Emotionally absent partner

[TammyG]

I really don't even know where to start. Anyone reading this will think that I'm either making things up or that I must be completely crazy, which at this point, I just might be.

I am 47, my husband is 49. We have been married for 22 years. In the past eight or nine years, my husband has regressed to a petulant, lazy teenager. I wish I was exaggerating or joking.

 

In the past, he developed a drinking problem, since resolved. He had an emotional fling (related to the drinking) since past. He has had more jobs than I can count. Now, he just is. He blew off our family vacation last January (2 days prior). He does not cook. He does not clean. He does not shop. He does not work on projects around the house. He does not do anything related to paying the bills, socializing, helping our kids get things done. He simply does nothing. In the past three weeks, the only things that he actually needed to do were to take our daughter for a state ID, and take our son to the dentist. He did neither (multiple excuses, including blaming the kids, who are teenagers).

 

A typical work day is as follows: wake up at 9:45. Go to the bathroom and smoke some pot. Leave for work at 10. Work from 11 till 4. Get home at 5. Shower, and slink away to the basement to play video games until 3 a.m. Repeat.

 

A day off has the only variation of him not going to work. He gets out of bed, goes to the bathroom. Grabs some coffee. And goes downstairs to play. All day. He won't even eat. If the food isn't cooked, he just doesn't eat. He is a diabetic. He has not checked his sugar in over 3 months. He has not taken his insulin in nearly as long. His glasses have been broken for almost a year. He won't even get on the phone and make an appointment, so he simply can't see anything up close.

 

He had today off. He did not even make the bed when he got out of it at 11 a.m. The only thing he ate today were two cup o' noodles, I, on the other hand, worked today. I am a nurse. I came home after 10 hours. Not only was dinner not made, but nothing was planned or even taken out of the freezer. His attitude? I just ate. As an aside, the man is a trained chef. It's not like he doesn't know how to get in the kitchen.

 

When I came home today, I had to ask him, you do and participate and absolutely nothing. Do you have any plans at all? He said no. I asked him, do you really plan to just sit here and do nothing for the next 30 Years? His response was, "why do you have to come home and break my balls? Honestly, no, I have no plans at all." It sounds like he's depressed, but if you ask him, he simply says no, I just don't give a f*** anymore. Essentially, he has already accomplished more than he thought he was going to, so therefore, he doesn't need to do anything else. Although he works full-time, it is several steps back from what he used to do, but his attitude is, "I have a job".

 

He contributes about $400 a week maximum to our bills. Tons of things at our house are falling apart, but he doesn't do anything to fix them, and doesn't contribute enough financially for me to get them fixed. I literally have a hole in my front step, right in front of the door, that a man can fall through.

 

Add to this, his diabetes has rendered our sex life non-existent. And yes, I do mean non-existent. We haven't had any type of sexual contact in over a year. I couldn't even tell you the last time we kissed. Reading this, would you want to anyway?

 

By now, everyone is either screaming in their heads, "she's full of s***", or "divorce him!"

So here's the rub: first, I belong to a faith that does not condone divorce except for infidelity. Even if that were not the case, if I chose to divorce him, he would fight me for every single thing (in his mind, since he did the repairs when we first bought the house 17 years ago, he is the only reason we have a house). So it would be an exorbitantly expensive divorce, which we simply don't have the financial means for.

 

I have gotten to a point but I have forgotten how it feels to be happy. I'm not depressed. I'm just... tired. I feel like every day is just going through the motions. Wake up. Make the coffee. Go to work. Come home. Make dinner. Pack a lunch. Go to sleep. Wake up. Repeat.

I realize I can't fix someone or something, when part of the equation doesn't seem to think there's a problem. So my question for you is how do I go forward? How do I remember how to be happy?

 

How do I find balance in my life when I am the only person doing anything? Honestly, if it weren't for the fact that I have two kids at home (and enough pets that it would render me nearly impossible to find an apartment), I would just leave. I wouldn't get divorced, I would just simply stop paying the bills and keep my paycheck and just not come home one day. But that's not an option. Please help me keep my sanity. Just could use some practical insight.

Edited April 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Jrbtt]

In your last paragraph you describe what you want to do, but can't. That is your only option. Nothing will change a man like your husband like a huge consequence. I love pets, but you need to leave them behind unless you can find a place to take one or two of the favorites. You can ask him to change until you are blue in the face and he won't.

 

Sadly, something is very wrong with your husband. Like he has a major depression or something similar. Maybe an adiction to video games. None the less it is just like he is addicted to meth, herion, crack, or alcohol and his thinking is just as broken.

 

Probably best to consult an attorney to protect yourself first. You can go back home when he heals, but make him wait and prove he has changed by living a changes life for 6 months or more. He needs to fix the home and keep it clean.

 

I hate to say it, but you really have no choice but to move out until he gets help on his own and changes. Protect yourself and kids.

 

This may be the only thing you can do to save him. Chances are things will carry over into his job and he may end up loosing his job.

[BaileyB]

Something is really wrong with your husband, and it doesn't sound like he is motivated to change in any way.

 

You do describe what you want in the last paragraph and if I was you, I would be working to make that happen. Save some money, find affordable housing, consult a lawyer... With the possible exception of finances, there is nothing stopping you from doing what you need to do. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your children is leave this situation and create a happy, healthy home away from your husband. You are not serving your children if you continue to expose them to your husbands very unhappy, and unhealthy behavior.

 

Best wishes to you.

[aileD]

What faith are you? Is your husband active in that faith?

 

Find and do things FOR YOU. Leave him behind if he isn't going to move forward. Start doing things that you want to do. Hobbies, trips, etc.

[Clockwatching]

Hi Tammy,

 

One of the most difficult things in the world is to live in a house where someone's emotional difficulties are so bad that they poisen the very atmosphere around us - I'm so sorry that you're going through this, hopefully we can provide a bit of insight into what's going on with your husband.

 

From what you've said I can see some patterns with him that have never been dealt with - whether he will is difficult to say at this point because of the emotional state he's in.

 

I suspect that the reason he's saying that he's not depressed is because he doesn't feel very much of anything any more aside from numbness, he's switched off. This usually happens because someone has given up because it protects them from the painful emotions underlying it - the root to this numbness and apathy is more often than not, despair. They can't win, they can't do right for doing wrong, so he's stopped trying. In many ways it's a form of passive suicide.

 

He has a history of trying to escape his emotions - from drinking, to pot, to an affair, to gaming, they're all mechanisms of escape - of feelings that he likely thinks are bad or frightening, and he hasn't known how to deal with them so he becomes addicted to activities that take him away from his pain.

 

He can't stick to a job and has given up on any dreams that he ever had.

 

He sounds like a person who has never fully realised that he has choices, as the choices he's made in the past have resulted in punishment - the way to cope with that is to escape the feelings of shame, unworthiness and utter despair in any way possible.

 

It's highly likely that his family of origin are ultimately the ones responsible for what he's been set up for, and depending on how your marriage has been it may have been a contributing factor too.

 

You're also falling into the same trap of believing that you have no choices, so you'll likely keep on trying and going against your emotions until you're also so worn out that you can't move any more.

 

The way forward is to start making choices - as much as you don't want to believe it, because it is scary (as well as liberating), you do have them.

 

Your emotional set point has become dependent on where he is emotionally, which is completely understable as you have to live together and in your mind you're dependent on him getting better so that you can sort things out. You seem to have become attached to the idea that his getting better or his level of contribution will dictate your level of happiness, and it's not really true - you have choice, you've just forgotten that it's there.

 

Ask yourself what it is that you're feeling, sink into it and ask yourself what it is that you want and need, and whatever that turns out to be ask how you can get the things that you want - be open minded and let the answers come to you, because they are there.

 

If you're struggling with the idea of choice, close your eyes and walk through coming home, into the mess, oppressive attitude, the disconnection, the unspoken anger - bathe yourself in it. Then when you're ready, visualise taking bags you've already packed outside into the car with the kids and just drive away. See how you feel - this should remind you of the power of choice that you do have.

 

You don't actually have to get divorced to leave the house and put yourself in a better situation, the only thing you have to do is leave. Pets can be rehomed or if possible family and friends can take them until you're sorted out. The point is, you've lost perspective on what you can and can't do.

 

You're absolutely right that you can't help someone who refuses to acknowledge that there's a problem (I'm willing to bet he does see it, but he's very avoidant and it's scarier to acknowledge that there is a problem, because that means he has to deal with it) - but crucially, it doesn't take away your power to choose.

 

The alternative is staying in that situation where effectively his behaviour is enabled and he's able to hide, and it's going to be next to impossible for you and your children to be emotionally healthy in that situation.

 

I hope that's helped free the bars a little for you.

[Spring23]

A typical work day is as follows: wake up at 9:45. Go to the bathroom and smoke some pot. Leave for work at 10. Work from 11 till 4. Get home at 5. Shower, and slink away to the basement to play video games until 3 a.m. Repeat.

 

 

This is unacceptable. You've just described a child. What kind of work does he do?

[aileD]

I see a link between depression and pot doesn't cause depression, but if it's already present.....pot doesn't help.

[Mr. Lucky]

So here's the rub: first, I belong to a faith that does not condone divorce except for infidelity.

 

In my book, he's been as unfaithful as he could possibly be. There are other forms of infidelity beyond sexual. I also doubt a loving God wants us to live a life of abusive unhappiness.

 

Even if that were not the case, if I chose to divorce him, he would fight me for every single thing (in his mind, since he did the repairs when we first bought the house 17 years ago, he is the only reason we have a house). So it would be an exorbitantly expensive divorce, which we simply don't have the financial means for.

 

Sounds expensive. Until you compare it to the cost of not getting divorced. What price happiness ?

 

How do I find balance in my life when I am the only person doing anything? Honestly, if it weren't for the fact that I have two kids at home (and enough pets that it would render me nearly impossible to find an apartment), I would just leave. I wouldn't get divorced, I would just simply stop paying the bills and keep my paycheck and just not come home one day. But that's not an option. Please help me keep my sanity. Just could use some practical insight.

 

You're getting dangerously close to adopting your husband's numb passivity when it comes to your marital situation. I think you'd be surprised at how empowering taking action - in your case, any action - would be.

 

Hang in there, keep posting ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

Why have you put up with this for so long? Was there something you did in the past you felt guilty for?

[somanymistakes]

It sounds like he has problems and needs help. "Not caring anymore" IS depression, it's depression that's gone past the 'sad' stage and into the 'nothing' stage. Unless something changes, he may well stay there forever until it kills him.

 

If, by your faith, you believe you have a duty to your husband, then IMO that duty includes not just looking the other way while he does this to himself and to his family. Steps need to be taken. You know him far better than we do - what would it take to get him to see a doctor? A lift, an ultimatum, you taking the kids and going elsewhere?

 

He is ill and needs help before his illness spreads to the rest of you. You are already at risk.

[BaileyB]

In my book, he's been as unfaithful as he could possibly be. There are other forms of infidelity beyond sexual. I also doubt a loving God wants us to live a life of abusive unhappiness.

 

Agreed. I try to respect different religious beliefs, but it does seem sometimes that "religion" is used to explain away and cover any number of sins.

 

If we speak of a loving God, I don't think that he would want any of his children to spend their life with an unhealthy and abusive partner. Not to disrespect your belief, but is it possible that religion is used as an excuse - to avoid making the difficult decisions, taking the risk, and dealing with the hardship?

 

I'm sure your husband vowed to love, honor, and support you for the rest of your life... how is he holding up his end of the bargain?

[MomLeslieM]

Tammy I totally understand you're not wanting to get a divorce...and I don't think you should. However, you AND your husband need help. He IS depressed whether he realizes it or not he is. You are heading in that direction too just from the stresses you are carrying....PLEASE see a counselor for yourself (if you need some recommendations PM me....). It would be ideal if he would be willing to get marriage counseling with you as well - might he be? Has he said why he's not willing to go get his glasses fixed? Or go to the doctor for his diabetes? To some extent there seems to be some enabling by you for him too so use it to your advantage - have you tried to tell him to just get in the car and then drive him to where ever he got his glasses from? What would happen if you told him to get in the car and you drove to a counseling appointment?? He needs help because as you realize he is acting like a lazy teen - please don't let him get away with this anymore!

[BaileyB]

Tammy I totally understand you're not wanting to get a divorce...and I don't think you should. However, you AND your husband need help.

 

To some extent there seems to be some enabling by you for him too so use it to your advantage - have you tried to tell him to just get in the car and then drive him to where ever he got his glasses from? What would happen if you told him to get in the car and you drove to a counseling appointment??

 

With all due respect, you can't make someone get help. The first rule of health behavior change is that the person who has the problem has to admit that there is a problem and they have to want to change.

 

This will not work, but you are welcome to try.

[MomLeslieM]

With all due respect, you can't make someone get help. The first rule of health behavior change is that the person who has the problem has to admit that there is a problem and they have to want to change.

 

This will not work, but you are welcome to try.

 

This is true but he might be willing to go in with her and wake up and realize he needs the help....it seems worth a try for someone who doesn't want to give up on their marriage.