Wookin Pa Nub Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 I can't say I have heard of any stories in recent years where a spouse left a "dear john/jane" letter. I think the last I've hear of it was the old 80s NBC sitcom "Dear John". I admit I am scared. I don't express my thoughts well. My wife can be intimidating (she could be on the national debate team). I want to say what I need to say without screwing it up. I've drafted a short and to the point letter telling her I want a divorce. At the end I ask her to let me know when and where she would like to discuss. Any other tips? Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 Do you really need to discuss it with her...if she's overbearing which is how i took your description, just tell her you're filing for divorce, move out and let her know who your legal rep is and that all communication should go through them. This way, you're not bullied (if that's the case) and don't have to defend your direction on this matter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 I'm assuming you are already separated. She surely has an idea that the marriage is over. Are you seriously frightened that she'll successfully bully you into remaining in a marriage that neither one of you wants? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 IMO better to file and have the sheriff serve her, preferably at work. Heh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted April 19, 2017 Author Share Posted April 19, 2017 Do you really need to discuss it with her...if she's overbearing which is how i took your description, just tell her you're filing for divorce, move out and let her know who your legal rep is and that all communication should go through them. This way, you're not bullied (if that's the case) and don't have to defend your direction on this matter. She is the bullying type. I think after 17 years of marriage I should give her the opportunity to discuss but I am firm in my decision. We have two teen age kids too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted April 19, 2017 Author Share Posted April 19, 2017 (edited) I'm assuming you are already separated. She surely has an idea that the marriage is over. Are you seriously frightened that she'll successfully bully you into remaining in a marriage that neither one of you wants? We are not separated. We've struggled for about a year but bc I hate confrontation I would try to smooth everything over and placate her. On several occasions she has said I am going to leaver her but that was bc she was upset about her weight. Unfortunately this may come as a surprise to her. I do not have a place to live lined up yet. I guess hotel for a few cooling off days then return home until I find apartment. Edited April 19, 2017 by Wookin Pa Nub Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 A letter is not that unusual. I've seen other unconventional ways that would surprise you. If it is the best way for you to get your thoughts across, go for it, but you will have to confront her some time, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted April 19, 2017 Author Share Posted April 19, 2017 A letter is not that unusual. I've seen other unconventional ways that would surprise you. If it is the best way for you to get your thoughts across, go for it, but you will have to confront her some time, no? Considering she lives for confrontation, yes. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 Can't you just have the divorce papers served to her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted April 19, 2017 Author Share Posted April 19, 2017 Can't you just have the divorce papers served to her? I am not that far along in the process. I haven't talked to an attorney yet. I just want to inform her of my decision to divorce. We still live together. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 Why even tell her until you are ready? Don't give her the time to bully you. When you are ready, get a lawyer, file, move out. Cleaner, simpler, less potential conflict. Nothing is gained by giving her notice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SoulCat Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 Man up for god sake and tell her to her face. You're a grown-ass man and divorce is a grown up decision. Face it head on. Like a grown up. Doing it by a letter is spineless, cowardly and lame after 17 years of marriage. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 Man up for god sake and tell her to her face. You're a grown-ass man and divorce is a grown up decision. Face it head on. Like a grown up. Doing it by a letter is spineless, cowardly and lame after 17 years of marriage. This this this 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted April 20, 2017 Author Share Posted April 20, 2017 Man up for god sake and tell her to her face. You're a grown-ass man and divorce is a grown up decision. Face it head on. Like a grown up. Doing it by a letter is spineless, cowardly and lame after 17 years of marriage. Point taken, I am just not good with words and I want to get my view across. My wife tends to dominate conversations. Maybe I can tell her in a few words, give her the letter and leave? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted April 20, 2017 Author Share Posted April 20, 2017 A letter is not that unusual. I've seen other unconventional ways that would surprise you. If it is the best way for you to get your thoughts across, go for it, but you will have to confront her some time, no? What other unconventional ways have you seen? Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 Point taken, I am just not good with words and I want to get my view across. My wife tends to dominate conversations. Maybe I can tell her in a few words, give her the letter and leave? I agree that you should talk to her first and then give her the letter in person. You have been married for 17 years and have 2 kids together, and you are in civil terms. She does deserve to hear it in person. It sounds like you have built up lots of resentment throughout the marriage, partly due to your conflict avoidant nature. I also encourage you to first talk to a lawyer first, regarding what you will be getting (custody and finance, etc.) in case of a divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 Point taken, I am just not good with words and I want to get my view across. My wife tends to dominate conversations. Maybe I can tell her in a few words, give her the letter and leave? If you have trouble talking, it might be a good idea to write things down first, yeah. Either have something written as notes to refer to (this can help you keep bringing it back to the point if she keeps trying to distract you and drag the conversation elsewhere) or to give her a letter. But unless you fear for your safety, I wouldn't recommend giving her the letter and completely leaving immediately. Better, I'd say, to give her the letter and tell her you're going to give her space to read it, then withdraw to another room or leave the house for a few hours, then come back to let her ask questions and have you confirm that yes, this is really what you want. A bit of alone-time will encourage her to actually pay attention to what you've said in the letter and let it sink in, rather than getting into a desperate screaming match. It will give her a chance for her immediate reaction to burn off a little. But just handing her a letter and running away.... looks like running away. Come back and calmly reiterate what you've said and that you mean it. Of course, you know her better than I do, and if you think she really will escalate into throwing things and attacking you, then retreat makes sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 I have a good friend who used to complain to me about her marriage issues. When I encouraged her to talk over the issues with her husband, she would say she's conflict avoidant and she'd rather not do that. Like you, she has built up resentment over the years. But divorce has never crossed her mind, as that is one of the biggest conflicts to deal with in life. May I ask what gave you the motivation to go ahead with the divorce, given your self-described conflict avoidant nature? Did you meet another woman (I saw that you were trying to rekindle with your college love in your other thread)? Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 I don't understand all this talk about getting your point across. Get an apartment and pack your bag. Have a lawyer. Tell your wife that you are moving out and will be filing for divorce. Do not engage in discussions at this time, just go. Divorce takes some time and you will have plenty of opportunities to air all of your grievances if this is important to you. If your real goal is to organize things so you can proceed with divorce, this is the way to do it. Writing letters to express your "points" etc. sounds like you are still in some kind of power struggle that you are trying to "win." 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 Perfect time to fix yourself. From what you've posted your conflict avoidance, Mr Nice Guy weakness will not bode well in any future relationship. If you want to have one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted April 20, 2017 Author Share Posted April 20, 2017 May I ask what gave you the motivation to go ahead with the divorce, given your self-described conflict avoidant nature? Did you meet another woman (I saw that you were trying to rekindle with your college love in your other thread)? Short answer I have never been happy in my marriage. I had doubts before marriage but was too scared of unknown. I had doubts early on but with kids, had concerns about them and the unknown. Ive been on auto-pilot for many years pretending to love my wife. The last year has been especially hard. I recently reconnected with my ex gf. She was in a bad marriage for many years and she said it was super difficult but she asked for divorce. We share many similarities. She said she had to eventually put her own happiness over others. I think I need to do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 Short answer I have never been happy in my marriage. I had doubts before marriage but was too scared of unknown. I had doubts early on but with kids, had concerns about them and the unknown. Ive been on auto-pilot for many years pretending to love my wife. You owe it to your wife as well as yourself to move on. It would be hell to be in a marriage with a person who was pretending to love you and wasn't even sure they wanted to be married in the first place. I'm not surprised that your marriage is weak. Stop the bleeding for both of your sakes, man. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 I recently reconnected with my ex gf. Wookin Pa Nub, I can't speak for all BS but, when DDay occurs, many of us could be described as "confrontational". When this all comes out (and it will), not sure your plan to live together at home will be realistic... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 So now that you are calling your college sweetheart your girlfriend - I have to wonder how the divorce announcement went? Did you man up and tell her that you are leaving? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts