figgurinoutlife Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 My ex is dating someone and has been since March, I did the NC thing for 2 months to get more over her, and we have been talking for the past 2 months off and on, calls always initiated by her. Well after another 2 weeks of silence she calls and wants to hang out even though she has a boyfriend. She says she wants to kiss me to see if there is still feelings there and she cannot tell me why she wants to do this and what she will do if the feelings are there. She did tell me she is still attracted to me and misses me. She has been calling wanting to talk about this all last week, she doesn't say she is having problems with her boyfriend and they seem to be fine but just wants to find out if the feelings for me are still there. Well I didn't know what to say to her and I just told her I was still attracted to her and still care about her, and not much else. I am still very attracted to her and love her and am wondering what to do to keep her interest peaked to where she would want to break up w/her boyfriend and start something w/me again. I don't want her to act overly desparate for her as I think it would scare her off, but should I remain cool? She has been quiet the last couple days as she has not called me as much, but do you think she'll start to REALLY persue me or back off because I am not fawning all over her. How do I act in this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
katty Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Keep up the good work. Don't let her think she can just walk back in where you two left off. If I was you I wouldn't get involved with her until after she was way out of the other rs, just keep some distance between the two of you and let her do the contacting. Best of luck to you my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
woodstok Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Just let her know that you still have feelings as well, but also make it known you are not sitting around waiting for her and that you go out and still live your life as if you are single. I went through exactly what you are going through and my girl came back to me after 2 months, she did have a current guy, but it is obvious if the new guy was so awesome then they would not be comng back to you. Just be there for her, go out, keep letting her make the contact, although occasionally text her or call just to say hi and keep it short and if you want her again then do it. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
blue16 Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by figgurinoutlife I just told her I was still attracted to her and still care about her, and not much else. Originally posted by figgurinoutlife She has been quiet the last couple days as she has not called me as much, but do you think she'll start to REALLY persue me or back off because I am not fawning all over her. How do I act in this situation? What I would do is nothing. Act indifferent. Do not say "I am still attracted to you, I still care about you etc." All that does is put the power back in her hands, when you were the one who had the control. It really doesn't surprise me that she isn't calling you the last couple days. In my opinion, she doesn't want to get back together at all but wants to know that you still want to be with her. So she calls you...says she is attracted to you (which is probably true) and then you say you still like her. She got her little ego boost, she knows you still want her and now she thinks she has the power so she has no reason to contact you anymore. She never once mentioned anything wrong with her relationship, she is probably very happy right now. She never said she wants to get back together, she is in a relationship right now and and didn't mention anything wrong. All she said is she wants to 'kiss you to see if she still has feelings' wtf is that. Don't let her control you like that, you're her toy right now and she is calling the shots. When she really wants to get back together you will be able to tell. Anything short of breaking up with her boyfriend and her actually saying "I want to give it a second shot." is just a ploy to get an ego boost at your expense. Go meet other women fast and you'll start BEING indifferent towards this girl, not 'pretending' to not care. That's all I can suggest right now... Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 I don't think this girl shares your perspective on relationships. If she valued them the same ways as you do, she wouldn't tell you that she wants to kiss you in order to see if there are still feelings there. She has a boyfriend. Period. You don't walk around testing the waters while you have someone at home. If you're not happy with your partner, have enough courage to set him free, give him the same chance to look around that you want. She had the opportunity to figure out if she still wanted you or not before she started the relationship with her new boyfriend. She had the chance and she didn't take it. Why now? I honestly don't understand why people always start to talk about their damn feelings with their exes or other people who are interested in them while they themselves are not available. Really, what the hell is going on with people, this kind of egoism is so disgusting. figgurinoutlife, no matter how much you still love her, you deserve someone better. She's selfish and just looking out for her best. Next time she asks you to hang out, tell her that you both are not dating anymore and that you find it inappropiate that she asks you for a kiss to see if she still has feelings for you or not. Let her know that her behavior is quite disrespectful to you, because you and her boyfriend are not backburner guys who have nothing better to do than to be at her service. Be calm and non-aggressive and if possible tape the talk with her. When she starts to get mean and hurt your feelings, tell her that you will send her boyfriend a copy of the talk to let him see what kind of girl she is. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 The kiss thing sounds like bs to me. She has dated you, she knows whether you have chemistry or not. Kissing isn't going to tell her how she feels. All that will happen is all your hard work to get over her will be flushed down the toilet with the rest of her bs. I'd tell her either you two get back together or you're going NC (this time for good), that you're tired of the games and being stuck in limbo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author figgurinoutlife Posted July 30, 2005 Author Share Posted July 30, 2005 So I should do NC again? We haven't kissed or anything yet because now she is being silent, she called everday from Fri. to Wed. eve and she kept wanting to talk about what she should do and I really didn't know what to tell her. But why would she want to kiss me if she already know if the feelings are still there and cheat on her boyfriend if she wasnt considering getting back w/me? I was pretty blunt when she asked me how I felt about her, I did not say I still loved her or wanted to get back w/her and only said I still care about you and am attracted to you after she said it to me. Do you think she is just trying to figure things out right now and needs time to think? Should I really not call her and wait till she calls me again? I am on good terms with her now which I am thankful for because it has been off and on being mad at each other. Also I asked her why all of a sudden she wants to kiss me and she said that it hasnt been all of a sudden and that she has still liked me the whole time. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by figgurinoutlife She has been quiet the last couple days as she has not called me as much, but do you think she'll start to REALLY persue me or back off because I am not fawning all over her. How do I act in this situation? you need to play it cool and indifferent and string her along another 5 or 6 wks. dont' initiate contact but when she contacts you be happy and upbeat and non-serious. don't talke about your feelings or attraction twds her at all. just be nice and calm and cool as a cucumber. also, and this is impt, let her know indirectly that you are seeing other chicks, even if you are not. this will make her jelous to no end. tell her something like: "hey, if u wanna get together, thats fine....if not, then thats fine too!" Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Why do people let other people mess them up for no reason and don't even get angry? Link to post Share on other sites
lostinmymind Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 I'm in a similar situation right now. She called a few days in a row, and now has stopped. So...I am going to stop also. It might have just gotten to be too much for her to handle at the moment. She will call again, I guarantee it. Take things slow, act cool, if it is meant to happen, then it will eventually. Do not give her the power, do not give her an ego boost. Don't tell her your feelings towards her, hold it in and when and if the time comes SHOW her. Do not give in to her "i want to kiss you" scheme. You would only be helping her cheat on her boyfriend. That is wrong, if you were her boyfriend, what would you think of you or of her? Hold yourself to a higher standard. Also, if the time comes that you want to do something with her here is what you do. Text her and say "Would you wanna do something tonight? Maybe 'this' or this'? It's ok if you can't or don't think it's a good idea. Let me know." It's important to give her the choice of not hanging out and also to let her choose the activity. It's good to pick one casual activity maybe where there are a lot of people and then another more intimate one. Which one she picks can tell you a lot. Don't let it be more than two friends hanging out though, or you are asking for trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
blue16 Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale also, and this is impt, let her know indirectly that you are seeing other chicks, even if you are not. this will make her jealous to no end. This definitely would make a woman jealous if she has any kind of feelings for you at all. I have one question though, for the benefit of me and anyone else that wants to know. In what way can you casually mention you are seeing other chicks, even if you aren't? This would be a very handy skill to know please share! Link to post Share on other sites
Author figgurinoutlife Posted July 31, 2005 Author Share Posted July 31, 2005 I have told her I am dating, even though I am really not. It is just hard to figure out why she quit calling all of a sudden, I mean I wasn't acting desparate but rather very vague about my feelings toward her. She said she has liked me the whole time, but she sure has a weird way of showing it, anything from acting mean to me, throwing her boyfriend in my face, acting hyper, poking fun at me or embarrassing me in a sort of mean way, or not talking to me. She is not a shy person only she doesn't always know what to do when she still has feelings for someone. So if I want to get her back I should not call her until she calls me, right? Does anyone else have any theorys to why she isn't calling now? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted July 31, 2005 Share Posted July 31, 2005 Originally posted by figgurinoutlife Does anyone else have any theorys to why she isn't calling now? Does it really matter? Link to post Share on other sites
pippen_2k Posted July 31, 2005 Share Posted July 31, 2005 CAUTION!!!!! EVIL WOMEN!!!!! RUN Link to post Share on other sites
ziggue Posted July 31, 2005 Share Posted July 31, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale Let her know indirectly that you are seeing other chicks, even if you are not. This will make her jelous to no end. Tell her something like: "Hey, if u wanna get together, thats fine....if not, then thats fine too!" Exactly what I was thinking. If she sees you out with another chick or thinks that you are seeing other chicks you are bound to get some sort of reaction from her and in these situations 95% of the time they do ring back even if you don't want them too. Link to post Share on other sites
SoftDrink Posted July 31, 2005 Share Posted July 31, 2005 say something like "i'm not into fooling around with people who are involved with someone else. if something happens with you and your boyfriend down the line, then maybe we'll see what happens. i'm not making any promises, though. i don't know who i'll be with at that time, and if i am with someone, i won't want to kiss anyone else." maybe that will set her straight. i did this to an ex once too. i had a new boyfriend, and he had a new girlfriend, but we met up and hung out at a park we always used to go to together. we didn't end up kissing, but if we did, it would have only been because i wanted to think "haha, he kissed me when he was with her." it was more of a power thing than anything else. i didn't really want to kiss him at all. i just wanted to feel like he still wanted me, even though i was the one who broke up with him. stupid, yeah, but sometimes people feel that way. i have a feeling that's where your ex is at too, or at least along the same lines. Link to post Share on other sites
Author figgurinoutlife Posted July 31, 2005 Author Share Posted July 31, 2005 That is a good line to give softdrink. I will try that if I talk to her again. Yeah, I figure she is using me for her test dummy, but I don't know why I am her ego boost cause I'm sure she has a number of guys interested in her. I think the NC really worked because I did not call her or see her for 2 months, then she started calling acting mean at first, then we started to become friends, now this! So should I call her, or wait till she calls me? Does it sound like she's confused about what to do or is avoiding me cause she changed her mind and is maybe thinking "I can't cheat on my boyfriend." She did not get what she wanted from me which was a kiss, and for me to say I want her again, so I don't think she is running cause she got what she wanted. What is her deal, why isn't she calling? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 31, 2005 Share Posted July 31, 2005 Originally posted by blue16 I have one question though, for the benefit of me and anyone else that wants to know. In what way can you casually mention you are seeing other chicks, even if you aren't? This would be a very handy skill to know please share! when talking to her over the phone just casually mention you are going to see a play on Fri nite. Don't give any more detail. Two guys don't go to see a play together so she'll automatically assume you're going with a woman. See...it is easy. Just pick any event that only a couple would go to. If she asks for any details, just say it is none of her business or that it is private. Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted July 31, 2005 Share Posted July 31, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale when talking to her over the phone just casually mention you are going to see a play on Fri nite. Don't give any more detail. Two guys don't go to see a play together so she'll automatically assume you're going with a woman. See...it is easy. Just pick any event that only a couple would go to. If she asks for any details, just say it is none of her business or that it is private. Wow, that's actually a really clever advice. I'm not used seeing such sophistication coming from you, ALPHAMALE. You're not a woman pretending to be you? Link to post Share on other sites
Jaime03 Posted July 31, 2005 Share Posted July 31, 2005 In my opinion she is just dragging you along. What if you had kissed her and she didnt feel anything and ofcouse you did. Then what? I would NOT call her at all. When she does call dont even play games by telling her you are dating or anything just act like you do not care. If you really didnt care you wouldnt try to make up something? I would move on. If you did get back with her would you trust her anyways? The hardest part of moving on is excepting that things just didnt work out and that you arent getting back together. Maybe thats not how it is in your case. Maybe things were great. All I am saying is if you know that it probably wouldn't last then go ahead and move. A lot of it is just an ego thing to. It hurts to think that she is with another guy. That is the worst. Look at it this way though it cant get any worse. I would feel sorry for him. You should. Let it be him and not you. If things were so great there she wouldnt call you and want to kiss you. My advice go out, Have a good time, try not to let it bother you and when you least expect it something great will come along...and when she does call because she will...play it cool and be strong...that is going to be the hardest thing especially if she is confessing her love to you or anything like that...have pride and dont let her think she can just come in your life when she pleases. Link to post Share on other sites
Author figgurinoutlife Posted July 31, 2005 Author Share Posted July 31, 2005 That is good advice Jaime03 and good advice from the rest of you as well. I am so confused on why she called me for a week straight and acted interested in discussing all this kissing nonsense and she even talked about our past when we first met to now not communicating w/me at all and leaving me high and dry. I haven't called her and hope I am doing the right thing by not. I did not say I wanted her back, the only thing I said was I was still attracted to her and still cared for her, but only after she said the same thing to me. So I feel I played it pretty cool. She asked me what she thought she should do about kissing me and I didn't know what to say. Did she want me to say "break up w/your boyfriend?" or what? Then if I said that she would know that I still want her, and I didn't want to do that, then she would really have an ego boost and probably not dump him at all. Does anyone know why she stopped calling after she was acting interested for a week? It is just soo weird Link to post Share on other sites
blue16 Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 In your position, saying "I'm still attracted to you and care for you" = I want you back. I know you didn't actually say "I want you back." but she can read between the lines your statement. It doesn't matter what she says about still being attracted to you or whatever, don't say anything about caring for her, loving her, being interested, being attracted to her, wanting to get back together etc....NOTHING like that. All that does is give her that ego boost that she so desperately wants. Just act indifferent... You keep asking why would she call you out of the blue and seem interested, then all of a sudden not call. Not like it really matters, but if I had to guess I would say since you did no contact for a while she wanted to make sure you still liked her. After talking with you for a little bit, she got the impression you still wanted to get back together with her, she got her little ego boost and realized she doesn't need to call you anymore because she already knows what she needs. Classic routine which has happened to all of us... PS - Don't call her! Link to post Share on other sites
Author figgurinoutlife Posted August 1, 2005 Author Share Posted August 1, 2005 That seems true Blue16. What is the point of an ego boost if she is happy with her boyfriend, you think that would be all the ego boost she would need. I think she may be trying to get me to chase her and pine away for her, and I sort of used to do that at times, but I have not at all since April when I went into NC. I am just glad I didn't say outright that I wanted her back and I love her or some crap. Do you all think she is just trying to string me along and keep me on the backburner, just in case? Maybe she is trying to show up at times just to throw a monkey wrench in my moving on to get me to start thinking of her again? I do believe she is attracted to me still as she said and I do have alot going for me now, finished college 2 years ago, have a great job, and am getting my life together and I know she senses it. A little info. on the guy she's dating, he is very nice, is 26, same age as me, works at a porn store, no college or futher education, not nice looking at all, but he is alot edgier than me, so maybe that is what the attraction is. No disrespect to her boyfriend at all, it just amazes me how someone can seem so great to date and the person would want to date someone not so great. Link to post Share on other sites
ltomlinson81 Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 If you want to kiss her, then kiss her. If you want to be with her, tell her that. If you don't want her in your life anymore, then don't talk to her. Why play games? Link to post Share on other sites
fundamental Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale you need to play it cool and indifferent and string her along another 5 or 6 wks. dont' initiate contact but when she contacts you be happy and upbeat and non-serious. don't talke about your feelings or attraction twds her at all. just be nice and calm and cool as a cucumber. also, and this is impt, let her know indirectly that you are seeing other chicks, even if you are not. this will make her jelous to no end. tell her something like: "hey, if u wanna get together, thats fine....if not, then thats fine too!" perfect advice!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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