What the hell am I going to do?...

[Ian]

I'm glad I found this place, and it appears that it's frequented by a group of mature, caring people, which is apparent even in type. I'm in the midst of a terrible/wonderful relationship with a girl right now, and I need some good advice regarding what I should do, cause I'm mystified. I'm seventeen years old, and about to graduate high school in about three weeks.

 

This is my crisis... excuse me for being long-winded in my explanation...

 

I have known Michelle for a little over four months, and I both love her and am in love with her... HA! there is a difference, trust me!... but of course you alreaday knew that... anyways... it's been very intense for the last four months, and we still do not have a romantic relationship. This is what I am looking for, and I thought I had found it when I started talking to her in January. My only previous loving relationship had been five months with another girl that ended last June, when she left me for some other dude... bummer. I was pretty much in limbo until January, when Michelle came into my life. We immediately hit it off, and I took to her faster than anyone in my life thus far, and for a while, she had a similar romantic interest in me. Somehow, however, she lost the desire to pursue a romantic relationship with me, but we still spent alot of time together. At this point, she considers me her best friend, and she is mine too, but I still long for a deeper connection with her. We do have a very affectionate relationship, but I want to give her so much more, and have so much more come out of it. This is a terrible, torturous, situation, although I am infinitely happy that it has come this far, as in the past, I have been hurt terribly and done ridiculous things to get what I want. In any case, my dilemma is exactly this... every time I'm with her alone, I'm the happiest man alive. I know that she really enjoys being with me, but it kills me whenever I come to the fact that I want her so much more than this. She's not exactly the most open girl in the world, but she's let me know that she doesn't want a relationship at this point... I get jealous too, when other guys compete for her attention and resort to physical means to do this... all my friends have some sort of fixation on touching her, and although I suppose I could just tell them to stop, she is NOT my girlfriend(which according to them, gives me no right), and I think that this physical competition is ridiculous. I get so worked up over everything, that I haven't slept in a long, long time... this is the terrible part... can someone please tell me what to do? Should I continue doing what I'm doing, and hope that it turns into romance? She tells me that I'm very good to her, which makes me feel better, and I really do respect her... we enjoy each other alot... these things convince me to wait. On the other hand, maybe I should just let it go, which would be next to impossible... I'm totally in love with her... she's pretty much my world. I get so jealous sometimes, it kills me. It turns into overpossessiveness too... and I really don't want to be this way, not at all... I can see it in many of my friends, and I absolutely hate it. I'm so damn confused... it's eating me up... I love it, and I hate it... sometimes at the same time...

 

What should I do? Can someone please help me? I'll fill you in with more details if you would like... and thanks for reading... I hope someone has faced this themselves before, or at least know more about it than I do... thanks again...

 

Ian

[Tony T]

The main reason she doesn't want a relationship with you is because you are always around, she can take it for granted that you will call or see her whenever and you will kiss her butt whenever she snaps her fingers. Young girls get very bored with that and they are not attracted to that.

 

Women of most ages want a MAN who is aloof, who is a challenge, who has a life away from them, who doesn't run whenever they call...they want unpredictability.

 

Now, of couse, you can do be extremely nice and remain her friend forever. But if you ever hope fto be more than just a buddy to her, you're going to have to back off, find other things to do, stop caring so much, stop calling her so much, cut your phone conversations with her short when they happen and just get another life.

 

The very best thing you can do is start going out with other girls on romantic dates. Don't tell her about this, either. She'll find out. That ought to really get at her if she has any latent feelings for you at all.

 

You are just way too nice and that will get you absolutely nowhere in the world of young romance.

 

So stop caring so much about where this goes, start being a man, and move on with your life. What you are doing now will NEVER win her heart for you.

 

I really don't think you can pull this off because you sound way too lovesick. So maybe you ought to just resolve yourself to attending her wedding when she marries somebody else...who is cool, aloof, and challenging to her.

[Ian]

Thanks for the advice Tony. I always knew this to be true, but stupid boys do stupid things in stupid situations, and I got in too deep, too quick.

 

Still, the problem remains that everything regarding relationships is easier said than done. I'm only seventeen, incredibly insecure, incredibly inexperienced, and getting out of a drug addiction, which is unrelated but still complicates personal things. I know that if I want this girl, then following your advice is probably the only way for me to clinch it. But doing that could also make me lose her completely. I do recognize that backing off, at least gradually, is the most important thing to do, and I already have from about two months ago. And excuse me for not being manly enough, but I don't want to hurt this girl. She tells me all the time how important I am to her, and though I have thought before that she's just yanking it, she persues my company all the time. That's one side of the story. The other is... I can't just pack my bags and start dating other girls... well, I could... but that would be a huge, huge effort. I'm sure that everyone has gone throught this, but another girl just won't cut it at these times. Also, there's a fine line between adding mystery to it and being a selfish jerk. Can you enlighten me as to how to walk this line? I mean, if you've gone through this yourself (anybody?), could you give me more specifics? Finally, and this is the one thing that is entirely out of my influence... she may meet another guy in my absence, even a partial absence like you suggested. I'll just have to deal with it then, but I don't want to open myself up to too many uncertains like this...

 

Thanks again for your message... it confirmed things that I wasn't too sure about... but could you please explain a little more... I'll take any risk for this girl, but I don't want to lose her if I can...

 

Thanks......................... Ian

[Dragonflys]

Hi Ian

 

I can so understand how you feel, and I and many others have been in exactly the same situation before.

 

I know what it is like to have overwhelming feelings for someone you are attracted to, spends time with you, has a mental connection with you, and is kind. These seem like the absolute perfect qualities for a beautiful relationship right!!.

 

But there has to be something else which will create that sexual attraction. As I'm sure Tony has mentioned in his response, it has a lot to do with not coming across too easy. Sexual attraction is often fuelled by a natural instincts to chase, be playful, stimulation by being unpredictable etc. Sometimes this stuff isn't required, but that is rare and I think only happens when everything else just fits incredibly well. Usually it can happen when people meet during amazing life experiences.

 

Now what I suggest you do is to continue to be the incredible person you are to her, but give it in measured doses and work on getting a life away from her at the same time. I can see it now, you immediately get pangs of fear as you think 'well if I see her less she may end up with another person'....C'mon admit it. But the way it is now it will never change. You have to take that risk if you wish to create that spark. She is merely following her feelings right now and they say no. You have to create a life for yourself outside of her to give her a chance to see alternatives to you and make a conscious decision about you.

[Dragonflys]

Ian

 

Now, you see..I knew it...your whole infatuation with her is fuelled by your fear of losing her. You mention twice in your response to Tony how you fear losing her. What you need to realise that no matter how much you want her or fear losing her, you have no control over her feelings.

 

Now you will not come across as a selfish jerk if you spend less time with her. You don't need to change your attitude when you are with her. She however is a very selfish women if she calls you a jerk or treats you that way because you spend less time with her.

 

Give her the simple message: 'if you just want to be friends then excuse me while I spend some time away looking for a person who will LOVE me for who I am, we can get together when I am not busy and not looking'.

 

You don't tell her this, you merely haul your ass out there and meet new people.

 

IF she has any feelings for you that she may not have seen when you were always there, she will be back. If she runs off with another guy then she didn't waste any more of your time and your life after her will be easier.

[Ian]

Thanks for the advice, it makes so much sense now, and last night I convinced myself that this is what I gotta do... besides, summer vacation before college starts in three weeks, giving me plenty of freedom... backing it off gradually may not gurantee success, but it will at least give me a better chance.

 

Once again, thanks Tony and Oliver for the insightful thoughts.

 

Ian