Sentimental about ex girlfriend, who I dumped

[somanymistakes]

She treated you as a friend and emotional support because that's all you were, because you broke up with her.

 

I mean, you feel what you feel, if you're angry you're angry, but from an outside perspective it seems unfair to be angry at her for not abiding by relationship rules when you were no longer in a relationship.

[Toby77]

If what you insist is true, then you are actually the DUMPEE here. You are a victim of what I call the forced-dump. You ended it because you knew she wasn't going to try.

 

 

If that is the case, you should have followed dumpee protocol. Immediate NC and possibly only respond when you got respectful contact from her but never initiate contact.

 

 

Unfortunately in your case but, you can't play the VICTIM card that can work for some dumpees to heal and get some power back. Because you actually had the guts to end it yourself and you also admit saying some nasty things to.

 

 

The lesson you may have learned here is that ACTING never works. If deep down you wanted the relationship to continue and weren't 100 precent confident you could move on without too much fuss, maybe instigating the BU wasn't the best idea.

 

 

Although I admire your guts for ending something that was below your acceptable standards. I think when you really love someone, sometimes you just have to let them end it. You might lose some self-respect but you can feel relief by not ACTING or making decisions you not even happy with.

 

 

You can't have your cake and eat it. By instigating the BU you increased your self-worth, dignity and self-respect. That is all great. But now you want to play the victim card and say how she should act post BU. That is not how life works. Everything is a trade-off. You chose one way. Another person would choose another way.

Of course that's not how life works. I started this thread because I was looking for answers, felt like s--- for how it all ended and didn't understand her behaviour. I know I should have gone NC right away, big mistake on my part. I'm not looking for sympathy either, I just want to understand who I was with for four years.

 

I was naive as I believed that she would be honest. I was also overconfident because she had always been so in love with me.

 

I'm just saying that, as a decent person, she SHOULD have told me about the new guy. Turns out she's not that.

 

I didn't know she wasn't going to try, so I wouldn't go so far as saying I'm a forced dumper. I didn't mean to act either. It was just that I couldn't tolerate certain things and she knew how I felt about them. She did everything to stay in touch for three months, including texting my sister to complain about how I was being cold and mean (I did go NC for a couple of weeks in the three month period). She even claimed she had problems eating and sleeping because of the breakup and seemed sad and desperate.

 

I never initiated contact, I was just too weak to go NC because I loved her and I never thought she would be dishonest, so I kept answering when she called me and was there for her.

 

I know, initiating BU was a terrible idea, the communication sucked at the end because of fear and pride on both (I believe) sides, idiotic.

 

I know I wasn't the best boyfriend and I have learned much from this. Still, I can't understand her behaviour and her reactions. Did I force her out of the relationship by being a rigid hard case and is she now angry at me and tells me all those things (as mentioned in my first post) because she still has feelings and wants to forget me, or did she just hang around for some other reason until she could get with the other guy and now genuinely resents me?

 

Sometimes I think that she just acted a certain way to please me and then, when the infatuation wore of, she showed me her real self. That would be a sad realization but maybe it's better for my healing in the long run. The alternative, that I blew it because of my stubborness and that she really loved me, is maybe even more sad and it'll be hard to forgive myself.

[Toby77]

She treated you as a friend and emotional support because that's all you were, because you broke up with her.

 

I mean, you feel what you feel, if you're angry you're angry, but from an outside perspective it seems unfair to be angry at her for not abiding by relationship rules when you were no longer in a relationship.

Rules? I'm not presenting a case in court here. For me it's about understanding, not about who is right or wrong or that I want strangers online to say I'm a soldier of morals. Who make up those rules? Who says it's OK to lie to people you're not in a relationship with? That's another rule, right? It especially applies for people you're close to. What does it matter if we were officially broken up or not?

 

She constantly contacted me, told me she loved me still and told me that she was suffering from the breakup. She knew that we couldn't continue unless certain things changed; she chose not to change, we both got emotional and parted ways. Later I learned about her new relationship and it shocked me and made me question everything.

[SpecialJ]

It takes less time than 4 years for the infatuation to wear off. She loved you, you hurt her, she kept in touch to test the reconciliation waters, possibly didn't understand people in general can't reconcile based on feelings alone and didn't know how to do the work, so since you weren't getting back together she instead moved on in spite of being incredibly hurt by the breakup. I'm not sure why you want to attribute ill intention to her for doing so, unless it's how you're trying to shift some of the responsibility away from yourself to help you cope. Which, to me, is what it sounds like.

 

I wouldn't say you blew anything if you were finding the relationship to have real incompatibilities you couldn't handle. If you communicated them to her, and she wasn't going to change them and you weren't going to change yourself, the relationship couldn't work out no matter how much you loved each other. That doesn't mean ending it was going to feel good for either of you, even if it was the right thing to do. She's likely vilified you in order to cope with her pain, as you're sort of trying to do now to her. Doesn't mean you never knew her at all.

 

It does mean that you need to figure out what you want from her and communicate it, or to let it go as a life experience and accept you may never be in contact again. Maybe she'll forgive you for breaking up one day and will reach out. Maybe this is bothering you so much because you thought you were for sure done and now are realizing it wasn't what you wanted after all. No one can tell the future, and you both have a right to feel the feelings you have.

[Toby77]

It takes less time than 4 years for the infatuation to wear off. She loved you, you hurt her, she kept in touch to test the reconciliation waters, possibly didn't understand people in general can't reconcile based on feelings alone and didn't know how to do the work, so since you weren't getting back together she instead moved on in spite of being incredibly hurt by the breakup. I'm not sure why you want to attribute ill intention to her for doing so, unless it's how you're trying to shift some of the responsibility away from yourself to help you cope. Which, to me, is what it sounds like.

 

I wouldn't say you blew anything if you were finding the relationship to have real incompatibilities you couldn't handle. If you communicated them to her, and she wasn't going to change them and you weren't going to change yourself, the relationship couldn't work out no matter how much you loved each other. That doesn't mean ending it was going to feel good for either of you, even if it was the right thing to do. She's likely vilified you in order to cope with her pain, as you're sort of trying to do now to her. Doesn't mean you never knew her at all.

 

It does mean that you need to figure out what you want from her and communicate it, or to let it go as a life experience and accept you may never be in contact again. Maybe she'll forgive you for breaking up one day and will reach out. Maybe this is bothering you so much because you thought you were for sure done and now are realizing it wasn't what you wanted after all. No one can tell the future, and you both have a right to feel the feelings you have.

Great points.

 

"Infatuation" maybe was the wrong word (English is not my first language, my apologies). I meant to say the feeling of "being in love". I know she loved that high, and because I could be a bit unavailable in that sense, she might have found me more interesting because of that.

 

Nope, I'm not trying to shift some of the responsibility away from myself. I've been very hard on myself, believe me. I just wonder if she ever loved me for real. I question the whole relationship now. That new relationship of hers sure has been proceeding fast. Also, I can't grasp how people can fall in love that easily. One minute she's desperate about our relationship falling apart and the next she's happy with this new guy and hates my guts. Look at me, a year after the breakup and I'm still messed up. I know we are all different in that sense but to me, it's superficial and hysterical behaviour to fall in love left and right.

 

There were some incompatibilities that I thought I couldn't handle, me having a "my way or the highway" attitude with her. In restrospect, I should have been more understanding, less critical and judgemental. Maybe it could have worked. That's why I'm pondering whether I blew it or not.

 

No, I can't communicate more. I've already contacted her against her wishes as I wanted to talk about what had happened. She lashed out and wants nothing to do with me. If one day she contacts me, that would be great and maybe we both can reach a less extreme understanding of what went down. For now, I'll have to file this one under bitter life experiences.

Edited April 24, 2017 by Toby77

[SpecialJ]

I wouldn't take this as she didn't love you and moved on quickly. An hour of anger after that much time has passed shows she's had just as much difficulty dealing with it as you, but she chose to handle it differently after deciding you wouldn't reconcile right away. It also might show there's too many hurt feelings to ever work it out (and maybe not, but definitely the case now and probably for as long as she's with this guy).

 

Some relationships start as rebounds, some of those then evolve into something real. You're not in her head and don't know. I certainly hide my pain from my exes after being dumped because I want to maintain some illusion of dignity. If you're not trying to reconcile, you should try to stop worrying about how she feels since there's nothing you can do for her right now and focus back on yourself. If you do still think you may want to try to reconcile, it sounds like you both need way more time to let go of the original failed relationship before there's any way of being in each other's lives again, if possible at all. If you truly care about what's best for her and not just for yourself, you also should want her to be happy and not try to complicate her current relationship. For now, it's probably best for you to silently wish her well and try to move on. She'll get back in touch if anything ever changes. Good luck!

[Toby77]

@SpecialJ Thanks man!

Edited April 24, 2017 by Toby77

[springy]

Although I have different thoughts about your analysis of her behavior, I get that this is your experience and your feelings and I'm sorry for your pain.

 

People often do things you would never have imagined after a breakup. So...take comfort in the fact that this experience is not unique to you. I've been through something similar. It's been almost 4 years ago now, he is still with that girl and they have a family. That relationship really did overlap ours (we were still together when they started talking) and it took off at lightening speed. It was tough going for a while, but I cut contact entirely; it was the best thing I could do for myself.

 

Anyway, best to not dwell on it any longer, you will NEVER figure it out. If you are following her life in any way at all cut that off or else you will continue to suffer.

[Toby77]

@springy

 

Yes, that call was the last contact, spot on your advice!

 

What are your thoughts about the analysis? If it's not to much trouble.

[springy]

I don't think she did anything wrong. She was a single lady. I don't doubt that her feelings for you were genuine but after being dumped, over time those feelings start to fade, or at least they should. You start meeting people and you realize there are options out there. Maybe she didn't intend to date this guy, but you broke up with her and left her out there, free for the taking. I think what you are suffering from is a bruised ego. You thought she would always be available to you.

 

It's okay to feel sentimental, remorseful, sad - but don't dwell on it. Ultimately it sounds like you just weren't compatible. As for all the lashing out, which I think is what really has you down right now - that would not have happened if you hadn't contacted her. Maybe you didn't know any better, so you had to learn the hard way. When you break up, you put it in the past. You get your stuff back (as quickly as possible) and vice versa. If you want to get back together you state that (well, I guess that would be the dumpee) one time. They say "no thanks" and that's it. NC. As a dumper you leave them alone to heal and get over you. Remember, you didn't want them...or you wouldn't have dumped them, eh? I'm sure you had your reasons. Remember that.

 

Evaluate your behavior throughout the relationship, but don't be too hard on yourself. Whatever flaws you see work on them. That's all you can do. Can't go back and change anything but you can look forward to being an improved partner in the future.

[Toby77]

@springy Thank you for posting!

 

My ego is not only bruised, it suffered a severe a**whooping. It's not that I thought she would always be available to me though. Had she told me about the new guy, I really believe that I would have taken it differently. It's how she went about it, in combination with regret for underestimating what she meant to me, that's driving me nuts.

 

Sure, she was a single woman, but I don't buy that just because I broke up, she was entitled to lie to me while calling me and acting like she loved me for three months. She knew I still had feelings for her. If the relationship doesn't work out, fine, but you don't lie to a person you claim that you still love. I was nothing but honest to her; as I've mentioned earlier, at times excessively so.

 

No, I didn't know better than to contact her. I thought someway we could talk as adults and discuss what had happened, but I was met with anger and resentment. Still, I really can't say I regret contacting her. She seemed to have a lot of things she wanted to get off her chest, so I reckon she had a need to talk as well, although she pretended she didn't.

 

The worst part is that I can't seem to remember nothing but what was good about her and the relationship. It's like the memories of all the frustrating moments, her bad sides and all the quarrels have vanished. I know it all happened but I don't feel it. I can't even feel angry at her for not being straight up. To her it's exactly the opposite, all that she remembers is how bad it all was and that hurts more than anything else.

Edited April 25, 2017 by Toby77

[springy]

@springy Thank you for posting!

 

Sure, she was a single woman, but I don't buy that just because I broke up, she was entitled to lie to me while calling me and acting like she loved me for three months. She knew I still had feelings for her. If the relationship doesn't work out, fine, but you don't lie to a person you claim that you still love. I was nothing but honest to her; as I've mentioned earlier, at times excessively so.

 

 

How did she lie to you? Do you have a timeline and details of her interaction with this guy? Do you know that it didn't start out as a friendly thing that grew into something else?

 

It just took her awhile to reach the angry phase. She has been with him for a bit and was able to compare and contrast the two relationships and see the differences. Sorry you got blasted, but calling up an ex who you know has moved on to someone else is not ever a good idea. The time to talk 'like adults' was long past. It seems you were fine being apart until you found out she was seeing someone else. This is a common reaction.

 

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You will get past this. Stay NC for good.

[Toby77]

Sorry you got blasted, but calling up an ex who you know has moved on to someone else is not ever a good idea.

 

Stay NC for good.

 

Yes, most def NC from now on. And yes, on paper an awful idea to call up an ex under those circumstances. I really don’t regret those two phone calls though; she obviously had things she wanted to get off her chest, so what that I seemed a little desperate and lost a bit of self-respect? She had been waiting for four years for me to show her more emotions, good for her. I was calm, didn’t say anything stupid, listened and got a little less to dwell on, which was good.

 

It seems you were fine being apart until you found out she was seeing someone else. This is a common reaction.

 

I know, a textbook example of not missing the well until the water runs dry. I wasn’t very fine with the breakup though, I thought about it a lot and never really wanted it. I was hoping for reconciliation the whole time up until our last argument before she went off and got with the new guy. But yes, relatively fine compared to later, can’t deny that.

 

How did she lie to you? Do you have a timeline and details of her interaction with this guy? Do you know that it didn't start out as a friendly thing that grew into something else?

 

Things had been so-so in the relationship for a few months because of some issues we had. In February of ’16 she went on a two-week work related trip abroad. They met there, but I have reason [other than wishful thinking] to believe that it was “only” emotional cheating.

 

We tried for another month but there were arguments and we didn’t see each other often. I then broke up but she continued to call and I let her because I’m a moron. Maybe we were both waiting for the other to change? It never occurred to me that she wouldn’t tell me about it, had she met someone else.

 

There was short period in April/May when I went NC after an argument. She tried to contact me using various excuses and I kept it very short. She also complained to my sister, later said she hadn’t been able to eat nor sleep, as I earlier stated. All this time, and she is talking to this guy on the other side of Europe, getting to know him.

 

In May, she sent me a long text that really moved me, saying that I was cold after all this time, that it had been both bad and wonderful being with me, etc. I broke NC and texted her back telling her that I had missed her too. She started calling again but now seemed more defensive towards the idea of reconciling, as we were feeling each other out. Things would be good for a couple of weeks then back to normal, she reasoned. She also told me that she was making another work-related trip to that same place as before. After another couple of weeks of her calling me every other day, she wanted to come over.

 

In late May, she came over. She at first said she was afraid to get back at square one of the healing process if anything physical happened between us and she didn’t want to spend the night. At the end, she did. Although I wouldn’t have guessed it in the moment, the experience to her perhaps was sub-par the next morning she was defensive again.

 

She continued to stay in touch regularly for another couple of weeks but it now started to bother me. I started to ignore her or be very short and we never got to reconcile. She knew how I felt about her calling me to wean herself off of me. Had I known about the other guy that she was talking to, that would have been the last interaction with her, she knew that.

 

We were both going abroad in June/July, one week apart. The day before I left, she called me various times. I first ignored the calls but answered after a text from her and we got into another big argument. I said some very hurtful things, unfortunately. I was very disappointed in her for calling me up until the very end when she knew what it would take to get back together and she wasn’t willing to step up, of course I didn't say it in those words. I felt used. I let her contact me all this time because I still wanted to be there for her and I was sure she was going to tell me if there was someone else. The communication was just so bad at the end; grown ups behaving like hurt kids and I’m disgusted by the whole thing.

 

In late July, I learned about the new guy by accident, after we both just had come back from our respective trips. I suddenly started to remember many things that she had insinuated during the last months. Still, when she saw I didn’t get whatever it was that she was trying to tell me, she should have been clear and made sure I got it. What can I say? I was naïve and overconfident, thought that we had a connection and wouldn't do that to one another.

 

I called her in August, as I felt regretful for driving her away as well as disappointed in her for not telling (=lying). She went off at me for almost an hour. A couple of weeks later I sent her a long, accusative and emotional text. Then, when I was feeling the most guilty and beating myself up about my ways, I sent a short apologetic text a month later. The successive and final interaction was the long phone-call a month ago.

 

It just took her awhile to reach the angry phase. She has been with him for a bit and was able to compare and contrast the two relationships and see the differences.

 

Since they live in different countries, she hasn’t really been with him that much yet. Last time we spoke, she insisted (without me asking) that she was going to move down there but I don’t believe that, for a short period maybe. He’s much younger than she is and I have reason to believe he’s playing her, or she’s willingly letting herself be played, for him to get a green card in Europe. Since I had insinuated that in the conversation prior, last time we spoke, again without me mentioning it, she got all defensive and explained how this wasn’t so.

 

 

@springy So, there it is. It’s like you said earlier, I’ll NEVER figure it out. I’m now NC since we last spoke and I’ll never contact her again.

[sandylee1]

She KNEW why I broke up and what it would take to get back together. I should've gone NC immediately after the breakup, lesson learned.

 

Sounds like you wanted her to do the running at this point and that you felt the issue was with her.

 

It really doesn't matter if you still loved her when you dumped her. You still dumped her.

 

You had intentions of getting back with her, that only you knew and TBH, she probably decided to be with someone who accepted her as she was.

 

We all have faults and imperfections. Hers were enough to for you to end the relationship over... Even though you still loved her.

 

In her shoes, I might have hung around too, to see if you'd change your mind. When after 3 months nothing was happening, then I'd move on.

 

You have to know, that she's not in your mind. She may not have believed you still loved her, even if you said it, because some people believe that if you really loved someone, you wouldn't dump them.

 

You're entitled to feel as you do, but I think above all your ego is bruised here.

[sandylee1]

@Toby77, have you considered that she felt used in those 3 months as well?

 

From her perspective, she gets dumped, but her Ex (you), is happy to hang out with her as a friend... No more. No initiation or talk of reconciliation.

 

If I was a woman in that position, I'd be thinking "I'm wasting my time here." "He doesn't want me and I'm making a fool of myself hanging around hoping".

 

That's why total NC is better when you break up, but still love the person you dumped or who dumped you.

[Bromeo]

Sandy makes a good point. My ex did roughly the same. After she left me in July, I hung around until November, and then when she trashed me, I moved on. Then she wanted to reach out and still play games to keep me hoping.

 

Toby, let this lady go. You already did once. She doesn't owe you anything.

[Toby77]

@sandylee1: Thank you, great points!

 

No, I never considered that she felt used in that period. Why would she call me numerous times the day before I left, knowing that the week after that she was leaving to, to someone who was waiing for her and with whom she had been speaking and setting it up for three months? How fast can one go from loving one person to loving the next?

 

I don't know, If I was interested in a woman and wanted to pursue her, I would never call an ex who broke up with me, up until hours before me and the ex were about to go our seperate ways, especially not if I felt that I had humiliated myself wasting my time calling for three months after the breakup. Did she need some final validation before we went on our respective trips (like "I don't want you and I'm moving on to someone else, but I'd love for you to show me that you want me before we say goodbye. And oh, please let's say goodbye on a good note")? I just don't get it. When I asked her, last time we spoke, she said that she in the beginning wanted to see how it played out, if I was going to change, but that she at the end wanted to remain friends. Friends? How can one remain friends after a betrayal like that?

 

Yes, I loved her but, out of princinple, some things I just couldn't tolerate. I did feel the issue was with her.

 

It's not ALL about bruised ego. As it happened, yesterday I saw her two kids (aged 9 och 10) with their dad, almost a year to the day since I saw them last time. They all live in the same part of town that my gym is located at. They were entering the subway as I was exiting but they didn't see me and I didn't want them to see me because I'm not in their life anymore. Aouch! That stung! I've been missing them as much as her, if not more. My ex and her ex share custody and the kids stay with her every other week. The weeks when the kids were at their dad's, my ex used to stay at my place. When she had them, I used to come visit a couple of times a week, stayed over. I should have married her or at least moved in together after almost four years (!) but I was reluctant to do so. Again, not because I didn't love her. I also loved the kids and they loved me.

 

The kids are also a reason I'm confident she's BS-ing when she says she's moving down there to live with the new guy. She wanted to get married real bad, hated being a single mother every other week, but I believe a person can't depend on another person to feel "whole". Had she shown that she was a more stable person, I would definitely have married her and gladly been a stepdad to her kids.

[Toby77]

Sandy makes a good point. My ex did roughly the same. After she left me in July, I hung around until November, and then when she trashed me, I moved on. Then she wanted to reach out and still play games to keep me hoping.

 

Toby, let this lady go. You already did once. She doesn't owe you anything.

@Bromeo: Yes, "roughly the same", but you didn't have another woman lined up while you were hanging around, did you?

 

I never reached out to keep her hoping. I reached out after I had found out about the new guy, and by then I had already dismissed the idea of reconciliation. The reason I reached out was to get closure.

 

Breaking up because of incompatibilities is one thing, but emotionally cheat and s*** all over what was "us"?

Edited April 28, 2017 by Toby77

[sandylee1]

She may well have hung on till the last minute to see if you'd change your mind. That's definitely a possibility.

 

The thing is that you have to sure about things, if the relationship was to move forward or towards marriage. You saw things you didn't like from her side and you did the right thing by raising those issues.

 

I guess sometimes in spite of problems, we still love the other person and internally feel that, if they love you too, they would address the issues and make the necessary changes.

 

The likelihood is that, those issues were her natural self and she didn't want to change.

 

I deliver marriage preparation training to engaged couples and one of the things we say, is that in committing to marriage, you are taking your fiancé /fiancée as they are.

 

Not hoping they'll change or intending to get them round to your way of thinking.

 

I know you feel or felt hurt by it and but take it as an opportunity to meet someone new, without the additional baggage of children from a previous relationship.

 

I know you said you got along with them, but step children can often present additional challenges to a relationship.

[Toby77]

She may well have hung on till the last minute to see if you'd change your mind. That's definitely a possibility.

 

If that was the case, then the whole thing is even more sad as we lost each other because of bad communication, not because we didn't love each other anymore. I guess she would never admit it after the fact, right? When I later asked her if she had been open to reconcilation at the very end, she said no. If she's honest about that, then she had other selfish and infantile reasons to bug me up until the last minute. In that case, I reckon I dodged a bullet and shouldn't blame myself for anything. It's a comforting thought [that she wasn't worth it anyway] but at the same time not as it ruins the memory of the relationship. I've never been able to convince myself of things I deep down didn't believe were true.

 

It seems so wierd though, loving one person but, when one realizes it doesn't work out, make a U-turn and immediately get into a relationship with somebody else. It seems even more wierd that she would want to keep me as a friend if she didn't love me anymore. If there's a new love interest, doesn't one generally want to cut all ties to the former lover as soon as possible? As described earlier, it's not like I did anything to keep her hanging on.

 

I guess sometimes in spite of problems, we still love the other person and internally feel that, if they love you too, they would address the issues and make the necessary changes.

 

The likelihood is that, those issues were her natural self and she didn't want to change.

 

...in committing to marriage, you are taking your fiancé /fiancée as they are.

 

Not hoping they'll change or intending to get them round to your way of thinking.

 

I hear that! I was just too tough on her, uncompromising and stiff-necked. I believed that I was offering her constructive criticism, should have gone about it in a different way and she actually might have seen that I had a point and would've had an incentive to change.

 

...step children can often present additional challenges to a relationship.

 

That's exactly how I reasoned! I saw a lot of potential problems and wasn't getting myself into a situation like that without a greater reassurance. At the same time, I loved them and now keep second-guessing myself.

 

 

@sandylee1: Thank you for some great insights!

[sandylee1]

If that was the case, then the whole thing is even more sad as we lost each other because of bad communication, not because we didn't love each other anymore. I guess she would never admit it after the fact, right?

 

 

Not a chance. But you dumped her and still loved her, do you think she immediately stopped loving you when you ended it? Did you tell her that even though you were ending it you still loved her? Communcation (or the lack of it), is the reason most couples end up in relationship counselling.

 

 

When I later asked her if she had been open to reconcilation at the very end, she said no.

 

 

That's pride talking. I'd probably do the same even if I still loved the person. Remember she was the dumpee.

 

 

If she's honest about that, then she had other selfish and infantile reasons to bug me up until the last minute. In that case, I reckon I dodged a bullet and shouldn't blame myself for anything. It's a comforting thought [that she wasn't worth it anyway] but at the same time not as it ruins the memory of the relationship. I've never been able to convince myself of things I deep down didn't believe were true.

 

 

Toby, stick with the good memories and move to the thinking that this just wasn't meant to be, for whatever reason. It could be a matter of timing, it could be down to incompatibility. Sometimes you really like a person, but you're so inherently different, that it's not going to work the problems arise when you try and force it.

 

It seems so wierd though, loving one person but, when one realizes it doesn't work out, make a U-turn and immediately get into a relationship with somebody else.

 

 

It's an ego boost to her and it's a distraction from thinking about you. when you get dumped, You sometimes want to convince yourself you've still got it. That are desirable to other men/women. It kind of dents your confidence being dumped, but people will put on a brace face.

 

 

I have an Ex who dumped me and my reaction was to just stop talking to him. I felt hurt and got with someone else pretty quickly afterwards....and I wanted him to know that I was with someone else.

 

 

It seems even more wierd that she would want to keep me as a friend if she didn't love me anymore. If there's a new love interest, doesn't one generally want to cut all ties to the former lover as soon as possible?

 

 

I would, but not everyone would think that way.

 

 

As described earlier, it's not like I did anything to keep her hanging on.

 

And that's from your perspective. You'd be surprised how the slightest thing, can give you a glimmer of hope when you're desperate.

 

 

I hear that! I was just too tough on her, uncompromising and stiff-necked. I believed that I was offering her constructive criticism, should have gone about it in a different way and she actually might have seen that I had a point and would've had an incentive to change.

 

Self reflection is very good for your development and will help you in future relationships. You know that most times, it's not about what we say, but how we say it....our tome and body language. A helpful tip, is to act like you're the recipient of the message and see how you'd feel if it was said to you.

 

 

@sandylee1: Thank you for some great insights!

 

Your welcome.

 

 

I think settling on 'it wasn't meant to be', but the good times were good is best.

 

 

Love is so complicated at time eh.

[Toby77]

@sandylee1: It all makes sense what you say. The golden rule, keep forgetting that one

Edited April 30, 2017 by Toby77

[Toby77]

I think settling on 'it wasn't meant to be', but the good times were good is best.

 

I've been thinking. Yes, settling on an explanation is what it has been all about since I found out about the new guy. I'd love to file the whole thing under "It wasn't meant to be". However, I can't help but leaning towards her only wanting a reaction, emotional support and validation out of me before going abroad to get with the new guy + she didn't want to feel dumped. She did choose him at the end of the day, no one put a gun to her head.

 

As far as her anger is concerned, she was probably angry for staying so long and she now regrets the relationship and can't understand what she saw in me in the first place. Isn't this typical behavior of people who easily fall in love? It's not like she had any nuanced or positive things to say about her other exes and I bet she was madly in love with them too, although she loved me "more than she ever loved anyone" (right?)

 

Thank you everyone who posted in this thread! I knew I would have to count on taking some heat considering the nature of the content (the title of the thread could easily have read "Self-absorbed dumper is regretful and needs to know whether the dumpee still has feelings for him or not"), but your analyses have been very helpful, much obliged!

 

I miss her and the kids like crazy, sentimental fool. It's all about nostalgia, isn't it?

 

To all the first-time unwilling dumpers out there: Stay NC and don't feel sorry for them! Don't break NC until the reasons for dumping no longer exist!