He broke up with me for the second time.

[Glx]

Hello everyone,

 

Last week my boyfriend broke up with me for the second time.

Our story (you can also read my previous thread 1 year ago):

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/564165-ex-dumper-texting-he-scared

 

We've been dating before and living together for 2 years, then he broke up with me and moved out - he said it was because of out fights and that I was not acting mature. He said he didn't want to break up, but to him I was always jealous about every girl in his life and I was always creating problems out of nothing.

 

So I cried for 3 months and it was really hard to move on, but I did. I went NC. he was calling me from time to time but I never picked up. I started even better life without him - made a lot of new friends and looked much better than before. 7 months passed by, and in summer he wrote me a long message that he wants us back together, asked for second chance, called a lot of times and came to see me. He was really motivated and in love and did everything to gain my trust again.

 

Finally we were back together in August. I acted cold towards him and made it hard for him to win me back, but eventually I forgave him.

 

Our previous problems started again. We fought every week not just once because of some small stuff.

 

He still had hope, but last month was awful. He started asking for space and of course I started clinging to him even more than before. I was so afraid to lose him that I became even more jealous and controlling, I was crying a lot and being hysterical. I simply couldn't do anything with myself, I couldn't control my emotions. He started losing his interest and warned me not just once that I am destroying the relationship and he won't be able to hold on any longer if I will continue.

 

Last week we fought again and he didn't want to see me, but I started begging, crying, doing all the wrong stuff. I know. and one day over the phone he said that he was done. next day I begged him to meet, we met, I started crying and begging him for second chance. he was cold, said that I should go home, said the closed the door on out relationship completely. and that we were not right for each other. He said that the last time he broke up with me - he was confused if he made the right choice. But now he is not hesitating and even his family doesn't want this relationship anymore (before that they were always on my side and said that he made a mistake when he broke up for the 1st time)

 

So I wanted to go home, all in tears. He stopped me and said "ok", that we can try once more but if I will create any more fight - he will break up completely and "you are going to regret that you didn't let me go before".

 

I was heartbroken and confused. I realised that I made a mistake by not letting him go and the next day we decided to give each other space.

 

After 1 day he called me and said that there was an emergency and he needed me because he was in pain. I came to him and he was happy to see me, but still very confused. and I was confused too. so we had a fight and he accused me of everything - that he invested so many years in me and I screwed it again, that because of me he gained weigh, that he was not able to find a job because of me (because he was concentrating too much on our relationship). I went away and said that it was wrong of me to accuse me of that.

He was very disappointed with me. He said that "you are always negative, you are making my life worse, you always create problems."

 

Since then we didn't talk already for 3 days. He didn't call me or text. And I don't know what are we anymore, but I think its a break up.

 

Before that we were always talking on the phone, but not anymore...

Edited April 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added link to backstory ~6

[Glx]

By the way we are students, I am 21 and he is 25 now.

 

My parents are supporting me a lot now, they are my best friends. But they think that he manipulated me, that even though I created a lot of mess - he is not acting right by accusing me.

 

And they say that he came back first time because he understood that he lost me, then he wanted to win me back because I was cold to him. But then I "gave up" and he found my weak sides, then understood that I actually didn't change and he just fed his Ego and then left because he lost interest again. The also say that he's not acting like a man...

 

Of course when I spoke to my ex before he claimed that he loved me deeply but we ended like this mostly because of my mistakes and he never wanted to do anything bad towards me... :(

[lovelymay]

Hello everyone,

 

Last week my boyfriend broke up with me for the second time.

Our story (you can also read my previous thread 1 year ago):

We've been dating before and living together for 2 years, then he broke up with me and moved out - he said it was because of out fights and that I was not acting mature. He said he didn't want to break up, but to him I was always jealous about every girl in his life and I was always creating problems out of nothing.

 

So I cried for 3 months and it was really hard to move on, but I did. I went NC. he was calling me from time to time but I never picked up. I started even better life without him - made a lot of new friends and looked much better than before. 7 months passed by, and in summer he wrote me a long message that he wants us back together, asked for second chance, called a lot of times and came to see me. He was really motivated and in love and did everything to gain my trust again.

 

Finally we were back together in August. I acted cold towards him and made it hard for him to win me back, but eventually I forgave him.

 

Our previous problems started again. We fought every week not just once because of some small stuff.

 

He still had hope, but last month was awful. He started asking for space and of course I started clinging to him even more than before. I was so afraid to lose him that I became even more jealous and controlling, I was crying a lot and being hysterical. I simply couldn't do anything with myself, I couldn't control my emotions. He started losing his interest and warned me not just once that I am destroying the relationship and he won't be able to hold on any longer if I will continue.

 

Last week we fought again and he didn't want to see me, but I started begging, crying, doing all the wrong stuff. I know. and one day over the phone he said that he was done. next day I begged him to meet, we met, I started crying and begging him for second chance. he was cold, said that I should go home, said the closed the door on out relationship completely. and that we were not right for each other. He said that the last time he broke up with me - he was confused if he made the right choice. But now he is not hesitating and even his family doesn't want this relationship anymore (before that they were always on my side and said that he made a mistake when he broke up for the 1st time)

 

So I wanted to go home, all in tears. He stopped me and said "ok", that we can try once more but if I will create any more fight - he will break up completely and "you are going to regret that you didn't let me go before".

 

I was heartbroken and confused. I realised that I made a mistake by not letting him go and the next day we decided to give each other space.

 

After 1 day he called me and said that there was an emergency and he needed me because he was in pain. I came to him and he was happy to see me, but still very confused. and I was confused too. so we had a fight and he accused me of everything - that he invested so many years in me and I screwed it again, that because of me he gained weigh, that he was not able to find a job because of me (because he was concentrating too much on our relationship). I went away and said that it was wrong of me to accuse me of that.

He was very disappointed with me. He said that "you are always negative, you are making my life worse, you always create problems."

 

Since then we didn't talk already for 3 days. He didn't call me or text. And I don't know what are we anymore, but I think its a break up.

 

Before that we were always talking on the phone, but not anymore...

 

Oh no, BIG HUG!

First of all, I think you're better off without him at this moment.

If he accuses you for his current life, it means he's emotionally unstable. YOU haven't done anything wrong, you've got nothing to do with it. It's HIS problem. At the end, we all have our lives in our own hands. It's so wrong of him to accuse you for his miseries.

 

I think he's lost it and he should fix it, not you. Don't let it ruin your life at this moment. When he broke up with you the 1st time you were better off without him and improved your life, right? So this time it might even get better.

[Ronnys93]

By the way we are students, I am 21 and he is 25 now.

 

My parents are supporting me a lot now, they are my best friends. But they think that he manipulated me, that even though I created a lot of mess - he is not acting right by accusing me.

 

And they say that he came back first time because he understood that he lost me, then he wanted to win me back because I was cold to him. But then I "gave up" and he found my weak sides, then understood that I actually didn't change and he just fed his Ego and then left because he lost interest again. The also say that he's not acting like a man...

 

Of course when I spoke to my ex before he claimed that he loved me deeply but we ended like this mostly because of my mistakes and he never wanted to do anything bad towards me... :(

 

I'm so sorry that you went through that. I do have to say though it sounds like this was a toxic situation that grew worse and worse. Him blaming you for stuff that has happened to him is not right at all. I do think think that you were able to get him back because he realized what it was not to have you in his life. The truth is that this may have been a power play on his end to gain control of the relationship. There likely was some ego boosting and he realized that he really isn't interested in staying with you.

 

THAT part however is over. The damage is done, and all you can really do is move on from here on out. Try your best to follow the no contact guides on here. I really would recommend that if he DOES beg and plead for you back that you just block him and move on. This guy sounds like a big mess waiting to happen on your end.

[ExpatInItaly]

A relationship should not be this dramatic or toxic.

 

Let this second break-up be your confirmation that you two don't work as a couple. It's time for you both to move on.

[Glx]

Rationally I understand that I should just block him everywhere and move on.

But my hope doesn't die - after all he really did a lot of stuff for me and was tolerant to my previous "fights". and maybe if I knew that I did everything right and was a perfect girlfriend - then I would be able to let him go.

 

But in reality I am just beating myself up for my mistakes and fights, and thinking that I really brought us to an end. that he would have stayed that loving and warm guy if only I could control myself.

 

this is why I even think that it´s not his loss, but that I lost such a great guy who wanted to do everything for me and my own behaviour screwed it all.

 

and I think that I ll never meet anyone better, but he will for sure find a nice girl who doesn't create fights. :(

 

the other thing that kills me is that now he knows for sure that I didn't change. and in the first break up he thought that maybe he made a mistake, but now he sees that he did everything right.

 

and I am telling him that I love him a lot and I am willing to change my mistakes, but he says that it´s too late and he can't believe me anymore. Once he even said "it´s the same with cheating - you can forgive a person once and believe that he made a mistake, but when it happens everytime you can't trust this person anymore."

 

and he can't trust me now.

[Ronnys93]

Rationally I understand that I should just block him everywhere and move on.

But my hope doesn't die - after all he really did a lot of stuff for me and was tolerant to my previous "fights". and maybe if I knew that I did everything right and was a perfect girlfriend - then I would be able to let him go.

 

But in reality I am just beating myself up for my mistakes and fights, and thinking that I really brought us to an end. that he would have stayed that loving and warm guy if only I could control myself.

 

this is why I even think that it´s not his loss, but that I lost such a great guy who wanted to do everything for me and my own behaviour screwed it all.

 

and I think that I ll never meet anyone better, but he will for sure find a nice girl who doesn't create fights. :(

 

the other thing that kills me is that now he knows for sure that I didn't change. and in the first break up he thought that maybe he made a mistake, but now he sees that he did everything right.

 

and I am telling him that I love him a lot and I am willing to change my mistakes, but he says that it´s too late and he can't believe me anymore. Once he even said "it´s the same with cheating - you can forgive a person once and believe that he made a mistake, but when it happens everytime you can't trust this person anymore."

 

and he can't trust me now.

 

I assure you that this is not just your fault. I'm sure you have SOME to do with the breakup, each partner does. However, you're being a little hard on yourself and because you're vulnerable and hurt you're not thinking properly.

[Glx]

I just want him to believe that I can change and I want him to see how much I am willing to do for the relationship.

 

and I feel very hurt that even though he accused me of all the bad things in the life - he doesn't even try to communicate anymore with me. that he doesn't understand that this behaviour is wrong.

 

I really have a feeling that he just doesn't care anymore. and it hurts so much that he always said that I am his future bride and his everything - and now we are like this.

 

By the way he also thinks that I am just obsessed with him. that he truly loves me (because he sees that we are not compatible and he can let me go even though he loves me - for him it´s a sign of true love)

 

but he says what I have is not love, it´s just an obsession. and that it will pass away and I will find someone who makes me happy... :(

[Goodguy05]

I assure you that this is not just your fault. I'm sure you have SOME to do with the breakup, each partner does. However, you're being a little hard on yourself and because you're vulnerable and hurt you're not thinking properly.

 

I agree with the above. Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm not so sure it's over the way it ended. It sounds like a bit of a power play is about to begin. It's hard to say we don't know your relationship like you do however it's true your self esteem has taken a blow. It's hard to think straight and it's easy to fixate the whole problem as yours it never is in a relationship breakdown. Try writing some points down about his behaviour good and bad try and and be objective. Hey my ex use to fight with me all the time but I never left I stuck it out until she left me lol. So just try and calm your emotions and think objectively. We dumpees always think it's our fault because they ended it. There a many reasons someone chooses to end a relationship sometimes it has really nothing to do with you. Just give yourself a couple of days to collect yourself right that stuff down. Where human and it's ok to see where we may have gone wrong that's what pain will do but be so quick to assume it was all your doing ?

[AT15]

A year ago, in your old post, I told you that he would come begging you back if you went NC and he did.

 

You need to show him again.

 

And really seek counseling and work on your anxious attachment issues. I have the same attachment style. I get very emotionally attached and dependent. I become anxious too. Your style of attaching is probably the polar opposite of his style.

 

Little by little allow yourself to detach from him. You're going to feel down, but take it one emotion at a time. You will see how much you will mature and grow.

[Purepony]

Move on! This guys a clown

[Glx]

Move on! This guys a clown

 

 

Why do you think so?

[Glx]

Still trying to understand why he hasn't contacted me yet. doesn't he really care or is he just playing a game and thinking that I should contact him first...

 

before that we spoke all the time during the day.

 

already 3 days of NC passed - it´s true that the first week is always the hardest.

 

 

I also feel sad because I think that he wouldn´t act like that with a girl with good boundaries and self-esteem. I think he would be a true gentlemen with her and wouldn't lose his interest.

It´s something that I really have to work on I guess

[nowhereboy]

It´s something that I really have to work on I guess

 

Just be yourself, unless your behaviour is abusive and vindictive I don't believe you need to change.

 

What makes me say that?

 

I'm exactly the same as you and my ex sounds very similar to yours.

 

People like us should be in relationships with people like us. I'd adore your little insecurities and co dependant behaviour as long as it wasn't to the point of being super controlling and abusive because I'm exactly the same way.

 

Just some food for thought.

[Glx]

I really don't believe that I can recover for the second time from this heartbreak.

And no one ever gave me so much pain... but I still love him.

 

its already the 4th day that we are not talking. It hurts so much that he is trying to get rid of me in his life...

 

I dont think that I can love someone like that again. I don't believe that I can fall in love again, too. He was a man of my dreams and even during our previous break up I couldn't find a better man than him.

[winterkeep]

Ah sweetie, it's ok to hurt it's meant to and it will pass I promise you that.

 

What won't pass is the pain if you stay in this situation, you are not solely responsible for this and the fact that he is trying to put this on you in really concerning and manipulative.

 

You're really young and have your while life ahead of you, don't waste it staying in a situation that makes you unhappy.

[Glx]

We still didn't talk with each other and he does not try to stay in contact at all.

I don´t understand his behaviour but I am thinking of deleting him from Facebook, because silence speaks louder than words, and it clearly indicates that he does not want me in his life.

[AT15]

Sometimes paths cross for a certain amount of time and then you are meant to move on.

 

I felt the same way you are feeling now. Too many times to mention. I'm going on 38 and I felt every single time I was let go of, I would never love anyone as much as I love so and so. It's just not true. The love will be different with each partner. It will be fuller, more in line with who you are destined to become.

 

Give yourself space to overcome this. Because you will.

[spiderowl]

I'm so sorry you are hurting like this. Did we ever get a sense of what the arguments were really about? Were you acting above and beyond what is normal in a relationship or was his behaviour making you feel insecure? If someone makes you feel insecure, that is not likely to change.

 

I am sure he is confused and uncertain because he wanted your love. However, he has also hurt you AGAIN. This is definitely not a guy to engage with again. I am really sorry you have had to go through this twice. It's amazing how another person clinging on can make life so much more difficult and the pain appear never-ending.

 

You did get to a reasonable point last time when you were without him. Try to remember that it is possible. Keep posting on here because you need and deserve support now. It is his loss. I am sure with the right person you would not feel so insecure.

 

xx

[Glx]

We are still not talking to each other.

 

Yesterday i went travelling with my friends and i posted a picture of us having a good time. The same evening he removed his profile picture where we are together.

 

Well i guess i have my answer on this situation...

In our last conversation he was just asking for space and for me to leave him alone. He was angry and also said "lets talk later" before i left.

Of course we never talked or saw each other after that

[klick09]

Your story sounds so much like mine. My ex broke up with me TWICE, and both times he was accusing me of being controlling, jealous, wasting his time, etc. In his words "I gave you so many chances to make things right, and you f-ed up every time". You are going to believe his words for some time, then you will have ups and downs, going from I do not care to full blown panic attacks that you have to hear from him, or you will go insane. Someone on this forum said that you have to get through worst before feeling good. I followed this advice, and when I had the moments of pure insanity, I would tell myself "this is the storm I am getting through before feeling good again". I cannot emphasize how true this is. So, please, when you feel like giving in, calling, talking to him, please remember this. Eventually, and quite naturally, you will start to see that not everything was your fault and that it takes two to tango. You will feel the void, and miss the feeling of love and security, but you will see things about this person more clearly. Just think, this person is accusing you how horrible of a partner you are, but you are here pouring your heart out because you had so much love for him. The bottom line is, you deserve better, and you will heal.

My ex and I broke up 4 months ago, and it has been 1 month of strict NC. I still get emotional at the moments, and I still get angry at the moments, but I also have these powerful moments of peace where I realize that I am a loving and emotional person, who has so much to give. Stay no contact, jump on some kind of project, and remember that this too shall pass. Hugs to you.

[Glx]

Thanks! Omg he said EXACTLY the same things, word to word - that he gave me many chances and every time i screwed it up!

 

Yeah i told him how much i want our relationship to work out. But he says that if i would truly love him i wouldn't do these mistakes all the time. He also believes that it was my fault that he left the first time also. He said that i pushed him to do this because of our fights.

 

Now he believes that i am a good person, he thinks that actually i am almost a perfect girlfriend if only i wouldn't create so many problems out of nothing.

He says that maybe we are just not a match, he believes that i can change but "he doesnt have time to wait for it to happen".

And he thinks that i killed "us" and his love myself. And that we are not right for each other and that we would be happier in relationship with different people.

 

It hurt so much to hear it from him!! Because i always believed that he is the one, i really adore his personality, i dreamed of having a family with him and he knows it.

 

Because of these words i continue to beat myself up every time...

[Glx]

But i can't judge him because of his decison. Even if the guy is great everybody eventually gets tired of constant fights and i understand it.

I just regret so much that i couldn't make him happy.

He thinks that he invested a lot in this relationship and i hurt him again and again.

It so sad to accept that we are so different.

I wish i would act differently in a lot of situations - but you can't take the time back.

[klick09]

Thanks! Omg he said EXACTLY the same things, word to word - that he gave me many chances and every time i screwed it up!

 

Yeah i told him how much i want our relationship to work out. But he says that if i would truly love him i wouldn't do these mistakes all the time. He also believes that it was my fault that he left the first time also. He said that i pushed him to do this because of our fights.

 

Now he believes that i am a good person, he thinks that actually i am almost a perfect girlfriend if only i wouldn't create so many problems out of nothing.

He says that maybe we are just not a match, he believes that i can change but "he doesnt have time to wait for it to happen".

And he thinks that i killed "us" and his love myself. And that we are not right for each other and that we would be happier in relationship with different people.

 

It hurt so much to hear it from him!! Because i always believed that he is the one, i really adore his personality, i dreamed of having a family with him and he knows it.

 

Because of these words i continue to beat myself up every time...

Are you my lost clone living in some parallel universe going through the same mess as me? On the other hand, maybe we have the same ex Let me tell you these:

-"You are funny, beautiful, you can have everything in this world if you were just not this aggressive" (aggressive meaning causing fights not physical)

-" If you loved me, you would have stopped doing things I asked you to stop"

-"I gave you so many chances and you screwed up each and every one of them"

-"I am done giving any more chances"

Soon you will realize that this behavior is quite egoistic and manipulative. As if, oh I am God and here are your chances to please me, but you failed. Come here, write, cry, but please give yourself some time to start seeing the real manipulation behind these statements. (and by the way, he may not be doing it purposely, but it is a victim play role and please do not fall for that. It takes 2 to work things out and to break them.

[Glx]

I was never able to "read" him.

Even now i don't understand if he really lost his feelings or he is just tired of me. Or if he's waiting that i will contact him, waiting for me to prove smth maybe.

 

Because i really don't understand how you can love someone and break up with them. There were a lot of moments where i thought that we are not working out, not right for each other ect. but i would never break up with him because of it. Because he is the man i chose and i stick to the people i love.

 

And i want to show him that i changed, but he is even not contacting me anymore.