Getting Past My Wife's Tattoo

[GorillaTheater]

She had an affair in 2010 and was remorseful, but told me to get over it or it wasn't worth staying married.

 

 

Oh HELL no. Look, my outlook on tattoos is the same as George Carlin's: never do anything that makes it easier for the cops to identify you. But forget the damn tattoo, because you're married to a lousy person and you're screwing up because you're focusing on the wrong things to be unhappy about.

 

 

I get how depression can screw up your thinking, trust me. But you need to continue to sort yourself out (pro tip: rigorous exercise helps a lot with the depression) and when you get to a healthier place, figure out if marriage to this harpy is really what you want after all.

[Jrbtt]

Why did you come here looking for advice about a stupid tattoo when clearly you have much deeper issues in the marriage. Ask questions about those instead.

 

There are three sides to every story. You paint your wife horribly. She could probably paint you the same way. Then there's the truth ....

 

Your marriage issues don't seem to be anything so horrible you can't work through them in counseling together.

 

My guess the tattoo is is on the surface and a reminder of the issue . You are right that there are usually 3 sides to every story 2 people are involved in. I hope that I'm not as bad. I've been trying for several years by using the advice so called professionals put out in books and podcasts on being a better husband. I know I fall short.

 

I'm in therapy now with the plan of inventing her at some point. She doesn't think she needs it because I'm the one with issues. She said once that she could probably come to one of the appointments so the therapist knows what is going on with me.

 

I hope to work it all out.

[Jrbtt]

Oh HELL no. Look, my outlook on tattoos is the same as George Carlin's: never do anything that makes it easier for the cops to identify you. But forget the damn tattoo, because you're married to a lousy person and you're screwing up because you're focusing on the wrong things to be unhappy about.

 

 

I get how depression can screw up your thinking, trust me. But you need to continue to sort yourself out (pro tip: rigorous exercise helps a lot with the depression) and when you get to a healthier place, figure out if marriage to this harpy is really what you want after all.

 

Thanks. The therapist is big on exercise. Part of why I choose him. They even have have a personal trainer that works out of their office and has a couple fitness classes per week. They are big on the book Spark, which I listened to in audio book form a couple years ago. Unfortunately not motivated enough to do much for long.

 

My homework for this week is to do an activity for 30 minutes at least 3 times. It can be anything such as walking the dog as long it gets my heart rate up. Small goal, but it will be nice to be held accountable.

[d0nnivain]

I agree the tattoo seems to be the straw that broke the camel's back. Blowing up a marriage over a tattoo seems extreme. Walking away from your wife, Jrbtt, might just be the healthiest thing you have ever done.

[dichotomy]

At lot of dysfunction in your marriage. Also the affair. I assume sex is not great these days for you either.

 

So much to work on.

 

The Tattoo is just a focus point.

 

While its easy to say - end things and get a divorce. I honestly think you first need to work on you - more in shape and healthier. Take a step away form the conflict with your wife, even caring what she does, and focus on you.

[Davey L]

You are on here complaining about a measly tattoo and mention just in passing that she had an affair about which she told you to "just get over it"!

 

I suspect the tattoo is just the final straw on a long-since broken and grossly overloaded camel's back.

[GunslingerRoland]

It's amazing what a huge difference people's opinions on tattoos are. I mean a wrist tattoo is probably something that is rarely seen, and yet it's a deal breaker for some. Like as others have said, a totally different color of hair is a way bigger change, but wouldn't be a showstopper for many at all.

 

Anyway, i don't really blame her. She tried to consult you for your opinion and you were childish and rude. She went ahead and did it, and now you are being more childish and rude.

 

You're going to wreck your marriage over a tattoo. I think that says way more about your marriage than your opinion on tats personally.

[basil67]

You paint a horrible picture of your wife and marriage. So the next question to ask is: Why are you still there?

 

Serious question.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I knew I would get some tough critics and maybe that is what I need.

 

A lot of you are right that there are many other issues in our marriage. Most of the time I think she is selfish and wants everything her way. I know I contribute to some of the problems and have my own issues that aren't even related to her. This is why I am trying counseling again. Two years ago I was seeing a therapist, but she only criticized me for spending the money or would say things like OMG why are you going there again. I did stop going because she didn't complete a requirement of our health insurance and my deductible went up to $5000 I would have to meet before insurance kicked in. However, she periodically tells me I need to fix my problems and doesn't understand why I don't just do it because it is a decision. I have depression, ADD, and sleep apnea. Even with the sleep apnea being treated, I am still very fatigued during the day. I have been trying on and off for years, but 6 months ago I made a commitment to get it figured out. Currently I am seeing 2 doctors and the therapist.

 

Years ago I realized there is a double standard in our marriage and I should just keep my mouth shut. Some examples are:

 

When she drive, she shifts from reverse to drive while the car is still rolling. If I say something I am told I am controlling and to shut up. Last summer we had to replace the transfer case in her 6 year old car. I am blamed for it braking because it went out one of the few times I was driving the car. However, when I drive, she calls me a maniac while my former boss told me I drive like a grandpa. Also, when am riding with her and get bored, I might hang on the the handle above the door just to put my hand in a different spot. She takes that as a criticism of her driving.

 

She often overloads the washing machine and complains that the dryer doesn't work. Whenever I look at it it is packed with clothes and can't tumble. I will tell her it is just overloaded and that causes a fight because she doesn't think it is. We have to purchase a new washer every 2-3 years and have it repaired 1-2 time in between. I think there is a valid issue here. A while back she started making us all do our own laundry, me and the 2 boys ages 10 and 13. No big deal, but she often washes the kids clothes so we are back to it getting overloaded at times.

 

She had an affair in 2010 and was remorseful, but told me to get over it or it wasn't worth staying married.

 

When I went back to school, she complained about how much time I neglected them. Things got difficult so I dropped out. She enrolled and we all felt neglected because school was her priority for 4 years. She enrolled in the same program I was in, so I later found out she did copy a lot my assignments because becaue they were saved on our computer. During this period, she made time for the affair.

 

I have gained weight the last two years and she has been critical of that. She is Probably almost 100lbs over weight and I am 55lbs overweight. Just in the past week she demanded that I need to loose twenty pounds and it would do me good. My response was you are right, lets loose 20 pounds together. She said no because it would take her a year and I could do it in weeks. I said, so it will be easier to do it together and it will be good for us. She said no and moved on.

 

The kids notice a lot of the double standards and the fact she looks for things to be made at. She went away for the weekend with her mother and sister. While we were cleaning, my oldest kept saying that it was pointless because she was just going to find something we missed and yell at us.

 

I can go on and on or start multiple threads, but I should stop. Thank you for the great insight and suggestions that many of you provide. I know therapy only works so fast and I am one that can get discouraged fairly easily.

 

THIS THREAD IS NOT ABOUT TATTOOS. Your relationship is and has been in shambles. She doesn't respect you nor you, her. This is about your own personal demons and trying to tame them. The tattoos are simply another symptom of a broken (unhappy) relationship.

[Cephalopod]

If I were you, this is why I would be pissed at her:

 

She's a lazy, obese, unrepentant cheater and a lousy human being...who just happened to get a tattoo.

 

The tattoo was just the final straw.

 

Seriously my friend, divorce this loser and find a quality woman who possesses the traits you desire. This hag isn't it.

[anna121]

I too thought you were just being a jerk, until I read the follow-up.

 

The throwaway line about her affair is...startling. But perhaps you are so out of love with her that you would be content just to have an orderly household with a relatively considerate partner.

 

Why are you still with someone who sounds so horrid? Fear of being alone? Finances? Desire to keep the family intact for kids? If it's the last one, I'd say it's probably not working.

 

I think counselling would be a good idea.

[SevenCity]

You're a man speaking about the minds of all women here. Are you aware that not all women think the same way?

 

My hair is cut extremely short and coloured red. Hubby likes it long and blond. But I know that his attraction to me is deeper than the cut of my hair. It's a shallow world you live in if attraction is only based on the physical.

 

That said, given all the other issues in the marriage, you might be right that she no longer cares what he thinks. It says a lot that she chose not to have his initial on the tattoo.

 

I wonder if the OP does want out of the marriage.

 

No where in your post did you discuss your feelings for him, only his feelings for you.

 

Thank you for proving my point.

 

If you really love someone you want for them to find you attractive. I'm not saying you have to alter who you are but something as simple as a hair style or not getting a tattoo goes a long way.

 

When women alter who they are physically in a way their partner does not like, it screams that they are not really in love with them.

 

Changing your outward appearance (weight gain, weight loss, hair length, body modifications, etc) in a way that turns your partner off is saying that your preferences outweigh your feelings for them.

 

Physical attraction isn't the only kind of attraction, but when a woman changes her appearance to something that turns you off it sure says a lot about how she ranks you in her priority list.

[viatori patuit]

Get over the affair or it isn't worth being married. What a crock.

 

 

cephlapod hit it on the head.

[Jrbtt]

I stay because of finances, kids, fear of being alone, and I have always wanted a family. I also believe marriage is partly dedication and many people will go through periods of time that they don't like their spouse.

 

I guess I don't look at her as such a horrible person as some of you, but she has some issues like she is controlling and wants everything her way. That even makes her out to be selfish. I have always thought most of our issues were normal couple's problems, but you guys are making me see things differently.

 

I think I only mentioned the affair to make myself look better. She was very remorseful at first, but after about a month I believe that she thought it was time to move on. It is in the past, but I think it is still an issue for me.

 

I take a bunch of the blame. She was a much different person in the first half of our relationship and I was the more selfish one. I think I took her for granted and didn't treat her as well as I should have. In addition, my issues are no picnic for me and I'm sure she they affected her too.

 

One of the few comments on this thread someone said that I disagree about her enough to mention is she isn't lazy. She rarely sits around when there are things to do. I would almost describe her as a steam roller. She works full time in a construction field, she was president of the PTA for three years, volunteered a lot for the kids school, now serves on another non profit board, stresses over keeping the house clean, and takes care of the kids. I think her get stuff done attitude causes her a lot of stress and issues. For example, at work there are a lot of people that don't really want to do their jobs well and management doesn't do much about it. She is cought in the middle. Either being yelled at by customers because the project isn't done or being the squeaky wheel pushing people to get stuff done which makes people made.

 

Most of everyone's comments have helped me open my eyes to our situation. I will continue therapy and work on myself so I can change for the better. Unless my wife says otherwise, I will give us 6-12 months before I leave. My original plan was to work on myself for a while, then invite her to therapy. Now I'm leaning towards talking to her this weekend and seeing if she wants out of this relationship. If not, she needs to work on changing to. Thanks.

[NTV]

She is actually the one that likes the dirty sex when we seldom have it. It is the maintenance sex that we lack.

 

Yeah I think I was typing my response before your second post was visible.

 

If I'd have known about the affair I would have indicated that she's likely cheating again.

 

Sorry to say it but how often do you think you'd be happier without her?

 

Are you ready to divorce?

[somanymistakes]

 

Physical attraction isn't the only kind of attraction, but when a woman changes her appearance to something that turns you off it sure says a lot about how she ranks you in her priority list.

 

There needs to be a balance in a healthy relationship. You want to take your partner's wishes into account, but you shouldn't be a slave to your partner's wishes either.

 

If your husband prefers long hair but long hair causes you problems (the hair is too heavy, it gives you a skin rash, you need short hair for work, etc) then a loving husband should be able to deal with your hair not being long. You might want to try different hairstyles and see if you can find one he likes that works for both of you, though, because you wouldn't want him to find you ugly.

 

If a tattoo is deeply meaningful to you on a personal/spiritual level and you get a small one in an out of the way spot, that's really your business, and it would be kind of creepy for anyone not in a lifestyle BDSM relationship to think that every inch of your skin belongs to your partner. That falls into the category of "I know you don't like it but sometimes I have to do things for me."

 

If your husband is actively repulsed by piercings and you decide, without telling him, to go get a giant nose ring that he's going to have to see every time he looks at you, just because you felt like it... well, yes, it's your face legally, you have the right to do it, but at that point you're basically issuing a challenge to him of "CHANGE OR LEAVE". And he might pick leave.

[NTV]

There needs to be a balance in a healthy relationship. You want to take your partner's wishes into account, but you shouldn't be a slave to your partner's wishes either.

 

If your husband prefers long hair but long hair causes you problems (the hair is too heavy, it gives you a skin rash, you need short hair for work, etc) then a loving husband should be able to deal with your hair not being long. You might want to try different hairstyles and see if you can find one he likes that works for both of you, though, because you wouldn't want him to find you ugly.

 

If a tattoo is deeply meaningful to you on a personal/spiritual level and you get a small one in an out of the way spot, that's really your business, and it would be kind of creepy for anyone not in a lifestyle BDSM relationship to think that every inch of your skin belongs to your partner. That falls into the category of "I know you don't like it but sometimes I have to do things for me."

 

If your husband is actively repulsed by piercings and you decide, without telling him, to go get a giant nose ring that he's going to have to see every time he looks at you, just because you felt like it... well, yes, it's your face legally, you have the right to do it, but at that point you're basically issuing a challenge to him of "CHANGE OR LEAVE". And he might pick leave.

 

In this case they wife has cheated in the past, rugswept, and repeated very selfish behavior.

 

This is no longer a conversation just about a tattoo. The tattoo is a symptom.

[Cephalopod]

Okay...I take back the lazy remark. The rest still stands.

 

I don't care if she is the head of NASA. Job stress is no excuse for cheating. Being driven is no excuse. You let her rugsweep the affair and she has lost all respect for you. That is what you face now.

[elaine567]

Please lose the weight, not because your wife "deserves" a slimmer husband or because your wife has told you to lose weight, but because you have sleep apnoea and that is a serious risk to your health.

 

Sleep apnea Complications - Mayo Clinic

[Jrbtt]

Okay...I take back the lazy remark. The rest still stands.

 

I don't care if she is the head of NASA. Job stress is no excuse for cheating. Being driven is no excuse. You let her rugsweep the affair and she has lost all respect for you. That is what you face now.

 

Thanks, She is still my wife and I need to defend her on something. The affair was almost 7 years ago now and things were different with her career. Either way, you are so right about the no respect issue and I see the tattoo as the physical symbol of it. I will work on that before I make any big decisions. Thanks.

[Jrbtt]

Please lose the weight, not because your wife "deserves" a slimmer husband or because your wife has told you to lose weight, but because you have sleep apnoea and that is a serious risk to your health.

 

Sleep apnea Complications - Mayo Clinic

 

Thanks for your encouragement. I want to slim down for myself and health. I am getting more and more self conscious of how I look and feel ugly. Not to mention the energy levels and shortness of breath. I don't understand how big people do it. Thankfully my therapist is huge at promoting exercise. He will help push and hold me accountable. Thanks again.

[BluesPower]

Thanks, She is still my wife and I need to defend her on something. The affair was almost 7 years ago now and things were different with her career. Either way, you are so right about the no respect issue and I see the tattoo as the physical symbol of it. I will work on that before I make any big decisions. Thanks.

 

Dude, dude, dude...

 

Listen, for gods sake listen. And understand that I mean you no disrespect in any way. And before I blast you a little, please understand that I have been where you are at in some ways, not this bad, but is some ways.

 

The affair could have been 27 years ago, and you, being weak, allowed her to basically tell you to Kiss her A**. OMG, man you should have divorced her right there, on the spot.

 

[]

 

Further, I think that affair is still going on or another one has started. Why, because she treats you with contempt. She treats you like you do not matter, and well, because you don't. Basically, she can bang who she wants to and have comfortable weak beta husband waiting at home.

 

There were zero consequences for her affair, zero hardships, just kiss my butt buddy. If you don't like it lump it.

 

[]

 

YOU have to change your life, if you were not so down on yourself, you would realize that a man like you, once you get in shape and change your attitude, you will be a hot commodity on the open market.

 

Everything that you are doing, except the therapy if they are a good one, you need to stop.

 

Read "No more mr nice guy" and anything else that will help you realize how to be a strong, confident, assertive man. Key word there is MAN.

 

How long has it been since you checked her phone? years?

 

Please understand that I am trying to wake you up so that you might find some type of happiness in your life. But to do that you have to do a 180 degree switch on your general attitude.

Edited April 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted rude content ~6

[Mr. Lucky]

Thankfully my therapist is huge at promoting exercise. He will help push and hold me accountable. Thanks again.

 

Jrbtt, this theme comes across in a number of things you post - you don't seem to feel personally responsible for your own happiness. Your passive approach to your wife's post affair conduct is another example of this.

 

Have you thought about the things you need to live the life you want? I'd guess the people close to you would look at you very differently were you to take proactive steps towards those goals...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bufo]

Look on Google or you tube for tattoo remover commercial from Saturday Night Live. Show it to her and ask her if she sees the humor in it. I never considered one since I worked as a kid with WW II vets who had indecypherable tats from their service years.

 

My kids following the herd like lemmings over the cliff both got tats as college kids. They are now no longer enamored of their adolescent choices. Fortunately they are hidden when they are fully dressed, but these were mistakes they know mom and dad won't foot to bills to erase.

 

I've learned to ignore these tats and maybe you can do the same.

[Poutrew]

Sometimes, a tat is a symptom of something severe, like a cancer growing in the body. It starts out small, then gets bigger, then spreads everywhere.... watch out for this small tattoo to multiply. Now that she knows she can get away with it, watch some stars pop up on her shoulder... then a vine will grow, starting from her waist, over her shoulder and around her breast... then it's Harley wings, and she's talking about getting a 'full suit'. Sounds like she doesn't really give a sh** about what you think. Dude, you mentioned your wifey had an affair - are you sure she isn't in one now? Her OM just might be encouraging the 'white trash' look....

 

On the bright side of things, if you decide to stay with her, she will never have the right to make you do something you don't want to do. She doesn't like your pot belly, just point to her tat and say: "you have your tat, and I have mine. Get over it." Same thing for that 15 day Caribbean pleasure trip you are planning to take next summer with your single buds: she chose to spend her money on body art. You are making your choice, too. Like she told you about her affair, just tell her to 'get over it'. You know, on second thought, just dump her and find a better woman. They are out there and will be grateful your stupid wife destroyed your relationship.