson. If he drinks one drink his car won’t start. If he eats super spicy food, he can’t start his car. He said it looks for traces of alcohol and things found in alcohol like wheat found in beers. So even if he doesn’t drink sometimes its sensitive and he can’t drive. I commended him for telling me about such personal matters right away. He seemed respectful and genuine to me. I didn’t judge him. I myself have anxiety and I also myself have a minor speeding driving charge. He and are both highly college educated people, who got into a bad situation at some point. Who am I to judge? As long as he treated me well, which he did, I was fine with it.

 

A week after hiking we planned our third date. I drove up to his house 45 minutes away. He warned me ahead of time that he still lives in the apartment his ex and he shared. And that there is still stuff left over of hers there. He told me that he was in the process of moving out because he couldn’t afford the lease on his own, and she was going to move back in since she could afford it.

 

When I arrived he was right, there was boxes of his stuff packed up, and stuff everywhere that needed to be packed. He was moving. It did look like she left stuff there. Girly decorations and photos left around of hers. But it looked like she hadn’t lived there in a long time, as the bathroom and kitchen to me looked like a guy had been living there. I’ve been in enough guy man dorms in college to know if a girl lived there and if a guy did. He definitely had been there for a long time by himself.

 

He took me gun shooting. We had a great time. He got to show me how to shoot and touching my arms. I think it was a good third date as it got us physical in a fun way. He then suggested we go back to his house and make dinner. He cooked me a nice dinner, and we sat outside and talked. Again, a good date. When it got to the point where I was going to leave we finally kissed. We ended up making out. It was nice. The physical chemistry was there.

 

We planned a fourth date and we got more flirty through text message. He called me on the phone and we planned him coming to my house. He started saying on the phone how he can’t come empty handed and started asking what I liked wine? Flowers? Etc? I told him that was so nice and I didn’t expect that. I was heavily surprised when he showed up and didn’t bring anything. We walked around a nearby lake and then went and got take out and took it back to my house. We ended up cuddled on my couch and then making out heavily. This was on a Tuesday.

 

I noticed at this point that our texting was becoming a bit less. We went from chatting all day every day at work, to making small talk about our days and only using texting to make plans together.

 

We made another plan for the weekend. Our fifth date. It was raining so we decided to stay in at his place. When I got there his dog was all over me loving me. He walked over laughing at him. Saying “You like her boy, yeah you like her, I like her too.” And he looks at me with this adorable grin. We order some food, and I drive us to pick it up. We sing in the car and have a good time. He grabs my purse from me and holds it in his lap, saying he knows how this all works.

 

It’s raining still so he insists I stay in the car while he gets all wet getting the food. He says I can repay him by kissing him before, during, and after dinner. Throughout the time he keeps telling me he likes me and I’m so pretty. It’s very evident he is into me. We sit on the couch cuddled up after we eat. We turn on a movie, we pause a few times for some making out time. Then he turns me to face him and says he wants to make sure we are on the same page.

 

He says “You don’t want to get married tomorrow right?” We laughed and I said no. He then told me he doesn’t want to rush into anything emotionally and that he is emotionally fragile and nervous. He said it might take him some more time to open up and he hopes I can be patient with him. He said when he really likes someone he gets really attached quickly and falls hard and gets all soft and mushy so he wants to take things slow. I agreed. He then said he is okay with physical stuff, being naked, and other things, but he said he doesn’t want to have intercourse until we are in a relationship. I agreed and said I felt the same way. He said he is definitely more emotionally fragile than I was. He said he loves monogamy and isn’t into hookup culture at all and has never done that. He said he likes relationships and being with one person. I asked him if he was seeing/talking to anyone else, he said no.

 

We bonded over the fact that we had each only been with one person. He knew word for word things I wrote on my dating profile like he studied it and we talked a lot about our pasts and dating. I said I had been out on dates here and there with people I met in school or through friends, but there just wasn’t a spark there and it never went anywhere. He said he felt the same way. He said he went on a few dates with people from online. He said sometimes even walking up to the person it was clear they were never going to see each other again after the date. He said he had the same problem, just nothing there between anyone and him. He told me how he loves being naked and cuddling and he’s such a huge touchy cuddle bug. He loves being close in that way. I agreed. He said he was in no rush for anything to happen, and we weren’t having sex, which I agreed on. I planned on not sleeping together fully until I had some type of commitment, so it was great that we agreed on that.

 

We ended up heavily making out on his couch, and then he asked if I wanted to go to his room because we’d have more space to cuddle and make out. We went to his room. Clothes came off, we ended up naked. We did a lot of kissing, making out, and orall sexx. It was very mutual. We laughed and talked and cuddled in between. It got later and later. Past midnight. It got to the awkward, do I stay or do I go part? He and I were both very undecided. We both laughed saying how we never expected this to happen and neither one of us knew how to navigate this. Neither one of us could make a decision. It was so late, I ended up just staying. We cuddled all night. It was great. We woke up, fooled around more, and were both pretty happy. He offered to take me to breakfast, but it was Sunday- mother’s day- so I told him I would rather go and do it with my mom. He was fine with that. We parted ways and I spent the day with my mom. His house is halfway between my house and my parents’ house. He texted me later in the afternoon asking when I was leaving my parents to head home. I told him around 6pm. He then told me I should make a pit stop at his house if I want, since its halfway there. So I stopped on my way. He offered me dinner but I declined because I already ate. He wanted to see me again which I thought was really cute.

 

We started this joke that he is only my “Tuesday guy”, since he came to my house on Tuesday for the first time. We joke like we have all these people for every day of the week, but in reality we both laugh together and say we have no idea what we are doing, because we have never been with anyone else except the one person we both each had. He then joked with me saying “Well I’m your Tuesday guy, and you are my Saturday and Sunday girl.” It was really cute.

 

We watched a movie on the couch cuddled up. We talked. Then we ended up upstairs in his bed naked and fooling around again. No sexual intercourse. He then said he would literally just pay someone to cuddle him, and how he would love it. Then he says, “But I mean its way better when it’s with someone you are starting to care for.” I told him that I like that we are on the same page and I am okay with not rushing into anything, but I also don’t want to wait forever. He said he understood. I also told him how we aren’t just going to hangout in bed all the time, as I am not just some girl to do that with. He laughed at me, and told me that he doesn’t think I’m just some girl, as I was only with one person in my past, and had not been with anyone in over a year. And he again said how he likes relationships and monogamy and not just hookups. I told him I want to continue to go out on dates and do fun stuff together out. He said he totally agreed and he was on board. He reminded me that he likes monogamy and relationships so he wants to do all that stuff too. He joked that as long as we end up naked after our dates sometimes.

 

It got late, midnight again. Then it was again the struggle of if I stay or go. I was kind of tired so I kind of wanted to stay, but since it was a work night, I got the vibe he wanted me to go, so I went home.

 

I then noticed our texting becoming really lacking after this weekend. I figured we didn’t really have anything to talk about since we spent a huge part of our weekend together. Texting for guys doesn’t mean as much so I tried not to take this personally. Now it’s gotten to the point where we don’t really text at all, only to make plans or check in about our days, but no real communication as in talking about things. He will tell me he is really tired and I will tell him something about work and then we either make plans or it drops off until we make plans. He often times calls me to make plans with me on the phone. Monday night, the day after he texts me around 8pm telling me he wants me to come over. I am hanging out with friends and tell him I am having a girls night. He says “So I am not going to see you tonight?”

 

I say no and tell him I am not leaving my friend to drive 45 mins to see him.

 

I texted him the Tuesday after asking him if he is still going to be my Tuesday guy, as a joke? He told me we have to re-schedule and he has so much to do for work Tuesday and Wednesday. I said okay and was fine with it. He told me we would figure something out. Wednesday he talked to me about his day but nothing about plans. Thursday he started texting me about what my plans were for the weekend. I tell him I am free except for Saturday, because it’s my brothers birthday. He tells me he is officially moving on Saturday to a new place. He goes on to tell me this new condo is across the street from his mother’s house. He tells me he will most likely be coming my way a lot more to my house because he doesn’t want me to be parking down the road. He says his mother is nosy and will see my car outside his house for a long time, and especially if it stays there all night. I understand he might not want to tell his mom he is seeing someone yet, since we aren’t in a relationship, but I thought this was weird because who says I’m going to be staying over all the time? I can come for a few hours during the day and leave.

 

He then says he is trying to see what time he has for the weekend. And isn’t sure about us seeing each other and he might be able to come my way Saturday night. I remind him of my brothers birthday and he says “Oh yeah. I forgot.” Then he says he may not be able to make it down to see me until the weekend after. I was a bit shocked by this. A whole week away?

 

We make no plans. I make plans with my girl friend Thursday night to walk by the lake. My girl friend says she has to leave by 7:30Pm. I get a call on my phone from him. He is begging me to come over. I tell him I have plans with my friend. He tells me to cancel. I say no. He tells me to come after 7:30. I’m stuck. He tells me he should have never let me leave Sunday night. He tells me he was sitting last night thinking how he wished I was there next to him.

 

I don’t want to accept last minute plans, and won’t. I didn’t Monday, but I do want to see him. He’s buttering me up and telling me how he really wants to see me and he’s sorry its last minute. He is afraid he won’t be able to see me on the weekend wants to see me now so he can see me. He tells me he wants me to stay over. I tell him it’s a work night. He tells me to take a day off the next day. I tell him to take a day. He says he can’t. I tell him I can’t either. He finally convinces me so after my walk with my friend, I drive to him. He get there. He is eating his dinner late. I play with the dog. Soon after he comes over starts kissing me and pushing me towards his room. He tells me to set my alarm for 6AM, thus me staying there for sure. We get all hot and heavy. He goes down on me and vice versa. It gets late around midnight and he suddenly seems unsure about me staying there. He says how it’s a work night and how maybe we shouldn’t make this a habit and how we should reserve this for weekends only. I tell him it makes me feel weird and like I should leave. I tell him I wouldn’t have come all that way to have to turn around and drive home and now its late and it was storming out. He tells me to stay and its fine and he doesn’t care and it’s all up to what I am comfortable with. I felt bad, because I felt like I was putting guilt on him and pressuring him into letting me stay. I tell him this. He tells me he is just being anxious and nervous. I ask him about what, and he say just being emotionally fragile. We talk and eventually fall asleep. We are learning more and more about each other this way, naked and vulnerable. You can only just be yourself, which is nice. He started asking me if I was on the pill. I said yes and he said good. Then he asks if my ex and I always used condoms, I said yes again, and he says “good girl.” And he says how since he and I have only been with the one person each and we are clean, that we won’t be spreading things to each other.

 

I commend him for being smart, and asking these things. Its responsible and important. I hadn’t asked them because we agreed no sex until relationship and us going slow, meant to me that we weren’t going to be official anytime soon. But if we aren’t in a relationship and aren’t having sex anytime soon, why ask these things? I’m sticking to my standards of not doing it until we are more serious.

 

Then I got nervous about us fooling around and orall sexx. I told him I want to do things and continue to date too. He says he wants to also, and that he wants to come down and spend time with me and go to the lake, but that maybe after we could end up in bed. One of my girl friends who has been in a 4 year relationship told me this is normal. That the first few months she and her guy dated and were together they were always in his room fooling around. It was exciting and new and you got to know the person better, being so open and vulnerable with them. She said they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other. This made me feel better.

 

I end up staying. It was so late. I was tired, and it was raining buckets out. We wake up super early. We part ways. I got to work and he to work.

 

I text him later in the day telling him I had a good time with him and I hope his moving Saturday goes smoothly. Now he says funny things to me often. Nicknames and funny little things. Like he likes to call me “Homegirl.” But he responds saying “Sounds good amigo, I will keep you posted.”

 

I found this to be a weird response.

 

Later in the day I am driving to my parents for the birthday party the next day. I end up in bumper to bumper traffic. I call him and ask if he wants to grab some dinner with me to get me off the road, and I was right near his area, trying to get to my parents’ house. He says he can’t because he is hanging out with his college buddy, but says how my offer is very tempting. I say okay, and how I figured I would ask just to see. He says “No no. I’d love it. Just might be weird if you and I are hanging and my buddy and I are being boys.”

 

I tell him to “go enjoy your dude time.”

 

This was texting. I never heard back from him since. It’s now Monday midday and I haven’t gotten one thing from him and we have no future plans. Its driving me crazy. I get anxious when I am unsure of things and have no plans. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, figuring he is moving and is getting adjusted to his new place and his dog, and he said now that he is across from his mother he will have to spend more time with family, which isn’t his favorite thing to do. But it’s been nothing Saturday, Sunday, and now Monday. I’m nervous for sure. All my friends think he really likes me and I’m being paranoid. I don’t know what to think.

[Zahara]

I then noticed our texting becoming really lacking after this weekend. I figured we didn’t really have anything to talk about since we spent a huge part of our weekend together.

 

It's unfortunate that this is the sort of views you have in terms of how two people cultivate a relationship. You've set low standards for yourself.

 

This isn't an update. This is just the same cycle of disinterest.

 

You both don't even have the ability to communicate over a phone call! Texting only when making plans?

 

When a man is interested in you, he makes an effort and he makes time.

 

You insist on latching on. If this is what you are experiencing now, trust it isn't going to get any better.

[amkxoxo]

It's unfortunate that this is the sort of views you have in terms of how two people cultivate a relationship. You've set low standards for yourself.

 

This isn't an update. This is just the same cycle of disinterest.

 

You both don't even have the ability to communicate over a phone call! Texting only when making plans?

 

When a man is interested in you, he makes an effort and he makes time.

 

You insist on latching on. If this is what you are experiencing now, trust it isn't going to get any better.

 

 

We do talk on the phone. We actually have lots of fun talking and chemistry is there. He often calls me and we talk when making plans. Just sometimes during the day we text to plan and talk because we are both at work and can't be chatting away. When he and I do talk on the phone, its always good.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, he did tell you he was going to take it slow. He is still fresh out of a very long and serious relationship. That takes time to adjust to and he might be finding he's not ready for anything serious. His actions seem to be reflecting that, anyway.

 

Even if he wanted out of the engagement too, there is still a learning curve when the move-out actually happens. Speaking from experience, that's when it truly hits that a significant chapter of your life is over. My sense is he's having some mixed feelings about this big change and starting something new with you. Has he deleted his engaged status of FB yet?

 

All you can do is sit back and observe, and not get overly-invested just yet. If you're looking for more certainty and security, you might be better off with a man who has been single longer, or at least one that isn't so recently out of such a long-term relationship. I am getting the impression that he does like you but still has unfinished emotional business regarding his previous relationship.

[Zahara]

I noticed at this point that our texting was becoming a bit less. We went from chatting all day every day at work, to making small talk about our days and only using texting to make plans together.

 

This.

 

I then noticed our texting becoming really lacking after this weekend. I figured we didn’t really have anything to talk about since we spent a huge part of our weekend together. Texting for guys doesn’t mean as much so I tried not to take this personally. Now it’s gotten to the point where we don’t really text at all, only to make plans or check in about our days, but no real communication as in talking about things.

 

This.

 

When two people are truly interested in each other, this and this does not happen. It sounds very shallow and lazy. I don't think you both are on the same page.

Edited May 22, 2017 by Zahara

[amkxoxo]

OP, he did tell you he was going to take it slow. He is still fresh out of a very long and serious relationship. That takes time to adjust to and he might be finding he's not ready for anything serious. His actions seem to be reflecting that, anyway.

 

Even if he wanted out of the engagement too, there is still a learning curve when the move-out actually happens. Speaking from experience, that's when it truly hits that a significant chapter of your life is over. My sense is he's having some mixed feelings about this big change and starting something new with you. Has he deleted his engaged status of FB yet?

 

All you can do is sit back and observe, and not get overly-invested just yet. If you're looking for more certainty and security, you might be better off with a man who has been single longer, or at least one that isn't so recently out of such a long-term relationship. I am getting the impression that he does like you but still has unfinished emotional business regarding his previous relationship.

 

Yes, he made it a point to tell me last week that he de-activated his facebook altogether. He said he didn't have any pictures of just him to be posting up, so since a majority of his pictures were with her he decided to just take it down as a whole.

 

I thought this was a good thing/sign. He doesn't want him and her online anymore for people to see, and he didn't feel he had any good photos to put so instead of leaving it up, he took it down so people didn't see it anymore. He also thought it important to tell me so, as it was randomly brought up on his part.

 

I have looked online and he did. Its gone.

 

Thanks for this. I am sitting here thinking he is getting adjusted to moving out. But I never really considered the emotional side of moving out for him. Makes me have more sympathy. I've been there. I still get flashback memories when I ride by my ex’s dorm, where we spent lots of time together. I’m totally over him now, but I cannot imagine having to move out of the place where you and she were supposed to be married.

 

I want so badly to go slow and give him time and not pressure him. I do like him too and think we could have something good potentially. I guess I just don’t know how. I feel I have been single for a long time now, and worked through a lot to get to a secure place in my life, where I am open and ready for a relationship. I think that is why he said I am less emotionally fragile than him. He sees I am more ready for a relationship. I am unsure how to navigate waiting around and giving someone patience and space, when I am ready now? I mean I don’t want to pressure someone into being with me. He seems to like me. The going slow part I am so unsure how to do? When I like someone I am all in and wanting to jump head first. I literally think about him and us and overthink constantly. How do I give him space, time, and patience, while also continuing to see him and be myself without over worrying?

Edited May 22, 2017 by amkxoxo

[d0nnivain]

Just give him a call & ask how he's settling in. Stop overthinking this.

 

 

That said, there are a number of things here that you found endearing but would have me heading for the hills. Please be careful because there are red flags you are ignoring:

 

 

* It's only May. "Earlier this year" he ended a 10 year LTR where he & the woman were engaged. He claims to love monogamy. I see that as he's afraid to be alone. For him to be dating you already screams REBOUND.

 

 

* On the 2nd date he told you his psychiatric diagnoses. I'

m

not judging. I'

m

in therapy too but I certainly wouldn't announce that to a new

SO

on date two. This man has no boundaries.

 

 

* The DWI. He's making excuses. The beers alone put him over the limit. It wasn't the beers & the new meds. Plus the meds tell you not to drive. He was grossly negligent & is still refusing to take responsibility for his own bad choices. He's incredibly lucky that his accident didn't result in someone's death & him facing vehicular homicide charges. Do not downplay this.

 

You are playing with fire here. If you want to take things slow & you don't want to have sex until you are in a relationship keep your clothes on & stay out of his bed, especially while naked. His questions about condom use & health indicate he wants sex soon. If you keep getting naked with him, you will be back here crying that sex "just happened". It didn't. It was your choice to get undressed & into bed. Also if you don't want sex, stop the sleepover & near sleepovers.

 

 

You are also being hypocritical about last minute invites. When he asked you to come over after seeing your friends you balked on principle but then when you were stuck in traffic you expected him to drop everything for you at the last minute.

[amkxoxo]

Just give him a call & ask how he's settling in. Stop overthinking this.

 

 

That said, there are a number of things here that you found endearing but would have me heading for the hills. Please be careful because there are red flags you are ignoring:

 

 

* It's only May. "Earlier this year" he ended a 10 year LTR where he & the woman were engaged. He claims to love monogamy. I see that as he's afraid to be alone. For him to be dating you already screams REBOUND.

 

 

* On the 2nd date he told you his psychiatric diagnoses. I'

m

not judging. I'

m

in therapy too but I certainly wouldn't announce that to a new

SO

on date two. This man has no boundaries.

 

 

* The DWI. He's making excuses. The beers alone put him over the limit. It wasn't the beers & the new meds. Plus the meds tell you not to drive. He was grossly negligent & is still refusing to take responsibility for his own bad choices. He's incredibly lucky that his accident didn't result in someone's death & him facing vehicular homicide charges. Do not downplay this.

 

You are playing with fire here. If you want to take things slow & you don't want to have sex until you are in a relationship keep your clothes on & stay out of his bed, especially while naked. His questions about condom use & health indicate he wants sex soon. If you keep getting naked with him, you will be back here crying that sex "just happened". It didn't. It was your choice to get undressed & into bed. Also if you don't want sex, stop the sleepover & near sleepovers.

 

 

You are also being hypocritical about last minute invites. When he asked you to come over after seeing your friends you balked on principle but then when you were stuck in traffic you expected him to drop everything for you at the last minute.

 

He was the one that said he didn't want to have sex until we were in a relationship. I agreed, because it is my thoughts exactly too. He said he was okay with all the other stuff, naked, touching, oral etc.... I see what you are saying though. Its not that I didn't enjoy the stuff we did and wouldn't mind doing it again, but I want more eventually emotionally, a relationship, where we can have physical and emotional. My girl friend said when she and her now boyfriend started dating, the first few months they were always in his bedroom. Cuddling, kissing, etc.. she said it was exciting and new and fun and they couldn't get enough of each other physically. But she said it wore off and now they are balanced emotionally and physically. I guess since we have already done a lot physically except intercourse, how do I back track things? I think that would be bad at this point. He will think I am a tease or I just see that as turning out badly. Like hey, we've done this three times, but no more of it and being in a bed until relationship. I feel like that holds phsyicalness and sex as a dangling prize.

 

I wasn't a fan of the last minute invite because he told me he suddenly really wanted to see me and have me stay over. He didn't know that the day of or earlier than that? I was an afterthought. I was driving by, didn't know I was going to be in traffic, and thought I would ask if he wanted to grab dinner, knowing he might already have plans, which in that case, I would keep driving, which I did. But I see what you are saying. He wanted me to drop everything and I him. I agree with that.

[starrynight4321]

Thats what I originally thought, but many other nights he's messaged me until late at night. This past Wednesday, for example, we were texting and chatting from 12PM in the afternoon until 11PM and then he said he fell asleep the next morning through text and we talked all day the next day too. Last week, we also messaged me at all times of the day and at night, even on a Friday and Saturday.

 

He's going to continue to be a handful.

Edited May 22, 2017 by starrynight4321