Mental Gymnastics...

[OatsAndHall]

The back story; I have been separated and divorced from my ex-wife for about two and a half years now. We were together for six and married for three. We had many issues in our marriage but what inevitably broke us was an old boyfriend that she wouldn't cut contact with. I asked very little of her in the marriage but was adamant that she stop talking to this guy as he would post flirty sh-t on her Facebook page.

 

She went into business with his family in a very sneaky fashion, I got upset about it, and she told me she was thinking about leaving because I "wasn't happy". I was so angry about it that I packed up a bag and left.

 

I decided I was done with her when I caught her not wearing her wedding ring while hanging out with this ex boyfriend two weeks into the separation. There were attempts at reconciliation after but it only resulted in nasty fighting. And, the old/new boyfriend moved in with her and my former stepsons a month before the divorce was finalized.

 

I have avoided contact with her at all costs but I had to text her yesterday as I needed some tax information from when we were married. She told me that she didn't have access to it as she was in the hospital. I instinctively asked her if she was alright and got a nasty response.

 

"You left your concern at the door when you walked out!"

 

I didn't bother to respond as I know she was picking a fight. I also know that she only told me she was in the hospital to elicit a response from me. Fell right into that one..

 

I am still fuming about it and this whole thing is a broken record with my family and friends. So, I'm basically ranting on here.. I just don't get it.. How can someone actually do those kinds of mental gymnastics and not take any responsibility for their actions within their own head??

 

I am furious right now. I'm trying not to let her take up room in my head so posting this might be a bad idea but I feel that I have to vent somewhere..

[somanymistakes]

She sees things from her own perspective in which she's "following her heart" and doing everything right and you're an obstacle in the way of her careless happiness. She's not bothering to think about how things affect you at all... it seems like thinking about your feelings is never something she cared that much about. I'm sorry.

[Ronni_W]

How can someone actually do those kinds of mental gymnastics and not take any responsibility for their actions within their own head??

For these kinds of people there is nothing for which they need to take responsibility --- in their own head, they truly are innocent and faultless and blameless.

Yes, it is self-delusion on the grandest scale...but it is where they presently are in consciousness, sadly and unfortunately for them. (Not so much for us who are at least trying to make efforts to take responsibility for our own stuff. Not always succeeding, but at least trying. .)

 

When it comes to my ex and I, I found the general principles contained in this article quite useful.

[blockrockinbeat74]

Can you find a way to get the tax info you need without having to get in touch with her again?

 

As fas as the mental gymnastics, my advice, based on hard-earned experience, is to do everything you can to avoid thinking about it.

[OatsAndHall]

Can you find a way to get the tax info you need without having to get in touch with her again?

 

As fas as the mental gymnastics, my advice, based on hard-earned experience, is to do everything you can to avoid thinking about it.

 

Yeah, I got it sorted out yesterday so I won't have to contact her again. Our minimal communication over the last few years about financial issues has been quaint to this point.

 

I had moved past my anger towards her a long time ago but yesterday just sparked it all back up again. Two steps forward, one step back.

 

I just have to keep reminding myself that this is a big part of why I divorced her. Years upon years of her not controlling herself and lashing out childishly drove me insane. There was no such thing as a rational conversation with her; I'd bring something up that was bothering me and she'd respond by making personal attacks and gaslighting me.

[blockrockinbeat74]

Yeah, I got it sorted out yesterday so I won't have to contact her again. Our minimal communication over the last few years about financial issues has been quaint to this point.

 

I had moved past my anger towards her a long time ago but yesterday just sparked it all back up again. Two steps forward, one step back.

 

I just have to keep reminding myself that this is a big part of why I divorced her. Years upon years of her not controlling herself and lashing out childishly drove me insane. There was no such thing as a rational conversation with her; I'd bring something up that was bothering me and she'd respond by making personal attacks and gaslighting me.

 

I hear you. That comes in waves; sometimes it can hit you from nowhere. It gets much better in time, though. She can't take anything more from you now so best to leave her where she belongs, that is in your past.

[OatsAndHall]

I hear you. That comes in waves; sometimes it can hit you from nowhere. It gets much better in time, though. She can't take anything more from you now so best to leave her where she belongs, that is in your past.

 

I guess all of this hit me out of the blue as I thought I had put everything behind me. She only crossed my mind when I had to deal with financial issues. The little contact we had was limited to one sentence text messages regarding these finances. This is the first bout of animosity that I have dealt with from her in a long time. One nasty, single sentence text and I felt like I was right back at square one.

 

The situation was double whammy for me as I know she was in the hospital because of her MS. She got exactly what she wanted; a feeling of guilt from me. I stood by her through thick and thin for six years with regards to her illness so my gut reaction was remorse. Just like a trained dog.

[blockrockinbeat74]

I guess all of this hit me out of the blue as I thought I had put everything behind me. She only crossed my mind when I had to deal with financial issues. The little contact we had was limited to one sentence text messages regarding these finances. This is the first bout of animosity that I have dealt with from her in a long time. One nasty, single sentence text and I felt like I was right back at square one.

 

The situation was double whammy for me as I know she was in the hospital because of her MS. She got exactly what she wanted; a feeling of guilt from me. I stood by her through thick and thin for six years with regards to her illness so my gut reaction was remorse. Just like a trained dog.

 

Just like a caring, empathetic person . Don't feel guilty for worrying about her illness, that's only natural; you were married to her and lived it with her for years.

 

My exH is a master at manipulating feelings and emotions; he went to therapy for a bit in an attempt to find someone other than himself to point the finger at for where he's at in life, which blew up in his face when he came out with a diagnosis of NPD with sociopathic traits (a fix, according to him - for my part, I thought his psych was a genius).

 

He is the father of my kids so NC isn't an option for me; it happens very rarely now but he still pulls the occasional stint (emotional blackmail, manipulation, triggers, etc) as he knows I am an empath and my natural instinct is to care but nearly 3 years post-divorce, I am at a point where I couldn't care less; his antics don't affect me anymore. When I have a weak moment, I call my parents or my siblings, who saw me go through hell with him, and I am reminded in clear terms why I left him in the first place.

 

As much as I am an empath, I can't relate to him and the way he views human interactions so I've stopped trying to make sense of it.

 

I look at my life now, how peaceful and drama-free it is, how well-adjusted my kids are, how I've been able to gradually build a (modest, for now) life for us, and I feel vindicated. All this to say that in time, you will be fine too .

[Cephalopod]

My ex-wife was just like yours, except mine was a serial cheater.

 

All you can do is move on and live the happiest life you can. Maybe get into counseling to understand why you are attracted to people like her. I did, and I found that I had codependency issues stemming from childhood. It helped me a lot.

[OatsAndHall]

My ex-wife was just like yours, except mine was a serial cheater.

 

All you can do is move on and live the happiest life you can. Maybe get into counseling to understand why you are attracted to people like her. I did, and I found that I had codependency issues stemming from childhood. It helped me a lot.

 

I was seeing a counselor during our marriage and after the divorce as being married to someone with MS is hard enough without them being unstable as well..

 

My therapist stretched the bounds of his professional and ethical limits once and told me that he had always felt that my ex-wife has a borderline personality disorder and we discussed it. There are some things that I didn't divulge to him about her past and, had he known these things, he would have rephrased the statement to "SHE HAS BPD".

 

My ex-wife is an exceptional chamillion; she puts on a facade very well. When I first met her, she was just out of an abusive relationship (no b.s. on her part there; her ex is a lunatic), was dealing with the MS and the emotional, physical and financial toll it was taking on her. She is a very well-educated woman in a professional field and her first "face" was that of a hard-working single professional who was going through hell. We didn't even date for the first seven months we knew one another; I just took care of her and the boys when she was sick and we'd would spend time together as friends. It gradually turned into a romance, mainly because the "caretaker" aspect of my personality kicked in. I loved her, she was sick and I wanted to be there for her and the kids.

 

A little bit of the lunacy came creeping out when we started dating but I just attributed it to her MS and her past and we moved forward. BUT, a whole sh-t load of crazy came out in the three years we were married. She kept up that facade for a long time.. It all came crashing down in the space of about three months. And, now I know what the root of that crazy was (BPD) so I am cautious when I date.

[Miss Peach]

I always tell people divorcing when they complain their ex is being unreasonable is that if they weren't reasonable in the marriage, they aren't going to be later.

 

Also my XH has a lot of BPD characteristics. I would be cautious making too much of painting new women with the brush of your ex. I was really cautious when I first started dating and I was just attracting nut jobs. When I dropped that and worked on my boundaries I attracted much better men.