Getting Past My Wife's Tattoo

[Jrbtt]

I've spent a lot of time reading this forum for the last couple of weeks and it is great.

 

There is a lot going on in my marriage and two weeks ago I started therapy by myself. I would like to get some help with our most current issue.

 

A couple of years ago my wife said that she would like to get a tattoo on her wrist. I think it is called an infinity symbol (figure 8 thing) with the kid's names or initials. She was hesitant because she was afraid of it being to visible for professional reasons and because I wouldn't like it. She was correct that I wouldn't like it.

 

It has come up a couple times since. She actually got a quote and was rethinking the placement because of pain or whatever. Every time it came up, I told I her that I didn't want her to get one because I didn't like them. Personally, I went back and forth thinking maybe I could talk her into getting one in a more discreet spot, but never talked about it.

 

The end of this past Febuary, I was at the national sales meeting for my new job. On my way home, I turned my phone on during a layover and I got a text saying: "So this happened tonight." It included pictures of her tattoo. My reply was what does it mean? There was no reply because she had gone to bed.

 

At dinner the next day, she asked me what I thought about "her artwork." I told her that is was ugly and that it wasn't art because a three year old could draw it. She asked if I wanted to know what it meant and I said no. I can't remember if I later ask, if one of the kids asked, she just told me, or if I just read it on Facebook. A later conversation she asked me something about why I couldn't support her. I told her that it takes away from my attraction to her. She asked me how I could be so shallow and I am the only one that doesn't like it.

 

We haven't talked about it since. We haven't even touched each other since. I hate it and do my best not to look at it. Either looking away from her or picking a seat that I don't have to have a direct sight line to her right wrist. I was even looking at watches to give her for Mother's Day, but I don't think it will cover it well.

 

The tattoo she got is nothing like what she originally wanted. The tattoo she got is like a charm bracelet with a K, J, and 5 angel wings. It is dots circling her wrist. The J and K are our kinds initials. The wings are for each of her dead grandparents and her dead father.

 

I don't know how to explain why I am so upset. Is it because I wasn't included in the symbolism, not included in the process, or because I don't think we are tattoo people. Possibly it is because she doesn't respect me. I think some tattoos are really cool and a form of great artwork. Hers is really dull.

 

So, any advice to help me to get over this? Thanks.

[aileD]

Yeah my advice is:

 

stop being a selfish jerk.

 

It's her body. Not yours. She didn't get Mickey Mouse tattooed on her, she got a meaningful expression of love tattooed on her.

 

Ask her to put a band aid on it during sex if you're thet turned off.

 

Seriously. The hurtful things you said to her are disgusting and uncalled for. Look in the mirror dude. You're out of line

[Marc878]

You told her upfront but it didn't matter much. I guess she showed you. Now you know where you stand don't you. Your feelings don't matter but hers do?

 

IMO I wouldn't like it either. I can see you feeling this way.

[SevenCity]

It says a lot when a woman does something to herself knowing you will find it unattractive.

 

To me it says she doesn't care about your attraction to her. Women in love with you don't do this - they want you to find them attractive.

 

As far as what you can do not much. She won't get rid of it so you may have to get rid of her.

[BettyDraper]

While I believe that bodily autonomy doesn't end with marriage, I think it's disrespectful for spouses to alter their bodies in any way if they know that their partners will hate it.

 

Your reaction is rather extreme though.

[Popsicle]

I would be upset too. I'd be wondering what else she would do knowing I didn't like it.

 

Probably anything!

[bluefeather]

It sounds like there is a problem between both of you that is deeper than that tattoo.

[Popsicle]

She won't get rid of it so you may have to get rid of her.

 

 

Oh, he's not going to get rid of her because of a tattoo.

 

It just might cause continual resentment, which he is asking for advice on how to get over/get past.

 

A good place to start might be to talk to her about it, but leave out the criticisms of the tattoo (since she can't get rid of it now).

 

Tell her some of the things you told us, especially about how it made you feel and what she could have done to make it better. See if she has even a little compassion.

Edited April 19, 2017 by Popsicle

[d0nnivain]

I don't like tattoos either. My husband has 6 of them. I don't really see them anymore because I look at him with my heart through love not just my eyes.

 

 

It's her body. You expressed parts of your opinion about not liking them but you never told her the placement would bother you. Your silence isn't helping here.

 

 

She got it done. As much as you don't care for it, if you love her find a way to be OK with it. She didn't get another guy's name tattooed on herself. She got a symbol that showcases her love for various family members.

 

 

I'm sure your position was something she thought about but in the end her desire to do this to her body outweighed your preference against it. It is her body after all.

 

 

Please don't let this poison your whole marriage Do tell her you are upset & feel left out, not that you want to be added to the tattoo but just that you didn't feel heard.

[dichotomy]

When I first saw the heading I was thinking - uh oh - this is going to be a story of your wife having an old tattoo with the name of an ex lover or ex husband, that you cant stand anymore - or something along these lines.

 

She got a tattoo with YOUR kids initials on it and the names of lost loved ones. Even if your initials are not on it -it still seems respectful to me. So you dont like the "art" of it.

 

Part of being a good spouse is knowing when to support your spouses individuality and happiness - even if you dont like it much. Sometimes at certain ages or phases we need to try something new in our lives - be bold.

 

Maybe her "stepping out" and doing something different - has you nervous concerned ? I know sometimes women get worried when their middle aged husbands buy a motorcycle, sports car, new outfits, or start acting different. Sometimes they think their husband is being stupid or immature with their middle aged crisis behavior - and laugh at them or mock them (not good!).,

 

This is could have been a moment to tell her you think is beautiful... and even kind of powerful and sexy. Might have been a fun night after that.

 

Right now - I would tell her you have been a stick in the mud, just used to things the way they were, and that you think her tatoo was a good idea, and inspired you to consider some new things too, and your glad to do that with her. You might find it ugly or not like it - but fake some enthusiasm and support her and not the tattoo.

 

True love is a choice - a choice to act loving - even when you dont feel like it. (From the book The Road Less Traveled)

Edited April 19, 2017 by dichotomy

[TheWoman]

When I was married I wanted to get a helix piercing on my ears. But I didn't because I knew my (ex) husband would not like it, and he would belittle and shame me if I did it. Its one of the many many reasons we are no longer together. Its your relationship, and like everything in life you get out what you put in.

[basil67]

You mentioned that you have other issues in the marriage. There has been talk of her not respecting you and your wishes and you're clearly not respecting her and her wishes.

 

I suspect that an all around lack of respect is behind the rest of the marital problems. Could it be that she really no longer cares what you think?

[basil67]

To me it says she doesn't care about your attraction to her. Women in love with you don't do this - they want you to find them attractive.

 

You're a man speaking about the minds of all women here. Are you aware that not all women think the same way?

 

My hair is cut extremely short and coloured red. Hubby likes it long and blond. But I know that his attraction to me is deeper than the cut of my hair. It's a shallow world you live in if attraction is only based on the physical.

 

That said, given all the other issues in the marriage, you might be right that she no longer cares what he thinks. It says a lot that she chose not to have his initial on the tattoo.

 

I wonder if the OP does want out of the marriage.

Edited April 19, 2017 by basil67

[OatsAndHall]

I'm not a big fan of tats but it seems a bit excessive to be fighting over a small one on her wrist.. It sounds to me like there are some deeper issues in the relationship that need to be resolved.

[SaveYourHeart]

Would you be this upset if she cut her hair the way you don't like it? She put a lot of thought into this tattoo, has wanted it for a very long time, and has some very sentimental meaning to it. If my husband had said the things you said, I would be beyond hurt. Take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are 100% aesthetically pleasing to her. I promise you that you have flaws or things you do that she doesn't like. Does she tell you you're ugly?

[doyathinkso]

Hair grows back.

 

A tattoo is a permanent disfigurement only removable by surgical intervention. Tattoos do not get "prettier" over time either.

[lucy_in_disguise]

This seems like an extreme reaction over a small tattoo of your kids' initials. I understand you don't like them but is it really that big of a deal? Surely she has other beautiful features you can focus on while accepting that she has the right to modify her own body. Your reaction seems like the sign of a great need to be in control.

 

Your comments were very cold-hearted. There is a way to express your feelings without being disrespectful and mean. I assume you also had the conversation in front of your kids which makes me sad.

[Jrbtt]

I knew I would get some tough critics and maybe that is what I need.

 

A lot of you are right that there are many other issues in our marriage. Most of the time I think she is selfish and wants everything her way. I know I contribute to some of the problems and have my own issues that aren't even related to her. This is why I am trying counseling again. Two years ago I was seeing a therapist, but she only criticized me for spending the money or would say things like OMG why are you going there again. I did stop going because she didn't complete a requirement of our health insurance and my deductible went up to $5000 I would have to meet before insurance kicked in. However, she periodically tells me I need to fix my problems and doesn't understand why I don't just do it because it is a decision. I have depression, ADD, and sleep apnea. Even with the sleep apnea being treated, I am still very fatigued during the day. I have been trying on and off for years, but 6 months ago I made a commitment to get it figured out. Currently I am seeing 2 doctors and the therapist.

 

Years ago I realized there is a double standard in our marriage and I should just keep my mouth shut. Some examples are:

 

When she drive, she shifts from reverse to drive while the car is still rolling. If I say something I am told I am controlling and to shut up. Last summer we had to replace the transfer case in her 6 year old car. I am blamed for it braking because it went out one of the few times I was driving the car. However, when I drive, she calls me a maniac while my former boss told me I drive like a grandpa. Also, when am riding with her and get bored, I might hang on the the handle above the door just to put my hand in a different spot. She takes that as a criticism of her driving.

 

She often overloads the washing machine and complains that the dryer doesn't work. Whenever I look at it it is packed with clothes and can't tumble. I will tell her it is just overloaded and that causes a fight because she doesn't think it is. We have to purchase a new washer every 2-3 years and have it repaired 1-2 time in between. I think there is a valid issue here. A while back she started making us all do our own laundry, me and the 2 boys ages 10 and 13. No big deal, but she often washes the kids clothes so we are back to it getting overloaded at times.

 

She had an affair in 2010 and was remorseful, but told me to get over it or it wasn't worth staying married.

 

When I went back to school, she complained about how much time I neglected them. Things got difficult so I dropped out. She enrolled and we all felt neglected because school was her priority for 4 years. She enrolled in the same program I was in, so I later found out she did copy a lot my assignments because becaue they were saved on our computer. During this period, she made time for the affair.

 

I have gained weight the last two years and she has been critical of that. She is Probably almost 100lbs over weight and I am 55lbs overweight. Just in the past week she demanded that I need to loose twenty pounds and it would do me good. My response was you are right, lets loose 20 pounds together. She said no because it would take her a year and I could do it in weeks. I said, so it will be easier to do it together and it will be good for us. She said no and moved on.

 

The kids notice a lot of the double standards and the fact she looks for things to be made at. She went away for the weekend with her mother and sister. While we were cleaning, my oldest kept saying that it was pointless because she was just going to find something we missed and yell at us.

 

I can go on and on or start multiple threads, but I should stop. Thank you for the great insight and suggestions that many of you provide. I know therapy only works so fast and I am one that can get discouraged fairly easily.

[SaveYourHeart]

It makes her feel happy and it makes her feel beautiful. You don't want that for your significant other?

[Jrbtt]

Would you be this upset if she cut her hair the way you don't like it? She put a lot of thought into this tattoo, has wanted it for a very long time, and has some very sentimental meaning to it. If my husband had said the things you said, I would be beyond hurt. Take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are 100% aesthetically pleasing to her. I promise you that you have flaws or things you do that she doesn't like. Does she tell you you're ugly?

 

A couple of months ago she did cut her hair pretty short while I like it long. Before, I always joked about what I would do if she cut her hair. When she did, I was just okay and took it in stride. I didn't say anything negative. Just said it looked nice and left it at that.

 

I will never deny that I don't have flaws. I am overweight and average looking at best. She does tell me I am fat and should fix it. She is about 100lbs overweight and I am 55lbs overweight. The only think I ever say about her weight is that we should loose some together or work on changing our diets.

 

Some guys like breast, butts, or whatever else on a lady. My wife's hair was always my favorite feature of her looks.

[NTV]

You don't like it because you have a mental desire to see you wife as a clean wholesome woman. This is bad because that is not who she really is but rather a pedestal you're putting her on.

 

Her getting a tattoo is a big cracked in that mental image.

 

It also means that you don't really know your wife.

 

That part is bad.

 

The good news is that now that the mental image is broken you can spend time getting to know the real her. And then better news is after that, because she's not on a pedestal and she's warmed up from all the attention of getting to know her you could ask for all the dirty dirty sex you're holding back on asking for.

[SaveYourHeart]

Well now here's the issue. If you're both saying hateful things about each other's appearances, you both need to see a marriage counselor and figure out better ways to express your feelings.

[Jrbtt]

This seems like an extreme reaction over a small tattoo of your kids' initials. I understand you don't like them but is it really that big of a deal? Surely she has other beautiful features you can focus on while accepting that she has the right to modify her own body. Your reaction seems like the sign of a great need to be in control.

 

Your comments were very cold-hearted. There is a way to express your feelings without being disrespectful and mean. I assume you also had the conversation in front of your kids which makes me sad.

 

Unfortunately it was in front of the kids. It doesn't make it right, but she yells and criticizes me in front of them. I usually try to talk to her privately, but she often raises her voice so they hear anyways. I have brought it up to her that I think I am loosing a lot of respect from kids because of it and she just tells me to do what I am suppose to do and she won't have to call me out on stuff.

[Jrbtt]

You don't like it because you have a mental desire to see you wife as a clean wholesome woman. This is bad because that is not who she really is but rather a pedestal you're putting her on.

 

Her getting a tattoo is a big cracked in that mental image.

 

It also means that you don't really know your wife.

 

That part is bad.

 

The good news is that now that the mental image is broken you can spend time getting to know the real her. And then better news is after that, because she's not on a pedestal and she's warmed up from all the attention of getting to know her you could ask for all the dirty dirty sex you're holding back on asking for.

 

 

She is actually the one that likes the dirty sex when we seldom have it. It is the maintenance sex that we lack.

[aileD]

Why did you come here looking for advice about a stupid tattoo when clearly you have much deeper issues in the marriage. Ask questions about those instead.

 

There are three sides to every story. You paint your wife horribly. She could probably paint you the same way. Then there's the truth ....

 

Your marriage issues don't seem to be anything so horrible you can't work through them in counseling together.