MM left wife, and now me

[Rebelnoir]

Yup. Look at his wife.

 

That's your future if you end up with him

 

Does any OW ever believe this? I honestly didn't. I still don't. I believe we would be different and that he was like that because of his circumstances, not because that's the man he is.

[Rebelnoir]

I don't think any of us here can say whether he left his wife or was kicked out. But assuming he did as you say and actually left, it sounds like he got a taste of "freedom" and suddenly realized the grass wasn't so green. He probably over-sold how miserable he was in his marriage to you. His previous cheating wasn't because his life was so bad; he's just a cheater. So if indeed he left and went around saying he was going to be with you, he suddenly realized he was gonna face some consequences for his stupid actions. He didn't have his daughter anymore, he'd lost his wife, and his close family and friends were angry at him. Uh-oh, didn't think about that stuff.

 

So he flip-flops and tries to go back to the wife while keeping you on the line. He lasts a little while there, but then goes back to you, because he doesn't want you to go away completely. Back and forth and back and forth. Because neither one of you will MAKE IT END.

 

Think about how horribly he is treating you both...stringing you both along. Sure, he might be SAYING words to you, like he needs time away. But he keeps showing back up, doesn't he? He wants it both ways and he does not give a flying crap how much this is messing with YOUR head.

 

I suggest giving serious thought to what you really want for your future. And your present. Would you treat someone this way? What would you tell a friend in this situation? You feel love for him, okay. But why? When he's treated you so poorly? Really...think about that.

 

He is disrespecting and mistreating all of the women in his life. He pretty much cares only about himself. What does that say about him?

 

All of this rings true. And I think you're right, I haven't made it end and neither has he really. Everytime I ask him to meet, or to call he does.

 

I need to get better at making decisions for myself and sticking to them. At the moment I think it through, realise he's acted awfully, get angry...and then remember I love him and give in. It's like a cycle. You're right, I need to think about what that love really means. Talking to him yesterday, being in his company, I didn't feel love. I just felt anger and hurt and desperation. As sad as that is to admit.

 

A few of my friends have said the same thing, he's not caring about what he's doing to my head. He got so angry with me for asking the same questions yesterday as I have been since we broke up. I told him what do you expect when Monday night you're telling me you love me and we will hang out over the next couple of days, and then Tuesday morning you're back to it being done. It's messing with my head and driving me mad. And it hurts that he seems incapable of seeing what that's doing to me, and is instead blaming me for not understanding when he tells me it's over. You've given me some good things to think about, thank you.

[Rebelnoir]

I mostly feel sorry for his wife. How devastating it must have been for her to discover her husband cheating on her only a little more than a year after having her first child with him. This should have been a happy time in life for her, married and starting her little family.

 

You read his messages to her, you know she isn't holding him hostage against his will, but rather he is bending over backwards trying to keep her. He tells you he loves you not her but he tells her the same. That he loves her and not you. It's pretty obvious that the last time he left it was because she kicked him out and not because he chose to leave. Now he is trying like crazy to get her back but the greedy selfish man still wants you hanging around in the wings just in case. Just in case his wife ends up dumping his sorry ass or just in case he might like to restart the affair at some time in the future.

 

To my way of thinking, this is not a good man and I can't understand why you are competing for him. He is a lying using serial cheater who probably couldn't be faithful to any one. But just for fun let's give him the benefit of the doubt for the moment and pretend that everything he tells you is the truth. That he really does love you and desires to be with you. If that's the case then he is still a very conflicted confused man who feels shame and guilt over his relationship with you and what is the least bit attractive about that?

 

For myself I could never be with a man who expressed one shred of guilt or shame about being with me. Just no way in hell I would want anything to do with that. Don't you want the man who loves you to be happy and proud to be with you? Do you really want a guy who comes to you feeling like he is sacrificing so much to be with you? Who feels like you mess him up and cloud his good judgement? Who feels ashamed of you and your relationship every time he looks at his child? Yuck! Just no. That is no love story, it would just make me feel gross.

 

Lose this guy. There is no happy ending with him. Value yourself and believe that you deserve a man who will only feel happy and proud to be with you, who will be excited to bring you into his life. Just let this go.

 

I had been trying to block out how his wife was feeling. Honestly, that was easier when he was by my side and everything seemed OK and worth it. Now that he's not, I do keep thinking about it and I realise she is the only person who didn't deserve any of this.

 

I think part of the issue here is maybe I don't value myself or believe that I deserve better. I just keep letting him cross more and more lines but continued to love him. Even after all of this I literally told him I still want him yesterday.

[Rebelnoir]

but..

 

 

 

 

Yes, absolutely..it's confusing why a man like this could do something like that.

 

I never looked at it like that before...I always thought his behaviour was because of the unhappy marriage he was in, not because of who he is. Maybe that was naive. Honestly, I'm finding that seeing some of this written in black and white is giving me more clarity than I've been getting just ruminating. I'm realising how ridiculous some of my assumptions have been.

[Rebelnoir]

I really feel for you. I am disentangling myself from a lta right now and know how confusing it all is.

His reasoning about not being able to leave because of his daughter is just another emotional tool. She must be only young... Children do survive divorce and if she is young she would grow up not knowing any different.

If he was unhappy and really loved you he'd be tackling this a different way...he'd be at a lawyers making sure he got 50/50 custody and he would be dealing with his wife in an adult manner. Talking to her and finding the best way forward for their child. Marriages do end and that's sad but if all parties put the child first fathers do not have to miss out.

I too have had the children used as an emotional manipulation in my affair... It's tough, you can't stamp your feet and demand anyone to choose between you and their children but in the end if he lives close to them and is prepared to work at then he could be a wonderful father and you could be involved in his daughter's life as a wonderful step mother.

 

Brace yourself and cut contact.

I am as of today

 

What you've described is exactly what we discussed and planned. I truly believed it could work. But when it came down to it, he's made no effort to try and parent separately. Instead he's just staying over there acting like nothing's happened (as far as I can see, I'm sure it's not all rosy). His reasoning is that he is struggling being apart from his child and feels like we have destroyed her life. He says he's not sure if he wants to be with his wife, so I don't understand why he is staying there when he knows it'll give her hope, and false hope will ultimately be detrimental to any relationship with his daughter once his wife realises he will leave again. He doesn't have an answer to that. Not one he's willing to tell me anyway. The answer is probably that he is trying to make it work. I guess everything he's done shows how little he really wanted us.

 

He told me it seems impossible for us to end up together with all of these obstacles. I don't see that, I see what you've described. I guess it's impossible if you're not willing to put in the necessary effort to make it possible.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through the same thing. You've cut contact which I can only imagine is the first step to healing. I've done the same, I hope I don't give in this time. Seeing him at work really doesn't help. Let me know if you want to talk or vent.

[elaine567]

Seems to me pretty simple.

Given a free choice he would have you both. He would live with his wife and child and see you intermittently for fun and distraction.

Unfortunately his wife doesn't like that idea and you want out of the OW box too, you are now visualising the picket fence, so he is "confused".

Things are not really going to plan.

 

At the moment he is trying to juggle two women and lose neither of them in the process. He told you what you wanted to hear but unfortunately you got ideas above your station and he told his wife what she wanted to hear but unfortunately she found out he was cheating on her... DISASTER.

 

I guess his wife has told him to dump you totally or they are over and he is complying atm, but once the furore dies down and if you seem content to play the OW role or if he can convince you to hang on in there, then he will pick up where he left off.

 

Two besotted women willing to do just about anything to keep him in their lives.

What's not to like?

[Rebelnoir]

Seems to me pretty simple.

Given a free choice he would have you both. He would live with his wife and child and see you intermittently for fun and distraction.

Unfortunately his wife doesn't like that idea and you want out of the OW box too, you are now visualising the picket fence, so he is "confused".

Things are not really going to plan.

 

At the moment he is trying to juggle two women and lose neither of them in the process. He told you what you wanted to hear but unfortunately you got ideas above your station and he told his wife what she wanted to hear but unfortunately she found out he was cheating on her... DISASTER.

 

I guess his wife has told him to dump you totally or they are over and he is complying atm, but once the furore dies down and if you seem content to play the OW role or if he can convince you to hang on in there, then he will pick up where he left off.

 

Two besotted women willing to do just about anything to keep him in their lives.

What's not to like?

 

Maybe you're right. It's just hard to see that as, from the beginning, he told me he would leave and we got to a point where we were discussing marriage, houses, children etc. If I got ideas above my station then it's only because he helped and encouraged that. He knew I wouldn't have been with him if he wasn't leaving.

 

Honestly I'm not sure what's happening with his wife. It's very possible she's told him to end it. He has told me his version of events; that he isn't sure what he wants, she isn't sure. They're still separated, and although he's told her he ended it with me that hasn't been done because she wanted it or because he's trying to prove he loves her. Maybe I'm being naive but it feels different to last time, when he would block me on his phone etc before he got home. There's been none of that and I just feel like if she had made him do it she would be checking up on him. Who knows though, there are so many lies.

 

Whatever is going on the fact remains that he ended it with me but continues to see me and sleep with me, albeit on a very limited basis in comparison to what we had. Sometimes he admits he loves me sometimes he doesn't. He is also staying over at his house most of the week and limiting his time in the office. Who knows what's being said or done when he is with his wife. One of the last times I was at his he went to shower and took his phone in the bathroom with him. When I asked him why he said it was because he didn't want me to go through it (I've never done this behind his back). So he's definitely hiding something.

[Poppy's sister]

Your description of the cycle of getting your head straight and being angry and firm about stopping the affair and the remembering something lovely and going round agsin.

I have made excuses after excuses for my AP behaviour... And he says over and over he hates hurting me... But then goes and does exactly what he knows hurts....

I need to stop the cycle and find my own worth agsin.

It's very hard.

Best of luck reb

[zanwalk]

As others have said, he is using you as an escape to avoid addressing any problems at home. What you have to remember is that his wife has far more invested in a relationship with him than you have, i.e. they have a young child together. Just be thankful that you don't also have a child by him, this situation would then be a whole lot worse.

 

I know how you feel, and you are believing what you want to believe, but at some point you will have to face up to the facts, and hopefully that is now rather than wasting any more time with this guy.

 

Cut him off completely as it is the only way you will find any peace eventually, the longer you allow it to fester the worse the end will be.

 

I trust this doesn't sound too harsh, as I do know how strong these feelings can be, but you can find support and encouragement on here to help you through the dark days ahead. I wish you all the best.

[Rebelnoir]

Your description of the cycle of getting your head straight and being angry and firm about stopping the affair and the remembering something lovely and going round agsin.

I have made excuses after excuses for my AP behaviour... And he says over and over he hates hurting me... But then goes and does exactly what he knows hurts....

I need to stop the cycle and find my own worth agsin.

It's very hard.

Best of luck reb

 

It is hard. I think you're right about finding out own worth: at the moment I'm so caught up in what he is thinking and doing and I'm not thinking about myself and what I want. I feel like if I did, I would create some firm boundaries that I could stick to because it would be what's best for me I just can't seem to do that right now. I get caught up in what is, ultimately a fantasy.

 

I know that feeling of him hurting you, and then saying he hates it. But you've hit the nail on the head, if he hated it so much he would stop.

 

I hope you're doing ok with NC. I've taken some time off work and I'm keeping busy. Reading this forum and baggage reclaim (it's a good site, have a look of you haven't already) when I feel like I need to. As much as it hurts I want to do this. Good luck

[Rebelnoir]

As others have said, he is using you as an escape to avoid addressing any problems at home. What you have to remember is that his wife has far more invested in a relationship with him than you have, i.e. they have a young child together. Just be thankful that you don't also have a child by him, this situation would then be a whole lot worse.

 

I know how you feel, and you are believing what you want to believe, but at some point you will have to face up to the facts, and hopefully that is now rather than wasting any more time with this guy.

 

Cut him off completely as it is the only way you will find any peace eventually, the longer you allow it to fester the worse the end will be.

 

I trust this doesn't sound too harsh, as I do know how strong these feelings can be, but you can find support and encouragement on here to help you through the dark days ahead. I wish you all the best.

 

It's not harsh, it's probably what I need to hear and very much what everyone in my life is saying to me. I have deleted his contact details and all social media so I can't contact him while I'm off work. I'm hoping a good few days away will help me feel strong when I have to seem him at work.

 

As much as I love him and I hoped we would be together I can see I'm being deluded in thinking it will happen so I need to do this. Thank you.

[Rebelnoir]

As others have said, he is using you as an escape to avoid addressing any problems at home. What you have to remember is that his wife has far more invested in a relationship with him than you have, i.e. they have a young child together. Just be thankful that you don't also have a child by him, this situation would then be a whole lot worse.

 

I know how you feel, and you are believing what you want to believe, but at some point you will have to face up to the facts, and hopefully that is now rather than wasting any more time with this guy.

 

Cut him off completely as it is the only way you will find any peace eventually, the longer you allow it to fester the worse the end will be.

 

I trust this doesn't sound too harsh, as I do know how strong these feelings can be, but you can find support and encouragement on here to help you through the dark days ahead. I wish you all the best.

 

It's not harsh, it's probably what I need to hear and is pretty much what people in my life are telling me. I've deleted his contact details and all social media so hopefully that will give me some space to get some strength before I go back to work. As much as I love him I think I've been deluding myself into think this will work out. I need to do this, thank you.

[elaine567]

Maybe you're right. It's just hard to see that as, from the beginning, he told me he would leave and we got to a point where we were discussing marriage, houses, children etc. If I got ideas above my station then it's only because he helped and encouraged that. He knew I wouldn't have been with him if he wasn't leaving.

 

Yes, and I should have added ably aided and abetted by him, sorry.

It is the same old story I am afraid. He knew you were a decent person and would not sleep with a MM unless there was a good reason i.e. "love" or the promise of future commitment, so in order to have you, he fed you what you wanted to hear.

He fed your ego and you loved it.

YOU were the better woman, the better mother, the better everything... OF COURSE he would choose you, it was only a matter of time...

 

Yes, he may have got carried away and had dreams of leaving and of setting up home with you, but in the cold light of day, when it came down to the wire, when he had to make a stark choice, he didn't choose you. He already has a wife, he doesn't need another one. OR maybe now he has left her he doesn't actually NEED you any longer.

Some MM do find the OW is "love of their life" and give up everything for her, but this is not what this is, is it?

Atm he can still sleep with you whilst spending oodles of time trying to make up with his wife or doing whatever else he wants... YOU think the fact he is in bed with you, means that he must love you, but that just means he gets sex, that doesn't necessarily indicate love. Be careful hat you are not projecting all the "deep love" that you feel onto him.

 

Of course he doesn't want you to see his phone.

He may even be trying to set up another OW, it is not unknown in situations like this. His marriage is probably ruined (at least in the short term), you are on the verge of leaving, he needs to make sure he gets attention from somewhere. OR he may be actually enjoying his new found freedom...

 

You unfortunately got involved in a triangle and all the cards are stacked up against you.

DO NOT be like some on here who have wasted years of their lives waiting and waiting and waiting on the sidelines, whilst their MM just gets on with his life...

Time for you to choose YOU and leave him and all his problems behind in the dust.

Grieve, heal and move on...

It just wasn't meant to be.

 

(btw the problem with OWs and future commitment is that, to the mind of some MM, whilst the "innocent" wife was at home tending to the house and his kid(s), the "conniving, devious" OW was sleeping with him, lying to all and sundry and not caring about who she hurt... Is that really the kind of girl he would want to marry???? He thinks, NO.

Hypocritical of him yes, grossly unfair yes, but it is how some MM think and why they prefer to stay with the honest and trustworthy wife if possible.)

[BaileyB]

I'm sad to say, you have been deluding yourself...

 

That he loves you and that you will have a future together, that it will be a good future (when past history would suggest, he is not a faithful husband), that his marriage was bad, that he chose to leave the marriage (when he may have been asked to leave), and that what you've done hasn't contributed to the pain his wife and young daughter feel, at the end of a marriage.

 

You have been very naive and you have made some poor choices for yourself. And by poor, I mean that they will not bring you what you want in life and cause you nothing but pain and grief. But, you can change that - whenever you want.

 

You are worthy and deserving of more. I believe that with certainty. You need to find a way to believe that yourself. Some self reflection is key - how did you allow yourself to get involved in such a destructive relationship and what do you need to do to really feel that you want and deserve more... Good luck.

[BaileyB]

I think you're right, when I really look at it he was kicked out both times. It's just they coincided with when he said he was actually leaving...so I ignored the fact that he was told to leave... Seeing that written down has made me realise how stupid it sounds...!

 

That is delusion at its best. You just ignored the facts that you didn't like, and rewrote the history that you wanted.

 

But, you are more wise to this now, I hope.

[Rebelnoir]

BaileyB, you are right. Self reflection is what I need, I need to shift my focus from him and what he wants to me and what I want.

 

It's just difficult because my head tells me that, and then my heart starts reminding me of all the lovely things he said and did, the tender moments and the way I feel when I'm with him. But you're right I have been delusional and maybe I need to start looking at the relationship as a whole, without editing out the bad stuff, and accept that it wasn't good. The good things were not even things that were unique to him really. Anyone can say the right words, cook for you, hold you and touch you in a loving way. The things that actually make him HIM, his values and traits, well they're not so great. Thank you.

[zanwalk]

It's not harsh, it's probably what I need to hear and is pretty much what people in my life are telling me. I've deleted his contact details and all social media so hopefully that will give me some space to get some strength before I go back to work. As much as I love him I think I've been deluding myself into think this will work out. I need to do this, thank you.

 

Good, I'm glad you are giving this matter some perspective. It is so very hard when we are in the grip of a powerful emotion like love to be able to see things as others see them rather than through our own love tinted spectacles.

 

It will get easier with the passage of time, and hopefully you will be able to move on from this episode in your life and see how fortunate you are in having made your decision. The positive way to look at it is to see that he would only have continued the cycle of loving and leaving because he appears to be unable to face up to problems, preferring instead to run into the arms of another woman. Very often men like that go through life repeating that cycle and leaving behind a lot of broken hearts. I trust yours heals quickly.

[BaileyB]

Anyone can say the right words, cook for you, hold you and touch you in a loving way. The things that actually make him HIM, his values and traits, well they're not so great. Thank you.

 

Bingo! What he did was very manipulative - he saw that you were a good, kind person looking for love and affection... so he cooked you a few meals, said a few nice things, and made you feel very special. And, he got what he wanted.

 

You are not wrong to want that feeling - it is a wonderful feeling. But, he was not available to you, despite what you may have convinced yourself. A relationship built on lies and deception is not a healthy relationship... When you look at it another way, the "good things" are not so good after all.

 

You deserve to have that feeling with a really good man, who really loves you, and can give you the life that you want. This man, is not the one...

[aileD]

Does any OW ever believe this? I honestly didn't. I still don't. I believe we would be different and that he was like that because of his circumstances, not because that's the man he is.

 

Why would you think that?

 

The reality is that he courted his wife. He loved his wife so much he got down on one knee and asked her to marry him, he stood before god and looked in her eyes and vowed to love her for eternity, he made a conscious effort to bring a life into the world with this woman. Why do you think SHE wasn't as special to him at one point?

 

Why do you think your love is any different? You WILL be her one day. He doesn't cheat on her because it's a flaw in her, it's a flaw in HIM. And I bet she's not the first woman he's cheated on.

[imsosad]

OP, you have made some statements based on your assumptions regarding marriage and relationships.

1. One partner may be perfect while the other is 100% at fault for problems in the marriage. Your MM is "perfect" as you say, but is still unhappy. Only conclusion is that his wife is responsible both for his happiness and any trouble they may experience within the relationship.

2. If someone is unhappy in their marriage, it's ok to stray. 3. If someone strays it does not reflect on their character, rather on the one of their partner, who is guilty of making them unhappy.

4. You will always make him happy and that's why he'll never cheat on you. You must be as perfect as he is...

All of these are things you said in your posts. Do they really reflect how you feel and think?

I hope not.

I actually think you're the lucky one here because you can turn and walk away from this mess of a man. His wife has a toddler with him,she probably feels obligated to try every angle before kicking him to the curb,like he deserves.

He is a serial cheater, bad news. Do you not see how self centered and manipulative he is?

You saw for yourself how he lied to his wife. What makes you any different?

[Starswillshine]

This is a man who has cheated multiple times on a woman he loved enough to marry and have a child with.

 

Let's just say he isn't intentionally manipulating you. Let's say he is feeling some of the feelings he has told you. This is a man that when things weren't perfect, he went elsewhere instead of fixing his marriage. Remember, at one point, it was good enough to vow to spend his life with her and have a child with her. But when the going got rough, he put on his bitter pants and ran to someone else. Let's just say he realizes he can't fix those problems and now the problem of his affair and runs... straight to your arms and you have a legit relationship. What happens when problems arise in your relationship? Do you thinking will be different?

 

Run, run fast. When they show you who they are, listen!!!!

 

Be a realist. This relationship will never be one that is healthy. It will be confusing and heartbreaking. You will spend times feeling unsure. Always wondering after a fight what he is doing, what is he thinking. Will he leave? Will he find someone else? You will feel he can easily toss you aside when the going gets rough. You will convince yourself it is ok because all of these nice, surface level things he has done. But then you wake up years down the road after youth has left you to realize it was never a healthy relationship and you will bargain with yourself...

 

Look, I am a BS. 18 years ago, in the very beginning of my relationship, H showed me who he really was. I should have listened.

[wmacbride]

He sounds like a little boy. always wanting what we doesn't have.

 

People cheat for all sorts of reasons, but all of them lie within the person himself. This guy has shown you, through cheating with you ( not to mention his other A's, which you brush off as one night stands) who he really is.

It's not a "mistake", it didn't "jut happen", his wife isn't ticking him or forcing hm to do anything.

 

he's a little boy running back to his mommy ( wife) who likely has no idea how he sees her. you are far better off away from him.

 

Try this.

Tell hm that you need some time away form him. No phone calls, emails, texts, facebok likes or anything else. All contact must stop.

Give yourself that gift of time to do some serious thinking about what you really want, and if e is good for you or hurting you .

Also, tell hm that if he cares for you, he will respect your wishes and leave you alone. During that time, take a trip, get together with friends, have fun, date if you feel like it. Re-introduce "you" to yourself.

 

Give yourself a year like that ( he isn't going anywhere), and there a very high chance you will be thrilled the A is over.

[WarriorBabe]

Aside from this being an affair, would you date a man who lies to you? Would you date a man who you need to convince to be with you?

[Rebelnoir]

Yes, and I should have added ably aided and abetted by him, sorry.

It is the same old story I am afraid. He knew you were a decent person and would not sleep with a MM unless there was a good reason i.e. "love" or the promise of future commitment, so in order to have you, he fed you what you wanted to hear.

He fed your ego and you loved it.

YOU were the better woman, the better mother, the better everything... OF COURSE he would choose you, it was only a matter of time...

 

Yes, he may have got carried away and had dreams of leaving and of setting up home with you, but in the cold light of day, when it came down to the wire, when he had to make a stark choice, he didn't choose you. He already has a wife, he doesn't need another one. OR maybe now he has left her he doesn't actually NEED you any longer.

Some MM do find the OW is "love of their life" and give up everything for her, but this is not what this is, is it?

Atm he can still sleep with you whilst spending oodles of time trying to make up with his wife or doing whatever else he wants... YOU think the fact he is in bed with you, means that he must love you, but that just means he gets sex, that doesn't necessarily indicate love. Be careful hat you are not projecting all the "deep love" that you feel onto him.

 

Of course he doesn't want you to see his phone.

He may even be trying to set up another OW, it is not unknown in situations like this. His marriage is probably ruined (at least in the short term), you are on the verge of leaving, he needs to make sure he gets attention from somewhere. OR he may be actually enjoying his new found freedom...

 

You unfortunately got involved in a triangle and all the cards are stacked up against you.

DO NOT be like some on here who have wasted years of their lives waiting and waiting and waiting on the sidelines, whilst their MM just gets on with his life...

Time for you to choose YOU and leave him and all his problems behind in the dust.

Grieve, heal and move on...

It just wasn't meant to be.

 

(btw the problem with OWs and future commitment is that, to the mind of some MM, whilst the "innocent" wife was at home tending to the house and his kid(s), the "conniving, devious" OW was sleeping with him, lying to all and sundry and not caring about who she hurt... Is that really the kind of girl he would want to marry???? He thinks, NO.

Hypocritical of him yes, grossly unfair yes, but it is how some MM think and why they prefer to stay with the honest and trustworthy wife if possible.)

 

I can see that. He has told me sometimes he hates me for what we have done, so I know he must think in some way I have been devious in getting him to have the affair/leave. Maybe I have, I don't know.

 

I guess he did feed my ego. He literally told me I was perfect for him all the time. I always said to him that was dangerous as one day he'd realise I wasn't. It's hard not to try blame myself and feel if I was enough he would be with me right now.

 

He told me I'm the love of his life etc etc. Whether that was just to get sex, I don't know. It never felt like it, but I guess that's part and parcel of being in this situation. I will never know his true intentions because he is a liar by nature. As much as I miss him, and 'us', he always had another 'us'...him and his wife. I won't be wasting years on this, I just have to make myself get through the tough bit instead of running back to him when it gets hard.

[Rebelnoir]

Good, I'm glad you are giving this matter some perspective. It is so very hard when we are in the grip of a powerful emotion like love to be able to see things as others see them rather than through our own love tinted spectacles.

 

It will get easier with the passage of time, and hopefully you will be able to move on from this episode in your life and see how fortunate you are in having made your decision. The positive way to look at it is to see that he would only have continued the cycle of loving and leaving because he appears to be unable to face up to problems, preferring instead to run into the arms of another woman. Very often men like that go through life repeating that cycle and leaving behind a lot of broken hearts. I trust yours heals quickly.

 

I think this is key. If he really was as unhappy in his marriage as he said he was why didn't he leave? Especially before the baby. He didn't face up to it, he cheated. And now, when it's getting tough again he's refusing to face up to the mess that has been made. It probably will continue to be a cycle, unless he does some serious soul searching and addresses his avoidant personality. I doubt that will happen as he has talked about counselling but hasn't done it and seems to just be avoiding any thinking. Or maybe he's just not telling me because it's not what I'd want to hear.