He broke up with me for the second time.

[Glx]

I am just really sad that he gave up on me, though he did tolerate a lot of stuff.

He thiks that i am controlling and i don't want his happiness, and that i don't respect him enough.

[Glx]

But it´s true that NC is the best thing to move on, though in the first weeks it´s very tough.

It´s been almost two weeks and I started feeling a bit better than before.

[Glx]

Do you think that maybe I should write to him an apology for my behaviour and mistakes?

 

maybe he is not talking to me because he can't forgive me or he is too hurt.

or maybe he is waiting for me to realise my mistakes and for me to contact him first, I don't know...

[Glx]

Still no contact at all.

He started deleting our pictures from Facebook.

To be honest before that I had hope, but now I don´t. I just feel so hurt.

I thought that if I will give him some time he will calm down and things can be better between us. But I think I was wrong.

 

I think I should delete him from my facebook. I wanted to give him space at first and I thought that maybe he will contact me, but maybe the only right move would be to cut him off my life completely. And I really didn't want to do so.

 

I feel really bad

[SpecialJ]

I read your old thread, and this one. They made me want to say three things.

 

First, you're 21 and had been together a while both times, right? So you got together very, very young, which decreases the chances this will be your last and your lasting relationship because you are not done growing and will keep changing. You grew last time he broke up with you and you probably had changed somewhat since the first relationship... but it sounds like maybe he didn't, and he was also responsible this time for dragging you back to the old dynamic and setting you back on some of that growth. I think you telling him early on after the first breakup that you shouldn't get back together right away (because you typed here that not enough would have changed) while he was being wishy washy shows maturity on your part and immaturity on his.

 

Second, I just said all that stuff because I see a pattern that I'm trying to set up. This comment in January 2016 summarizes it nicely:

 

"6th January 2016, 8:35 AM #35

ExtraSpice

 

He seems to be super hesitant. As though he wants you to be the one to say lets do it and if it doesn't work out, he can pin some of the blame on you. And also it seems like every time you bring up something that bothered you he seems to counter it with something that you did wrong.

 

That is no way to handle discussions. Instead of admitting to his own faults he seems to be diverting blame on to you even more."

 

So, he's ALWAYS blamed you for everything and diverted his responsibility for the problems to you. He can't take any accountability while you are trying to take responsibility for your piece and figure out how to fix it... this is very immature of him. And very controlling.

 

Which brings me to the third thing: I agree with the posters who said in both threads that he sounds very manipulative. Anytime someone says, "if you loved me then you'd do this thing I want," it's a giant red flag. You said, "He thiks that i am controlling and i don't want his happiness, and that i don't respect him enough." Do you agree and think this is true? Sure you made mistakes too, but you're young and learning. Do you honestly think these were your mistakes? Or is he projecting his own issues onto you?

 

He sounds immature, insecure, and like he's not ready to handle his own issues. YOU gave HIM two chances, and he blew it. I know this is really hard and you love him. Be lenient with yourself and nice to yourself for now. Stay no contact, not to get him back but to give yourself enough distance to assess what you really might have done that you want to address about yourself without his lens on it distorting things for you. Then work that out for your own sake and growth, and hopefully you'll be feeling better and starting to move on by then, because he sounds like bad news and isn't doing any work of his own to change that. He won't be a good long term partner for you in that case, and you deserve better. Maybe in several months after that you'll decide you want to be friends and in contact, but it's not possible now.

 

Good luck and big hug!

 

-J

Edited May 7, 2017 by SpecialJ

[Soak]

My ex broke up with me TWICE, and both times he was accusing me of being controlling, jealous, wasting his time, etc. In his words "I gave you so many chances to make things right, and you f-ed up every time".

 

That sounds like arrogance, narcissism and abuse to me. What a horrible thing to say to someone. These jerks (inc. OP's ex) are lucky they had someone around who cared about them, and WANTED to be with them.

 

You probably did nothing wrong, yet your gut instinct was picking up that something was not right, that you were not being honored in the way that you should.

 

Do not believe this tripe from narcissists like this. You may not realise it now, but you have dodged a bullet of being with a cruel and heartless person.

 

Onwards and upwards ladies

[Glx]

One month of no contact passed.

 

I feel more stable, but at the same time I feel so empty inside. And I still don't understand what happened between us.

 

he doesn't post anything on social media, just deleted some pictures of us, we are still Facebook friends, and I have 0 idea what is happening in his life.

 

I am trying to analyse what happened over and over again, but it doesn't make sense. I even feel that my mind "blocked" the bad memories and all of our fights, so I can't remember exactly what we said to each other last time.

 

and I am wondering: how doesn't he even want to talk to me or ask how I am after all these years?

 

last time we broke up he still tried to keep in touch sometimes and even called me once or twice every month, though I didn't pick up. Maybe this time he learned that I will not respond anymore, or he just really lost his feelings.

 

I am still crushed from the thoughts how could we fail so miserably for the second time. we had a great chance to start over again, and it finished so bad.

 

its still very hard to wake up every morning and realise we are not together anymore. and I am still hoping that he will call.

 

and the worst thing is that on one hand I know that we are done for good, we tried twice and it didn't happen. it would be a crazy idea to even consider getting back together, and he hurt me twice, so there is no trust anymore.

 

on the other hand I realise that its mostly my fault that it didn't work out. if It would be another girl, she would have acted differently and the relationship would be great with him. He was the best boyfriend to me when things were good...

and I really miss him and I can't even look at other guys.

 

It is really hard the second time around, because last time there was hope that maybe we rushed a bit, maybe we made a mistake. maybe both of us grew up and we could be happy together. But then we tried and we failed, and now we KNOW that its not going to be better... there is no hope, its just an illusion.

its SO hard to accept the though that we are not right for each other and its so hard to let go...

 

and I am so afraid that he may never contact me again. at the same time if he really doesn't love me, then maybe its for the best...

[Glx]

When I am thinking and analysing out break uo again, it even gets to the point where I am not sure if he is actually the dumper here, or if the break up was mutual..

 

because he did mention that he wants to break up, then the next day I cried and begged (did all the wrong things), he decided to give it a chance, he wanted to spend time with me but I felt weird because I felt that I pushed him into being with me again. so I said that yes maybe we need some time apart. we decided that the break up was still happening, then the next morning he called several times and tells me that he needs me because of some health problems that appeared that morning.

 

I came to his place and he was really happy to see me, said that we should get back together. but I was still hesitating because of this push and pull game, I said that I want to have a good relationship, not like this...

 

then we fought and he accused me that I am playing with his feelings, I didn't agree and went away. wished him all the best and he was very irritated and said "lets do it without extra drama" and "lets talk later"

 

this is how it all finished. so there was even no goodbye or anything.

 

and I still don't know who is right and who is wrong. everything seems so messy to me.

 

Just keep saying to myself that "his silence is the best response wether he wants to be with you or no". But what if he thinks the same? Maybe he feels hurt and that is the reason he is not contacting me anymore.

 

I am even doubting my memories! sometimes I think I am really going crazy...

[SpecialJ]

If he's immature and controlling, like it sounds from the whole story, then he's probably angry that he lost control of the relationship (you wouldn't come back right away) and maybe is punishing you. From what you said about the last time you spoke, he was emotionally responding to you, let's get together!, versus having a mature conversation with you about how to really improve things and get together in a way that might be different and better. Since you didn't hear that, you were hesitant, so he lashed out at you instead. Or he may also actually be trying to move on, in which case you need to respect that.

 

Either way, you're doing a good job. Stay the no contact course. It hurts, but it takes time to gain enough distance for perspective. He doesn't sound like a good guy for you, so talking and working it out at this point in time will just bring you more pain.