I need some advice with my marriage

[greenbean2017]

hey there

this is my first time posting here, i usually just read

 

here is my situation:

 

i need some advice with my marriage

ill make this brief

 

i have been married for less than a year. my parents still dont know im married but i think they figured it out. they dont approve of my husband based on his educational level. he has a bachelors and ive got a graduate degree. he started a graduate degree program a year ago which he does part time . he does not work

 

the issues are:

he drinks , more heavily than i realized when we were dating

 

he smokes weed, its air to him

 

he has super wealthy parents who 'support' him, giving him a free apartment in a nice part of the city, a car, all utilities , he got into a habit of always asking them for cash when he wanted it; and they gave it to him. until i asked them to stop doing this

 

this has caused him to resent me. he says im stressing him out when i say i dont want to live off his parents charity and buy our own house(i have enough money to afford us a decent house). i also dont like that most of my things are in storage. i want him to finish school by going full time and getting a real job. he is going even slower with school.

 

to make matters worse, his dad recently groped me.when i told my husband about it, he(husband) was upset but at the same asked if i 'could get over it' and also questioned if i was making the whole thing to get us to move out of his apartment faster.

 

i love my husband but we are getting into constant arguments about me not wanting him to depend on his parents generosity, i also feel that by putting me in this situation, im losing my self respect

 

btw, my husband is the one who doesnt want me to tell my parents that we are married until his degree is complete, he says he is 'reading his audience'

 

also i make more money than he does, so if we separated id likely have to pay him alimony

 

neither of us wants to split up, im just trying to think if this is salvageable

thoughts?

[Telemachus]

If neither of you wants to split up, then you can stay together - it is, in that sense, salvageable. If either one of you wants to split up, then you can divorce. All it takes is one.

 

Marital property and divorce settlement laws vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction; however, it doesn't appear that he gave up anything, such as a career or his own education, when you got married. Monetary gifts from his parents are not income that he gave up, and his parents could resume paying him any time they choose. Considering that, after one year of marriage and no children, you should expect a clean break. You aren't going to owe him anything, unless he he wants to fight it out in court over money and you're willing to agree to his terms just to end it more quickly.

 

In other words, if he doesn't want to fight over money/property, you both walk away as you walked in - not owing the other much of anything. If he wants to fight over money/property, and you do also, then the result will be the same, but it'll take longer and your legal bills will be larger. The only way he'll get anything is if he wants to fight and you aren't willing to do so.

 

Honestly, you seem like a very ill-suited couple in the first place. If you don't like the situation, can't together manage to improve it, and end up separating and divorcing, then you both failed.

 

If you can't make this work: don't get pregnant by him; find your own place to live; be the first to file the divorce petition; and then tell your parents. They're going to find out anyway.

 

Regarding his father's groping, that's very much a side issue. My two recommendations there are to either never be in the same room with him again, or to carry a small blade at all times and be prepared to stab him in the hand when he does it. You can buy a small plastic-sheathed paring knife in any grocery store for $5. It won't kill him, and he'll get the message when you stick him with it. I favor the former, but the latter is legitimate.

Edited April 18, 2017 by Telemachus

[NTV]

You wouldn't pay alimony for a marriage less than a year. Look into the rules. Also if less than a year an annulment is easier and quicker than a divorce. That won't be an option for long though.

 

He isn't ready to grow up and you are... you didn't know that when you said your vows?

[Robert]

The threadstarter posted the same thread under two different names. The two responses above have been copied here: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/621538-should-i-stay-should-i-go

 

~6