MM left wife, and now me

[Rebelnoir]

Bingo! What he did was very manipulative - he saw that you were a good, kind person looking for love and affection... so he cooked you a few meals, said a few nice things, and made you feel very special. And, he got what he wanted.

 

You are not wrong to want that feeling - it is a wonderful feeling. But, he was not available to you, despite what you may have convinced yourself. A relationship built on lies and deception is not a healthy relationship... When you look at it another way, the "good things" are not so good after all.

 

You deserve to have that feeling with a really good man, who really loves you, and can give you the life that you want. This man, is not the one...

 

This is a hard thing to accept as ultimately I would prefer to believe he did love me and he meant what he said. Because I really did love him and I don't want to have fallen for somebody who could be that awful. I also don't want to have destroyed another woman for nothing. I believed that the chemistry we felt, the nice things we did and the words I was hearing meant it was a good relationship.

 

But in the cold light of day what you've said makes more sense than him being madly in love and then just changing his feelings. I've been trying to understand how that could happen so quickly. Maybe that's been my mistake all along, maybe all he ever wanted was to get his end away. I have a feeling I will never get answers and closure from him so I will just have to create my own. I will still find it hard to see it like this (even though it makes sense) as it leads to so many more questions about how and why I got this deep.

[imsosad]

I think this is key. If he really was as unhappy in his marriage as he said he was why didn't he leave? Especially before the baby. He didn't face up to it, he cheated. And now, when it's getting tough again he's refusing to face up to the mess that has been made. It probably will continue to be a cycle, unless he does some serious soul searching and addresses his avoidant personality. I doubt that will happen as he has talked about counselling but hasn't done it and seems to just be avoiding any thinking. Or maybe he's just not telling me because it's not what I'd want to hear.

 

Another option to consider is that he likes it this way.

I know that conflict avoidance always comes up and sometimes,it is the issue. Other times, just as often imo, it is a self centered person with low levels of empathy, high levels of entitlement, a streak for thrill and risk taking and a huge ego that needs feeding. It very well could be that your mm is not unhappy in his marriage, but he likes the thrill and drama of extra marital affairs.

In any event, someone who is selfish and lacks empathy (therefore,guilt and remorse) would rather get his kicks with a girlfriend on the side than sit with a therapist and dig deep. People turn to therapy when they are in pain. If he's not suffering, why would he go?

[Rebelnoir]

Why would you think that?

 

The reality is that he courted his wife. He loved his wife so much he got down on one knee and asked her to marry him, he stood before god and looked in her eyes and vowed to love her for eternity, he made a conscious effort to bring a life into the world with this woman. Why do you think SHE wasn't as special to him at one point?

 

Why do you think your love is any different? You WILL be her one day. He doesn't cheat on her because it's a flaw in her, it's a flaw in HIM. And I bet she's not the first woman he's cheated on.

 

I guess because I believed what he told me. We had been friends for years and he had always talked about how he had fallen into a relationship with his wife shortly after ending it with somebody he loved. He said he was never crazy in love with his wife, but they got on well enough. She gave him an ultimatum about marriage and he chose to do it because he thought it was enough and though he would never feel love like he had before. Like that kind of love was reserved for first loves. This was something I had heard consistently from him when we were friends, and along the lines of what he told our mutual friends when I wasn't there. When he told me he loved me he said it felt more than his first love ever did, and that's why he knew it was real.

 

I wanted to believe him when he said he had never loved her in that way, that he hadn't been happy for years, that he'd never felt what he did with me. Because of that I thought we would be different. It was never about his wife being flawed, just about her not being right for him. He said I was. Of course I see now that none of that could possibly be true, because if he loved me that much I'd be with him now. But yes, I think there is certainly a flaw in him that causes him to cheat instead of deal with his issues. Just like there must be a flaw in me that allowed me to become involved in this and believed it was ok.

[Rebelnoir]

OP, you have made some statements based on your assumptions regarding marriage and relationships.

1. One partner may be perfect while the other is 100% at fault for problems in the marriage. Your MM is "perfect" as you say, but is still unhappy. Only conclusion is that his wife is responsible both for his happiness and any trouble they may experience within the relationship.

2. If someone is unhappy in their marriage, it's ok to stray. 3. If someone strays it does not reflect on their character, rather on the one of their partner, who is guilty of making them unhappy.

4. You will always make him happy and that's why he'll never cheat on you. You must be as perfect as he is...

All of these are things you said in your posts. Do they really reflect how you feel and think?

I hope not.

I actually think you're the lucky one here because you can turn and walk away from this mess of a man. His wife has a toddler with him,she probably feels obligated to try every angle before kicking him to the curb,like he deserves.

He is a serial cheater, bad news. Do you not see how self centered and manipulative he is?

You saw for yourself how he lied to his wife. What makes you any different?

 

When it's put like that it highlights how non sensical my thought process has been throughout this. I believed that their marriage was effectively a friendship, that they weren't meant for each other, and that he and I were. This allowed me to think that cheating was ok, because it was true love. Of course what you've said is spot on. Ultimately what ever issues they have he has been part of that. Choosing to step outside of his marriage on numerous occasions instead of communicating with his wife I guess is one clear example.

 

In terms of him cheating on me that is something I had thought about. Again I thought because what we had was *so real* it wouldn't happen. I thought he would be a different man with me, because we were meant to be. This was stupid really, because the first thing he did when it got tough the first time he left was go and sleep with his wife then lie to me about it, sleep with me and then confess he'd done it. In hindsight maybe he told me because he wanted me to walk away so he could fix things with her.

 

Looking at it like this I feel like I've been so ridiculously naive. I believed what j wanted to believe because it fitted with his I wanted this relationship to go.

 

It's funny you've said about me being lucky. He said a similar thing. Right now it doesn't feel that way because I truly feel like I've lost the man I love and the life we had planned. But yes, I accept that what he and his wife now have to deal with (whatever they choose to do) will be infinitely harder and will last for probably the rest of their lives. I am starting to feel incredibly guilty for this. As horrible as it sounds I didn't think about his wife when we were together, I couldn't. Now I keep thinking about her and I wish I could fix things some how.

 

In terms of lying, he had lied to me so many times. I know that for a fact. So I wouldn't have been different. And if he could do it know when he professes I'm the love of his life, who knows what would have happened when things got routine.

[Rebelnoir]

This is a man who has cheated multiple times on a woman he loved enough to marry and have a child with.

 

Let's just say he isn't intentionally manipulating you. Let's say he is feeling some of the feelings he has told you. This is a man that when things weren't perfect, he went elsewhere instead of fixing his marriage. Remember, at one point, it was good enough to vow to spend his life with her and have a child with her. But when the going got rough, he put on his bitter pants and ran to someone else. Let's just say he realizes he can't fix those problems and now the problem of his affair and runs... straight to your arms and you have a legit relationship. What happens when problems arise in your relationship? Do you thinking will be different?

 

Run, run fast. When they show you who they are, listen!!!!

 

Be a realist. This relationship will never be one that is healthy. It will be confusing and heartbreaking. You will spend times feeling unsure. Always wondering after a fight what he is doing, what is he thinking. Will he leave? Will he find someone else? You will feel he can easily toss you aside when the going gets rough. You will convince yourself it is ok because all of these nice, surface level things he has done. But then you wake up years down the road after youth has left you to realize it was never a healthy relationship and you will bargain with yourself...

 

Look, I am a BS. 18 years ago, in the very beginning of my relationship, H showed me who he really was. I should have listened.

 

You've pretty much described the confusion I've felt throughout the relationship so far. There was always so much drama and so much thinking about whether he would leave, when I'd see him, what was happening when he was at home. That likely would have never gone away.

 

And I agree, he clearly doesn't face things head on. I do need to be a realist. To be honest I've been thinking with my heart and just persisting because I love him. Whoever doubts and red flags have appeared I've pushed them aside because we are meant to be together I'm going to put 'be a realist' on lots of post it notes and just remind myself of it. My heart is not capable of making rational decisions, clearly!

[Rebelnoir]

He sounds like a little boy. always wanting what we doesn't have.

 

People cheat for all sorts of reasons, but all of them lie within the person himself. This guy has shown you, through cheating with you ( not to mention his other A's, which you brush off as one night stands) who he really is.

It's not a "mistake", it didn't "jut happen", his wife isn't ticking him or forcing hm to do anything.

 

he's a little boy running back to his mommy ( wife) who likely has no idea how he sees her. you are far better off away from him.

 

Try this.

Tell hm that you need some time away form him. No phone calls, emails, texts, facebok likes or anything else. All contact must stop.

Give yourself that gift of time to do some serious thinking about what you really want, and if e is good for you or hurting you .

Also, tell hm that if he cares for you, he will respect your wishes and leave you alone. During that time, take a trip, get together with friends, have fun, date if you feel like it. Re-introduce "you" to yourself.

 

Give yourself a year like that ( he isn't going anywhere), and there a very high chance you will be thrilled the A is over.

 

I really want to cut contact. I've been trying since he ended it but I keep doing it over and over. I think it's because I've been focusing on my feelings and the good times, instead of what's best for me and the reality of the relationship. I am going to try not to speak to him again.

 

To be honest I don't think he will get in contact with me now, he's made it very clear he doesn't want to see me or talk to me. He said the only reason he has been is because he knows it's what I want and need so he wants to make sure I'm ok. So I think if I just stay away it will only be a matter of time before we both move on, as painful as that will be.

 

I have been trying to keep myself busy and have a good trip planned in a few months, it was he first thing I did after he ended it! He had said he is thinking about leaving work or at least going off sick due to stress so we have no contact. He seems to be very committed to staying away from me. So I don't think he will be back. In a way I'm grateful for that as days like today when I don't see him I can sometimes cope.

[Rebelnoir]

Aside from this being an affair, would you date a man who lies to you? Would you date a man who you need to convince to be with you?

 

Unfortunately yes. My last relationship before the MM wasn't a great one. There were lies and convincing. I had been single for a long time after this relationship and thought I had dealt with my issues by the time MM and I started dating. Now I think I clearly didn't, which is maybe how I've ended up here. When I look back over all of my relationships there are definitely some reoccurring themes. One of which is dating men who aren't really available even if the appear to be. I then spend a lot of time trying to get the relationship I want and was promised. I need to break this pattern otherwise I have a feeling I will carry on for the rest of my life like this.

[Rebelnoir]

Another option to consider is that he likes it this way.

I know that conflict avoidance always comes up and sometimes,it is the issue. Other times, just as often imo, it is a self centered person with low levels of empathy, high levels of entitlement, a streak for thrill and risk taking and a huge ego that needs feeding. It very well could be that your mm is not unhappy in his marriage, but he likes the thrill and drama of extra marital affairs.

In any event, someone who is selfish and lacks empathy (therefore,guilt and remorse) would rather get his kicks with a girlfriend on the side than sit with a therapist and dig deep. People turn to therapy when they are in pain. If he's not suffering, why would he go?

 

That's interesting. In general, outside of his relationships, he does enjoy drama. He has a lot of drama in his personal relationships with family and some friends. Whilst I don't enjoy drama it certainly is something I've been used to in all of my relationships for various reasons (dating people not over their ex's, cultural issues etc) and so it's something I am comfortable with even if I don't enjoy it. I honesty cannot tell you a time I've been in a straightforward relationship where it was just easy.

 

Despite loving him I couldn't tell you about how much empathy he has. Looking back I can see examples of selfishness and I guess everytime he's had empathy it's been expressed as a way of trying to get out of bad things he's done. For example he hurts me, I get upset and then he starts being empathetic and apologetic. But it doesn't stop him doing it again and again.

 

Interestingly his only other relationship before his wife was similar to my past relationships. There were issues that meant it was necessarily full of drama. Maybe, like me, that's what he's comfortable with. That would go some way to explaining the previous cheating, the affair etc. That's given me a lot to think about, thank you,

[georgia girl]

Rebel Noir,

 

Here's another thing to consider. You've read his text messages to his wife during an argument and you saw where he told her he loved her and that they would get through this. Then, he assures you that he did not mean it and that he just said it because he needed to say it to keep things calm at home so he could see his daughter. Then, he tells you how much he loves you and wants to be with you and that he is planning on leaving.

 

Do you not see that this man is a believable liar? His wife believed him - he told you as much as when he said that he had to say it to calm things down. He told you he wanted to be with you and you believed it, even when he began spending overnights at his old house.

 

He's believable... partially because you want to believe him and partially because he's just that darned good at it. So, the guy's got two skills - getting good women to fall in love with him and successfully lying to both of them.

 

Please see this for what it is. While he may truly love you and he himself believes what he says in the moment, he also likely truly loves her and believes what he's telling her. In my opinion only, this doesn't end well for anyone. He's just not good partner material and you'll both end up experiencing worlds of hurt before finally escaping. It's just a matter of time for both of you.

 

For your own sake, I hope you realize it's time to cut bait. Guys like this - who can lie so easily - never make for happily ever after. It just doesn't happen. The amount of hurt you will experience is directly related to how long you stick around.

[Rebelnoir]

Rebel Noir,

 

Here's another thing to consider. You've read his text messages to his wife during an argument and you saw where he told her he loved her and that they would get through this. Then, he assures you that he did not mean it and that he just said it because he needed to say it to keep things calm at home so he could see his daughter. Then, he tells you how much he loves you and wants to be with you and that he is planning on leaving.

 

Do you not see that this man is a believable liar? His wife believed him - he told you as much as when he said that he had to say it to calm things down. He told you he wanted to be with you and you believed it, even when he began spending overnights at his old house.

 

He's believable... partially because you want to believe him and partially because he's just that darned good at it. So, the guy's got two skills - getting good women to fall in love with him and successfully lying to both of them.

 

Please see this for what it is. While he may truly love you and he himself believes what he says in the moment, he also likely truly loves her and believes what he's telling her. In my opinion only, this doesn't end well for anyone. He's just not good partner material and you'll both end up experiencing worlds of hurt before finally escaping. It's just a matter of time for both of you.

 

For your own sake, I hope you realize it's time to cut bait. Guys like this - who can lie so easily - never make for happily ever after. It just doesn't happen. The amount of hurt you will experience is directly related to how long you stick around.

 

Yes that's so true. I have believed everything he's told me, even when I have found out that he has flat out lied. I wanted to believe him, but he also appears very sincere in his explanations. They are always given alongside lots of reassurances that he loves me etc. You've made me think though, because while I've always accepted he has been lying to his wife due to the affair, I've never really considered the fact that she has probably felt the same as me, that's she's being told the truth. And she probably feels that because he's done it in the same way...faux sincerity and declarations of love. I stupidly believed that he was being honest with me (even though he has lied...!!) and just wasn't to her. He always has an explanation for why he lied, how it was to protect me or for the benefit of him/his child. Because I love him I get caught up in wanting him to be ok and forget about the lies.

 

I'm glad you posted, it's made me focus on reality. It's getting to late evening where I am and I was starting to miss him so much. Now I have something else to think about, thank you.

[Jemima1234]

Hi

I have been following this thread today and wanted to comment- I have huge respect and admiration for how you are processing all this just now. Your story is a sad and hard one- I can see how much pain this has caused you. You are so right it's time to go totally no contact now and spare yourself as much pain as can.

I am a former OW (it is good to be able to say that as I am finally taking steps to move forward). I love my XMM more than words - would love nothing more than to be together. But he has never future faked, left, or anything. Yes we have discussed it but ultimately he won't leave his children. And he doesn't dislike his wife - she is a good woman Who he has some love for I don't doubt it. And he isn't miserable there. I can't imagine how hard it is to believe you were ultimately to be together and now this. But for him to leave her and then sleep with Her it Says a lot - no reason to unless he truly wants to!!

 

Therefore I believe it's time for you to work towards your future. Keep posting - keep strong, and well done so far

[Rebelnoir]

Hi

I have been following this thread today and wanted to comment- I have huge respect and admiration for how you are processing all this just now. Your story is a sad and hard one- I can see how much pain this has caused you. You are so right it's time to go totally no contact now and spare yourself as much pain as can.

I am a former OW (it is good to be able to say that as I am finally taking steps to move forward). I love my XMM more than words - would love nothing more than to be together. But he has never future faked, left, or anything. Yes we have discussed it but ultimately he won't leave his children. And he doesn't dislike his wife - she is a good woman Who he has some love for I don't doubt it. And he isn't miserable there. I can't imagine how hard it is to believe you were ultimately to be together and now this. But for him to leave her and then sleep with Her it Says a lot - no reason to unless he truly wants to!!

 

Therefore I believe it's time for you to work towards your future. Keep posting - keep strong, and well done so far

 

 

Thank you. To be honest I have been a mess the last few weeks and have been really struggling with everything that has happened. I have pretty much begged, fallen in to bed with him more than once and completely disregarded my own needs and wishes in an attempt to get him to *realise* what he wants. I'm ashamed of that. I think spending the night with him over the weekend only for him to see me yesterday and u-turn has been a massive wake up call. Something has to change.

 

The two things keeping me sane right now are my friends and family (who have been so patient and are continuing to be so) and this board. Everyone's replies have made me consider the situation objectively, and I really do appreciate that. I keep reading the responses and reminding myself that they are the truth. I've also found comfort in reading the other threads, although it is a bit disconcerting to see so many things I thought were unique to me and my situation played out over and over again. We all think our situation is different, but when it comes down to it these things appear to mostly turn out the same way, sometimes with almost the same words being said. There will always be exceptions and until very recently I thought we would be one. I now think that isn't the case. I have to accept that, grieve what I thought would be and hopefully move on. But it's early days and I know there are some challenges ahead, like working together, the possibility he will contact me or I him.

 

I'm glad you're taking steps to move forward. It seems so impossible when you really love doesn't it? But just like I've seen the same things play out on these posts over and over, I've noticed that people who really want to do move on. It gives me hope. That can be us, as hard as it will be. I'm going to have a look through your posts now as I really am missing him, and I need a distraction. I hope you stay strong too.

Edited April 19, 2017 by Rebelnoir

[zanwalk]

Thank you. To be honest I have been a mess the last few weeks and have been really struggling with everything that has happened. I have pretty much begged, fallen in to bed with him more than once and completely disregarded my own needs and wishes in an attempt to get him to *realise* what he wants. I'm ashamed of that. I think spending the night with him over the weekend only for him to see me yesterday and u-turn has been a massive wake up call. Something has to change.

 

The two things keeping me sane right now are my friends and family (who have been so patient and are continuing to be so) and this board. Everyone's replies have made me consider the situation objectively, and I really do appreciate that. I keep reading the responses and reminding myself that they are the truth. I've also found comfort in reading the other threads, although it is a bit disconcerting to see so many things I thought were unique to me and my situation played out over and over again. We all think our situation is different, but when it comes down to it these things appear to mostly turn out the same way, sometimes with almost the same words being said. There will always be exceptions and until very recently I thought we would be one. I now think that isn't the case. I have to accept that, grieve what I thought would be and hopefully move on. But it's early days and I know there are some challenges ahead, like working together, the possibility he will contact me or I him.

 

I'm glad you're taking steps to move forward. It seems so impossible when you really love doesn't it? But just like I've seen the same things play out on these posts over and over, I've noticed that people who really want to do move on. It gives me hope. That can be us, as hard as it will be. I'm going to have a look through your posts now as I really am missing him, and I need a distraction. I hope you stay strong too.

 

One day at a time, focus on you and your happiness, and remember, you're worth it!

[travelbug1996]

I'm not a religious person but there is a verse that says something along the lines of "guard your heart above all things because our emotional attachments will determine the course of our lives". If not, we set ourselves up for painful attachments with unavailable or emotionally dangerous individuals.

 

You have a responsibility now to take care of your heart since you let your feelings for this person get away from you. Let your decisions be based on facts not feelings. Stay in reality.

 

Its easy to go to fantasy land when a person makes us feel good. We can't chase feelings. When we make decisions to enter affairs they are made many times out of loneliness and here comes this person making us feel good.

 

Hang in there and don't beat yourself up. Once you get to the point where you need or want anything from him, you are well on your way.

Edited April 20, 2017 by travelbug1996

[aileD]

First just want to say Ive enjoyed reading all your responses. You are analyzing yourself and everything about the situation and it's refreshing to see.

 

I wanted to comment on this

To be honest I don't think he will get in contact with me now, he's made it very clear he doesn't want to see me or talk to me. He said the only reason he has been is because he knows it's what I want and need so he wants to make sure I'm ok. So I think if I just stay away it will only be a matter of time before we both move on, as painful as that will be.

 

First- the bolded. A little condescending don't you think?? He's throwing himself on a sword for you, "just to make sure you're ok". Like you can't handle your life yourself without him, because he's all that right?

 

Don't fall for that crap. Why is He really contacting you? To keep you within reach so when things settle down and get "back to normal" at home he can reach out to you and try to start up the affair again. I'm sure you've read how that happens in the other posts here.

 

How are you going to protect yourself from that? Please try to think about that soon. Block his numbers, get a new job, block him elsewhere etc. if you don't have a plan then when the inevitable "hey I was just thinking about you, how are you" text comes through you're going to be thrown off guard and may get sucked in again. (FYI no response is the correct response here!)

 

Anyway. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. "We separated". "I'm living with my cousin". "We are in the middle of the divorce". All mean the same thing which is "IM STILL MARRIED" .

 

Wish you the best

Edited April 20, 2017 by aileD

[ice3784]

Ice, I'm sorry you're in a similar position to me. I know the pain that you're going through. I hope you're getting towards a resolution that works for you.

 

It's a funny thing because I think we would always be second to a child, which is how it should be. In reality though, it would take a really strong (and perhaps emotionally detached) man to separate the mother of his child from his child. So the phone calls, cancelled plans, always feeling third best will never change I don't think. I had convinced myself I could deal with that when everything else between us seemed good.

 

Thank you for pointing out what would likely be the result of staying with this man.

 

Can I ask why you're choosing to stay when you feel like it's dying?

i choose to leave many times. But many times, im weak. the best i had made is a week away from him. the love is still there. i miss him. the hope is still there. when we are together, there are tiny moments that i felt love. his acting are good. he will suddenly wake up and hug me and kiss me, and said morning, i love you. the hatred towards his betrayal too, makes me want to stay, i want to stay and use him as long as i can, i will let my feelings die so i wont feel pain, but when i know its the right time, i can leave him, and he shall felt regret that i finally left. the feeling of want him to choose me, makes me want to stay as long as possible, so that this will blow his wife up again, so that she will choose to divorce instead of separate. its too many reasons...but i know, it will ends anyway...

[ice3784]

You are in same thought as me. You will be at some times, ok with the situation, but at some times, you will have a sudden urge of anger, why he can played you like that. You will try to comfort yourself and tell yourself that its fine, and he is right to do that, as the children are important, and put yourself 2nd or 3rd. Slowly, you will give up on him, as you will always have the question, who does he really love ? Who are you to him ? Moreover, when he was with her and the children..you will see yourself as an outsider, as a stranger....

[ice3784]

There are a ton of people with the same story as you.

 

He didn't leave his wife on his own. He was kicked out because he had an affair so he had no choice but to leave so it wasn't on his own timetable and he wasn't really ready for it despite what he told you.

 

He may really feel those things for you, BUT.....he's married. And he needs to figure out ON HIS OWN if he wants to stay married or leave. He should leave because it's right not because he found someone else. He needs real closure and to be sure of what he's going to do.

 

You don't stand a chance with this guy the way things are now. The BEST THING you can do if you want him back....is to cut off all contact with him and refuse to see or talk to him while he's still married. And by "still married" that means even if he's "separated" or "moved out" he's still married. You don't engage with him until the divorce is signed, sealed and delivered. And if you're smart, you'll wait until about 6 mos to a year after that for him to really mourn the end of his marriage and be healthy enough for a relationship again.

 

Then, if it's really meant to be...it will happen and you can both feel good about it knowing it was done the right way. (And do you really want that? He's a known cheater!) And If you don't end up together you know it wasn't meant to be.

 

See.....right now he was the best of both worlds. He had his family and he has you on the side. If you allow that, that's all you'll ever be.

 

That is your best course of action. However, being realistic and from reading other stories here ...none of that will happen. He'll stay with his wife. He'll keep sweet taking you and you'll keep letting him and you'll east years of your life in the same cycle you're in now. My husband did it to his OW for almost 2 years. Where is she now? Who knows...but he's still with me.

 

the way I see it, you have two options.

1. Do what I said above

2. Accept your mistress status and don't ask for more, prepare to always come last, accept your position in his life and give up any dreams you have of a real relationship, future, kids with him.

 

I know that your story is unique to you. But I've been here awhile and it's not u unique at all really. Ive read the same story here over and over and over with different names.

 

Please take the advice you get from the people here.

She might still be around, and he might learn to step up the game, tell the lies better

[WarriorBabe]

Unfortunately yes. My last relationship before the MM wasn't a great one. There were lies and convincing. I had been single for a long time after this relationship and thought I had dealt with my issues by the time MM and I started dating. Now I think I clearly didn't, which is maybe how I've ended up here. When I look back over all of my relationships there are definitely some reoccurring themes. One of which is dating men who aren't really available even if the appear to be. I then spend a lot of time trying to get the relationship I want and was promised. I need to break this pattern otherwise I have a feeling I will carry on for the rest of my life like this.

 

I think its time you take a break from dating and concentrate on getting to know what you will tolerate and not tolerate in a relationship. Once you put yourself first and concentrate on YOU then and only then will you know what it means to really feel love. Once you know how to love you will receive it, genuinely, openly and honestly.

 

It is nothing wrong in being single and discovering yourself. There's nothing wrong loving yourself. Once you learn to love yourself, you will attract a man that will love you and not play games with you.

 

I wish you the best because you deserve it.

[WarriorBabe]

i choose to leave many times. But many times, im weak. the best i had made is a week away from him. the love is still there. i miss him. the hope is still there. when we are together, there are tiny moments that i felt love. his acting are good. he will suddenly wake up and hug me and kiss me, and said morning, i love you. the hatred towards his betrayal too, makes me want to stay, i want to stay and use him as long as i can, i will let my feelings die so i wont feel pain, but when i know its the right time, i can leave him, and he shall felt regret that i finally left. the feeling of want him to choose me, makes me want to stay as long as possible, so that this will blow his wife up again, so that she will choose to divorce instead of separate. its too many reasons...but i know, it will ends anyway...

 

Love does not lie. Love does not hide. Love does not hurt.

 

When you are involved in a relationship, you grow together and not pull apart. A relationship is built on trust and respect. Your partner builds you up and does not let you down. Being in a relationship is way passed loving someone. It is being committed. It is accepting the flaws and faults. When a person can sit down and talk badly about their spouse, it shows that he/she will talk badly about you.

 

Leave his wife out of it. You made the choice to continue with this man. Regardless as to how it will hurt you to leave him, just think of the pain she's going through as well or will go through. Why would you want to purposely cause pain to another individual? Because he will not leave her? Because he's choosing her over you? To be truthful, he's not choosing either one of you. He's choosing himself. If you want to hurt someone emotionally, hurt the man that is hurting you. But it reflects back to my second response to your post "Loving yourself".

[aileD]

She might still be around, and he might learn to step up the game, tell the lies better

 

 

Ice, no offense, but she appears to be stronger than you. All you do is make excuses for him and why you can't leave him. You will never be happy until you stand up for yourself and refuse to keep being treated like crap. Just because you love someone doesn't give them the right to treat you horribly and just because they apologize and "tell the lies better" doesn't mean you have to believe it. I do wish you happiness and peace

[Rebelnoir]

I'm not a religious person but there is a verse that says something along the lines of "guard your heart above all things because our emotional attachments will determine the course of our lives". If not, we set ourselves up for painful attachments with unavailable or emotionally dangerous individuals.

 

You have a responsibility now to take care of your heart since you let your feelings for this person get away from you. Let your decisions be based on facts not feelings. Stay in reality.

 

Its easy to go to fantasy land when a person makes us feel good. We can't chase feelings. When we make decisions to enter affairs they are made many times out of loneliness and here comes this person making us feel good.

 

Hang in there and don't beat yourself up. Once you get to the point where you need or want anything from him, you are well on your way.

 

Although I'm not religious either I really like that quote, thank you. It reminds me of words of that song 'don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours'. Unfortunately I have done both.

 

You're so right about chasing feelings. In the past, to try and detach myself I had tried to focus on the bad feelings. That didn't work because the good feelings exist too. So this time I'm going to focus on what's actually happened maybe that will help. I've woken up this morning tired and sad. But I accept this is a journey and I'll get there.

[Rebelnoir]

First just want to say Ive enjoyed reading all your responses. You are analyzing yourself and everything about the situation and it's refreshing to see.

 

I wanted to comment on this

 

 

First- the bolded. A little condescending don't you think?? He's throwing himself on a sword for you, "just to make sure you're ok". Like you can't handle your life yourself without him, because he's all that right?

 

Don't fall for that crap. Why is He really contacting you? To keep you within reach so when things settle down and get "back to normal" at home he can reach out to you and try to start up the affair again. I'm sure you've read how that happens in the other posts here.

 

How are you going to protect yourself from that? Please try to think about that soon. Block his numbers, get a new job, block him elsewhere etc. if you don't have a plan then when the inevitable "hey I was just thinking about you, how are you" text comes through you're going to be thrown off guard and may get sucked in again. (FYI no response is the correct response here!)

 

Anyway. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. "We separated". "I'm living with my cousin". "We are in the middle of the divorce". All mean the same thing which is "IM STILL MARRIED" .

 

Wish you the best

 

Thank you. I have to work on implementing the outcomes of my analysis instead of just knowing the reality and brushing it aside when I feel a certain way. Everyone on here has really helped me consider things from different perspectives. So although I feel incredibly sad today I'm also thinking about what's best for me, in the long run.

 

Unfortunately I have probably outright told him that I'm struggling without him. It is condescending though...I'm struggling to reconcile this new idea with the sweet, loving man he appeared to be.

 

In terms of protecting myself...I haven't blocked his number. The main reason for that is if I block it I will still have it (my phone has lists of blocked contacts). Unfortunately I've proven to myself that if I have his number anywhere I will just unblock it and contact him. So I deleted it completely. This is the first time I've done that, in the past I've always had it hidden away somewhere just incase. We do have mutual friends who know everything so maybe when I get to a stronger place I will ask for his number and block it. I have blocked him on all social media, and I don't really use it very often anyway.

 

I don't know why but I'm almost convinced he wouldn't contact me unless things change drastically. Since we ended it I've always been the once reaching out. He's said he does not want me in his life and doesn't want to talk to me. I believe him. But at the same time I see he lies, to himself and everyone, and also that he is reactive and his feelings change. I think I've decide that if he contacts me I'll post his contact on this board, get advice about what to do and then do it. This will at least give me pause to think, rather than just reacting.

 

Work is a tricky one. I work in an extremely niche area, so finding a new job that is also a positive career move is possible but not a quick time thing. I have started looking for new jobs and having a real think about the direction I want my career to take. Fortunately managers at work are aware (this is part of what makes it so hard, it was never that secret because he had *left*), and have been helpful in terms of letting us work away from the office. He, in particular, has not been coming in often. He has made noises about leaving/going off sick. So let's see what happens. In a way I'd prefer that. Any advice about how to maintain NC at work would be really appreciated.

 

There is still a huge part of me that wants him to come back fighting for us. The difference this time is that there is also a part of me that has accepted what this probably really was, ie not a fairytale love story. I can see that anything short of an actual divorce will just result in more of the same. Even a divorce doesn't guarantee a happy ending as there are clearly a lot of challenges and issues with us both. This breaks me heart because I honestly thought it was meant to be.

[Rebelnoir]

i choose to leave many times. But many times, im weak. the best i had made is a week away from him. the love is still there. i miss him. the hope is still there. when we are together, there are tiny moments that i felt love. his acting are good. he will suddenly wake up and hug me and kiss me, and said morning, i love you. the hatred towards his betrayal too, makes me want to stay, i want to stay and use him as long as i can, i will let my feelings die so i wont feel pain, but when i know its the right time, i can leave him, and he shall felt regret that i finally left. the feeling of want him to choose me, makes me want to stay as long as possible, so that this will blow his wife up again, so that she will choose to divorce instead of separate. its too many reasons...but i know, it will ends anyway...

 

I can certainly understand the first part of your post about the love and hope being there. It's so incredibly heart wrenching to have somebody wake up with you, say and do certain things and then go cold. I've been there so recently and it was part of what's made me realise things have to change. I can't keep doing and feeling like this.

 

The second part abit the betrayal is harder for me to understand maybe because my MM and I never got to the point of living together like you have. I can only imagine how painful it would be to begin a life together and then feel as if he is taking backwards steps. It's hard enough without having built a life.

 

From what you've said your focus is on MM and his wife and the impact your actions will have on them. I'm not sure of the history and why you'd want to 'blow his wife up again'. That's not a stage I've been through. Maybe you're the same as me and need to start thinking of what's best for you? I can understand exchanging months/years of your life to fight for love, but to do it in part to cause others pain seems like it won't serve you well on the long run.

[Rebelnoir]

She might still be around, and he might learn to step up the game, tell the lies better

 

I think you're referring to his wife? Yes of course if he came back his wife would always be there in some way as they have a child together. But I know that isn't what you mean.

 

It's hard to explain but I never went in to this ok with having just an affair. It was, from day 1, only going to happen if he left. I understand now that was ridiculous because I could never know he was really going to leave, but like so many OW I believed him. When he went back the first time I chose, again, to believe that he would leave because I love him. I do believe in second chances and in my mind it was only a matter of time because he loved me and had told the world this and walked out on his wife so how could it not work?! I now realise this is all so typical and unless drastic (ie divorce) changes happen then I'm just going to get more of the same.

 

It's impossible to say what will happen, but I honestly have no interest in continuing an affair with a man that will not leave his wife. No judgment at all to anyone that is in that situation or OK with that- I understand that love and lust can make us do things we wouldn't expect. However for me and my life, it's not right because more than anything I want a family, and my own relationship. My mistake here was believing I could have that with somebody who already has it.

 

I love him but I don't want to waste my life loving him with no benefit to me, especially when it appears I have probably been so wrong about who he was.