MM left wife, and now me

[whichwayisup]

So we've spoken today. He is going back. He wants his old life back. Although 'in any other circumstance he would be with me'. They did have sex while they were away, you were all right. But apparently it wasn't as good as me and him. He doesn't love her but he wants his daughter. They're going to have counselling and try and make it work. But he wants us to be friends, he told me I look good etc etc. It's all more of the same, him wanting me to be there because it feels good for him I guess. The problem is I'm tempted. I'm so tempted to just slip into being friends because a part of me wants him to change his mind. I know that's stupid but I do.

 

The worst thing you can do is have hope or try to woo him back. He's chosen his child, wife and life he's built as a family unit over his affair with you. He may love you a lot but it's not enough for him to change everything and start over again with you. Maybe the glue that hold them together is stronger than what he had with you. Either way I really hope you can grieve the loss and go total NC. NO friendship can happen all that will do is keep you into him and prevent you from moving on.

[lostgirl87]

So we've spoken today. He is going back. He wants his old life back. Although 'in any other circumstance he would be with me'. They did have sex while they were away, you were all right. But apparently it wasn't as good as me and him. He doesn't love her but he wants his daughter. They're going to have counselling and try and make it work. But he wants us to be friends, he told me I look good etc etc. It's all more of the same, him wanting me to be there because it feels good for him I guess. The problem is I'm tempted. I'm so tempted to just slip into being friends because a part of me wants him to change his mind. I know that's stupid but I do.

Ugh bless your heart! Believe it or not, I have been thinking about you all day today! I read your update last night that MM would be back to work today and I can't imagine how anxious you must have been.

 

I have no advice b/c as my name states, I am completely lost lol. But do know that you have support and you are being thought of. I hope you are doing ok!

[sandylee1]

 

 

 

I did ask about the sex, but managed to resist asking how often. I just asked if it was better than with me (masochistic I guess?!) and he said no.

 

What did you expect him to say? Of course he'd say that to make you feel better about yourself.

 

I'd have said the same if I was him... Even if it wasn't the case.

 

To say otherwise would have left you feeling hurt and he didn't want to do that.

 

It's just like your man "Does my bum look big in this dress?"

 

He isn't going to say yes to that question. Not if he wants a happy wife or GF.

 

If his wife asked him if the sex with you was better, he'd say a definite NO. It meant nothing.... Just a release.

 

That list of stuff he said to you... Was to keep you sweet.. He doesn't want you going crazy on him.

 

You're so blinded by emotions, you can't see him for the player he is and his compliments.... are just words.

 

His begging his wife for reconciliation and all the promises he made her don't count for anything, based on your interaction with him....

 

So why are you placing so much value on what he's said to you? And believing his words to be true?

[imsosad]

Nothing has changed.

You gave an entire list of things he said. Measure that up against one simple fact: he's staying with his wife.

It doesn't matter what he says, it only matters what he does.

You do realise he's saying the exact same things to her? How much he loves her, how sex with her is so much better, how sorry he is and so on.

He's telling you all these things to give you hope that he may be doing one thing, but he really wants to do the other. Don't fall for it.

He'd like to either have you as his plan b in case the R falls through and/or resume the affair when things calm down at home.

Honey, I think asking him about sex with his wife was just you being human. Still, I agree with Sandy. What did you expect him to say? And if his wife asks, what would he say?

You can't trust his words. Also, false reconcilliation is a very cruel thing to do. He's lying to her through this, why do you think he's not lying to you?

I don't know what his motivation to stay in the marriage is, but I can tell you that both my AP and I divorced our spouses, he has 2 children, I have 4.

We are both caring,involved, active parents-as are our ex spouses. I find it hard to believe that the child is the one and only reason he stays.

That's just a side note,though.

You must not be friends with him, that is never,ever gping to work.

He made his choice. Your only reaction can be to go NC.

Im sorry for your pain, I know it's very hard.

[Maddieandtae]

None of this has to be as hard as you are making it. Don't talk to the guy anymore, don't analyze his marriage and again stop talking to him!!

 

It's none of your business what is happening in his life, just concentrate on your life. Do a 180 on this situation and start living your life!

 

There is a whole lot of words being said and no action being taken. Or at least no positive action. Trust me if you don't stop talking to this guy you are going to waste a lot of years stuck in limbo.

 

It's true the saying "if they will cheat with you they will cheat on you." I had an affair, divorced and lived with the single OM. Guess what? He cheated and I repeated the pattern of my former marriage. I got out finally and I'm gloriously single!

 

I own and acknowledge the very poor choices I made in my past. It's

not all about the OM being a lousy person. It's people being lousy together, man or woman because it takes two to have an affair.

 

Stop talking to him! Kick him out of your head, the rents too expensive and he didn't pay damage deposit. ?

[Maddieandtae]

Duplicate post!

Edited May 17, 2017 by Maddieandtae

[sandylee1]

Just noticed I missed a word out of my post.

 

It's just like ASKING your man "Does my bum look big in this dress?"

 

When you first said that he said the sex was better with you, I thought it was an unprompted comment, but like I said, by asking him outright, he was going to tell you what you wanted to hear.

 

It gives you a an ego boost and all in all, if you believe that the only reason he's with his wife is because of his daughter, then he looks a bit better in your eyes.....having given up the better sex with you.. Like some sort of sacrifice making him a martyr.

 

He's right where he wants to be and if you can get to the point of realising that the same was he lies to his wife, the woman who he took a vow of fidelity with, in front of friends and family.... Lying to you is well within his capabilities.

[freengreen]

One of the two in an affair like those parasite plants. They intertwine and look as if they want you around, you think they love you so they are all over you, but its for their own reasons they are there.Like those plants, they live off you, after a few years, the host almost dies and the parasite moves over.

 

I knkw I am very biased towards ' affair is always deadly' but I once belived, love of all kinds is holy. I still beleive, but I dont beleive that affairs support REAL love and real care , if they did, they would never happen in the first place.

 

He is giving you reason after reason to be free... why are you cuffing yourself?

[Overtaxed]

Just noticed I missed a word out of my post.

 

It's just like ASKING your man "Does my bum look big in this dress?"

 

When you first said that he said the sex was better with you, I thought it was an unprompted comment, but like I said, by asking him outright, he was going to tell you what you wanted to hear.

 

It gives you a an ego boost and all in all, if you believe that the only reason he's with his wife is because of his daughter, then he looks a bit better in your eyes.....having given up the better sex with you.. Like some sort of sacrifice making him a martyr.

 

He's right where he wants to be and if you can get to the point of realising that the same was he lies to his wife, the woman who he took a vow of fidelity with, in front of friends and family.... Lying to you is well within his capabilities.

 

Bolded the really important part. He's shown himself to be an adept liar, in fact, nearly everyone in an A is showing off their skills at lying. But you think it's only with their SO? Yeah, come on, get real. He's known his W for years or decades and can still look her in the eye and lie about something so important (having sex with you) so convincingly that she doesn't suspect a thing. This is why APs are terrible partner choices, they are showing you, in the beginning of an R, how good they are at lying and how easily they can manipulate and eventually destroy the one they love. And you want this for yourself?

 

You're so blinded by emotions, you can't see him for the player he is and his compliments.... are just words.

 

His begging his wife for reconciliation and all the promises he made her don't count for anything, based on your interaction with him....

 

So why are you placing so much value on what he's said to you? And believing his words to be true?

 

This is such a common theme on here, and was also a huge part of my W's A that I feel compelled to comment (again) on it. They are JUST WORDS. Men have been socialized since puberty to use words to get women to sleep with us. We know "I love you" often leads to sex. So we say it, we say it without meaning it, and we use words to get the sex that we want from women. Actions. Look at his actions. Because, as a man I can tell you, most of the time, our words to a new partner mean nothing. They are just a way to get to sex, nothing more, nothing less. Women, in particular, but APs in general, need to stop listening to these "sweet nothings" and start looking at the actions; he's showing you who's more important, his W who he sleeps next to every night. He's showing you where you rank (near the bottom). He's showing you he doesn't honor his promises. He's showing you he's a weak man. He's showing you how little you mean to him.

 

Look at his actions, that will always tell you the true story. And remember that, for the vast majority of men, sex is in NO WAY showing you "love". It's showing you lust, or, worst case, a simply need for release. It's his actions outside of sex that will tell you the real story.

[wmacbride]

So we've spoken today. He is going back. He wants his old life back. Although 'in any other circumstance he would be with me'. They did have sex while they were away, you were all right. But apparently it wasn't as good as me and him. He doesn't love her but he wants his daughter. They're going to have counselling and try and make it work. But he wants us to be friends , he told me I look good etc etc. It's all more of the same, him wanting me to be there because it feels good for him I guess. The problem is I'm tempted. I'm so tempted to just slip into being friends because a part of me wants him to change his mind. I know that's stupid but I do.

 

He sounds like the moral equivalent of a sleazy used car salesman.

 

He wants to be friends? What kind of a "friend" puts a woman he claims to be his "friend" through something like this?

 

If you want to see his true nature, look at what he has put his wife through? I expect he's been telling her all sots of sweet words, telling her he's sorry, he loves her, he realizes now how much she means to him...all while he's doing his damnedest to lure you back in.

 

That, right here, is who he is. Bare bones, no excuses. He is a liar who you will never be able to trust, and though it may hurt now, in the end, you'll be far better off.

 

 

If you need further proof of this, try this. Pretend your bets female friend has come to you, telling you she just met this great guy and wants you to meet him. It turns out to be your ex-mm. What would you advise her to do? Stay in contact with him or get as far away as she can?

[HeCantBreakMe]

I am sorry Rebel- I know how bad yesterday had to hurt to hear those things. I wonder how many of us share the same characteristic traits (us OW) because one of the issues I have is the need to feel in control of situations and to constantly worry about the outcomes. One thing I have had to do is to let my need to 'fix' the issue and feel in control go- this will workout the way it is supposed to no matter how much energy or hurt or emotion you put into it. The main thing you have to tell yourself and to remember is to be true to yourself in every decision you make moving forward 'ask yourself am I being true to myself'. If the answer is a resounding no, then stop and evaluate those choices.

 

If you decide to be friends with this man and allow yourself back into the affair you need to question if you are being true to yourself and to your needs. We cannot tell you what is best for you or how to fix the hurt in your heart; the only advice I can give you is to be happy today and to remain true to yourself- everything else will work itself out.

[jenkins95]

He's shown himself to be an adept liar, in fact, nearly everyone in an A is showing off their skills at lying. But you think it's only with their SO? Yeah, come on, get real. He's known his W for years or decades and can still look her in the eye and lie about something so important (having sex with you) so convincingly that she doesn't suspect a thing. This is why APs are terrible partner choices, they are showing you, in the beginning of an R, how good they are at lying and how easily they can manipulate and eventually destroy the one they love.

 

This is so true.

 

Let's face it, lying is part of life. I'll bet we've all done it today. Often it's one of the first thigs we say in the morning when we are asked "How are you?". "Fine!" we say automatically, when in reality most of us, by virtue of the fact that we are LS members are probably feeling anything but fine.

 

When I got to work this morning my boss asked me what I thought of a certain report. "Very good, I said. Covers most of what we need to say. Although the last section could do with a bit of editing and tidying up generally." Privately, I was thinking "Report? What f****** report! S***, was I supposed to read a report?"

 

We've all been there right guys? - and the world as we know it would fall apart without "necessary" lying!

 

But most people know where to stop - usually at the point where lies will have a negative impact on others. MMs/MWs don't have this boundary - they can't have it. They need to depend on lying to maintain their double life.

 

Take me! I am considered a pretty decent, good, nice guy (and I'm sure at some level, Rebel's MM is also a genuinely nice guy). Indeed, I got to 40 without ever really having done anything "bad", always tried to help, be kind and respectful, support people and make a positive difference. I only really ever lied in the humourous way that I illustrated above.

 

All that changed when the A started. Lying became normal and necessary. It got to the stage where the very fabric of my reality became so warped that what was actually true and false was irrelevant. All that mattered was using the right combination of words, true or false (usually a mix) to whatever combination of people I had to, to manipulate them and maintain the life I was living.

 

I lied to my W, OW, children, parents, friends, colleagues, strangers, myself....my dog. It didn't matter. It was a means to an end - like the whole of life was a game and that I was in a suspended reality that had to be fed with bull****. Every morning I would wake up thinking that the mess I had created was all a bad dream, only to be hit by the reality of it a split second later.

 

Another five minutes and the web of lies would start again:

 

"Dam, I'm going to be late in the office again tonight. We have a crazy workload on at the moment."

 

And once I was in that zone, I felt little remorse or sense of wrong-doing. I just had to concentrate on my own narrative so that I could repeat it when scrutinised. The lies happened almost automatically without thought, like I was just some pawn in a game controlled by external forces.

 

NOW I see it! Oh yes, now I do! Now I see how cruel and pathetic and selfish I was. I simply cannot believe the monster I was. I am now (hopefully) back to that good guy again...albeit a very damaged, fragile version. And I will never, ever go down that path again. If you've got any kind of conscience, it does eventually start to eat away at you, which is why sometimes, the WS experiences a sense of relief when it all hits the fan and hell is officially released. Post affair, we tend to romanticise the A in our minds - but the reality of it was that, especially towards the end, I could barely sleep at night, paranoia and fear and dread eating away at me, twitching nervously every time a door opened or a phone went - is today going to be the day my W finds out?

 

Sorry to thread-jack guys!

 

Just another illustration that affairs are just such a bad situation to be in for everyone involved - they destroy some and turn others into unrecognisable monsters. Next time I feel like a little adventure, I'll take up skiing or something!

Edited May 17, 2017 by jenkins95

[Chica80]

Jenkins!!! I love your post....

haha.....take up skiing.....

[freengreen]

Such honest post Jerkins .

So true about everything and skiing

Edited May 17, 2017 by freengreen

[Rebelnoir]

Oh gosh, reading through that list there are so many similarities. I've only had the hair compliment this week as he still knows I'm angry with him for wasting my time and future faking and generally being a cake eater. But little by little I'm sure I'll see some more of those empty words from your list as he tries to get back into the affair - these men are so predictable it's laughable lol. I've been thinking about hope quite a lot, I still check my phone so frequently, hoping maybe or expecting a message profusely apologising and announcing his divorce, and I don't think we should judge ourselves too harshly for hoping every once in a while. After all, our xmm are bad habits that we have to break, but if you want to move on from this chapter, the hope will fade. You can be strong, you have it in you .

 

Wow, isn't it crazy that they literally say the same things?! I had more of the same today. How badly he wanted us to work because he loves me. He hates that he hurt me, he just can't be a part time dad. Then he asked if I'd have lunch with him tomorrow. I can't figure out why he isn't focusing on his reconciliation 100%. I guess he wants to have his cake and eat it, just like your MM. The funny thing is when I'm not around him I'm so much stronger. Then I see him and it all comes flooding back.

 

I think that a lot of us will struggle with self love or have been in vulnerable places when the affairs started out. I have a suspicion that quite a few of us may have deep seated wounds from childhood...abandonment, trauma, emotional or sexual abuse. I know I did. But if we are open and willing to explore the issues that led us to the affair, we are one step closer to being at peace with our experience. Do you see an IC at all Rebel? If not, it could be a great step towards learning more about yourself and cultivating more self love.

 

Completely agree with this...I know I definitely have issues from my childhood. I have thought about counselling but not seriously. Maybe it's something I need to explore now, so I can shift the focus back to me. Maybe in the same way MM seem to be similar us OW are similar too.

 

I haven't been able to find a new job just yet. I know I could just move and find something if I was running away...but I did that once before (see my back story) and it was a huge mistake career wise. I am actively looking, but I want to make sure my new job excites me, just like any fresh start should do. How about you?

 

That makes sense. I'm in a similar position, I don't want to move just to move. It needs to be the right step for my career. I'm looking and applying. MM is doing the same and suggested we co-ordinate our job searches so we don't end up at the same place. We work in a really niche area and there's a high chance of it happening. But still a ridiculous suggestion! Hold out and I'm sure you will find something soon. I really feel like that will be the turning point, finding a new job

 

If we can stick to NC/LC and in time turn our energies and focus away from our xmm and onto ourselves AND make a wise career move, then we will truly be the ones winning in these situations .

 

One thought I had that I wanted to share with you...last night, I had a burning need to text my xmm. Why? Probably because I'm in love with him and wanted some sort of validation or love back. Deffinately because I'm addicted right now. But instead, I held off. I imagined the child in me, little jammy, she wants love and reassurance. She wants to soothe herself and ease her pain. I imagined that it was my job as a adult jammy to look out for her, and make sure that she didn't hurt herself more by messaging xmm. Instead, adult me, tried to reassure the hurting child inside me. I ran myself a bath. I meditated. I read. I talked kindly to myself. It might sound like an odd idea, but it really helped me last night.

 

Ah we certainly are similar as this is something I've thought and done before!! It really does help doesn't it. I'm glad you managed not to text him last night, well done. Addiction is the right word. I have an addictive personality and this is no different to anything else. I know it's bad and harmful but if at seem to stop myself sometimes. We will get there though. We are better than being somebody's bit on the side

 

Stay strong x

 

I hope you stay strong too!

[Rebelnoir]

The worst thing you can do is have hope or try to woo him back. He's chosen his child, wife and life he's built as a family unit over his affair with you. He may love you a lot but it's not enough for him to change everything and start over again with you. Maybe the glue that hold them together is stronger than what he had with you. Either way I really hope you can grieve the loss and go total NC. NO friendship can happen all that will do is keep you into him and prevent you from moving on.

 

I agree with this. Even if the glue is just their child (which is what he maintains), that's enough. He's made his choice.

[Rebelnoir]

Ugh bless your heart! Believe it or not, I have been thinking about you all day today! I read your update last night that MM would be back to work today and I can't imagine how anxious you must have been.

 

I have no advice b/c as my name states, I am completely lost lol. But do know that you have support and you are being thought of. I hope you are doing ok!

 

That's so nice to know I have people hoping I'm ok! I do think about the OW on here too and hope they're doing well. I hope you've had a good day

[Rebelnoir]

What did you expect him to say? Of course he'd say that to make you feel better about yourself.

 

I'd have said the same if I was him... Even if it wasn't the case.

 

To say otherwise would have left you feeling hurt and he didn't want to do that.

 

It's just like your man "Does my bum look big in this dress?"

 

He isn't going to say yes to that question. Not if he wants a happy wife or GF.

 

If his wife asked him if the sex with you was better, he'd say a definite NO. It meant nothing.... Just a release.

 

That list of stuff he said to you... Was to keep you sweet.. He doesn't want you going crazy on him.

 

You're so blinded by emotions, you can't see him for the player he is and his compliments.... are just words.

 

His begging his wife for reconciliation and all the promises he made her don't count for anything, based on your interaction with him....

 

So why are you placing so much value on what he's said to you? And believing his words to be true?

 

I think maybe I wasn't very clear when I wrote that list of things he said. It was very much meant to be despite all of these things he's saying his actions are showing otherwise and I know his words mean nothing! Believe me I'm not placing value on anything he says right now.

 

You're right about me asking about the sex. I guess he was never going to say anything else. Although based on our friendship prior to the A and knowing about their marriage from then, I am inclined to believe him. I've seen messages he's sent her about how sex with me was better. As others have said though sex isn't a deciding factor!

[Rebelnoir]

Nothing has changed.

You gave an entire list of things he said. Measure that up against one simple fact: he's staying with his wife.

It doesn't matter what he says, it only matters what he does.

You do realise he's saying the exact same things to her? How much he loves her, how sex with her is so much better, how sorry he is and so on.

He's telling you all these things to give you hope that he may be doing one thing, but he really wants to do the other. Don't fall for it.

He'd like to either have you as his plan b in case the R falls through and/or resume the affair when things calm down at home.

Honey, I think asking him about sex with his wife was just you being human. Still, I agree with Sandy. What did you expect him to say? And if his wife asks, what would he say?

You can't trust his words. Also, false reconcilliation is a very cruel thing to do. He's lying to her through this, why do you think he's not lying to you?

I don't know what his motivation to stay in the marriage is, but I can tell you that both my AP and I divorced our spouses, he has 2 children, I have 4.

We are both caring,involved, active parents-as are our ex spouses. I find it hard to believe that the child is the one and only reason he stays.

That's just a side note,though.

You must not be friends with him, that is never,ever gping to work.

He made his choice. Your only reaction can be to go NC.

Im sorry for your pain, I know it's very hard.

 

I completely agree that his words mean nothing. Yesterday was the first time he has ever told me he is choosing his wife over me (although his actions have shown that since he ended it) and it hurts.

 

I'm sure you're right and his child can't be the only reason he is staying, because ultimately he knew when he decide to leave that it would mean he didn't see we everyday. And it can work, just in a different way. He told me today he just couldn't handle being a part time dad and that he wanted us to work so badly, and he really tried but just couldn't be away from her. I know this is bull**** because he really didn't try and co-parent for very long or very hard.

 

It's just a crappy situation all round really as its caused nothing but hurt.

[Rebelnoir]

None of this has to be as hard as you are making it. Don't talk to the guy anymore, don't analyze his marriage and again stop talking to him!!

 

It's none of your business what is happening in his life, just concentrate on your life. Do a 180 on this situation and start living your life!

 

There is a whole lot of words being said and no action being taken. Or at least no positive action. Trust me if you don't stop talking to this guy you are going to waste a lot of years stuck in limbo.

 

It's true the saying "if they will cheat with you they will cheat on you." I had an affair, divorced and lived with the single OM. Guess what? He cheated and I repeated the pattern of my former marriage. I got out finally and I'm gloriously single!

 

I own and acknowledge the very poor choices I made in my past. It's

not all about the OM being a lousy person. It's people being lousy together, man or woman because it takes two to have an affair.

 

Stop talking to him! Kick him out of your head, the rents too expensive and he didn't pay damage deposit.

 

I hope I get to this place, I really do! Although it's none of my business what's going on he is continuing to make it my business by telling me about it, telling me he loves me etc. And I'm letting him. I don't know why but no matter how strong my desire to ignore him is, the minute I see him it just falls away. I'm struggling with what I know is best for me, and the immediate short term gain I'm getting from continuing contact.

[Rebelnoir]

Just noticed I missed a word out of my post.

 

It's just like ASKING your man "Does my bum look big in this dress?"

 

When you first said that he said the sex was better with you, I thought it was an unprompted comment, but like I said, by asking him outright, he was going to tell you what you wanted to hear.

 

It gives you a an ego boost and all in all, if you believe that the only reason he's with his wife is because of his daughter, then he looks a bit better in your eyes.....having given up the better sex with you.. Like some sort of sacrifice making him a martyr.

 

He's right where he wants to be and if you can get to the point of realising that the same was he lies to his wife, the woman who he took a vow of fidelity with, in front of friends and family.... Lying to you is well within his capabilities.

 

Yeah I think this is a weird mistake OW make...thinking we are being told the truth. I still want to believe what he tells me, as ridiculous as that is. Although since joining LS I am able to see him and his words for what they are!

[Rebelnoir]

One of the two in an affair like those parasite plants. They intertwine and look as if they want you around, you think they love you so they are all over you, but its for their own reasons they are there.Like those plants, they live off you, after a few years, the host almost dies and the parasite moves over.

 

I knkw I am very biased towards ' affair is always deadly' but I once belived, love of all kinds is holy. I still beleive, but I dont beleive that affairs support REAL love and real care , if they did, they would never happen in the first place.

 

He is giving you reason after reason to be free... why are you cuffing yourself?

 

I know. I guess letting go of somebody you love, no matter how toxic the love is, is excruciating. Especially when that person swears they love you so much. It's just a hard place to be and I can't seem to act in my own best interests despite knowing that's what I need to do right now. I have no concern for myself and that's scary

[Rebelnoir]

Bolded the really important part. He's shown himself to be an adept liar, in fact, nearly everyone in an A is showing off their skills at lying. But you think it's only with their SO? Yeah, come on, get real. He's known his W for years or decades and can still look her in the eye and lie about something so important (having sex with you) so convincingly that she doesn't suspect a thing. This is why APs are terrible partner choices, they are showing you, in the beginning of an R, how good they are at lying and how easily they can manipulate and eventually destroy the one they love. And you want this for yourself?

 

 

 

This is such a common theme on here, and was also a huge part of my W's A that I feel compelled to comment (again) on it. They are JUST WORDS. Men have been socialized since puberty to use words to get women to sleep with us. We know "I love you" often leads to sex. So we say it, we say it without meaning it, and we use words to get the sex that we want from women. Actions. Look at his actions. Because, as a man I can tell you, most of the time, our words to a new partner mean nothing. They are just a way to get to sex, nothing more, nothing less. Women, in particular, but APs in general, need to stop listening to these "sweet nothings" and start looking at the actions; he's showing you who's more important, his W who he sleeps next to every night. He's showing you where you rank (near the bottom). He's showing you he doesn't honor his promises. He's showing you he's a weak man. He's showing you how little you mean to him.

 

Look at his actions, that will always tell you the true story. And remember that, for the vast majority of men, sex is in NO WAY showing you "love". It's showing you lust, or, worst case, a simply need for release. It's his actions outside of sex that will tell you the real story.

 

You're right. The problem here is that for most of the affair his actions matched his words (or at least I thought they did). So trying to get my head round that not being the case is tough. I hate that he might have just used me for sex. He says that isn't the case, that he wouldn't have left twice if it was. Whatever the truth is, the reality is he is back with his wife even if they aren't living together yet. I just wish he would stop telling me all this crap too. It would be so much easier. And yes, he is a liar. I don't know why I believed he wouldn't lie to me.

[Rebelnoir]

He sounds like the moral equivalent of a sleazy used car salesman.

 

He wants to be friends? What kind of a "friend" puts a woman he claims to be his "friend" through something like this?

 

If you want to see his true nature, look at what he has put his wife through? I expect he's been telling her all sots of sweet words, telling her he's sorry, he loves her, he realizes now how much she means to him...all while he's doing his damnedest to lure you back in.

 

That, right here, is who he is. Bare bones, no excuses. He is a liar who you will never be able to trust, and though it may hurt now, in the end, you'll be far better off.

 

 

If you need further proof of this, try this. Pretend your bets female friend has come to you, telling you she just met this great guy and wants you to meet him. It turns out to be your ex-mm. What would you advise her to do? Stay in contact with him or get as far away as she can?

 

The head space I'm in right now is probably be jealous MM was trying it on with my friend. We've talked about what he's saying to his wife. I basically said I know he's telling her what she wants and needs to hear. He denies this and said he's not. He's told her that he wants to be with his daughter and that's all. I know that's lies. It has to be. Again, it matters very little I suppose. Whatever he is saying or doing is enough to make her want to stay with him

[Rebelnoir]

I am sorry Rebel- I know how bad yesterday had to hurt to hear those things. I wonder how many of us share the same characteristic traits (us OW) because one of the issues I have is the need to feel in control of situations and to constantly worry about the outcomes. One thing I have had to do is to let my need to 'fix' the issue and feel in control go- this will workout the way it is supposed to no matter how much energy or hurt or emotion you put into it. The main thing you have to tell yourself and to remember is to be true to yourself in every decision you make moving forward 'ask yourself am I being true to myself'. If the answer is a resounding no, then stop and evaluate those choices.

 

If you decide to be friends with this man and allow yourself back into the affair you need to question if you are being true to yourself and to your needs. We cannot tell you what is best for you or how to fix the hurt in your heart; the only advice I can give you is to be happy today and to remain true to yourself- everything else will work itself out.

 

Yep I'm definitely a fixer and I always need to feel in control. It's funny how we all do seem to have some big similarities. I know what you mean about trying to be true to yourself. In some ways though I feel like the A has made me lose my sense of who I am. I've settled for less and less during this situation and I don't know what's up and what's down right now. But it's good advice, it's advice I give my friends. At least that way you can never have any regrets because you know you did right by you.