Should I stay or should I go?

[mmathers]

Seriously? He was bothered by you going to al-anon meetings and asked you to skip and go to a bar? That says it right there, he has no insight and does not think there is a problem. That is ridiculous!

 

Furthermore, this is an absolute mess. You know that, right? The FIL behavior is absolutely unacceptable. The fact that your husband is not supporting you and telling his father that his behavior is unacceptable, is unacceptable.

 

Your husband is correct about one thing - this is a very toxic relationship. You don't understand his behavior... This is exactly what people have been telling you - he is not a good guy. you have been blinded by "love" and you have failed to really accept that there is some very concerning behavior here. He wants you to work on yourself... What a gem! He's blame shifting (blaming all of his problems and the problems in your relationship on you) and you are allowing this. Do what he wants and walk away... File for an annulment. Don't look back except to work with your counsellor to figure out how you got into such an unhappy, unhealthy relationship? And then, really think about why you didn't leave sooner. Thank goodness you are not pregnant. This is a total disaster. I'm so sorry...

 

It's really time to say, I made a mistake and this relationship is not going to work out. There is no shame in saying that.... The only shame would be if you stayed in an unhealthy relationship where you are treated with such disrespect - by both your husband and his father.

 

 

so some more updates, writing this is therapeutic for me so please dont mind me

 

i spoke with several lawyers, none seem to think annulment will apply and that we would have to get divorced. i really hate the concept of that because of the time invested with this guy , i feel i have failed and i have tried soooo hard but in the end it may not matter.

 

i spoke briefly to his mom to let her know that he asked me to move out. she wants to talk to me more later since she was at work so im curious what she will have to say about all this.

 

i told my mom about the troubles. she feels really badly that all this is happening but at the same time she understands why i didnt tell her about this from the beginning

 

spoke to my husband he seems he wants to live in his apt and have me move out to another apt. i told him i can do that but it would likely take me a month to find an apt and then get everything moved there. he said he didnt want it to be 'rushed'. i mentioned separation(legal) , mediation and divorce and he got upset by that prospect. saying again that he just needed space. i wanted to get an endpoint but he didnt seem ready to actually terminate the relationship. he seems to think im treating him like a child and i feel like im becoming his mother. i would really like to work on this aspect of the relationship but i have to recognize that i cant force him to do what he doesnt want to. i think that owning that really made the difference and he softened a little, i didnt realizing he was harboring so much resentment for that , almost as much as i resented having to tell him to do that stuff. he mentioned how i told other people about stupid stuff he did and i realize that i did poke fun about that kind of stuff and maybe was not sensitive that i was hurting his feelings. i did feel bad but at the same time i told him i think he was trying was really hard and i was trying really hard but we were trying hard for different things and thats why all the fights were happening. i thought that if we spent more time together over the coming mos we would have a chance of resolution but if he needs more space, then it seems like we would be veering away from that concept.

 

im treating this relationship as dwindling. i hate to give up on him but at the same time i know what i have to do.

[usa1ah]

hi bailey

 

husband has told me not to tell my parents we are married until he is done with school. i told him i wanted to tell them but he said 'he was reading his audience'

 

we are in our mid 30s so im not sure if you are referring to our actual ages. i feel that im being a responsible adult but he is not

 

This is why you got married to soon. You are finding out to many things after the fact.

 

Why should you not tell your parents? This would hurt like hell if my kids one day did this. Where they not supportive when you were growing up.

 

Lastly, your FIL groped you. Your husband basically said get past it. Really, why are you not getting your own place till your man child grows up.

[mmathers]

This is why you got married to soon. You are finding out to many things after the fact.

 

Why should you not tell your parents? This would hurt like hell if my kids one day did this. Where they not supportive when you were growing up.

 

Lastly, your FIL groped you. Your husband basically said get past it. Really, why are you not getting your own place till your man child grows up.

 

 

we didnt live together before getting married, but i thought we mature enough to deal with this. apparently i was wrong

 

my parents....where to begin? they are very controlling. if i take a step they dont want me to take, they stop communicating with me. i havent talked to my dad in a month. not a surprise thats how he deals with me. my mom is a bit more 'understanding' which is why i told her

 

my husband doesnt know how to handle the FIL groping, his drinking, his weed, his goals in life, me. he said he wants to take back his life. thats the first indication i have seen that he is taking some kind of 'ownership'. he is still going to school and making his plans for that. hes trying to keep himself busy as am i. im working on getting my own apartment, which is basically the same situation we were in just 5 mos ago. i wish i listened to my instinct and not moved into his place until i was ready but i did this to keep him happy.

 

i talked to some lawyers, im supposed to meet with one next week. im not sure what to do since my husband was upset that i went to a lawyer when he said he wanted a separation. its confusing for me because theres so much uncertainty and i like things to be a bit more stable...

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. But, I think it's time to think about what you want for YOUR life - not what he wants, what his mother wants, what your parents want... What do you want?

 

Your husband, bless him, talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk... Think about this...

 

- he asked you to skip an al-anon meeting to go drinking with him

- he refuses to talk with his parents when his father's behavior is clearly unacceptable

- he wants some "space" but asked then gave you the responsibility to move out

- but, he doesn't want a divorce...

 

It's all about him, all the time. If you want a divorce, file for divorce. Your husband doesn't have to agree. He's had every opportunity to turn is ship around and he hasn't done so...

 

Yes, you've invested some time in this relationship... at this point, all you can do is make a different decision, get YOUR own life back on a more positive track, and learn from this experience.

 

Life, and marriage, really shouldn't be this hard. Relationships, and marriage, should bring joy and happiness to your life... what you've experienced in your marriage isn't normal, and it isn't healthy...

Edited May 6, 2017 by BaileyB

[mmathers]

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. But, I think it's time to think about what you want for YOUR life - not what he wants, what his mother wants, what your parents want... What do you want?

 

so here are my updates

1. i did start talking to a therapist. she is nice. she pointed out that i could have found a partner that has some similarity with my life growing up. something i did not really consider since my dad is not addicted to any drugs or alcohol and is more accomplished from the education perspective compared to my husband

 

2. after i moved to my own place,which was 1.5 mos ago, my husband said we were' still married'. he came over and asked me to tell him what 'my issues were with him'. he wrote done with pen and paper and i gave him five things to think about: our terrible communication and circular convo, his addictions, he was financially dependent on his parents,his lack of career/long term goals, he was in no position to have a family/kids

 

after this, he went into silence mode, i tried reaching out to him until finally a week went by. i went to his place to talk to him. asking him to get help for his addictions, that my insurance through work would pay for it, i gave him a few weeks to think about it. he said i 'wasnt in the position to give him an ulitmatum'. we talked for 7 hrs. he also gave me a list of 'issues he had with me'. which turned into a sort of rant. he had about 30 items, and the number one kept changing from me being bossy to me not caring about our marriage, to me having to fix things with his family. other items on the list were just parts of my personality and others were just not rational in any way. i got the rest of my things and left. i left the list at his place. he called me b'c he was upset i left the list at his place saying it showed how much i cared about him and that 'he couldnt make me love him'. he called me the next day asking me what my intentions were. which was stunning since we talked about this ad nauseum the day before.

 

i closed our joint bank acct, as i said i would. his mom then called me at night to get more info about it. i told her our discussion the day before. she asked me to 'give in to him' if i wanted 'keep the marriage', i pointed out that he was continuously insulting me, blaming me and did not want to do any work on preserving our marriage. she said that he 'worked for his dad' which was the first time i heard her justify his work. since she never spoke that way about his way of life before.

 

the next day hubs called me to say he was removing the license plates from my car, my car was registered in his name. so i went down and confronted him, he was upset and obviously wanted that face to face. he returned the plates the next day and i was able to switch my car back to my name in the next two weeks. he emailed me that he wanted the plates back and that i could drop them off when i had them switched, and that he wanted me to pay "my parents back for stuff they paid for your car'. i mailed him his plates, rather than drive me and risk a run in with him. after receiving them, he blocked AND unfollowed me on instagram.

 

i sent him an email asking him again to get help and provided him with contact for an outpt rehab center not far from his apartment. i also bought him an online quit weed course. he replied by asking me i created a linked in profile for him and that he wanted me to 'speed up our divorce'. he did not reply to me by the deadline i gave him. i also cc'd this email to my therapist who thought it was 'beautiful and written in a very loving way' and to MIL. i was disappointed that i had heard from him and after another week and a half i was on my way to file. he emailed to say he had not 'heard from me about filing', also saying he wanted a safety deposit key back and that he had other things of mine at his parents. he then made his instagram public and posted more, which is odd, since he is so paranoid. as if he wanted me to see what hes doing. he still has the linked in up.

 

so i filed last week. he got the papers .

 

the next day his mom called me , i did not answer. she texted me hours later and asked me to call her. i said i would after work,, and i did. so she essentially said she had those things to pick up whenever i was ready.i said sure. then she asked if i would be ok with paying for those things they did for my car, i said sure just tell me the amount and ill mail you the check. pretty petty but i am shocked that this woman would be talked into this by hubs. then she said she didnt know why this happened. i told her i tried my very best to offer help to my husband but he made a choice to not take it, that this was not how i wanted things to go but he kept emailing me asking me about filing, and that i thought it was funny how i was talking to her(my mil) more than him(my husband)! she said that she hoped one day i would find happiness moving forward and would pray for all of us. i told her that i wished nothing but best for her son and i never wanted him to be miserable.so that was how we left it. it is amazing to me that he has not reached out in any way but is using his mother to do his dirty work. and that she is complying with him is more mind blowing

 

my mom stayed with me for the past 2 weeks, which was good in some ways so i was not constantly ruminating about this, im trying to just do more work to keep my mind off this. im going on a trip in a few days , and another one in a month

 

im waiting for the court date, which is next month, im really not happy about anything , i am sad and , you will call me crazy, but i still wonder what else i could have done, im having my oscar schindler moment! anyways, thanks for letting me vent

[BluesPower]

You did the right thing...

 

You will realize this more and more as time passes. When you actually start dating a grown man that thinks and acts like a grown man, you will think you were crazy for staying so long...

 

Everyone thinks that, but you can't go back. I still hate myself for saying with my ExW so long, but it is was it is.

 

You have in there and just keep moving forward...

[BaileyB]

You did the right thing. And you will know this with certainty, when you date another man who treats you with the love and respect that you deserve.

 

Best wishes.

[Whodatdog]

This was quite a read. I know you are very upset by this, but I do think in a year or two, you will look back on this and find it was the very best thing you could do for yourself. Had you stayed with him, where do you think you would be 5 years from now? 10 years? 20 years? It really isnt a pretty future.

 

Sorry its so tough on you right now.

[mmathers]

This was quite a read. I know you are very upset by this, but I do think in a year or two, you will look back on this and find it was the very best thing you could do for yourself. Had you stayed with him, where do you think you would be 5 years from now? 10 years? 20 years? It really isnt a pretty future.

 

Sorry its so tough on you right now.

 

only time will tell

 

tbh, i think he was 'testing me', the emails which he sent were almost like he was daring me to file and then when i finally did, which he was not expecting, his mom calls:mad: my parents both think 'he isnt done' and will continue to find a way to stay in touch just to 'bother me'. i really just wanted him to get his life together and none of this would have been even needed but he would rather spend his time/energy getting back 500 bucks here and there, instead of having a fulfilling relationship. it really makes no sense to me

[mmathers]

You did the right thing. And you will know this with certainty, when you date another man who treats you with the love and respect that you deserve.

 

Best wishes.

 

well bailey i hope you are right. ill definitely be in touch

[mmathers]

You did the right thing...

 

You will realize this more and more as time passes. When you actually start dating a grown man that thinks and acts like a grown man, you will think you were crazy for staying so long...

 

Everyone thinks that, but you can't go back. I still hate myself for saying with my ExW so long, but it is was it is.

 

You have in there and just keep moving forward...

 

 

i know that for what i did now, i dont think i could do really do more, but i always wonder and ponder if i could've done more. i really see/saw a lot of potential in him. he has an intelligent mind but he is just wasting it. i hope in many ways he does turn his life around and get his act together. everyone does not see that ever happening. but i would like to see. at least that is something i think about now as well

[usa1ah]

You did the right thing...

 

You will realize this more and more as time passes. When you actually start dating a grown man that thinks and acts like a grown man, you will think you were crazy for staying so long...

 

Everyone thinks that, but you can't go back. I still hate myself for saying with my ExW so long, but it is was it is.

 

You have in there and just keep moving forward...

 

This This This. Read this a few times. When you feel low, read this.

[usa1ah]

MM, I don't think he is capable of true love right now, or if he ever will be. You could never make him get help, he had to do it because he wanted to save the marriage.

[mmathers]

MM, I don't think he is capable of true love right now, or if he ever will be. You could never make him get help, he had to do it because he wanted to save the marriage.

 

are you saying that if he wanted to save the marriage he would have gotten help?

 

my therapist says he has no reason to change, his parents support him, it still boggles my mind why he would venture outside of his apartment if he was so content:confused:

 

ill keep updating . this is more drama than i care for outside of the movie theater

[mmathers]

You did the right thing. And you will know this with certainty, when you date another man who treats you with the love and respect that you deserve.

 

Best wishes.

 

oh one other thing, you were right about me getting pregnant and my parents reaction. they would have been extremely depressed about and NOT happy that they would be grandparents. my mom actually said men like my husband should not be allowed to procreate at all! and she said if i got pregnant it would have been 'such a disaster'. one of my friends, when i saw her after a few mos and told her this entire story, said 'thank goodness you arent pregnant!'. and the other friend who said getting pregnant would solve the issue of my parents, takes that back and said my husband really needs to grow up.

 

so you were right

[BaileyB]

oh one other thing, you were right about me getting pregnant and my parents reaction. they would have been extremely depressed about and NOT happy that they would be grandparents. my mom actually said men like my husband should not be allowed to procreate at all! and she said if i got pregnant it would have been 'such a disaster'. one of my friends, when i saw her after a few mos and told her this entire story, said 'thank goodness you arent pregnant!'. and the other friend who said getting pregnant would solve the issue of my parents, takes that back and said my husband really needs to grow up.

 

so you were right

 

I'm sorry that I was right. But, you really do want to have a child with someone who is a stable, solid, and secure partner. To do anything less, would be a disaster. A child is always a blessing, but having a child would have changed your life in so many ways, and not necessarily in a good way.

 

I really hope that you have learned from this experience. It is good to hear that you are seeing a counsellor. I hope you meet someone someday who will show you the love that you deserve. Best wishes.

[usa1ah]

we didnt live together before getting married, but i thought we mature enough to deal with this. apparently i was wrong

 

my parents....where to begin? they are very controlling. if i take a step they dont want me to take, they stop communicating with me. i havent talked to my dad in a month. not a surprise thats how he deals with me. my mom is a bit more 'understanding' which is why i told her

 

my husband doesnt know how to handle the FIL groping, his drinking, his weed, his goals in life, me. he said he wants to take back his life. thats the first indication i have seen that he is taking some kind of 'ownership'. he is still going to school and making his plans for that. hes trying to keep himself busy as am i. im working on getting my own apartment, which is basically the same situation we were in just 5 mos ago. i wish i listened to my instinct and not moved into his place until i was ready but i did this to keep him happy.

 

i talked to some lawyers, im supposed to meet with one next week. im not sure what to do since my husband was upset that i went to a lawyer when he said he wanted a separation. its confusing for me because theres so much uncertainty and i like things to be a bit more stable...

 

Sorry I missed this part.

 

This is bad on your dads part. My kids come to me with everything they want to. I am honest with them and we discuss the issue. But they are between 14 and 20 years old now. When they were younger they listened and obeyed. Then as they got older I started explaining why I would or wouldn't allow them to do something or buy something. They have always been able to talk with me. I am sorry you missed out on that with your dad.

[mmathers]

Sorry I missed this part.

 

This is bad on your dads part. My kids come to me with everything they want to. I am honest with them and we discuss the issue. But they are between 14 and 20 years old now. When they were younger they listened and obeyed. Then as they got older I started explaining why I would or wouldn't allow them to do something or buy something. They have always been able to talk with me. I am sorry you missed out on that with your dad.

 

sure, there are many facets to hubs family and himself and to my family and myself. i dont expect my dad to change, he is old and that is his personality. so until he is alive, he will continue to behave in this manner. maybe now that this has happened, he will be more 'open' to meeting a man i ask him to meet even if the guy doesnt meet some imaginary standard my dad has in his mind . according to my mom my dad has things in his mind for what he wants for me . it is impossible to live up to his expectations, to the point it absolutely can destroy my self esteem. i am not sure if my husband had that with his parents but choose to deal with it by turning to weed/alcohol.

 

i did not handle my stress that way, so i have a different life path. but i still try to improve. i thought i could help my husband pull himself out of his rut but ,even though, he SAID he wanted to change, he took actions at such a slow pace it made actual change VERY difficult, almost to the point of stagnancy. i think his willpower is getting eroding by weed but thats just my opinion. he did try to go cold turkey over a year ago when i demanded him too, before we were married. he did that for a month, after he got tested after a month he was fine, but then another few weeks he was again positive but swears he did not use, apparently there are fat stores that can release THC when someone is a chronic user. this discouraged him to go back to smoking after about 3 mos.

 

as i said, i still feel bad. i know deep down he wants to change but cant and needs help. when i wanted to help him, he just got upset and shut down. i see this more as a disease. but i was also having to deal with his family who enable him. i think his mom needs to figure out what their next move is gonna be.

[jamieoak]

Your situation sounds exactly like the one my best friend was in a few years back. All I will say is, when a partner drags his/her education and is living off of charity from his parents - he/she has a hard time changing. You deserve better than this.

 

Gosh, his father groped you and instead of confronting the father he is making excuses?? He seems to have trouble respecting you. To be honest, the fact that he drinks heavily and smokes weed - I have to tell you that you must walk out of this marriage. You deserve better. My friend went through exactly this. And years later she met a man who was right for her. She later wondered as to why she didnt walk out of first marriage faster so that she could meet the right man faster.

 

Divorce is very hard. But the end result of getting out of a negative marriage is a bliss

[knabe]

I am glad you are getting away from this. I would also recommend counseling to explore why you allowed and chose this in the first place, and why you were willing to let it go on for so long.

[mmathers]

I am glad you are getting away from this. I would also recommend counseling to explore why you allowed and chose this in the first place, and why you were willing to let it go on for so long.

''

 

i am seeing a therapist, started talking to one in april, around the time i started this thread mainly because i had no idea who i could turn to , certainly not my parents because they are constantly critical and not my husband who is also critical. i told my two good friends all the details and some other friends. my therapist is pointing out some similarities btn my husband and my father: controlling, narcissism, insecurity. she also said im used to an environment of conflict which is what i guess i wasnt aware of.

 

as to why i let this go on for so long? i dont easily give up on anything...or anyone. i really thought i could help him, its what i do in my career and i love to help other people. the first 3 years of our relationship were awesome(i think), it was until we got married and started living together, i noticed that he could not deal with everyday life stressors and the normal zig zags of life without substance, was utterly dependent on his parents for quite literally the roof over his head and cash, was becoming more miserable when i transitioned from the girlfriend who lived 2 hours to the wife who was under the same roof as him. when he started becoming emotionally abusive(after his dad groped me and i was trying to talk to him more about his substance abuse), i had to really put a halt to what i considered unacceptable behavior. until then i was more laid back, which was why we were able to get along so well. he just could not handle normal stress, and these other issues made him snap. rather than talking about it and working on it together, he choose to throw me out. again, not how i think a respectable man treats his wife. so i found another apartment and went to visit my friends who lived in another state several hours away. i had an ok time and it was mostly to clear my head. while i was away, hubs kept sending me messages saying he wanted to talk. when i returned from the trip, he essentially demanded 'i apologize for my behavior' and asked 'what do you have to say for yourself?'. he expected me to be in 'tears' when i returned. i was like really? you threw me out and i am supposed to apologize to you. this is effin nuts. i think it was after that point i realized he was being completely irrational, disrespectful and mean. i had to really think about my limits for accepting this behavior and finally just gave him the ultimatum to get help. i think he really needs to deal with some issues that the substances are masking because he is unhappy and i dont know what is going on. but at that point i was pretty sure i could not do it without outside help

 

while his parents seem helpful, they are totally responsible for allowing his behavior to go on this way. as long they are around and their money is, i dont think much will change. his mom said she can 'never abandon him' and i understand where she is coming from but he is manipulating her love for him to continue the addictions. it is a very vicious cycle

[mmathers]

Your situation sounds exactly like the one my best friend was in a few years back. All I will say is, when a partner drags his/her education and is living off of charity from his parents - he/she has a hard time changing. You deserve better than this.

 

Gosh, his father groped you and instead of confronting the father he is making excuses?? He seems to have trouble respecting you. To be honest, the fact that he drinks heavily and smokes weed - I have to tell you that you must walk out of this marriage. You deserve better. My friend went through exactly this. And years later she met a man who was right for her. She later wondered as to why she didnt walk out of first marriage faster so that she could meet the right man faster.

 

Divorce is very hard. But the end result of getting out of a negative marriage is a bliss

 

 

yeah i am not looking forward to doing it but i dont think there is much else i can do. he is choosing to blame me for all the problems in our marriage , refused counseling and rehab for the addiction. i hesitated telling my husband about the groping b'c i didnt think he could handle that, which is a very real high level of impact from the stress standpoint. how can he? he could not handle when a neighbor and he had a bad interaction without taking a bong hit. so his wife getting groped by HIS dad...well i dont think there is enough weed in the world to help him drown out that mental imagery. what was very curious was that his sisters blocked any communication from me and one of them accused of being a 'witch' who was making false accusations against the dad. his mom remained compassionate towards me. upon discussion with a good friend and my therapist , we think the FIL has definitely done this before and there is something up with the relationship btn the MIL and FIL.

 

from my POV, the groping was a shock but not the real 'meat and potatoes'. if my husband was a mature adult, i really doubt this situation would have arose in the first place , as it would not have been very necessary for me to be alone with my FIL much at all. but since it did, it gave me a clue about his family , which is quite odd and dysfunctional, and him who grew up in that environment.

[hammyy2k]

first of all i noticed you seem very happy (hence happy smiley)

 

secondly ur husband is a junkie, i wont say divorse but junkies cant be good parents

 

drunk/junkies dont have control over themselves so whats the marriage for?

 

if he refuses rehab then get rid of him

 

i would also salute you for thinking abt getting rid of him despite him being wealthy, u r clearly a woman tht deserves a lot of respect unless he doesnt spoil you will his daddy's wealth

Edited July 7, 2017 by hammyy2k

[mmathers]

first of all i noticed you seem very happy (hence happy smiley)

 

secondly ur husband is a junkie, i wont say divorse but junkies cant be good parents

 

drunk/junkies dont have control over themselves so whats the marriage for?

 

if he refuses rehab then get rid of him

 

i would also salute you for thinking abt getting rid of him despite him being wealthy, u r clearly a woman tht deserves a lot of respect unless he doesnt spoil you will his daddy's wealth

 

 

hmm, im not sure i am truly 'happy' but i have a penchant for emoticons and what not

 

since filing, i have not heard from him at all, i did speak with his mom. he does not appear to want rehab , mostly because he does not think weed is an issue and to be frank , until we started living together, i didnt really think it was a biggie. after it is 'just weed', right?? no! it could be seaweed, and it give him a psychological crutch. he just has an addictive personality. there must be a reason for it, whatever it is, he needs to get help. i have tried to be loving, understanding and patient but it was starting to cost me my sanity and i noticed that it was affecting my life in a negative way and subtracting from it.

 

i didnt marry him for his parents money. i loved his personality/appearance and we got along extremely well. he said he wanted to change and i thought i could help give him the impetus to do that since im pretty ambitious. however he does things on his slow pace. to the point i would say he didnt really have the mojo to do it.

 

if anything, i was trying to get him away from relying on their money.and i want us to be an independent unit without relying on his parents or mine. sadly he doesnt see that as desirable. he wants to continue to mooch off them ..until they die?

 

but i dont think its just him, it is his sisters as well. so there is some odd family dynamics that i got snared in. one of his sisters had some anatomic defect in her vagina, which prevented her from her consummating her marriage, which then got annulled. she got it surgically fixed but it is pretty unusual and rare to have that condition. she has not gotten remarried but the thing with their dad makes me worry if there is some connection . also the mom seems to be tolerating a bunch of stuff. i wonder if hubs witnessed that growing up and assumed that he and i would have that same dynamic in our marriage.

 

i am curious as to what happens next. if i could only see into the future :bunny:

[MJJean]

hmm, im not sure i am truly 'happy' but i have a penchant for emoticons and what not

 

since filing, i have not heard from him at all, i did speak with his mom. he does not appear to want rehab , mostly because he does not think weed is an issue and to be frank , until we started living together, i didnt really think it was a biggie. after it is 'just weed', right?? no! it could be seaweed, and it give him a psychological crutch. he just has an addictive personality. there must be a reason for it, whatever it is, he needs to get help. i have tried to be loving, understanding and patient but it was starting to cost me my sanity and i noticed that it was affecting my life in a negative way and subtracting from it.

 

i didnt marry him for his parents money. i loved his personality/appearance and we got along extremely well. he said he wanted to change and i thought i could help give him the impetus to do that since im pretty ambitious. however he does things on his slow pace. to the point i would say he didnt really have the mojo to do it.

 

if anything, i was trying to get him away from relying on their money.and i want us to be an independent unit without relying on his parents or mine. sadly he doesnt see that as desirable. he wants to continue to mooch off them ..until they die?

 

but i dont think its just him, it is his sisters as well. so there is some odd family dynamics that i got snared in. one of his sisters had some anatomic defect in her vagina, which prevented her from her consummating her marriage, which then got annulled. she got it surgically fixed but it is pretty unusual and rare to have that condition. she has not gotten remarried but the thing with their dad makes me worry if there is some connection . also the mom seems to be tolerating a bunch of stuff. i wonder if hubs witnessed that growing up and assumed that he and i would have that same dynamic in our marriage.

 

i am curious as to what happens next. if i could only see into the future :bunny:

 

Your mistake here was marrying a man you thought you could change/help/rehabilitate. Never, ever, ever, be involved in a relationship with someone you aren't completely content with "as is".

 

My exH sounds a lot like your STBXH. I left him 17 years ago. We had 2 children together, who are now adults, so I hear about whats going on in his life whether I want to or not because they call me to vent.

 

He remarried and had 2 more kids, one of which is in foster care indefinitely and the other was just returned to the home from foster care after nearly 2 years. His mother has been paying his bills the entire time. Yup, the last 17 years he's either lived with his mom or lived in a rental that she pays for. He occasionally works, but blows his money on fun times, drugs, and buying junk like cheesy flea market knives. His mom also covers his insurance, gas, cable, cell phone, utilities, and gives him cash here and there which he puts toward pot and smokes. June 1 his mom gave up her home to move in with my ex and his wife because she can no longer support 2 households.

 

There's a glimpse into a possible future. Be thankful you didn't have kids and are divorcing. You are dodging a bullet.