All good men taken by their early 20s?

[Miss Spider]

I read something on another message board that was kind of sad to me. I would copy and paste it but it's like a debate they were having. Some woman was saying all good, intelligent, relationship worthy men are taken by their early 20s. She said if they're not taken by 20s they have some flaw..they work too much or have emotional issues, or commitment phobias, or are just generally not "relationship material". She said stay far away from guys who have never been in a serious rship by then.

 

She that the good guys that do get in long term relationships/married by then get divorced or breakup, and therefore back on the market are "seriously damaged" by what the girls they dated put them through. Because of this many have a very jaded view of women and become bitter in some way. She said women are more likely to bounce back afterwards and stay positive but good men usually won't leave until things are very bad and it messes up their view of women. She said avoid men over 40 (she's 40 something), not just the "spinsirs", but all because have too much "baggage" even if they were good guys. "There are no datable ones."

 

I don't want to believe this is true. I'm out of my early 20s and I don't see myself meeting a guy I like anytime soon. But when I look aroUnd, I do see that most of my family who have happy marriages got lucky with the right person married mid late 20s. Within my circle of family and friends, most are dating or married dating their college, high school sweethearts now. These are people coming from traditional 2 parent traditional households with no divorce and like very white picket fence upper middle class.

 

 

Any thoughts?

Edited April 18, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[curiouslysearching]

I read something on another message board that was kind of sad to me. I would copy and paste it but it's like a debate they were having. Some woman was saying all good, intelligent, relationship worthy men are taken by their early 20s. She said if they're not taken by 20s they have some flaw..they work too much or have emotional issues, or commitment phobias, or are just generally not "relationship material". She said stay far away from guys who have never been in a serious rship by then.

 

She that the good guys that do get in long term relationships/married by then get divorced or breakup, and therefore back on the market are "seriously damaged" by what the girls they dated put them through. Because of this many have a very jaded view of women and become bitter in some way. She said women are more likely to bounce back afterwards and stay positive but good men usually won't leave until things are very bad and it messes up their view of women. She said avoid men over 40 (she's 40 something), not just the "spinsirs", but all because have too much "baggage" even if they were good guys. "There are no datable ones."

 

I don't want to believe this is true. I'm out of my early 20s and I don't see myself meeting a guy I like anytime soon. But when I look aroUnd, I do see that most of my family who have happy marriages got lucky with the right person married mid late 20s. Within my circle of family and friends, most are dating or married dating their college, high school sweethearts now. These are people coming from traditional 2 parent traditional households with no divorce and like very white picket fence upper middle class.

 

 

Any thoughts?

 

some men (and women of course) in their 20s or 30s loss their SO

due to one passing thus they eventually are "back on the market"

and not necessarily "damaged"

[The_Thall_Man]

I by no means think I'm God's gift to women, but I happen to be out of my 20s (just turned 40 ), and I'd say I was intelligent and relationship worthy... I'd like to think anyway. I don't have any emotional issues, commitment phobia (been primarily in long-term relationships), and don't have any baggage (no kids yet, zero debt, crazy exes, no negative outlook on relationships, etc.).

 

I guess I'm an outlier or something. I guess if that's the case, you can just date men in their 20s, then. See if that's better. Personally, I don't broad brush people into groups (it feels like bigotry to me) and just take things on a case-by-case basis and see if it's a fit for me or not.

[Imajerk17]

What the....

 

Well I am 40 and single. According to that chestnut of advice you got I must really suck [Actually I don't suck. I'm pretty awesome frankly. Modest too!]

 

My aunt found love again after being widowed at 70. She found it online too. That advice you were peddling, cookiesanddough, is just really bizarre. There are about as many "quality" single guys at any age as there are females, and vice-versa.

[Miss Spider]

some men (and women of course) in their 20s or 30s loss their SO

due to one passing thus they eventually are "back on the market"

and not necessarily "damaged"

 

Thank you;) yes that's exactly what I think. I dunno why what she said got to me so much. I should know better. Ty!! You're the best

[Miss Spider]

What the....

 

Well I am 40 and single. According to that chestnut of advice you got I must really suck [Actually I don't suck. I'm pretty awesome frankly. Modest too!]

 

My aunt found love again after being widowed at 70. She found it online too. That advice you were peddling, cookiesanddough, is just really bizarre. There are about as many "quality" single guys at any age as there are females, and vice-versa.

 

Ty. I am sure there are. Sorry . I didn't realize how silly what she said was iuntil now. I don't have Xp dating men in that age group, but wouldn't mind. And the same could be said for women too, if this were the case. Nevermimd ... haha I'm embarrassed I wrote this!!!

[Miss Spider]

I by no means think I'm God's gift to women, but I happen to be out of my 20s (just turned 40 ), and I'd say I was intelligent and relationship worthy... I'd like to think anyway. I don't have any emotional issues, commitment phobia (been primarily in long-term relationships), and don't have any baggage (no kids yet, zero debt, crazy exes, no negative outlook on relationships, etc.).

 

I guess I'm an outlier or something. I guess if that's the case, you can just date men in their 20s, then. See if that's better. Personally, I don't broad brush people into groups (it feels like bigotry to me) and just take things on a case-by-case basis and see if it's a fit for me or not.

 

I agree, it is! I just have no experience dating those men and I might. The way she explained it made sense in a way, for both men and women, so it made me a little sad. but im thinking now she is the one with issues. It still makes me sad a lot of people do think this way. Sorry. Thread can be closed but idk.

Edited April 18, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[CptInsano]

[...]

She that the good guys that do get in long term relationships/married by then get divorced or breakup, and therefore back on the market are "seriously damaged" by what the girls they dated put them through. Because of this many have a very jaded view of women and become bitter in some way. She said women are more likely to bounce back afterwards and stay positive but good men usually won't leave until things are very bad and it messes up their view of women. She said avoid men over 40 (she's 40 something), not just the "spinsirs", but all because have too much "baggage" even if they were good guys. "There are no datable ones." [...]

 

True, youthful exuberance or ignorance (whatever you want to call it) has generally worn off by the age of 40. But making such a generalization makes me think that the woman making that statement sounds jaded and bitter. If by that age you are looking for what you were used to in your 20s, you will be very disappointed. If you are willing to accept somebody with a few shortcomings who is equally aware of how precious those things have become that still remain, you may be able to find a deeper connection than before.

[Spring23]

True, youthful exuberance or ignorance (whatever you want to call it) has generally worn off by the age of 40. But making such a generalization makes me think that the woman making that statement sounds jaded and bitter. If by that age you are looking for what you were used to in your 20s, you will be very disappointed. If you are willing to accept somebody with a few shortcomings who is equally aware of how precious those things have become that still remain, you may be able to find a deeper connection than before.

 

Very nice post!

[NTV]

I'm a dude and I think any woman who is basing her decision to date or not date me based on some generalized gossip magazinelike rule isn't worth the time it takes to get to know.

 

Now the woman of any adult age that is attractive enough to sleep with, smart enough to hold more than a 5 minute conversation (which is a back and forth dialog--so no just listening or making me just listen to her), and meets all the requirements to be a good person (not a liar, con artist etc.) is the woman that I'd be interested in getting to know better.

 

That's my take on it.

[stillafool]

I've read men say the best women are taken in their 20's and after that women have issues or have had too many men. You can't pay attention to these things or a lot of people will end up alone. You have to go by the individual.

[Ieris]

All good men taken by their early 20s?

 

I don't think that is the case, there are good men and women of all ages. If you can't see that then you have extreme tunnel vision and the woman who wrote that will likely die alone.

[ChatroomHero]

I saw most of my friends getting married in their late 20s and early 30s, and most of them seemed pretty much entirely miserable anytime I saw them. A lot of bickering, a lot of embarrassing fights in public etc. It seemed like they were too young and too co-dependent on each other. They used to always tell me how lucky I was to be single.

 

 

The women I attracted when I was younger were pretty fatally flawed. I would pay for dates, give them money for rent, gas, food...and then they would tell me how they were considering just up and quitting their job without anything lined up, because they didn't like it. I was at the point where I worked a lot and if I missed a day, I was screwed on money for a month so I just couldn't understand their priorities. They had no money but would be just fine if they quit, I worked my ass off and paid for everything and was totally screwed if I quit without another job. So in my 20s and early 30s I did not see much benefit of getting married unless I found someone that was really special.

 

 

I am not sure that makes me bad dating material now, I just think I was ahead of the curve and probably avoided a divorce or two. There were 2-3 women I could have married, it would have been a disaster, but I would find it odd that somehow being married and divorced once or twice makes me more dateable than not being married.

 

 

If I take my 10 closest friends that were all good people and not cheaters or d-bags, 8 of them divorced their first wife. To me it seems that would show they might not be long term material and cannot handle the stress of marriage and maybe deficient in making a marriage work. I am not sure I could be painted with that brush yet, so I am not sure why I would be judged more harshly for not already failing at least once.

 

 

At least my opinion is I function very well on my own and do well with women that are the same. Many of my married friends seem to not function well on their own and stay in relationships because they know this. I am not sure that is super healthy. I would judge each case on the person before pre-judging them based on age and whether or not they earned their "failed marriage" badge.

[Popsicle]

It's statistically impossible for all good men to be taken. I think you shouldn't worry so much, honey.

 

And Cookie, if you are mid-20's, you shouldn't be worrying yet about what men in their 40's are like anyway. Date men your age and you'll be fine. Don't get ahead of yourself.

Edited April 18, 2017 by Popsicle

[SwordofFlame]

So are all these good men also taken by good women? Is what's left only men and women with significant flaws? Or for some reason, it's more plausible that there are good women left after their early 20s, but for some reason no good men?

[CptInsano]

It's statistically impossible for all good men to be taken. I think you shouldn't worry so much, honey.[...]

 

No, not all good men will be taken. But I don't believe it will be easier for women in their 40s than it was for them in their 20s. Many men favor women in their 20s to 30s, and the statement in the original post was insofar correct, as that men take middle age harder than women. From risky behavior, alcohol, drugs or suicide, there has been a shift over the last decade. For white men the life expectancy is actually falling in the US, mainly because of the 45 to 55 age group. I've seen a decent amount of men who have not only removed themselves from the dating pool, but have given up on life in general.

[caveman621]

Well, just from personal experience. I found true love at about age 50. Married in late twenties and had the whole kids and white picket fence thing then finally realized I wasn't happy so did the divorce thing. All amicable, but I was living a lie for all those years. Am very, very happy with my "new" girlfriend (two years now) and never thought it could be this way.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that a lot of people by their late 20s figure it's time to get married and they do. After a lot of years realize it wasn't the best thing for them and end the marriage. Does that mean they are "damaged" or "flawed"? I don't think so. I think that, with more maturity and experience, they realize there is more out there and they know what they want and probably won't "settle" for good enough simply because it's "Time to get married."

[Popsicle]

No, not all good men will be taken. But I don't believe it will be easier for women in their 40s than it was for them in their 20s. Many men favor women in their 20s to 30s, and the statement in the original post was insofar correct, as that men take middle age harder than women. From risky behavior, alcohol, drugs or suicide, there has been a shift over the last decade. For white men the life expectancy is actually falling in the US, mainly because of the 45 to 55 age group. I've seen a decent amount of men who have not only removed themselves from the dating pool, but have given up on life in general.

 

Well, that's morbid.

 

I think the biggest obstacle to point to with older men is that they are more likely to be married than younger ones.

[mikeylo]

So men after 20 are not nice guys and women after 20 are ugly , lol !

[Jj66]

From listening to my 40-something female friends talk, I've concluded this: good men* are usually taken. They occasionally become available but they get snatched up quickly since they have lots of options.

 

*Defining good men here to mean they are charming, attractive, relationship-minded, emotionally mature, physically healthy, and financially stable.

[CptInsano]

Well, that's morbid. [...]

 

It's even worse when you take Middle and South America into consideration.

 

I think the biggest obstacle to point to with older men is that they are more likely to be married than younger ones.

 

I'd say that it is a secondary effect, meaning that this age group prefers to be in a stable relationship, and they are finding women to have these relationships with. The remaining pool is small because somebody got to them already.

[anduina]

This woman sounds jaded and bitter. Maybe she continues looking for her knight in shining armor which would be unrealistic so she suffers through one disappointment after another. A quote from George Carlin might be apt.

 

'Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.'

 

So it's not about the men. It's about her unrealistic expectations and that she personally might not bring enough to relationships, in order to attract unicorns.

[minimariah]

i REALLY wouldn't give it much thought.

 

that's a very shallow & immature statement... especially when you keep in mind that being in a relationship doesn't equal happiness and being in a GOOD relationship to begin with. so, logically - if someone is taken but are in a bad relationship that they refuse to leave... they're much more "flawed" and make an undesirable partner than those who are single because they know exactly what they want and won't settle for less.

 

some ladies want a taken man as a verification because they know they're not capable of making one on their own; they need someone else's judgement. some ladies just find it a turn on when a man is taken - they can't say ANY OF THAT out loud so that's how the "if he's worth something, he's taken" BS came about.

[Popsicle]

So men after 20 are not nice guys and women after 20 are ugly , lol !

 

Right? lol So silly.

 

 

Well, just from personal experience. I found true love at about age 50. Married in late twenties and had the whole kids and white picket fence thing then finally realized I wasn't happy so did the divorce thing. All amicable, but I was living a lie for all those years. Am very, very happy with my "new" girlfriend (two years now) and never thought it could be this way.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that a lot of people by their late 20s figure it's time to get married and they do. After a lot of years realize it wasn't the best thing for them and end the marriage. Does that mean they are "damaged" or "flawed"? I don't think so. I think that, with more maturity and experience, they realize there is more out there and they know what they want and probably won't "settle" for good enough simply because it's "Time to get married."

 

So true.

Edited April 18, 2017 by Popsicle

[normal person]

The reason I'm 30 and not taken is because I wanted to build a successful business and be able to have the resources to provide everything necessary for my future wife and kids. That takes years of work. Being in a committed relationship would mean spending a ton of time that I could be working doing relationship stuff that would prevent me from getting those things done. Relatively soon I'll have a house paid for in full, a passive income stream large enough to support myself and my partner for the rest of our lives, our kids' education paid for, and my future wife won't have to work if she doesn't want to.

 

I have seen plenty of friends and others make the mistake of getting married or too committed before they have their lives figured out, before they know what the other person can really bring to the table, before all the problems that can be solved get solved, they're stuck with a person whose shortcomings they never fully considered, they're resentful, and their lives are not great. They're stressed out, they're dependent on paychecks and bank loans, they have mouths to feed -- it honestly sounds like a nightmare. I don't see how any man can not feel emasculated while owing people money, feeling stuck, or being dependent on someone else. It can be a recipe for disaster.

 

Conversely there are men out there who put themselves in a spot where they will never have such problems, and neither will their wives or kids. But as I said, it takes years of work. I'm 30 and just about ready to give a girl a life she could only dream of, and I'm sure there are plenty of other guys out there in similar spots. Women who claim that all the good ones are "taken" by their early 20s are being myopic, in my opinion. You don't know how "good" a man is at that age. And if you settle down with him that soon and he spends a good amount of time with you, that's time taken away from him being able to study, learn, perfect his craft, build his business, etc. He may never reach his full potential if he has to dedicate half of his 20s to building relationship equity rather than sweat equity, home equity, business equity, etc.

 

At one point before he sold broadcast.com, Mark Cuban's girlfriend gave him an ultimatum: "It's your business, or me." He said "What was your name again?"

 

Do you think that woman regrets giving him that ultimatum now? And do you think Mark's current wife is happy she waited to marry a man who can actually provide? I'm not saying every woman should wait and try to marry a billionaire. But at least give honest, hard-working men the time and chance to develop and do something incredible with their lives before you write them off. Hopefully if a guy is single into his late 20s or 30s, he's done something incredible with his time like advanced far up the corporate ladder, saved a lot of money, built a business, etc.

 

It's a total gamble wondering if a guy in his early 20s will ever be the man you want him to be, especially if he has to dedicate time he could be building something financially viable (like a business, a practice, a career) and spend it building a relationship. My friend is currently experiencing a crisis right now for that exact reason. He dedicated all his time to building his relationship and now at 30, he's realizing he and has wife aren't particularly happy, and he's stuck because he never had the foresight to spend his time bettering himself, earning an advanced degree, or figuring out what he really wanted, and he jumped into things with the wrong partner.