Should I be worried? [UPDATE: texting confusion]

[bluefeather]

amkxoxo, I actually read your whole update post and it seems like this guy is playing you. Especially with calling you names like "amigo." The guy is making it sound like you two are just f-buddies. All your dates are just at eachother's houses - It's like you skip the bar/restaurant and go right to his place. He wants in your pants and he has been slowly using you for as much sex as he wanted... Calling you up in horny desperation, telling you to flake out on your friends to go pleasure him, and then subtly trying to tell you to hit the road after it's done. And all that sexual history talk is because he wants to go further now. It's very obvious.

Edited May 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[1fish2fish]

I have looked online and he did. Its gone.

 

 

 

Or, he's blocked you.

 

Have a friend check to confirm, just in case.

[amkxoxo]

Or, he's blocked you.

 

Have a friend check to confirm, just in case.

 

I had a friend check. Its gone for good. He was very honest with me about his past and himself when we first met. I don't know why he would lie now, after we've spent time in each others homes, especially about something as trivial as a Facebook account.

 

He mentioned it to me randomly last week. I thought it was nice he thought to tell me, almost telling me he took the remnants of his last relationship off for everyone to see.

 

To me after a lot of though what "ExpatInItaly" said a few posts ago seems to be exactly what is going on. It makes perfect sense. Its exactly what he said to me

 

He wants to take things slow

He likes me

He's scared

He's emotionally fragile from his last relationship

He's adjusting

He's having mixed feelings

I feel like he sometimes purposely is trying to slow things down

His going out and partying and drinking with the guys as a facade-coping maybe? As he tells me he truly deep down would rather spend nights in with a lady

He deleted his Facebook for good-sign of moving on

"I am getting the impression that he does like you but still has unfinished emotional business regarding his previous relationship." - literally seems exactly it

 

As he said I need to sit back and observe and not get overly invested. Its just so hard. We have chemistry. We have fun together. We are very similar. But our differences are not bad ones. I am struggling with the overanalyzing and overthinking bit. I like reassurance. I like to be stable. He can't give me that now, but potentially could in the future. I either find someone who can, or wait it out. I'm a wait it out type of person, so will try and do that. Take it one date at a time. If we have plans great, when we don't then I act like we don't for good until we do again. Its hard, but I want to do it.

 

I am hoping it will get better now that he moved out. It can be a fresh start for him. Away from her, her things, their old life, and he can have his place, his things, his life for himself. Then maybe if he settles into this new lifestyle, he will slowly open up and be more positive about being with me.

 

I'm not going to lie, I am a little concerned that he hasn't contacted me in three days. But my friends and family are confident things have probably been crazy for him and he definitely will. I just have to have hope too.

 

I also think I need to try to set some ground rules. I think at this point, us doing some sexual things cannot be undone. And I think its pretty bad to ban all stuff until a relationship. That puts pressure on that he has to commit to touch me, and dangles a carrot in front of his face. I am okay if we want to have some sexy time once in a while. I am going to stop it from happening every time and suggest we don't, as I want to date and grow mentally and emotionally, not just with our bodies. I am still with the notion that no sexual intercourse until relationship. We haven't breached that and its important to me emotionally that we stick to it. I also think no sleepovers until relationship. I have no issue telling him so. I don't think its wise, because I think he isn't quite ready for that and its rushing things, as I also don't want any more awkward instances where I am unsure if I should be going home or not. When we are more secure, then I won't have to second guess it.

Edited May 23, 2017 by amkxoxo

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, regarding what I said about having unfinished emotional business:

 

That was meant to help identify his distance from you, but not excuse it. I don't necessarily think he is scared, but rather could still mourning the loss of what once was. If that is the case with him, it will likely mean that he doesn't want to have a relationship with you. Not in the way you'd like, anyway.

 

Having patience in that context is kind, but futile. Very often the recently-single need to be alone for a good while, even if they don't recognize that themselves. Trying to have a relationship with someone in that position usually doesn't work, simply because you are often looking for a bigger commitment that they just can't or don't want to make yet. I speak from experience, having been in his shoes.

 

All of this is purely speculation. He could just be enjoying the single life and enjoying not having any specific commitments at the moment as well. Be cautious here. Remember that interested and available men act interested and available.

Edited May 23, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[1fish2fish]

Never choose to be someone because of their potential. If this relationship isn't what you want/need right now, it's best to walk away. Right now, you sound more like his therapist in trying to understand his actions rather than his girlfriend.

 

This doesn't sound like the basis for a stable relationship. Perhaps he needs some time alone to work on himself and getting past his issues?

[amkxoxo]

Guess I'm a bit disappointed. Going on day #4 and nothing from him. Just after everything we have talked about. We aren't serious, I know, but him saying he wants to make it down my way and for us to go to the lake and he will be having to come see me more due to him living across from his mother. I guess I am a bit shocked that he hasn't even shot me a text. I still have hope. I don't think anything has necessarily happened to turn him away. I haven't done anything but be myself. But four days is a lot for someone who claims to like me and is starting to care for me.

 

For all I know, he's just being a man, and is sitting back and has no idea how much times has passed and he will probably message me like nothings wrong, because to him, everything is fine. He's been pretty open, honest, and upfront so far about things in his life and how he feels, so he does not remind me of someone who would just stop talking to me cold turkey.

 

He did say he might not be able to make it down to see me until the following weekend, this one coming up. But I guess I was just surprised, because he claims to like me and be falling for me, but doesn't care if we talk or see each other in a whole week? I feel like that just seems like a long time and to not talk until then seems strange too.

Edited May 23, 2017 by amkxoxo

[1fish2fish]

Are you dating others in the meantime? Because this doesn't sound like it's what you want. All these loose ended "maybe" plans only serve to keep you on the back burner waiting for him.

 

What are YOU getting out of this relationship? Other than disappointment.

[bluefeather]

He'll hit you up again when he wants sex from you (even just oral or hand). I'm telling you, that's what he's using you for.

[amkxoxo]

I am not dating others, but have been online talking to a few other guys on the dating site.

 

I finally just gave in and sent him a text. One of my friends put it like this - If you send him a text, which means very little, saying that you hope he has a good day, I don't think he is suddenly going to say 'ugh no yeah I don't like her anymore.'

 

So I did just that. He responded quite quickly saying " Hey! Sorry I missed ya. Crazy busy today. How are you?"

 

So I said "no worries, I have been busy with plans with my friends so I'm doing well. How is the week starting off?"

 

He responded "tiring lol. Any good memorial day plans?"

 

I said "No, not yet. In the past I've been asked to parties, but it seems my friends are wanting to do their own things this year." - this is true, as I've been talking to my friends about it recently.

 

I haven't heard back from him since. Which is fine. He was asking about me, so that was good I suppose. Now the ball is in his court for making a plan with me, so hopefully he does. I was telling my mom our conversation and she was criticizing me saying I was oversharing and talking too much. That I should have kept my answers short. I agree that maybe my answers were too long. I think I was trying too hard to seem like I have a life. But I can only just be me. My mother often does this and it makes me second guess everything. She's always like "well why did you say that?" So frustrating.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree your responses are a tad on the transparent side, in the sense that you don't need to announce you've been busy with friends or that you haven't yet gotten an invitation for the long weekend.

 

That said, I don't think it's enough to drive him away, necessarily. He just doesn't seem all that interested in touching base and setting another date at this point. A guy who is interested would be more proactive. He's keeping this very casual right now.

 

Leave it at that. Stop sharing so many details with Mom if she's always making you second-guess yourself and feel that it's your fault something might not work out. She doesn't need the play-by-play.

[d0nnivain]

I finally just gave in and sent him a text.

 

Now the ball is in his court for making a plan with me, so hopefully he does.

 

You are being passive. First I told you to call him not text. Texting is meaningless. You can't build a relationship on text.

 

Second, you sitting on your hands waiting for him to do something by definition takes away all your power. If you want to see him pick up the phone, use the voice feature & plan a date which you pay for. Take control of your own life & your own relationship. Until you can do that you will be unhappy because you are letting other people run your life.

[Kamille]

You are being passive. First I told you to call him not text. Texting is meaningless. You can't build a relationship on text.

 

Second, you sitting on your hands waiting for him to do something by definition takes away all your power. If you want to see him pick up the phone, use the voice feature & plan a date which you pay for. Take control of your own life & your own relationship. Until you can do that you will be unhappy because you are letting other people run your life.

 

I disagree (respectfully of course ).

 

I question this guy's level of interest. Sometimes, the best way to gage interest is to plant the ball firmly in his court and see what happens next.

 

OP, what you can do to empower yourself is move on to other things. Focus on hobbies, date other guys.

 

My read is that you're actually doing too much to carry the "relationship" forward. You're also over-invested, in that your level of interest doesn't seem to match his. I don't fully understand why you were so into this guy so soon. You hadn't even met him yet and you were Facebook stalking him. That was you feeding your infatuation - even as it created drama.

 

Your propensity to over-focus on someone you don't know has nothing to do with him and his capacity to be a good relationship partner. It's about your own imagination running wild, and possibly your own need for validation playing up.

 

ps: I just want to say that, for professional reasons, my Facebook profile was hidden for awhile, meaning nobody except friends and friends of friends could find it. I just find it odd that he would flat out delete his profile. I rather think he's found a way to hide it from you. That said, let this go. Right now, you should be doing your best to manage your level of interest in this guy.

[andie1969]

If he were interested he would have suggested doing something over Memorial Day weekend, not just ask if you had plans. The fact he didn't reply indicates very low interest, trust me, I speak from experience. It sucks, I know it does, but don't waste any more time on him. He's got you firmly on the back burner.

[amkxoxo]

So its friday and I haven't heard anything from him still. I sent the Tuesday text and he messaged right back, and was even asking about my weekend plans for this upcoming weekend. When I told him that I was free, he never answered. I have not heard from him since.

 

I have been talking to a lot of my friends, and even consulted my friends boyfriends to get a guys perspective. The consensus among them is that this has nothing to do with me, and that there's something more prevalent going on in his life with this move of his. My friends wonder if this move was bigger than we thought. They even said that he may have even had to have a lot of contact with his ex-fiancee and could have even been splitting stuff up with her for all we know. And then moving across the street from his family, and how there may be bigger issues going on there too.

 

My thing is that he can't even send a simple text to me though, just saying he's been so busy. But my friends boyfriends said he may have a lot going on, and he's just not focused. He also may have a lot going on and he's trying to get his stuff together and can't focus on me, or doesn't want me around until his stuff is all together. They both said how its very clear he's busy. I mean this is the guy whom last week wanted to see me Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Thursday, so they said there's no way that he's just ignoring me this week. They said he's definitely busy with something in his life.

 

I then asked them what I should do. Do I wait around for him to contact me, or should I follow up with him one more time in a simple text?

 

One boyfriend said I could send him a simple text today, because the weekend is almost here. They also mentioned how its a holiday weekend and he may be busy due to that as well. The other boyfriend said to wait it out more and see what happens. They both think he will come around and that again, this has nothing to do with me It has to do with his moving and his life right now.

 

I'm still unsure of what to do frankly. I feel like a sitting duck. I told my friends that my cutoff was late tonight and that if I didn't hear from him about the weekend, then I am going to assume we are over. My friends, and there boyfriend said that I'm overreacting and writing him off too fast. They said they think he will make plans with me, maybe just not this weekend, and that if we don't have set plans in a week or two, to then move on. They said after everything, us dating for about a month, and having sleepovers, and everything he said to me which was nice and promising, and just the way he is, which is the polar opposite of someone who is a user and plays with me, he isn't this way at all, that there's no way he's just phasing me out.

 

Not sure what to do?

[hippychick3]

Your cutoff for the weekend should have been yesterday. Please don't contact him again. Interested guys act interested. For whatever reason, he is no longer interested. Men don't go from lukewarm to hot, and this guy is barely lukewarm. Make plans for yourself this weekend and be sure to stay busy.

[clia]

I agree with the other posters above. He's not interested. Please stop making excuses for him. He's just flat out not interested in a relationship with you. You should do nothing other than to move on with your life and start dating others. Do not contact him again.

 

Your "dates" with him have shown a progression of increasing disinterest.

 

Your first date was dinner at a nice restaurant. All good. Second date was an awkward hiking date with his dog and a quick coffee. Eh. Third date you drove 45 minutes to him, went shooting, then ate at his place. Eh. Fourth date, he drove to you, you went for a walk and ordered takeout. Fifth date, you drove to him, again ordered in and ended up naked in bed. Sixth date, you drove to him again, ended up naked in bed. He then asks you to come over, last minute. You decline. (Good!) He asks you again to come over last minute and you do, again, end up naked in bed.

 

I mean, can you see the lack of interest? This guy isn't taking you out on dates -- he's asking you over for a booty call. Big whoop. He doesn't even offer to drive to you -- he expects you to come to him. He made no plans with you for the long Memorial Day weekend. You haven't heard from him. Hence, he is not interested. (You may, however, get another booty call from him. Please do not go over there again and get naked with him.)

 

And please stop splitting hairs. You are naked in bed together with your mouths all over each other's genitals. You are having sex with him.

[Kamille]

Your friends are nice, but they're doing what friends do: they're trying to reassure you.

 

But stop pursuing this guy. Stop initiating texts. Stop making excuses for him.

 

If the move is emotional for him, that means one thing: he's not emotionally available.

 

I met the guy I'm dating while he was in the middle of a move: he took time from that to take me out. He texted regularly. So much so that I started to worry that I wasn't initiating our conversations enough. I didn't have to strategize, wonder, ask my friends what could be going on.

 

What is it that you like so much about this guy? You've been really into him before even meeting him, with very little to go on. Why are you chasing him so much?

[amkxoxo]

So he texted me today:

 

"Hey I'm so sorry, Ive been super busy. I can't wait for the weekend. Still no memorial day plans."

 

I said "No nothing yet."

 

Then he says "Its not supposed to be the best weather anyway right?"

 

And I said "No that what I heard cold and windy."

 

Then I say "If you are free we could plan something ?"

 

He says "Yeah let me see what's going on. My family does a lot this weekend. And I want to work on my garden."

 

Garden....his garden. He would rather tend to a garden than see a pretty girl?

 

I see I am lower on the priority list than a garden.

 

He then tells me how he wants to make a garden as soon as he can because of the spring weather. So I say

 

" Seems like your weekend is too busy for plans with me."

 

He says "I know, it stinks right now. This time of year is bananas. I want to get down your way and go to Pete's" (Its a restaurant nearby)

 

So I say "Hopefully you can get your schedule sorted out and we can go. I'd like that."

 

He says "Yeah maybe one evening this week coming up if its nice out. (Pete's is outside)

 

I say "Let me know. Hopefully I'm still around."

 

I don't even know if he will ever contact me about that dinner. I don't even know who I am talking to. This is not the guy I was seeing a week ago. This seems like the guy I was texting and talking on the phone to three weeks prior to our first date. I'm so confused. I don't feel like a priority. Maybe he does have a lot going on right now, but he can't coordinate his schedule to see me at some point. And he's technically free tomorrow, when the weather is supposed to be nice, but he would rather garden? Are you kidding me?

 

I question if now because I can't drive to him that now he's lacking in driving to me. Its funny, when I was able to go to his other place, before he moved, he had me coming there and everything. Now that I cannot come to his new place yet because of his mother being his neighbor, he isn't making all that effort to try and see me, because he has to drive down here.

 

I feel so defeated at this point. I'm hurt. I feel like I wasted time and energy. I had high hopes because he talked like he wanted a relationship. He's on a relationship site looked for a "smart, motivated girl" But clearly he can't prioritize anyone into his life to be that girl.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, let this be your indication that you need to move on from him.

 

It sucks and I get that it stings. But it's time to acknowledge that this is way too much work (on your end) for far too little reward. He's just made it very clear he's not going to be offering you a more serious arrangement of any type.

 

It's time for you to get back out there, and listen to your gut the next time it's telling you that there are warning signs of trouble ahead.

[Zahara]

You do realize that people can put whatever BS they chose to on their profile to rope in whatever it is they want so your first lesson is to stop taking whatever people say on their profile as gospel. You get to know them first and then make an informed decision about them based on their actions. Just because they say they want a relationship with a smart and motivated girl, it does not mean it's really what they're looking for because most will word their profile based on what they think someone wants to hear.

 

Again, as others mentioned -- interested men will show you interest. When you start seeing flags, get out. Don't hang on for dear life. The sooner you know your value and what you deserve, the faster you'll dump these types.

 

The fact that he boldly told you he wanted to work on his garden was a big slap to your face. Stop communicating with him and move on.

[Kamille]

Amk, there's one thing I want to stress:

 

He's not interested or at most lukewarm. But that has very little to do with you, who you are and what you have to offer.

 

See it for what it is, but try to abstain from taking it personally.

 

You're clearly ready to be in a relationship. He is not. Move on and find your guy. This one isn't it.

[amkxoxo]

Yeah I don't plan on contacting him anymore. I'm still sitting here hoping he contacts me.

 

I just feel so sad and confused. I keep replaying it in my head of where it possibly could have gone wrong. I keep second guessing everything I did. I mean a few of my girl friends think what he's doing is okay. He seems very busy and has a lot he wants to get done with the place he just moved to, so he will come around. I guess I just don't want nor feel the same. Then I keep thinking maybe they are right and I am overreacting.

 

I'm not sure how I should feel. I truly did not think the last time I kissed him goodbye that we wouldn't talk all that much and this whole thing. I don't understand. Then other people I know keep telling me that I didn't do anything wrong and something is clearly just going on with him in his life for him to be like this. He went from acting like he really liked me, and telling me, to "maybe I'll see you next week." and being really flighty with plans.

 

I don't know if he is freaked out by us getting closer. But thats not my fault. But it still hurts me, because I'm involved. I question if he is not ready for a relationship. But then again, why is he on a dating site and why did he invite me to his bed and he set the pace, after claiming he didn't want to rush. I went along with it, and was okay with what we did. I still thought things were going in a good direction. I never asked him for more. Tried not to give off that vibe of wanting more. I think I gave off that I liked him, but I never asked for a relationship right away and I felt I tried my hardest not to pressure him.

 

Then I thought maybe he freaked out that he saw me still logging in to match.com. But the only reason I was logging in was to see if he was logging in. I would feel bad if he kept seeing me on there and then figured I was seeing other guys and wasn't serious about him. I just feel like guys don't think as in depth about that. They aren't like woman. I keep seeing he will log in from time to time.

 

I have been talking to a few guys online casually. They have not asked me out, which is fine. To be honest, after this whole crazy experience I am not quite ready to go on a first date with someone. I now have anxiety over this whole thing. I'm scared.

 

I was starting to fall for this man. And now he would rather plant a garden. One of my friends told me maybe he is working really hard trying to get his place looking really good so he can invite me over. But again, he can't text me and tell me that.

 

Like right now one of my girlfriends just texted me and told me she thinks he just has a lot going on right now. Moving out of the place he shared with his ex-fiancee and such, is emotional. My girl friend said if he genuinely liked me, as he seemed to last week, that it just doesn't go away like this. He may just be going through a lot trying to make this new life for himself. She thinks he will come around if he did like me.

 

I guess that makes me feel better, but it also makes me feel bad. Like maybe my friend is right. I mean for the last three weeks he has been telling me he is going to move, and every time I went over he never had anything packed. I remember being surprised thinking that he was never going to just be able to pick up and move, because nothing again, was packed up. Even thursday, when I was over, two days from moving day, he seemed to have nothing packed and he was just living like he was staying there. He told me his mother would come over, clean, and try and help him pack, and tell him he needed to pack up. Maybe he was avoiding it because it was more real if it packed that he was definitely moving out. Maybe it popped an emotional bubble he was living in. That he was leaving "their" place, where they would live when they got married and he was never coming back. Maybe there is so much going on with him right now, nothing to do with me. I keep speculating, but I truly don't know. I mean even Friday I wished him good luck with moving and he said he would keep me posted. And then nothing. No contact for days. Doesn't make sense. And when I asked him to dinner Friday night, he said my offer was so tempting and he would have loved to if he wasn't with his friend. Who says that they would have loved to and my offer was tempting, if they were pulling back?

 

He has to buy furniture, which he had done with her, but now by himself. He has to buy all cooking stuff, which he had with her, but now by himself. He has to now do everything he did with her, alone. Maybe he's totally not in a great place right now and he doesn't want me around for it. I don't know. I'm just so confused and confused. We seemed to be fine and things seemed to be heading somewhere slowly but surely, and now things seem awkward. I don't understand, how things change so quickly. Usually you would notice the person pulling away or not being as interested, but literally last time I saw him he begged me to come over. What happened?

 

I don't think I did anything wrong. He seemed to like me, and I liked him. There's nothing else I can do and I can't beat myself up over it.

 

I'm grateful, I do have plans for the weekend. My friends birthday is tonight so a bunch of us are going out. Its good to keep my mind off of it.

[Minneloa]

Hey OP,

 

You've received some very good feedback in the past few days that addresses your questions above. I know you feel confused, but the situation seems fairly straightforward to me and others who have posted here: he's not ready for a relationship, he senses that you are, and he's backing off.

 

I know this is a fresh hurt, but the amount of attention, discussion, and overthinking you are giving the situation seems a little excessive. In previous threads, you have mentioned that you struggle with significant anxiety issues, especially with dating. I think these issues might be clouding your judgment right now. As someone said above, what is so great about this guy? After that gardening comment, why on earth would you want him to contact you? He's clearly shown you that he's not interested (no matter what happened previously, which is now irrelevant) and now your job is to accept that and know that you dodged a bullet, especially given that he's so recently out of an LTR.

 

My advice to you would be to stop, as much as possible, rehashing events. It's just keeping you in limbo. No amount of rumination is going to change the status quo. I also recommend that you seek help for your anxiety if you aren't already. As an anxious person (and dater), I sympathize with you. However, if you continue in these patterns, you run the risk of self-sabotage when you do meet a guy who's interested and ready for a relationship.

 

In terms of overthinking (one of my specialities!), I suggest you check out Beat the Blues by Robert Leahy; it has an excellent chapter on rumination, why we do it, why it's futile, and how to curb it.

 

Sending good thoughts!

 

M.

[amkxoxo]

Thank you all for your help during this time in my life. I truly appreciate it.

 

I've heard your comments and I am working on my anxiety with a counselor. I've come a long way and hope to continue.

 

I'm going to focus on myself, my friends, family, and people that care about me. I know what I want and I have a lot to offer. This isn't the first time its freaked someone out and they have backed away. I'm accomplished, smart, pretty, and I work very hard in my life to make it as best it can be. My new motto is "too hot to handle"

 

I'm hoping this will help me stay positive in this blue time.

 

I am a catch and he saw that. Everyone I know sees it. I love hard, deep, and I am secure enough to be in a relationship and give someone my time and attention, and inevitably heart. Its unfortunate he and I weren't on the same page.

 

I can't let this ruin all I have worked hard for in my mental health. I spent over a year working on myself, being single, and living my life for me. I have come full circle. I feel good about myself and have my ducks in a row.

 

I again, appreciate all your help. I'm hoping to not have to keep posting on here anymore.

 

Thank You!

[ExpatInItaly]

Keep working on you, OP. That's the best way forward.

 

It's concerning that a guy you've only seen a handful of times has the power to cause you so much anxiety and stress. Take this as an opportunity to learn why you invested so much so quickly; that in turn will give you some insight as to how to avoid doing so in the future.