Am I expecting too much when dating? What am I doing wrong?

[moonchild94]

When my friends tell me how they met their bfs and how they take them to cool spots, buy them flowers, pay for nice things for them. They've been with their bfs for 2-7 years. My friends do not take any bull though. One slight thing and they walk away, which I admire.

 

I've never had a guy buy something special for me. I've never had a bf for more than 2 months. I'm not talking about expensive jewelry or anything. Just like a teddy bear or like a rock.. something they think reminded them of me. Something sentimental. Sometimes I initiate dates with guys.. or I initiate texting too. I don't make them do all the work. I pay for a date sometimes if it goes on to date 2 or 3.

 

One guy I was dating.. I really liked him. He would NEVER talk on the phone and only text me. I expressed to him that we should talk on the phone and I felt unwanted. He would always say he's lazy or that I need to back up and I'm expecting too much. I would continue texting him and go his way. He would never ask me on dates and when I stood my ground and left... he came back weeks later. He said he wanted to check on me because he didn't see me post on social media. I asked him what he really wanted.. like if he missed me. He never answered. I blocked his number. It just hurts because I feel like I am ALWAYS an option for a guy. They never run after me... they only come because they know I'm nice and always available. Or they play games with me. Now I'm starting to not tolerate it. I block numbers now.. or I just dont reply anymore either.

 

Idk how to change this...

I met all of these past guys that never worked out online.

All the guys I meet online are lazy. I'm not exaggerating.

Lazy where they have no activities, lazy about going on dates.. just lazy in general. I'm trying a different approach now by actually going out.

i'm getting more involved with the community.

I volunteer now for an organization that I believe in, I'm about to start school...

Trying to find people in better environments. Idk if I'm just meeting the wrong people... or if my expectations are too much..

Are they? I just want to be treated special when dating... I've never felt that way. I've never had someone pick me up for a date.. any of that. I never felt like a princess...

[NTV]

Well, I can see why you feel shortchanged compared to your friends. And yes it sounds like you brought some of this on yourself with not making demands.

 

It sounds like you may have low self esteem.

 

As a guy it feels like the hotter the chick the more she has crazy demands and expectations. What I want and enjoy more than that is the chicken without those expectations and demands. While your girlfriend are bragging about who got the best valentines day present their dudes are sitting around the table complaining and commiserating on who got shafted with the biggest bill.

 

It sounds like you may want to be the demanding chick, but you just aren't high maintenance enough. Which for any dude dating you is a good thing.

 

I think you should take a break from relationships for a six months or so just to focus on you. You'll see when you are less receptive to dudes they try harder. But if you hadn't gotten that before then you may accidentally get snagged by the first dude that does it. Instead the six months will allow you to normalize to the behavior. It also let's you focus on what you like. Painting or softball or karate lessons... whatever your hobby is.

 

Also, I want you to ghost a dude. Whoever you're talking to now. Just don't respond to text, calls, etc. Blow them off (in a short but friendly way) if they find you in person.

 

Would you try those two things?

[Purepony]

Good points above ^

 

I personally think you aren't asking for much and I'd consider you a better catch then your friends just because your not a bragger or high maintenance like them.

Good job blocking these losers who can't even call you!

[d0nnivain]

You have identified some commonalities among the men you dated in the past. You now know to avoid those things: OLD & laziness being the main ones.

 

 

Seek out new relationships through school & your volunteer activities. Anybody who has enough gumption to volunteer probably isn't lazy & is more thoughtful

[CptInsano]

Is there a special type of men you are attracted to? It could mean that they are not that much into you and get by with the least effort to keep you around, regardless of how you meet them.

[preraph]

Are these guys your friends have like anyone you would be attracted to? Are your friends more attractive than they are, or are they well matched that way? Because of course a man will work harder if he thinks you're a big catch and you won't accept anything less. I personally don't think all that gifting and stuff (random) has much value. It may be a trade off for sex or it may be an apology for bad behavior. It isn't always "being treated like a princess." Guys tend to amp it up when they've run it off into the ditch or when they can't get the girl.

 

But yes, as everyone has said, if you have things you require in a man, then don't settle for the ones who don't measure up. I just don't think gifts ought to be that thing, though, except on special occasions. It's really just not that natural for someone to randomly gift people unless they're a little needy or attention-seeking.

 

Like I've told so many young guys on here, try not to focus on the one guy you think is so hot to the point where you become oblivious to the others who may be looking at you, especially if you have a track record of not being able to get and keep the ones you focus on. Let some guys pick you and just at least give that a shot. You shouldn't be paying for early dates and first dates, but if you do ask someone out, then you do pay. That takes you off the pedestal right away for a guy (too available) and those guys likely aren't going to feel any need whatever to gift you.

[moonchild94]

Is there a special type of men you are attracted to? It could mean that they are not that much into you and get by with the least effort to keep you around, regardless of how you meet them.

 

For some reason, all the guys I've been involved with are either guys that "drink heavily" or they "smoke weed heavily". It's either or. They're also very lazy.... but they make time for things they want. Those are the kind of guys I seem to attract though. I'm trying to find guys that do not have those qualities by finding people in person rather than online for starters.

[Silverstring]

For some reason, all the guys I've been involved with are either guys that "drink heavily" or they "smoke weed heavily". It's either or. They're also very lazy.... but they make time for things they want. Those are the kind of guys I seem to attract though.

 

The reason is that these are the guys you're attracted to. If you weren't, you wouldn't get involved with them.

[basil67]

For some reason, all the guys I've been involved with are either guys that "drink heavily" or they "smoke weed heavily". It's either or. They're also very lazy.... but they make time for things they want. Those are the kind of guys I seem to attract though. I'm trying to find guys that do not have those qualities by finding people in person rather than online for starters.

 

Sounds like you're on your way to finding answers.

 

A guy who's drunk/stoned a lot of the time and lazy is simply not the kind of guy who will do nice things for you.

[moonchild94]

Sounds like you're on your way to finding answers.

 

A guy who's drunk/stoned a lot of the time and lazy is simply not the kind of guy who will do nice things for you.

 

I understand that. I'm starting to understand that.

That's why when I date guys I create conversation to see how much they really drink and smoke. But my question is all of the guys said I expect too much.

I expect too much because I want to spend time with them. I think to answer my question.. I do expect too much because i'm expecting these kind of guys to take me on nice dates... when clearly they are not capable of that.

[moonchild94]

The reason is that these are the guys you're attracted to. If you weren't, you wouldn't get involved with them.

 

The reason is not that I'm attracted to them.

I find these guys online and I find out about this stuff after the fact.

Not before the fact. Then when I do find out.. I try to change them and expect them to treat me nicely and take me on dates.. because I semi invested time into them. These are all guys online that hide those facts until I meet them in person and they tell me.

[moonchild94]

You have identified some commonalities among the men you dated in the past. You now know to avoid those things: OLD & laziness being the main ones.

 

 

Seek out new relationships through school & your volunteer activities. Anybody who has enough gumption to volunteer probably isn't lazy & is more thoughtful

 

Yeah, I'm hoping to meet new friends and people with my volunteer activities and school. Some of the guys I talked to didn't like school and didn't want to go back to it. Hmm.. I notice that pattern too. I dont like that. I love school.

[moonchild94]

Are these guys your friends have like anyone you would be attracted to? Are your friends more attractive than they are, or are they well matched that way? Because of course a man will work harder if he thinks you're a big catch and you won't accept anything less. I personally don't think all that gifting and stuff (random) has much value. It may be a trade off for sex or it may be an apology for bad behavior. It isn't always "being treated like a princess." Guys tend to amp it up when they've run it off into the ditch or when they can't get the girl.

 

But yes, as everyone has said, if you have things you require in a man, then don't settle for the ones who don't measure up. I just don't think gifts ought to be that thing, though, except on special occasions. It's really just not that natural for someone to randomly gift people unless they're a little needy or attention-seeking.

 

Like I've told so many young guys on here, try not to focus on the one guy you think is so hot to the point where you become oblivious to the others who may be looking at you, especially if you have a track record of not being able to get and keep the ones you focus on. Let some guys pick you and just at least give that a shot. You shouldn't be paying for early dates and first dates, but if you do ask someone out, then you do pay. That takes you off the pedestal right away for a guy (too available) and those guys likely aren't going to feel any need whatever to gift you.

 

The guys my friends are dating are not guys I would be attracted to tbh. They're not my type... but those guys are very romantic to the friends and are head over heels/crazy about my friends.

 

Yeah, I believe I am way too available. That's why I'm trying to get more involved with things outside in life by volunteering and doing activities I like. Right now I'm doing the advice you gave me. Having the guys lead the way instead of me taking the lead. I'm trying something different. Hopefully I may see a change in my approach in finding guys. Idk.

[CptInsano]

The reason is not that I'm attracted to them.

I find these guys online and I find out about this stuff after the fact.

Not before the fact. Then when I do find out.. I try to change them and expect them to treat me nicely and take me on dates.. because I semi invested time into them. These are all guys online that hide those facts until I meet them in person and they tell me.

 

While my expectations toward OLD are not particularly high, I doubt that OLD is a single lineup of people who are unmotivated and have substance abuse problems. So you factor into this in some form.

 

You either like something about them (rebel, unconventional, artistic) or you are not picking up on signs at all if they have such an easy time deceiving you. In other words, they shouldn't make it past a phone call or the very first meeting.

[NTV]

If you are intent on meeting a guy, have you tried going to a meetup? One for something you enjoy doing? I.e. meetup for hiking or writing etc?

[Silverstring]

The reason is not that I'm attracted to them.

I find these guys online and I find out about this stuff after the fact.

Not before the fact. Then when I do find out.. I try to change them and expect them to treat me nicely and take me on dates.. because I semi invested time into them. These are all guys online that hide those facts until I meet them in person and they tell me.

 

These are the men you're choosing to meet from online dating so these are the ones you're attracted to. The common denominator is you.

[moonchild94]

These are the men you're choosing to meet from online dating so these are the ones you're attracted to. The common denominator is you.

 

That can't be true. For one I do not know they are substance abusers until later when I invest time into them. Only mistake I made were that when I do find out I continue it instead of walking away when I should.

That's not even the case with substance abusers. I just talked to another online guy that I didn't even find attractive. Tried to be open and give him a chance but he ghosted me too. He wasn't a smoker or a drinker so idk what it is that I'm doing wrong really.

[moonchild94]

While my expectations toward OLD are not particularly high, I doubt that OLD is a single lineup of people who are unmotivated and have substance abuse problems. So you factor into this in some form.

 

You either like something about them (rebel, unconventional, artistic) or you are not picking up on signs at all if they have such an easy time deceiving you. In other words, they shouldn't make it past a phone call or the very first meeting.

 

Yes, that is true. When I see the red flag I should't give benefit of the doubt. That's something I'm learning to do now. But even then, I just tried being open. I talked to a guy that was not my type at all. He was smart, talkative and I just tried to be open overall. He just ghosted me. So I'm just confused...

[CptInsano]

Yes, that is true. When I see the red flag I should't give benefit of the doubt. That's something I'm learning to do now. But even then, I just tried being open. I talked to a guy that was not my type at all. He was smart, talkative and I just tried to be open overall. He just ghosted me. So I'm just confused...

 

You said that you tried to be open, and that he wasn't your type. Is it possible he picked up on that?

 

Could you describe your type maybe? That might cast some more light on the issue.

Edited April 20, 2017 by CptInsano

[moonchild94]

You said that you tried to be open, and that he wasn't your type. Is it possible he picked up on that?

 

Could you describe your type maybe? That might cast some more light on the issue.

 

Well I don't think so? I texted him back. I engaged in conversation and even hinted on hanging out? I told him we should go explore. But after that it just stopped. Well I like tall guys with nice hair for physical.

Personality wise I like someone sociable, calm, funny, hardworking, willing to try new things.

 

This guy I was talking to was short but he seemed nice and had a career going for him.

[CptInsano]

Well I don't think so? I texted him back. I engaged in conversation and even hinted on hanging out? I told him we should go explore. But after that it just stopped.

 

Then I'm not sure what happened.

 

Well I like tall guys with nice hair for physical. Personality wise I like someone sociable, calm, funny, hardworking, willing to try new things.

 

This guy I was talking to was short but he seemed nice and had a career going for him.

 

Then it could be that you are connecting with guys for which there is a high degree of competition on OLD, and they are keeping their options open and don't get emotionally​ invested early on.

[tetrahedral]

So what do you have going for yourself? What makes you a catch? I'm talking concrete things, not "well I'm nice". What makes you exceptional?

 

It seems like you already know what's going on.

 

You said all the guys you are involved with are lazy/drink heavily/blaze trees. They're available for a reason.

 

The hot dudes who are stable and well-socialized... are with someone else or really hard to get. So you're sifting through the "hot dudes who are available for a reason" bin.

 

I'm a guy. I get this dynamic, because I know all about the male analogue - you find girls who are freaking gorgeous and single. And eventually, you figure out why.

 

I'm not saying single people are all "available for a reason", by the way. Just that when you make looks and scarcity a major priority, the invisible hand is gonna give you looks and scarcity... at the expense of other things.

[Mysterio]

Why does everyone think that they are doing something wrong. Life is dynamic and its always changing.

 

If we all get up to heaven. Are we all really going to say I did things so wrong in my dating life and I know how to fix it. Attraction is very personal. If we could do things so right in that area or our lives. We should be able to steal our siblings/friends SO right from under them.

 

I invited a woman from my Buddhist chanting group to a 70's disco boat cruise in 2003. I was not thinking of her in a romantic way. Early in the cruise she said that she had a big crush on me. I was shocked. We went out for 3 months until we fizzed out. So I don't know what I did. For me it seems the less I care, the more is happens for women to see me in a romantic light. When it does come around for me.

 

Hate to say it. Romantic attraction plays a big part as well. You can be great on paper. If there is no Romantic attraction. There is nothing you can do about it. One sided or not. For me. I really have to be treated in a warm playful way, before I really look at a woman romantically. Even then. its elusive for the most part.

 

 

So this year I am focusing on not being the driving force for my love life. I think its the best way to me. I don't see that I am doing something wrong with my dating.

[moonchild94]

So what do you have going for yourself? What makes you a catch? I'm talking concrete things, not "well I'm nice". What makes you exceptional?

 

It seems like you already know what's going on.

 

You said all the guys you are involved with are lazy/drink heavily/blaze trees. They're available for a reason.

 

The hot dudes who are stable and well-socialized... are with someone else or really hard to get. So you're sifting through the "hot dudes who are available for a reason" bin.

 

I'm a guy. I get this dynamic, because I know all about the male analogue - you find girls who are freaking gorgeous and single. And eventually, you figure out why.

 

I'm not saying single people are all "available for a reason", by the way. Just that when you make looks and scarcity a major priority, the invisible hand is gonna give you looks and scarcity... at the expense of other things.

 

 

Hmm good question. What do I have going on?

Well I'm working part time however about to go full time to a good paying company. I'm about to start school so I can finish my degree and get an even better paying job. I volunteer for an enviornmental cause. I always try to elevate myself. I stay fit. Idk that's all... idk what's considered the "right" answer for that question..

 

Yeah. I noticed that if they're good looking it's for a reason. They have different intentions and etc. idk. I'm starting to steer away from it because I'm starting to understand why people result to apps.

[moonchild94]

Then I'm not sure what happened.

 

 

 

Then it could be that you are connecting with guys for which there is a high degree of competition on OLD, and they are keeping their options open and don't get emotionally​ invested early on.

 

That could be it....

So what's what do I do?

Not take OLD seriously?

Or like just be very patient with it?