one woman vs three men

[just_dont]

i won't talk about a quartetto, i just wanted to grab your attention

 

there are three men in my mind, but none of them is really present in my daily life.

 

#1

is someone i feel a lot of affection for, but i know it isn't going anywhere. we are dating long distance and have good times when we meet (once or twice a month). we've been dating for 10 months already. we haven't had sex yet. I KNOW its bizzare. at first it was him who didn't want to. felt too nervous. now, the last 4 months it's me. i just don't see him that way anymore.

 

he's quite self centered but mostly because he has always been on his own, so i understand why. that somehow has caused me to not care about giving much either. so im just postponing what needs to be done. but on the other hand why should i? none of us is serious about it. none of us expects to marry the other so why should I worry about wasting his time? I can just enjoy our hangouts when he comes to see me and that can be it. bu what makes me feel bad about breaking up with him is that he is having an intense emotional reaction when he sees me and when we part. i would hate t break his heart that way.

 

#2

is someone i used to have a very intense relationship with. he was a broken person and i was a broken person back then. it's only natural it wouldn't last. we split because he broke my trust and i couldn't take him back after this. he loved me, in a way i couldn;t understand. he tried numerous times to reach me and to see me. we always ended up fighting through e-mail or text. i never went to meet him. it was hard for me to cope because i loved him, but even harder for him. i knew he was seeing a therapist after we split up because he couldnt handle it.

 

recently, i found out he has a daughter. i really felt happy for him and wanted to congratulate him. this was the first time i initiated contact and this was he only time we didn;t fight. he really seems changed, and much calmer than he used to be. his daughter softened him. i tried to ask about his wife but he wouldn't say much. he said it'd be awkward because he still has feelings for me.

 

i cant help but think how it would be, if back then, when we thought i was pregnant and he was ecstatic about it i really was pregnant. would things have gotten better between us? i cant help but thinking, why did he break my trust if he loved me so much. and then i think that he just couldnt because he wasn't in a good place. even though im 99,9% over him it still breaks my heart.

 

in a way im happy to know now that he's not an awful person and that he did love me back then as i loved him. i can understand him. but at the same time that hurts. because this myth, that if you love someone you don't let them go is not always true. it's only true when you're healthy. i feel remorses for not giving him a chance and for not believing tings would get better. he tried as much as he could. i didnt want to try. i expected the absolute love, but i dont think that's realistic. and it hurts now. it hurts a lot.

 

#3

is someone i have a crush on at work. i usually fall asleep thinking of him. and i usually want to bang my head on a wall since he's taken. but you see, his mere presence has an unexplainable effect on me. it could be just good old-fashioned lust. which is still very unique because i don't get this reaction about people often. i want him badly and at the same time i don't want to have him. i want to stop thinking of him but i can't. i see him everyday. sometimes i wish he would leave the woman he's with and start dating me. other times im relieved he's taken because im not sure i could handle the discomfort of being involved. i dont know if he likes me. sometimes he seems to be very attracted, other times im not so sure. i doesnt make a difference anyway. i dont even know why im thinking of him so much. it's not like i know him that well. it almost feels compulsive.

 

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and why am i writing all this down?

 

i just want to feel calm again.

 

you can say to me "you need t be alone for a while"... and it's a valid point. but i AM alone. i am very alone in my everyday life. it's these ideas and thoughts that are now planted in my head that won;t give me peace. thoughts about me not letting myself love people fully and not believing that people love me until it's too late. it's easy to say "learn how to love and how to trust". i want to learn that too. but i have no idea how.

 

any life experience and advice would be much appreciated. even though im not so young i feel like a noob and a huge, huge mess

Edited April 19, 2017 by just_dont

[Telemachus]

"i just want to feel calm again."

 

You're alive and have an active mine and strong feelings; you're the agent of your own destiny. I'd never trade that for calm, numb, or dead.

 

Relish this theater of the mind. In time, all three of these will be completely or mostly out of mind, replaced by other delightful and fanciful thoughts.

 

Whatever a noob is, you're a good one.

[mikeylo]

You are not alone. You are giving head space to 3 unsuitable guys. Get single again. Date yourself for a while.