Was my ex abusive? Was it my fault?

[nowhereboy]

< previous thread for context: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/615046-my-story >

 

I'll save you all the long story and just bullet point some things that were a pattern in my previous relationship. Let me start by saying I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes, I can be argumentative but I have never shouted, swore or raised a hand to my ex. I seemed to push my ex's buttons sometimes and don't know when to drop things, I have a tendency to talk and talk if I feel like I'm being treated incorrectly and that only ever served to make things much worse.

 

Anyway here's some common thing's that my ex would do in the relationship.

 

Silent treatment/stonewalling - not telling me what the problem is and being angry at me for not knowing

 

Threatened with being broken up with countless times

 

Locked out of the house, made to sleep on the couch etc

 

Name calling - anything seemed acceptable. F*ck off, Dickhead, pathetic, crazy, freak etc. I was once so upset at the shouting and name calling I slumped into a heap onto the floor crying when I was then told I'm pathetic, not a man, a little boy etc

 

Threatened with violence

 

Told I'll never meet anyone decent like her again

 

Told "get out my life then" if I tried to explain she was hurting me

 

She would often tell me that I'm abusive

 

I'd find myself apologising and not even knowing what for to avoid conflict.

 

Looking over this list I actually feel a bit daft for even asking, it certainly looks abusive when reading over it. It's crazy making because this woman was so adamant it was my fault, so 100% sure I was too blame, she eventually dumped me and I've left the relationship believing it's my fault. She would often end up crying with frustration and saying something like "how can't you see it? You're the problem, I have never been like this in my whole life, you have drove me to this etc"

 

I always felt like we only ever argued if she was in a bad mood, she would say I'm far too sensitive and need to man up. I felt like I couldn't win if she was stressed out, if I gave space I was creating an "atmosphere" If I asked what was wrong a few times I was "trying to wind her up" and not respecting her needs etc.

 

The whole thing just felt impossible sometimes.

Edited April 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added link to background thread ~6

[GorillaTheater]

Sure looks abusive to me. If you're doubting whether she was, then I'd say that either the toxic relationship screwed up your thinking, or that you brought some unhealthy ideas into the relationship in the first place. Either way, it's okay; it happens. Give yourself some time, figure out which one it is, and if need be address your issues. And congrats on not having this woman in your life any more.

[nowhereboy]

Thanks for the reply!

 

I have copied and pasted this from another thread but I feel it's relevant.

 

One of the first times I can remember when we started having big arguments out of nothing came from a simple shopping trip.

 

I asked her to help me pick something. She pointed out a section of clothes and I didn't like them much, told her "nah they are too trendy for me" and she straight out flipped at me, said why bother asking for my help if you aren't going to listen, she said I was being disrespectful, told me I snapped at her and looked at her horribly. I 100% don't recall being disrespectful or nasty but she then stormed off and left me looking for her for the next half an hour and not answering her phone. When I finally found her she wanted an apology for the way I acted. She was so convinced I had acted badly I figured she must have been right so I said sorry and forgot about it.

 

This pattern went on and on, I'd inadvertently upset her and it would become a big problem. I would then try to explain that her acting out was causing us both to loose sight of what the original issue was and that if she could learn to respectfully tell me if I have upset her over something I would be very happy to try and understand her issue. She would use this when saying I'm abusive, that I'm "blaming" her for the arguments and trying to control her behaviour etc.

 

All I was ever asking for was respect.

[nowhereboy]

I'm very interested to understand what would cause this kind of behaviour in somebody.

 

I often felt like my ex would perceive all sorts of minor things as big insults, I genuinely don't think she was deliberately trying to cause problems or be abusive. She just seemed to struggle with any form of negativity or perceived criticism and would go on the defensive, almost trying to hurt me before I could hurt her.

 

It was heart breaking because I loved her to bits and she just couldn't see it.

 

I kept telling her, I'm not the enemy, I love you and will always care for you, yet she seemed to be so convinced I was out to get her.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm very interested to understand what would cause this kind of behaviour in somebody.

 

 

Terms like "Borderline Personality Disorder" get thrown around quite a bit, maybe too much. Maybe that's it and maybe it's not. I'm no professional, and for my part it suffices to simply say that she's f*cked up.

[nowhereboy]

I would have posted this in my other thread but that's been locked for some reason?

 

Anyway I posted not long ago about her making contact saying she hopes I had a nice Easter, I replied saying the same back.

 

She just made contact again asking when I start my job working away and saying she thinks we should talk about money before I go (as mentioned in another thread she owes me money). I replied and told her when I start my new role and told her we should probably talk about it over the phone rather than text as it will be easier, I also told her it couldn't be today as I'm busy.

She replied saying "ok we can talk whenever then", which came across as a little short. I was working when she sent the message and didn't think much of it but she sent another text shortly after saying something along the lines of "I'm off all weekend so you could just pop over mine if you'd prefer to do that?"

 

Now this message has really got me thinking, obviously it's not necessary to meet and especially not at her house, we could say all we need to over the phone.

 

Obviously non of you guys are mind readers, it's impossible to know what she's thinking but I can't help but feel like there is a little more to what's going on here than what meets the eye.

 

Thoughts?

[Zahara]

I can't help but feel like there is a little more to what's going on here than what meets the eye.

 

Thoughts?

 

What does it matter? You created a thread about the likelihood of abuse by this woman and yet you still sit there and invest energy and emotion in this woman.

 

When you do you create a boundary for yourself? It doesn't matter what goes on in that dysfunctional head of hers except for you to get your money and move on. Someone that treated you that way doesn't need analyzing.

 

If anything you should forget about the money and move on. This is just another lifeline that both of you are likely holding onto for some toxic reason.

[Maldives]

< previous thread for context: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/615046-my-story >

 

I'll save you all the long story and just bullet point some things that were a pattern in my previous relationship. Let me start by saying I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes, I can be argumentative but I have never shouted, swore or raised a hand to my ex. I seemed to push my ex's buttons sometimes and don't know when to drop things, I have a tendency to talk and talk if I feel like I'm being treated incorrectly and that only ever served to make things much worse.

 

Anyway here's some common thing's that my ex would do in the relationship.

 

Silent treatment/stonewalling - not telling me what the problem is and being angry at me for not knowing

 

Threatened with being broken up with countless times

 

Locked out of the house, made to sleep on the couch etc

 

Name calling - anything seemed acceptable. F*ck off, Dickhead, pathetic, crazy, freak etc. I was once so upset at the shouting and name calling I slumped into a heap onto the floor crying when I was then told I'm pathetic, not a man, a little boy etc

 

Threatened with violence

 

Told I'll never meet anyone decent like her again

 

Told "get out my life then" if I tried to explain she was hurting me

 

She would often tell me that I'm abusive

 

I'd find myself apologising and not even knowing what for to avoid conflict.

 

Looking over this list I actually feel a bit daft for even asking, it certainly looks abusive when reading over it. It's crazy making because this woman was so adamant it was my fault, so 100% sure I was too blame, she eventually dumped me and I've left the relationship believing it's my fault. She would often end up crying with frustration and saying something like "how can't you see it? You're the problem, I have never been like this in my whole life, you have drove me to this etc"

 

I always felt like we only ever argued if she was in a bad mood, she would say I'm far too sensitive and need to man up. I felt like I couldn't win if she was stressed out, if I gave space I was creating an "atmosphere" If I asked what was wrong a few times I was "trying to wind her up" and not respecting her needs etc.

 

The whole thing just felt impossible sometimes.

 

 

She's got what u call anger issues. Where does it come from? Deep within. Meaning she gets set off at the slightest thing. Also the thing to consider if she goes off like that at u means she has n9 respect for u. I'm sure her anger is tempered if she admires someone or looks up to someone it's as simple as that no respect probably because ur the complete opposite to her it increases her confidence to lash out at u

[nowhereboy]

Thanks for the replies!

 

Could a mod please delete this thread if possible. I feel I've disclosed a bit too much personal info.

[MissLaura]

What you've just described sounds exactly like my ex boyfriend. He'd constantly go in moods, swear at me, call me all the names under the sun, threaten to block me, threaten to break up and everything.

In the end, he broke up with me due to arguing too much, but he blamed my anxiety, and depression. He used to walk all over me, and I did everything for him, includes always going to his house, and things like that really.

We stayed friends after the break up, but I was constantly on edge around him, and he made my mental health worse. He then turned and called me fat ect, and that hurt me the most, more than anything he's ever called me. Anyway, we went down hill. Then he asked to meet me for a drink, and started saying he misses me, and I miss him, and I don't know why.:/

But anyway, he got a new girlfriend the next day, and he's still with her, a week down the line. All I can say is she needs a **** load of luck.

 

Yeah, what you're saying sounds exactly like my ex, and in all honesty, it wasn't your fault. She's obviously just troubled, or something. But don't let her blame you for it. She'll never be happy either as she'd just drive everyone away in the end. Don't let her get you down. She isn't worth it, just as I've realised today, my ex isn't worth it, so I blocked him on everything.(:

It's a step forward anyway. And tbh, we both deserve better. Keep your head held high, and focus on yourself.(: