About the kids

[blockrockinbeat74]

Maybe this is what is driving my perspective brb74, when my husband passed, I had very little help. It was either I pull it together and take care of my kids or no one would.

 

Perhaps in an adulterous situation, the bs has the luxury of 'punishing' the ws by leaving the kids to them....which is ridiculous but then so many couples/people are.

 

It's not the same situation but the immense pain and depression where soul crushing. Maybe I am being too harsh but I can't imagine infidelity as a viable excuse to drop the ball as a parent.

 

Are people (general, bs who ghost their kids) confusing being hurt and angry at their spouse (sure, perfectly reasonable) with being justified in causing hurt/confusion to the kids?

 

I don't think you're being too harsh, fwiw; I share the same perspective and the same experience (under different circumstances).

 

For me, my exH's infidelity was only one of his many deficiencies as a husband, as a parent and as a man but for others, infidelity is their worst nightmare. I can understand needing some time out to reassess, process and recharge in some cases, for a very limited period of time, but I agree with you that it shouldn't be used as an excuse to drop the ball as a parent. I wouldn't do that to my children.

[wmacbride]

I think there is a huge difference between "abandoned" and a bs needing some time.

 

If a bs needing sometime is the same thing as abandoning their children, then any parent who travels for a few days or weeks on business has also abandoned their children.

 

Instead of griping that their bs has "abandoned the kids", how about the ws step up to the plate and make visits as easy for the bs as possible.

 

Make arrangements for a close friend,relative or hire someone to facilitate pick up and drop offs. By a pre-paid cellphone for the kids so they can call when they need to, and if the bs has no interest in speaking to the ws, then the ws needs to butt out. Their presence is not welcome, and they need to keep away.

 

In the meantime, the family, as a unit, can see a counselor to try and sort through everything and support the kids through the process of uncoupling. That may mean the ws has to face what they have done and explain it to the kids. That doesn't mean that they need to give all the details of the A, just that they explain, in an age appropriate way, that they made some bad choices and that mom and dad feel it's better if they live apart. ( if divorce is on the table).

 

Whatever the situation, the ws can help ameliorate the damage to the kids by telling them that mom or dad is away right now, but the or she loves them and will be back soon. If it's a few days or weeks, the kids will probably be fine. If it's longer than that, then it's time for more drastic action.

[Cephalopod]

Maybe this is what is driving my perspective brb74, when my husband passed, I had very little help. It was either I pull it together and take care of my kids or no one would.

 

Perhaps in an adulterous situation, the bs has the luxury of 'punishing' the ws by leaving the kids to them....which is ridiculous but then so many couples/people are.

 

It's not the same situation but the immense pain and depression where soul crushing. Maybe I am being too harsh but I can't imagine infidelity as a viable excuse to drop the ball as a parent.

 

Are people (general, bs who ghost their kids) confusing being hurt and angry at their spouse (sure, perfectly reasonable) with being justified in causing hurt/confusion to the kids?

 

eta: Sorry if there were some questions not addressed, off to work but will be back.

 

 

As I suspected, it sounds like you have never been cheated on.

 

 

I am sorry for your loss of your husband by the way. That had to be tragically hard.

 

Having a spouse die on you and being actively cheated on by a spouse are very different experiences. When a spouse dies that is not active abuse. Cheaters who continue to cheat and intentionally hurt their spouses with infidelity are abusers. When you are a betrayed spouse, it is very much like having a spouse die,....yet the spouse is still alive and is actively tormenting you by betraying you to your face and humiliating you in front of your children....daily.

 

I understand you are triggered by this stuff, but there is really no comparison between being widowed and being an actively betrayed wife. Adultery unleashes pain and hurt that can be brutally overwhelming. My brother killed himself I've the pain of his WW's affair. You can't get any more abandoned than that. I'm angry at him for what he did, but I fully understand why he did it.

 

Try looking at these situations with a bitmore compassion for BSs.

[amaysngrace]

Having a spouse die on you and being actively cheated on by a spouse are very different experiences.

 

Exactly. Especially if the death was due to an illness and the surviving spouse had time to mentally prepare. Plus there's love.

 

Finding out that your spouse has been unfaithful, to me, would seem like having the rug ripped out from under you without any love at all.

[blockrockinbeat74]

As I suspected, it sounds like you have never been cheated on.

 

 

I am sorry for your loss of your husband by the way. That had to be tragically hard.

 

Having a spouse die on you and being actively cheated on by a spouse are very different experiences. When a spouse dies that is not active abuse. Cheaters who continue to cheat and intentionally hurt their spouses with infidelity are abusers. When you are a betrayed spouse, it is very much like having a spouse die,....yet the spouse is still alive and is actively tormenting you by betraying you to your face and humiliating you in front of your children....daily.

 

I understand you are triggered by this stuff, but there is really no comparison between being widowed and being an actively betrayed wife. Adultery unleashes pain and hurt that can be brutally overwhelming. My brother killed himself I've the pain of his WW's affair. You can't get any more abandoned than that. I'm angry at him for what he did, but I fully understand why he did it.

 

Try looking at these situations with a bitmore compassion for BSs.

 

My exH actively betrayed me for years, so I have empathy for BSs- from my perspective, I didn't consider that as abuse compared to all the other things he did. It was the last drop when I found out and left.

 

I couldn't count on him to deal with the children while I was sorting myself out, and had to carry on single handedly as seamlessly as possible so as not to inflict further pain and confusion to my children, who needed me more than ever. Focusing on them also helped me keep things in perspective, ie whatever happens in my life, they come first no matter what.

[wmacbride]

My exH actively betrayed me for years, so I have empathy for BSs- from my perspective, I didn't consider that as abuse compared to all the other things he did. It was the last drop when I found out and left.

 

I couldn't count on him to deal with the children while I was sorting myself out, and had to carry on single handedly as seamlessly as possible so as not to inflict further pain and confusion to my children, who needed me more than ever. Focusing on them also helped me keep things in perspective, ie whatever happens in my life, they come first no matter what.

 

I coped alone too after I found out my spouse had been having an affair. I was left alone with our three kids. This was not by his choice or mine.

 

Our kids found it hard, but they are used to their dad being away. I lied and told them he was gone for work ( which he was) but it turned out they knew he'd been having an A, so I had to explain the situation to them, and we addressed it as a couple when he got back.

 

as I said before, there is a difference between abandoning your child and needing few days or weeks to process through everything. For some bs, it's the right choice because they need to sort through their emotions, especially anger and hurt.

 

I'd like to think I could have handled picking up and dropping off my children with a lot of class and grace had we divorced, but I can't say for sure what I would have done. I do know I wouldn't walk away from my kids.

[blockrockinbeat74]

I coped alone too after I found out my spouse had been having an affair. I was left alone with our three kids. This was not by his choice or mine.

 

Our kids found it hard, but they are used to their dad being away. I lied and told them he was gone for work ( which he was) but it turned out they knew he'd been having an A, so I had to explain the situation to them, and we addressed it as a couple when he got back.

 

as I said before, there is a difference between abandoning your child and needing few days or weeks to process through everything. For some bs, it's the right choice because they need to sort through their emotions, especially anger and hurt.

 

I'd like to think I could have handled picking up and dropping off my children with a lot of class and grace had we divorced, but I can't say for sure what I would have done. I do know I wouldn't walk away from my kids.

 

I hear you. It can't have been easy.

 

As to your last paragraph, when you have no choice, you just do it - picking up, dropping off, and everything else in between, before and after. I'd do it again in a heartbeat because they deserve nothing less than to feel safe and loved at all times but I can also understand that a very short reprieve can help.

[BettyDraper]

My mother went into a deep depression when my dad's affair came to light.

She still completed most of her duties but there were many crying jags. She also slept beside me some nights. I remember feeling sorry for my mom. Later she said that I was a source of comfort for her.

[Whoknew30]

the answer to your post is an easy one.

 

Not everyone can do this. Some people need more time and space, and they know themselves well enough to realize that's what's best for them.

 

You also assume that the ws is actually facilitating the visits, and not turning a phone call, skype or pick up/drop off into an excuse to pick away at the ws. Just as bs focus on the A when they first find out , so do ws.

 

Really, if i was in that situation, my first stop would be to a lawyer's office so that I will know my rights and responsibilities, and then I would try and arrange visits that did not involve my ws. That way, I could see my kids as soon as possible without any interference and stress from my ws.

 

If a parent can't put their own relationship issues to the side for their kids...then they should not have been parents in the first place.

 

The needs of the kids should come first...especially during relationship issues.

One does not have to have a endless conversation with a WS to pick up their kids & one doesn't have to be rude to stop a conversation a simple "im here for the kids & only the kids" isn't a real tough sentence & if the WS continues then they're being the negative parent at that point & that's not ok either.

 

I personally think that some BS put the kids in the middle of their own hurt & the blame them putting their hurt onto the kids as the WS...a WS has an A on their BS...not particularly the kids. I think people get A & bad parenting mixed up.

 

My dad never missed a game, anything at school, not ever so much a weekend with my siblings & I when he cheated. He cheated on my mother not us kids...now had he shunned us for another woman, that wouldn't be bc he cheated, it would have been bc he was being a bad father, completely two different issues that shouldn't always be combined in the same sentence.

Edited April 18, 2017 by Whoknew30
Spwlling

[Timshel]

As I suspected, it sounds like you have never been cheated on.

 

 

I am sorry for your loss of your husband by the way. That had to be tragically hard.

 

Having a spouse die on you and being actively cheated on by a spouse are very different experiences. When a spouse dies that is not active abuse. Cheaters who continue to cheat and intentionally hurt their spouses with infidelity are abusers. When you are a betrayed spouse, it is very much like having a spouse die,....yet the spouse is still alive and is actively tormenting you by betraying you to your face and humiliating you in front of your children....daily.

 

I understand you are triggered by this stuff, but there is really no comparison between being widowed and being an actively betrayed wife. Adultery unleashes pain and hurt that can be brutally overwhelming. My brother killed himself I've the pain of his WW's affair. You can't get any more abandoned than that. I'm angry at him for what he did, but I fully understand why he did it.

 

Try looking at these situations with a bitmore compassion for BSs.

 

I do understand the difference, I agree with you. I have tremendous compassion for the BS...I'm struggling to understand how being deeply hurt would lead to not remaining present for the kids.

 

I do know that depression, pain, betrayal is going to cause some changes in behavior, inevitably. That it will take time to feel 'normal' or happy again.

 

I wouldn't expect a bs to proceed as though nothing had happened but to what extent is it ok to check out as far as the kids are concerned? Where would a person draw the line?

 

The kids still need a mom/dad and if the kids have any awareness of the affair, fighting or divorce.....even more so, right?

[basil67]

I wouldn't expect a bs to proceed as though nothing had happened but to what extent is it ok to check out as far as the kids are concerned? Where would a person draw the line?

 

I think you're underestimating the impact that mental health can have on a person's decision making. I too, know a man who committed suicide after his wife took the child and went to another man.

 

Yes, this is the ultimate "check out". But it also gives perspective as to a person being in so much pain that they cannot think straight.

 

You seem to want to believe that ALL people can keep keep caring for their children even when absolutely devastated. But breakdowns and suicide are evidence that not everyone can do it. People can be fragile. And people can be fallible. And people can make poor decisions when in time of high emotional stress or breakdown.

[Timshel]

Cephalopod, I am sorry for the loss of your brother and thank you..

 

Basil, so yes then, I am being too hard on parents who are hurting. It wouldn't be that I am not sympathetic, I have physically 'been' there for a few dear friends whose husbands had affairs.

If they were to spiral to a point of not at least providing basic care/responsibility for their kids though....I don't know.

 

I would try to help but eventually may become disgusted and have to distance myself. One of the women in our group of friends, her husband left her for the ow. We all rallied to support her but after some time she was drinking and doing coke...not responding to our pleas, refusing therapy.

We all individually decided to distance ourselves. Her daughter isn't a minor but now also refuses to talk to her mom.

It's very sad.

[wmacbride]

My mother went into a deep depression when my dad's affair came to light.

She still completed most of her duties but there were many crying jags. She also slept beside me some nights. I remember feeling sorry for my mom. Later she said that I was a source of comfort for her.

 

You likely were. The love from your child is such a wonderful thing. It can really be a huge comfort,. It doesn't sound like she used you as an emotional dumping ground, it's sounds more like she got a lot of warmth and positive feelings from her love for you.

 

My kids were such a comfort to me. My youngest doesn't know the A ever happened (my oldest do, but not from me or my ws). It can be a difficult road for them too.

[wmacbride]

If a parent can't put their own relationship issues to the side for their kids...then they should not have been parents in the first place.

 

The needs of the kids should come first...especially during relationship issues.

One does not have to have a endless conversation with a WS to pick up their kids & one doesn't have to be rude to stop a conversation a simple "im here for the kids & only the kids" isn't a real tough sentence & if the WS continues then they're being the negative parent at that point & that's not ok either.

 

I personally think that some BS put the kids in the middle of their own hurt & the blame them putting their hurt onto the kids as the WS...a WS has an A on their BS...not particularly the kids. I think people get A & bad parenting mixed up.

 

My dad never missed a game, anything at school, not ever so much a weekend with my siblings & I when he cheated. He cheated on my mother not us kids...now had he shunned us for another woman, that wouldn't be bc he cheated, it would have been bc he was being a bad father, completely two different issues that shouldn't always be combined in the same sentence.

 

That was your situation, and I'm glad your dad was able to be there for you.

 

You say that people should not put their kids in the middle of a bad situation, and I 100 percent agree. The problem is that the A already put them in the middle of a bad situation. Their parent's marriage is in trouble, and it could end.

 

Also, you are assuming that the ws is facilitating pleasant contact between the bs and the kids. This isn't always the case. Some ws will see visitation, phone calls, etc. as their time to talk to the bs, who may not want to hear what they have to say. The ws may be making things so tense and uncomfortable that it makes perfect sense for the bs to take a step back for a few days or weeks to give both themselves and the ws time to cool off.

 

To negate any damage to the kids, all a ws has to do in this situation is explain to the kids that mom or dad had to spend some time way, that mom or dad still loves them a whole lot and will be back soon. The concept that mm or dad being away for short time after they find out about the A is selfish or otherwise a terrible decision is difficult to understand. Do parents who have to travel for days, weeks even months at a time for work also abandon their children?

 

btw...lots of bs lie to cover up times the ws is not at home because they are cheating. Have these same ws also abandoned the children?

[Whoknew30]

That was your situation, and I'm glad your dad was able to be there for you.

 

You say that people should not put their kids in the middle of a bad situation, and I 100 percent agree. The problem is that the A already put them in the middle of a bad situation. Their parent's marriage is in trouble, and it could end.

 

Also, you are assuming that the ws is facilitating pleasant contact between the bs and the kids. This isn't always the case. Some ws will see visitation, phone calls, etc. as their time to talk to the bs, who may not want to hear what they have to say. The ws may be making things so tense and uncomfortable that it makes perfect sense for the bs to take a step back for a few days or weeks to give both themselves and the ws time to cool off.

 

To negate any damage to the kids, all a ws has to do in this situation is explain to the kids that mom or dad had to spend some time way, that mom or dad still loves them a whole lot and will be back soon. The concept that mm or dad being away for short time after they find out about the A is selfish or otherwise a terrible decision is difficult to understand. Do parents who have to travel for days, weeks even months at a time for work also abandon their children?

 

btw...lots of bs lie to cover up times the ws is not at home because they are cheating. Have these same ws also abandoned the children?

 

Don't agree...I think if a BS is cheated on, it happened to them & have no business saying "the kid's". The kids have absolutely nothing to do with a romantic relationship. The marriage could have ended without an A. In both cases kids should be first...what screws kids up is being dragged into adult issues. Yes, their home life might change but it's important as parents on both sides of the fence to put them first. I cheated on my H, my H cheated on me...neither of us cheated on our daughter.

 

By no means am I saying that a WS can't also be a crappy parent themselves but being a crappy parent & bad spouse are completely different issues that shouldn't be grouped into one...& the OP didn't state in the original question a day or two...she's stated a BS using their hurt to ignore their parental responsibilities...

 

Unless there has been abuse towards the kids...there is absolutely no reason reason for "visitation"...all that means is the parents couldn't get it together for the kids. My H payed child support but we had spilt custody bc we both knew it wasn't fair to her to not be able to be adult enough to put our issues to the side & allow her to be able to call each other & see whoever she wanted, when she wanted. Any parent that can't do the same is failing at that particular moment as a parent & no excuse or hurt in the world excuses it...wether a WS or BS...doesn't mean a parent can't catch themselves but to allow hurt to be used as an excuse to really not care for your kids is just an "excuse".

[Timshel]

That was your situation, and I'm glad your dad was able to be there for you.

 

You say that people should not put their kids in the middle of a bad situation, and I 100 percent agree. The problem is that the A already put them in the middle of a bad situation. Their parent's marriage is in trouble, and it could end.

 

Also, you are assuming that the ws is facilitating pleasant contact between the bs and the kids. This isn't always the case. Some ws will see visitation, phone calls, etc. as their time to talk to the bs, who may not want to hear what they have to say. The ws may be making things so tense and uncomfortable that it makes perfect sense for the bs to take a step back for a few days or weeks to give both themselves and the ws time to cool off.

 

To negate any damage to the kids, all a ws has to do in this situation is explain to the kids that mom or dad had to spend some time way, that mom or dad still loves them a whole lot and will be back soon. The concept that mm or dad being away for short time after they find out about the A is selfish or otherwise a terrible decision is difficult to understand. Do parents who have to travel for days, weeks even months at a time for work also abandon their children?

 

btw...lots of bs lie to cover up times the ws is not at home because they are cheating. Have these same ws also abandoned the children?

 

Good question. I would suppose the answer to some extent is yes...unless they are only spending time with ow/om during 'business' hours. Even then, how much does their mind wander regarding the ap, the planning and emotional distraction away from the family.

 

(general) Why would a person abandon their own integrity because they realize their spouse's lack thereof? Maybe the ws is indeed a lying, manipulative, untrustworthy you know what regarding the kids. Isn't that going to be on them?

I mean, integrity isn't something moved or swayed. If a person has the personal value to not cheat, lie or neglect their children. If a person is devoted to his/her family...does that change when the spouse f's up?

Integrity is as deep as action.

 

In my experience, my values/integrity were what kept me sane, together and focused on the next right way to be in any difficult/traumatic situation.

If I had thought, oh well...i'm f'd so might as well just wallow/indulge......meeeeee!!!

 

Could.not.do.that. Maybe basil is right, some people just don't.

[Timshel]

I think you're underestimating the impact that mental health can have on a person's decision making. I too, know a man who committed suicide after his wife took the child and went to another man.

 

Yes, this is the ultimate "check out". But it also gives perspective as to a person being in so much pain that they cannot think straight.

 

You seem to want to believe that ALL people can keep keep caring for their children even when absolutely devastated. But breakdowns and suicide are evidence that not everyone can do it. People can be fragile. And people can be fallible. And people can make poor decisions when in time of high emotional stress or breakdown.

 

I know this, my career is around the fragility of humanity. I am flawed, everyone is. I don't want to be on LS as my profession...what I have learned is that people more lately have any excuse to not be accountable for their own behavior.

There is always some other external motivation to behave badly.

 

My concern is that when two 'adults' choose to have child(ren) and one commits adultery...why is it acceptable for the bs to then run shenanigans at the expense of the child?

Mental health issues are admissible but you (general) have kids...get your crap together when they are born if not before so.

 

I guess that I am being redundant at this point. Maybe I am looking at it too pragmatically.

Bottom line, when a person has a child, imo, they forfeit the 'right' to lose their sh*t.

[wmacbride]

Don't agree...I think if a BS is cheated on, it happened to them & have no business saying "the kid's". The kids have absolutely nothing to do with a romantic relationship. The marriage could have ended without an A. In both cases kids should be first...what screws kids up is being dragged into adult issues. Yes, their home life might change but it's important as parents on both sides of the fence to put them first. I cheated on my H, my H cheated on me...neither of us cheated on our daughter.

 

By no means am I saying that a WS can't also be a crappy parent themselves but being a crappy parent & bad spouse are completely different issues that shouldn't be grouped into one...& the OP didn't state in the original question a day or two...she's stated a BS using their hurt to ignore their parental responsibilities...

 

Unless there has been abuse towards the kids...there is absolutely no reason reason for "visitation"...all that means is the parents couldn't get it together for the kids. My H payed child support but we had spilt custody bc we both knew it wasn't fair to her to not be able to be adult enough to put our issues to the side & allow her to be able to call each other & see whoever she wanted, when she wanted. Any parent that can't do the same is failing at that particular moment as a parent & no excuse or hurt in the world excuses it...wether a WS or BS...doesn't mean a parent can't catch themselves but to allow hurt to be used as an excuse to really not care for your kids is just an "excuse".

 

Not everyone is capable of this level of emotional detachment. For some, it's better to let a few weeks go by, and if the ws really wants to minimize the impact of the A, all they have to do is follow my suggestion above.

 

The idea that a parent being away from home for a few weeks is going to cause incredible harm to the children is really odd. Lots of parents travel for work. Have they abandoned their children?

 

I will also tell you that my own spouse travels for months at a time for work, and when he does, there are weeks when We won't hear from hm and can't contact him. Our kids don't feel they were abandoned. They know he's away but will be back soon. Why is it so hard for a ws to actually help minimize the A's impact on the kids, or are they so invested in making it seem as if their spouse deserved to be cheated on that they can't understand this?

 

Again, I am not talking about someone who leaves their kids and never comes back. I'm talking about a bs who needs some time to regroup. Unless the ws goes out of their way to make it seem to the kids that mom or dad has abandoned them, the kids will be just fine.

 

I'm thinking that you might not understand this, as you and your spouse both had A's, so the situation is a bit different.

[BettyDraper]

You likely were. The love from your child is such a wonderful thing. It can really be a huge comfort,. It doesn't sound like she used you as an emotional dumping ground, it's sounds more like she got a lot of warmth and positive feelings from her love for you.

 

My kids were such a comfort to me. My youngest doesn't know the A ever happened (my oldest do, but not from me or my ws). It can be a difficult road for them too.

 

She did share many things that were inappropriate for a child of 11 to hear.

I knew EVERYTHING about my parents' marriage by the time I went to high school. My mother also tried to turn her children against my dad. She didn't have to do that because I already hated his actions.

 

My mother was very sad when I told her that she should divorce my dad. I was just tired of all the tension and sadness in the home.

[Whoknew30]

Not everyone is capable of this level of emotional detachment. For some, it's better to let a few weeks go by, and if the ws really wants to minimize the impact of the A, all they have to do is follow my suggestion above.

 

The idea that a parent being away from home for a few weeks is going to cause incredible harm to the children is really odd. Lots of parents travel for work. Have they abandoned their children?

 

I will also tell you that my own spouse travels for months at a time for work, and when he does, there are weeks when We won't hear from hm and can't contact him. Our kids don't feel they were abandoned. They know he's away but will be back soon. Why is it so hard for a ws to actually help minimize the A's impact on the kids, or are they so invested in making it seem as if their spouse deserved to be cheated on that they can't understand this?

 

Again, I am not talking about someone who leaves their kids and never comes back. I'm talking about a bs who needs some time to regroup. Unless the ws goes out of their way to make it seem to the kids that mom or dad has abandoned them, the kids will be just fine.

 

I'm thinking that you might not understand this, as you and your spouse both had A's, so the situation is a bit different.

 

If one can't separate feelings from their spouse from their kids, well that's s extremely bazaar IMO.

 

An A impact on a child only comes from the parent putting them in the middle. If a adult can not separate their romantic relationship from their spouse from their kids...I don't think that particular person is emotionally that stable.

 

Once again OP stated not putting the kids first...you keep bringing up work & traveling...it's completely different than the question of OP. Traveling to make money for your family & ignoring your kid bc obe can't handle their emotions are two different things.

[blockrockinbeat74]

If a adult can not separate their romantic relationship from their spouse from their kids...I don't think that particular person is emotionally that stable.

 

I fully agree. I would mitigate it a bit if the break was minimal (literally a couple of days - who needs weeks away from their kids to sort themselves out anyway after an A?!) and did not impact on the children whatsoever, ie the kids are told the parent went on a last minute holiday instead of holding them hostage to the parent's emotional turmoil by telling them their parent needs time out, which isn't the kids' concern at all - kids tend to think everything is their fault anyway.

[wmacbride]

I fully agree. I would mitigate it a bit if the break was minimal (literally a couple of days - who needs weeks away from their kids to sort themselves out anyway after an A?!) and did not impact on the children whatsoever, ie the kids are told the parent went on a last minute holiday instead of holding them hostage to the parent's emotional turmoil by telling them their parent needs time out, which isn't the kids' concern at all - kids tend to think everything is their fault anyway.

 

This is exactly what I have been saying. A few days or weeks away can help spouse centre themselves.

 

Even our counselors and my spouse's psychiatrist ( he was working through combat PTSD at the time) told us this, and they all also said it is completely acceptable and understandable so long as BOTH spouses handle it correctly. It doesn't need to turn into an emotionally devastating event for he kids. t wasn't something I needed to do, but I can see how some can.

 

For instance, let's say a man finds out his wife has been cheating, they've been having sex in the marital bed, he's been at the house, he's been around the kids, etc.

 

The bs is likely going to be hit like a ton of bricks, and he may not be in place where seeing his wife and kids is the right thing at that point in time. In that situation, it's better for him to stay away.

 

As I keep saying, to mitigate the damage (if that is really their concern, and it's not just another way to dump on the bs) then they can explain that mom or dad had to travel for a little while, but they love them and will be back soon. The kids will be fine. If they remember it at all, it will be that mom or dad took a short trip but they came back. Would it be better for them to remember dad crying, mom yelling, dad hurt, mom crying? ( and if anyone thinks they can hide an A from kids who are any older than toddlers may well be in for a nasty surprise. I thought that too, until I found out how wrong I was)

 

Would it be better for the kids to see dad who's an emotional mess or give him some time to collect himself and have them see him in a healthy place?

 

The ws showed zero self control, and their kids suffer. Is a bs not allowed the same consideration in an effort to make the aftermath as easy for the kids as possible?

( again, i don't mean if parapet leaves and never comes back..that is very different)

[wmacbride]

If one can't separate feelings from their spouse from their kids, well that's s extremely bazaar IMO.

 

An A impact on a child only comes from the parent putting them in the middle. If a adult can not separate their romantic relationship from their spouse from their kids...I don't think that particular person is emotionally that stable.

 

Once again OP stated not putting the kids first...you keep bringing up work & traveling...it's completely different than the question of OP. Traveling to make money for your family & ignoring your kid bc obe can't handle their emotions are two different things.

 

 

 

I understand that what worked in your situation worked for you, and I am glad for you. The thing is that the rest of us may not be able to live up to that same standard. Each parent needs to look at the situation and decide what is best for them and their children. For some, that can mean staying, and for others that can mean taking a bit of time. No one is talking about months or years.

 

The reason I keep referring to being away for traveling is that, if a parent being away for work or pleasure wont hurt a child, then neither will them being away for some time to collect themselves mentally. All a ws needs to do is explain that mom or dad is away, but they love them and will be back soon. Of course, Johnny or Suzie will miss them, but in the long run, all will be fine.

 

Unless, of course, the ws is so invested in blame shifting and minimizing their actions that they can't put the kids first by doing this.

 

Which will it be? Will the ws be able to swallow their pride? or perhaps, since not being able to be strong enough to not have an affair in the first place, they shouldn't have custody of the kids anyway, as they have demonstrated they are unable to put them first.

 

Of course, that's silly, but it's no more silly than expecting a bs to not need some time to sort themselves out mentally and emotionally. The few days or weeks won't be detrimental, the kids will be fine and both parents will likely be in a better place mentally.Why is that so terrible?

[Whoknew30]

I understand that what worked in your situation worked for you, and I am glad for you. The thing is that the rest of us may not be able to live up to that same standard. Each parent needs to look at the situation and decide what is best for them and their children. For some, that can mean staying, and for others that can mean taking a bit of time. No one is talking about months or years.

 

The reason I keep referring to being away for traveling is that, if a parent being away for work or pleasure wont hurt a child, then neither will them being away for some time to collect themselves mentally. All a ws needs to do is explain that mom or dad is away, but they love them and will be back soon. Of course, Johnny or Suzie will miss them, but in the long run, all will be fine.

 

Unless, of course, the ws is so invested in blame shifting and minimizing their actions that they can't put the kids first by doing this.

 

Which will it be? Will the ws be able to swallow their pride? or perhaps, since not being able to be strong enough to not have an affair in the first place, they shouldn't have custody of the kids anyway, as they have demonstrated they are unable to put them first.

 

Of course, that's silly, but it's no more silly than expecting a bs to not need some time to sort themselves out mentally and emotionally. The few days or weeks won't be detrimental, the kids will be fine and both parents will likely be in a better place mentally.Why is that so terrible?

 

A couple days & fully not being able to parent bc of hurt are not the same thing. It's apples & oranges.

 

I just find it ironic that anyone that lives by the logic "there's no excuse for an A" (even if the relationship isn't in a good place) is so quick to find excuses for irresponsible behavior themselves bc they were hurt.

 

OP question is pertaining to that...how quick "some" BS use excuses for their behavior & how to mix having an A to parenting...they're not the same.

 

Having an A does not mean one should lose custody of their kids...& that's the type of logic that messes a kid bc a BS is hurt. Exit A are bc the WS wants out & just bc someone doesn't want their spouse doesn't mean they don't want their kids. Kids should be completely separate from a BS & WS emotions. If someone can't do that, all the excuses in the world doesn't make it right...no different than excuses for an A.

[wmacbride]

A couple days & fully not being able to parent bc of hurt are not the same thing. It's apples & oranges.

 

I just find it ironic that anyone that lives by the logic "there's no excuse for an A" (even if the relationship isn't in a good place) is so quick to find excuses for irresponsible behavior themselves bc they were hurt.

 

OP question is pertaining to that...how quick "some" BS use excuses for their behavior & how to mix having an A to parenting...they're not the same.

 

Having an A does not mean one should lose custody of their kids...& that's the type of logic that messes a kid bc a BS is hurt. Exit A are bc the WS wants out & just bc someone doesn't want their spouse doesn't mean they don't want their kids. Kids should be completely separate from a BS & WS emotions. If someone can't do that, all the excuses in the world doesn't make it right...no different than excuses for an A.

 

The issue with what you say is that an A affects a family. Even if the kids are not aware of it. Most people are not complexity able to shut off their emotions, and there is a good chance the kids will see their hurt. They may not understand the cause, but they see it.

 

btw, I mentioned losing custody not because I think ws shouldn't have custody of their kids if its what's best for them ( lots are good parents) but to show the duplicity in your argument. If it's tacitly acceptable for a ws to put the family and children's emotional health at risk by cheating ( and unless someone is totally mixed up, they won't do things they don't think, at least on some level, are acceptable) then its' pretty disingenuous to chide a bs who needs to give themselves some mental and emotional first aid before moving forward.

 

You used your own marriage as an example, so I am not bringing in information from another thread. You and your spouse both had affairs, regardless of what the potential fallout might be for your kids. You both put yourselves first. That's not the greatest behavior in the world, but does it mean you don't love your child or that you are a terrible parent?

Of course not. You are likely both good parents.

 

Sure, the chance of the A being discovered was low, but it wasn't zero. You also couldn't predict what would happen if the cat got out of the bag. You were both willing to ask your children to assume that risk. Unless you sat down and coldly planned it all out, you let your emotions run away with you, to the possible determent of your children. That doesn't make you bad parents or terrible people, it makes you human.

 

Why is a bs not afforded that same consideration? Why is he or she deserving of being dumped on because they let their emotions run away with them?

 

 

I think that while we don't agree on a lot, we both agree that leaving for a long time or otherwise ignoring or neglecting your children is completely different and harmful. Needing some time is not.