Numb

[eless]

I went from love to dislike to hate and now, just feeling absolutely nothing towards my mom. I really didn't think much about this but when I talk about it with friends, they told me that I am really unhealthy psychologically and that I need serious help claiming that hating my mom is still better than not feeling anything at all because hating her still means that I feel something for her but the moment I throw away all of my emotions, I've hit rock bottom. Honestly, sounds a little too dramatic to me but just in case I'm asking for opinions.

 

So, first, some history.

 

I loved my mom. I used to love her a lot growing up, I do, but as I grow up I started realizing my mom's manipulative personality but it wasn't so apparent that although I disliked her, I still loved her. As she grows older though, she became worse at manipulating me and I started to hate her. I hated the fact that she kept using her authority as a mother to guilt trip me just so that I don't go against her and do things her way regardless as to how I truly feel. I became emotionally suppressed, extremely stressed out, depressed and all that accumulated emotions resulted in me becoming slightly mentally unstable and I went completely hysterical a year ago.

 

What happened was, one day, I just picked up a kitchen knife and started shoving it at my mom while screaming at her revealing all of my pent up emotions especially about how frustrated I am that every time I tried to convey these feelings to her all these years (about 15 years), she always just brush it off with a stop-being-dramatic statement and would refused to listen to me. I also kept screaming about how I'm losing my mind and I just wanna either kill her or just kill myself as long as I can be relieved of all of this stress that I am feeling. Honestly I had no idea what I was doing at the time. I just lost every control I had left in me.

 

I know, crazy **** right? Yeah, it was Extremely scary. Not only for my mom but for me too. I really scared the **** out of myself. I had no idea how it all even started like from the moment I grabbed a knife, started screaming and going all crazy at my mom, I really had no recollection of how it all began or ended. Apparently, it all ended when I locked myself in the bathroom and passed out after going all berserk and crazy for a good 3 hours.

 

Everything is such a blur to me now but I know deep down that it was my hatred towards her that brought out those pent up emotions. I remember how emotionally exhausted I was and this was my way of surviving, a way to keep me sane, a way for me to move on with my life, my last resort before I completely shut down, mentally and emotionally.

 

Ever since that incident, I feel nothing towards my mom. I don't feel love nor do I hate her. I just DON'T FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL. Like I'm completely NUMB. She can do or say anything to me now and I just don't feel anything. The me who used to cry like crazy all the time for 15 years because I felt so hurt at the things she did, now just don't give a **** anymore.

 

Do you agree with my friends that this is actually serious or any professionals here who can advice me of this condition I am going through?

[GorillaTheater]

Do you agree with my friends that this is actually serious

 

 

I think pulling a knife on your mom is pretty damn serious, but the "numb" part sounds reasonably normal.

 

 

Have you two communicated much since then? What does your mom think about what happened a year ago?

[eless]

We talk like normal now but ever since the incident, she's scared of me. She's very careful with what comes out of her mouth and she's always cautious around me which is a given, I would be too if I were her. But she doesn't interfere with my life anymore and although it's been a year since the incident, she keeps every knife in the house in a locked drawer. That's how it's been since then.

 

Glad to hear that it's normal to feel the way I feel though. Thanks for the reassurance.

[Tulipwood]

If you feel such hate towards your Mother should you not move out? How long can your Mom watch what she says that could trigger another episode?

 

It just seems a very potentially dangerous living environment and if you have suppressed emotions they will come up again and in unhealthy ways.

 

It can't hurt to get therapy so that you understand where the real hate is coming from.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know, crazy **** right? Yeah, it was Extremely scary. Not only for my mom but for me too. I really scared the **** out of myself. I had no idea how it all even started like from the moment I grabbed a knife, started screaming and going all crazy at my mom, I really had no recollection of how it all began or ended. Apparently, it all ended when I locked myself in the bathroom and passed out after going all berserk and crazy for a good 3 hours.

 

One person's manipulation is another person's parenting.

 

But your reaction was beyond normal given the situation, obviously other things involved.

 

any professionals here who can advice me of this condition I am going through?

 

You need counseling, this is beyond the scope of an advice forum. Stop relying on friends and the Internet and get real help...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ronni_W]

...claiming that hating my mom is still better than not feeling anything at all

No; hatred isn't better than being genuinely detached and able to just observe everything from a neutral point of view and psychologically-safe distance.

 

...she became worse at manipulating me <snip> she kept using her authority as a mother to guilt trip me <snip> I became emotionally suppressed, extremely stressed out, depressed

At some point you have to take responsibility for allowing yourself to be manipulated by a manipulator and guilt-tripped by a guilt-tripper. There are many people who would not allow it yet also would not need to use or resort to using violence in place of just being properly assertive in the first place.

 

You made choices and decisions that caused and/or contributed to your emotions and emotional state; and your choices and decisions were not in your own best interest.

Even the youngest children can and will stand up for themselves -- they are called 'stubborn' and 'disobedient' and so forth, but they are still doing for themselves (in their best way given the limited psychological development of their age) what you needed to take responsibility for doing for yourself some time back. Once you got into your teens, you obviously had or could have made it your business to learn better ways of assertive communication, dealing with stress, emotions and anger management, etc.

 

...but I know deep down that it was my hatred towards her that brought out those pent up emotions.

Your hatred towards your mother is not the same as a choice and decision to lose control over the underlying thoughts and emotions in that moment, that caused you to act out violently.

 

Do you agree with my friends that this is actually serious

Yes it is serious, but not for the reason your friends are citing.

 

I agree with Mr. Lucky that seeking actual psychological healing through any type of impersonal or online avenue is not in your best interest. (Genuine professionals will not be willing to even attempt this.)

 

Onlookers can tell you that any ideas and beliefs that contain some version of, "Violence is or can be okay, and can be used as a last resort, and is or can be a proper and appropriate way for me to stand up for myself and ensure my mental, emotional and spiritual safety, health and well-being," do need to be addressed and fixed. In a proper professional environment, with qualified and competent professionals.

 

Wishing you the best.

[preraph]

All mothers are manipulative of their children. It's the nature of trying to control and teach young ones. But it's natural to become aware of and try to pull away from it sometime in your teen years to early adulthood. So nothing wrong with that. And that can be a big pressure-filled move to finally assert yourself. But it is worrisome that with you the rage built up to that degree and indicates maybe some other problems. I don't know if your parent or parents also had rage and so that seems ordinary to you, but it's not safe for anyone, especially your future wife and family.

 

So I'm saying what you have felt is not out of the norm, except for the uncontrolled rage-- and that needs to be dealt with in therapy before you do something you regret. The best thing probably would be therapy, but you might start by just targeting your rage through anger management and see if it made you feel more controlled. Cheaper and doesn't last as long.

[eless]

Thanks all for taking time to respond.

 

I'll try to squeeze my responses to everyone here.

 

Tulipwood: I did move out, immediately in fact after that episode I had with my mom. I was too unstable to be around her and was also overwhelmed by my own crazy act. So I left home but returned when she constantly asking me to come home.

 

Mr.Lucky: Yup, you were right about how there were other factors that made me react the way I did. Everything in my life was not going well with me at the time. Work wasn't going well, all of my relationships weren't going well, generally life was not going well. I had no one to turn to and the one place where I can feel at ease is home but when I got home, instead of being able to relieve my stress, my mom always managed to make things worse than it already had. I'm not blaming her of course, she's just being the way that she always had and it was my lack of control that really did it but with the other things that was going on in my life, all things piled up and I just couldn't take it. She was the easiest target back then.

 

Ronny_W: "No; hatred isn't better than being genuinely detached and able to just observe everything from a neutral point of view and psychologically-safe distance."

 

Thank you for this! This is exactly how I feel about my indifference and I really don't understand why my friends don't get it.

 

Also, I totally agree with what you said about people making decisions on how they want to be treated by others. I learned now that nobody can make you do something if you don't want to. My mom couldn't have manipulated me if I didn't let her. I wouldn't have been bullied in school if I stood up for myself. But I was a push over, which is why even though my mom and other people shut me up every time I try to say something I just kept quiet and just kept everything to myself.

 

Nowadays, I voice out how I really feel and people actually responded well to that to my surprise. My mom too is getting used to asking how I feel and is finally listening to what I have to say. It's really not easy for me and I still need to gather my courage to speak up every time but I no longer feel small and invisible like I used to.

 

Preraph: " I don't know if your parent or parents also had rage and so that seems ordinary to you, but it's not safe for anyone, especially your future wife and family."

 

I don't remember anyone of my family members having anger problems or anything of the sort. My dad who passed away 8 years ago was exactly like me or more like I was exactly like him, very quiet and passive, while my mom on the contrary, is vocal and controlling. So I think this is not something I got from them or my relatives but rather just my build up stress.

 

Honestly, I always fear myself since the episode and I always feel like if I can't trust myself, how can other people. My girlfriend doesn't know about any of this. I met her just a few months back and we just got together but I really like her and she has been a big part of my healing process so as much as I want to be open with her about this, I feel that it's too early for me to scare her with this information but I know I'd have to tell her someday.

 

About therapy: I wish I live in a country where mental and psychological problems are taken seriously. Where I come from, the society here just doesn't view problems like emotional stress or depression or other related psychological problems as anything but an excuse people use to simply avoid responsibility. For one thing, it's really hard to find knowledgeable and experienced psychiatrists or therapists here. I went to see 4 psychiatrists and all of them did the same thing, blamed everything on me, defended my mom and sent me home. Yes, I agree that what I did was completely insane and unforgivable but I wish they had at least address the real problem with me rather than just tell me something I already know. That's why I can't rely on therapist here.

 

My solution: Since I can't rely on professional help here in my country, I decided to take matters into my own hands and went on a soul searching journey away from home for a few months. I did a lot of thinking and finally realized the problems that could have led to my emotional breakdown. After my anger has ceased and I feel much more at peace, I returned home and had a talk with my mom about everything that I have been feeling all these years. I told her about how stressed I become every time she shuts me up especially when I was trying to tell her something important and how frustrated I was when she just assumes things about me without once considering how I truly feel about it or if that's truly what I want. She opened up about everything too. She didn't realize at all that i was actually in a lot of stress and she told me that she's going to be more discreet from then on and she wants me to come home so that we can try to patch things up, slowly. That's why I moved back in. I might have really hated her at one point but I also did love her a lot once upon a time too and no matter what, she'll always be my mom and after scarring her with this incident, I feel that this is the least I can do to repent.

 

My mom: Still scared ****less of me I believe since she had all knives or sharp objects locked in a drawer, not to mention that she locks her room all the time too. But she's trying nonetheless and me too in a way.

 

So we'll see how it goes from here.

[Ronni_W]

Nowadays, I voice out how I really feel <snip> It's really not easy for me and I still need to gather my courage to speak up every time but I no longer feel small and invisible like I used to.

eless,

 

I do commend you for doing the most valuable and important thing that you can be doing for yourself...choosing to just be courageous instead of becoming overwhelmed/paralyzed by fear.

As the saying goes, “practice makes perfect”, so just keep it up. .

 

Honestly, I always fear myself since the episode and I always feel like if I can't trust myself, how can other people.

At some point you will need to know and accept that you are a new man and that your old reactive pattern is no longer a threat to ever come out again; that the person who did that no longer exists in any way, shape or form.

We have to work towards letting go of the past...or how could we truly build a better future? (Which of course also includes letting go of all old blame, anger, resentment against other people and their mistakes and what they did to us, did not do for us, etc.)

 

My mom: Still scared ****less of me I believe since she had all knives or sharp objects locked in a drawer, not to mention that she locks her room all the time too.

Ultimately it’s not good to be in an environment where anybody wants to keep you forever stuck and locked into an old image of yourself that is now outdated and untrue. It will wear on your self-esteem and will also consciously or subconsciously limit your ability to truly see and accept yourself as the new man that you are today...and could even slow the process of growth into the man that you will be tomorrow.

 

About therapy: <snip> I went to see 4 psychiatrists and all of them did the same thing, blamed everything on me, defended my mom and sent me home. Yes, I agree that what I did was completely insane and unforgivable but I wish they had at least address the real problem with me rather than just tell me something I already know. That's why I can't rely on therapist here.

Again, you are doing everything you can, and your mom ought to be able to see this.

 

Given that you basically need to do self-therapy, it’s a little more difficult but still not impossible.

There are some online resources that I could offer, but please pick and choose according to your own inner discernment and personal philosophy/belief system:

 

• Based on Daniel Goleman’s work, Working with Emotional Intelligence.
  
• An article on karmic relationships with parents.
  
• David R. Hawkins’ book (in PDF format), Power vs. Force: The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior.
  
• Spiritual-based teachings about the practical side of life, including relationships, healing, mental illness, sexuality and movies, books and music (in separate categories, as per Menu on the left-hand side.)
  
• Eastern philosophy-based PDF, The Way of Liberation.
  
• List of publications by the Buddhist Publication Society (most available for free PDF download).
  

Hopefully you’ll find something suitable and useful somewhere in all of that. .

 

Sending much Love and Light your way.

[Miss Clavel]

So, first, some history.

 

 

What happened was, one day, I just picked up a kitchen knife and started shoving it at my mom while screaming at her revealing all of my pent up emotions especially about how frustrated I am that every time I tried to convey these feelings to her all these years (about 15 years), she always just brush it off with a stop-being-dramatic statement and would refused to listen to me. I also kept screaming about how I'm losing my mind and I just wanna either kill her or just kill myself as long as I can be relieved of all of this stress that I am feeling. Honestly I had no idea what I was doing at the time. I just lost every control I had left in me.

 

I know, crazy **** right? Yeah, it was Extremely scary. Not only for my mom but for me too. I really scared the **** out of myself.

 

Do you agree with my friends that this is actually serious or any professionals here who can advice me of this condition I am going through?

 

if anyone ever raises a knife to me, in my own home or anywhere else, i'm calling the police and pressing charges.

 

and yes, this is very serious, not to mention a crime. you need anger management lessons and she needs a restraining order, against you.

 

maybe she deserved it, maybe she raped you or sold you to her drug dealer for dope, in which case, what's done is done, otherwise, you're going to have to apologize. especially now since your behavior has given everyone plenty of ammo to use against you.

 

as in, she's crazy and violent and can't be trusted.

 

i usually rehearse what i'm going to say, i don't let the other person interrupt me and if they do, i just keep sticking to the script.

 

if they talk, or even say they don't accept my amends, i just repeat, "again, i apoligize, it will never happen again".

 

if it's someone i have no use for and don't care to see again, i wish them "good luck and all the best in life".

 

e.n.

Edited April 24, 2017 by Miss Clavel

[eless]

I still don't know how to quote but here's my response.

 

To Ronni_W:

"I do commend you for doing the most valuable and important thing that you can be doing for yourself...choosing to just be courageous instead of becoming overwhelmed/paralyzed by fear.

As the saying goes, “practice makes perfect”, so just keep it up. ."

 

Thanks a lot for your support. I really appreciate it.

 

"At some point you will need to know and accept that you are a new man and that your old reactive pattern is no longer a threat to ever come out again; that the person who did that no longer exists in any way, shape or form."

 

I really want to believe that this is true and that I will never experience another episode. For now, I'm doing good but I really wish for that day when I can say for sure that it definitely won't happen again. But as you said, "practice makes perfect" and I also believe that changing the way I view things while learning how to control my emotions will help mature me and allow me to move on from this crazy experience.

 

"Again, you are doing everything you can, and your mom ought to be able to see this."

 

There's only one reason why I'd like my mom to notice my effort of self healing and that is so that she herself can move on from this incident and live comfortably without fear.

 

None of us can ever forget the day it happened but I really really hope that we both can move on and live through it someday

 

"Given that you basically need to do self-therapy, it’s a little more difficult but still not impossible.

There are some online resources that I could offer, but please pick and choose according to your own inner discernment and personal philosophy/belief system:

 

• Based on Daniel Goleman’s work, Working with Emotional Intelligence.
  
• An article on karmic relationships with parents.
  
• David R. Hawkins’ book (in PDF format), Power vs. Force: The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior.
  
• Spiritual-based teachings about the practical side of life, including relationships, healing, mental illness, sexuality and movies, books and music (in separate categories, as per Menu on the left-hand side.)
  
• Eastern philosophy-based PDF, The Way of Liberation.
  
• List of publications by the Buddhist Publication Society (most available for free PDF download).
  

Hopefully you’ll find something suitable and useful somewhere in all of that. .

 

Sending much Love and Light your way."

 

Thank you so very much for this. I really welcome all the help I can get.

 

To Miss Clavel:

 

"if anyone ever raises a knife to me, in my own home or anywhere else, i'm calling the police and pressing charges.

and yes, this is very serious, not to mention a crime. you need anger management lessons and she needs a restraining order, against you."

 

I bet my mom feels the same way you do and I will never deny the fact that what I experienced was very serious. But despite everything that's happened, I really don't have the courage to tell my mom to call the police or send me to a mental institution or anything of the sort although deep down I do know that that's how it should be. It's not that I am not aware that what I did was outrageous and this is very selfish of me but I'm scared to be honest and I really don't want to be locked in a cell or anything like that.

 

I still want to believe that I am able to heal completely from all of this. If another episode happens, which I really hope not, I think my mom will send me away for help anyway.

 

"maybe she deserved it, maybe she raped you or sold you to her drug dealer for dope, in which case, what's done is done, otherwise, you're going to have to apologize. especially now since your behavior has given everyone plenty of ammo to use against you.

 

as in, she's crazy and violent and can't be trusted."

 

I never believe or even thought that my mom or anybody for that matter "Deserved" this kind of treatment, ever. In fact, at the end of the day, it's not even about my mom or what she did when I think about it. It was about me. I was too weak for my own good and I still am actually. One of my biggest problems has always been inferiority complex. I could never stand up for myself because I never could voice out how I feel and I kept every single thing to myself ever since I was a kid which resulted in suppressed emotions. Even now it's hard for me to change but I force myself to speak up nowadays which takes a lot out of me really.

 

As for people using this incident against me, well, only my mom, the people reading this post and I know about this incident. Somehow my mom kept it from public knowledge and I'm really grateful for that. I think she's doing it for my sake, for my future and because she really wants me to recover. Or I hope this is the case. I don't really know but I'd like to stay positive and hope for the best.

 

Thanks for your input though. Like I said to Ronni_W, I appreciate all the help and support I can get.

Edited April 26, 2017 by eless

[Ronni_W]

"At some point you will need to know and accept that you are a new man..."

 

I really want to believe that this is true and that I will never experience another episode. For now, I'm doing good but I really wish for that day when I can say for sure that it definitely won't happen again.

eless,

 

Trust yourself and what you feel in your own heart, about it. When you know that it's true, do not let other people try to dissuade you or tell you differently.

One of the worst things you can do to yourself is to let other people define who you are or keep you stuck in their wrong image of you.

But despite everything that's happened, I really don't have the courage to tell my mom to call the police or send me to a mental institution or anything of the sort although deep down I do know that that's how it should be.

No...that is NOT "how it should be" current day! The time for calling the police is long, long passed and, mentally and emotionally you need to do your best to keep the entire episode in the past. If anyone wants to bring it up in the present or future, you tell them, politely but firmly, "That is an incident from my past. I have learned and grown from it, and I continue to expand my self-knowledge, self-control and personal/relationship skills. I have reformed and rehabilitated myself, so I am truly and clearly not that person anymore."

 

You did not then, and you do not now, belong in a mental institution. While yours was clearly a more serious angry outburst, if everybody who did resort to that level were to be institutionalized, they'd need to build hundreds more institutions. .

 

Again, all the best. I'm glad that you are getting some of the guidance and support that you need, here at LoveShack. .

Edited April 27, 2017 by Ronni_W
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