At a crossroads in life

[LotusAvx]

Yesterday was my 22nd birthday, and I always get sad around my birthday, because I never do anything extravagant. I have been feeling lonely and sad lately. Still grieving after a break up of a LTR. It will be a year in the summer. My ex is having a baby with the new girl he just met, so I am still quite bitter about everything.

I miss being in a relationship, I miss having that closeness. I am dating, but I will not settle with someone just to have that feeling. I am not clicking with anyone or finding someone that likes me as much as I like them.

 

I am sad about my life, my upbringing, the challenges I've faced, the fact that I am so shy and afraid to open up to people. My first year of college is coming to an end, and I didn't make one lasting friend, only acquaintances. I am embarrassed around family for my lack of social life. I feel like I am missing out, like I should have a big group of friends and be doing fun things, especially with summer coming. I try to tell myself that my personality is not suited for that kind of a social life, but I still struggle making friends and feel hopeless and sad. I have been going out for a drink at a bar on weekends just to hope to meet people there, but everyone already has their group of friends. I just don't know why it's so hard for me, even with men, I am an attractive girl I don't know why it's so hard.

 

I've felt like this for a long time, like a loner, different and on the outside looking in while others have great experiences and fun. I know not to compare, I just don't know why I've had such a lonely life and always felt outcast.

[Mr Scorpio]

I am sad about my life, my upbringing, the challenges I've faced, the fact that I am so shy and afraid to open up to people. My first year of college is coming to an end, and I didn't make one lasting friend, only acquaintances.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. Understand that your feelings are normal. The best thing you can do is decide to change the situation and then stick with that decision. Understand that there is a wide area between not being shy and opening up to people. Striking up a conversation with a guy at a bar is a long ways from bearing your soul.

 

Baby steps. Look for a group on campus that you are interested in. Movies. Music. Politics. Whatever. Maybe frequent the same establishments on the same days of the week and then you become a regular. You chat with the bartender. Someone else joins in on the conversation. So on and such.

 

At least this way you have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried.

[Hailiee7]

I hear you.

 

Does the college you attend have outings and get-together adventures that might interest you? If so, you might attend one. Or perhaps start volunteering with a local community group or at your college. Volunteering is a great way to make friends and who knows, you might meet a really great guy by volunteering.

 

But, the important thing is to get out and not stay inside and brood. Take it from one who has learned this lesson the hard way.

 

Have fun and good luck!

[RatherNotSay]

Hmm, if this is how/who you are, then why change for others to like you ? Why look for others acceptance ? When in fact, you should be looking for your own acceptance then everything else won't matter.

 

Having a heartbroken and feeling bitter about a relationship, even depressed is normal, specially if its LTR, only time will heal that. You need to be okay with how and who you are, not look for people who are okay with who you are.

 

Learn to love yourself, that's what I'm trying to do now. Change or add habits to your life, smile more often as soon as you wake up and when you go to bed. Be happy you are who you are. And soon enough your new habits will shape you and make you realize you are doing more than okay.

[Telemachus]

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be, you included. Your life is only 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it.

 

In reading your posting, I see that you see causation where none exists. You aren't sad because you didn't do something extravagant. The causal connection isn't there. You aren't bitter because of an ex's life circumstances. Again, you're letting yourself off the hook by drawing causal connections that are manufactured by you.

 

The thing you control today is the attitude that you embrace today. Make a better choice today. Do so tomorrow as well.

 

What holds you back isn't all the love that you didn't receive from others in the past, but rather all the love you're not extending to others right now.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I made no friends in college. Literally zero. It was mostly due to changing it 4 times because of moving and also due to the fact that I hated attending lectures. I have some form of ADD and tune out of a lecture after about 5 minutes in so I saw no point in going. I didn't join any social groups either. So college is not be all end all.

 

It's relatively easy to make friends at your age. I remember randomly meeting a guy at a bus stop (purely platonic), I told him I am new in town and he invited me to a party that night. Cue in an instant group of friends I hang out with for over 5 years.

 

I made another friend (girl) through a guy I went on a couple of dates with. Initially I was kind of jealous of them but she ended up being one of my closest friends for 10+ years, despite us now living far apart. Neither of us talks to that guy anymore. I also had an instant group of friends through her.

 

I currently struggle to make friends because I am older (late 30s) and my lifestyle doesn't match most people's at that age group. So it's a little harder, but I went to a few meetups, joined some classes and already made a few friends (only superficial friends right now) but one of them already invited me to his bday party this weekend. So it's not all as bleak as it seems.

[mortensorchid]

You have to find another way to live. Don't call yourself a loner, call yourself a rogue. You can defy the odds and have everything and anything you want, you just have to find the right avenues.

 

I was like you once, now I embrace my rogue rather than say "I am lonely" because I'm not. And there will be many people you will meet who are not good friends in life. You're stronger than that just because you were ousted from or not accepted in a group. That's what the loneliness comes from. But choosing solitude is better in the long run. I'm writing a book on it.

[Nowty V]

I just don't know why I've had such a lonely life and always felt outcast.

 

Maybe it's because Society is geared toward the risk-taking, extrovert, personality type and you maybe the more discerning, thoughtful, introvert personality type.

 

This book provides a good overview of the trait

 

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

by Susan Cain

 

This book is more in depth and provides all sorts of insights and techniques.

 

The Highly Sensitive Person:

How To Thrive When The World Overwhelms You

by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.

 

If you do have this trait it has many positive advantages, you just need to understand you, and live your life accordingly. Don't measure yourself by society's norms; Everything that is made beautiful and fair and lovely is made for the eye of one who sees. Rumi

[LotusAvx]

I just turned 22 and finished college. I feel like I have no luck in life - with relationships, friends or jobs. I am trying to be positive, being thankful for what I have but nothing ever happens for me. I am ready to just do something drastic like move to a different province and start life over.

 

I want to have all these experiences, but I have no friends to have them with. I am not the person I want to be, and I am starting to tell myself that I am just not meant to have a good/exciting life. It's like my life never changes and nothing good ever happens.

 

I feel like moving away will give me a chance to start over, but my biggest fear is that I move, and then I end up being even more lonely.

 

How do I get over the feeling that I am wasting my life (especially my 20s) I feel like before I know it I'll be 30 and never have done anything exciting.

I go out alone and listen to live music and have some drinks alone, trying to meet people, but nothing seems to work. I have the idea of the life I want but I can't seem to get it.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I just turned 22 and finished college. I feel like I have no luck in life - with relationships, friends or jobs. I am trying to be positive, being thankful for what I have but nothing ever happens for me. I am ready to just do something drastic like move to a different province and start life over.

 

I want to have all these experiences, but I have no friends to have them with. I am not the person I want to be, and I am starting to tell myself that I am just not meant to have a good/exciting life. It's like my life never changes and nothing good ever happens.

 

I feel like moving away will give me a chance to start over, but my biggest fear is that I move, and then I end up being even more lonely.

 

How do I get over the feeling that I am wasting my life (especially my 20s) I feel like before I know it I'll be 30 and never have done anything exciting.

I go out alone and listen to live music and have some drinks alone, trying to meet people, but nothing seems to work. I have the idea of the life I want but I can't seem to get it.

 

Ok so this just got merged and now my responses make no sense. Cool.

[SoulCat]

When I was 17 I moved to Paris. On my own, no friends. I did not know a single soul out there.

But I found myself making connections, simply because as human beings we are not destined to lead life in solitude, we seek company.

Go out there, put yourself out there. Don't hide behind a laptop, tablet or mobile phone.

 

You may feel very vulnerable at first but it will pay off. You'll end up chatting to all sort of people, connecting strongly with some and leaving others in your rearview mirror.

 

You seem to have an idea of the sort of life you want. It's not gonna land in your lap. You need to go out there and make it happen.

Take risks, go crazy and move somewhere exciting. At 22, this is the time to do it and the time to make mistakes. The lessons learned are invaluable, trust me.

 

Good luck!

Edited April 13, 2017 by SoulCat

[todreaminblue]

i dont know what challenges you have had or your upbringing parts that make you sad ....when i look back at the challenges i have had .......i put my chin up... and say haha cant kill me........other people might have been permanently locked up in a psyche ward but i made it...you made it...... what ever your challenges were they are not your todays.....they are not your tomorrows they are your far gone yesterdays.....have you ever done talk therapy in a group.....it helps ...even if you dont open up hearing other peoples tell of their hard times that are similar can make you feel not so alone with your struggles you have had.....sometimes even you might have something to tell that got you through and to help someone else ....i dont know .....it just really helps you more than them probably because it gets you out of your head space and realize you arent the only one....to comfort someone else is like hugging yourself......and they hug you anyway......

 

i believe with my whole heart that god gives his biggest battles to his strongest soldiers.......smilin....and if that is the case i am one massive gi jane.....because he keeps giving me huge battles to face.......

 

my belief in god has helped me many many times...when i feel no one hears me scream on the inside ...he does.......when i tried to commit suicide once a voice told me no deborah.......just .....no deborah...i was goign to jump out a window onto concrete...knowing my luck i would have survived anyway.........i know he is there ....and he keeps me going for whatever reason.....you have to believe how insignificant you feel or the opposite how targeted ...god put us here for a reason......if you dont believe in god ...the universe or whatever you believe in ...you ...the whole of you is here for a reason ....your struggles will never be in vain foi you can use them fro good...to help another to comfort.......serve in a soup kitchen.....or a homeless shelter...so many people in the world struggling without any friends ......not even fair weather friends...find help lines where kids ring up who go to school hungry and come home to no parents...join the volunteers there.........kids bullied at school who dont or cant tell their parents.........so many charities crying out for helping hands...be those hands ...find one you are passionate for and support them ....i find purpose and direction from supporting others......i lift them ...they lift me back....make me smile.....realize just how many people have it tough......

 

i found my church i love where they accept me for me ...all the good and all the bad....they accept me when im happy they accept me when i am sad.....when im quiet or im loud.......and its made a huge difference to my life..my family have noticed and support me to the point they know my values and beliefs i try to uphold..... if i deviate they get very vocal...if i dont go ...they get even more vocal and basically tell me they will drag me back to church.......if i stay away too long.......

 

 

...you just need to find your spot......and its out there waiting for you......someone really needs you out there.......your voice ...your experiences your knowledge your shyness....your smile.....you are needed .....really needed......dotn ever feel you arent......i know how hard it is to feel that you are important when you seem to be overlooked....but you are....we are all ripples take away one ripple it can effect more than just the pond you are in.....it just takes one drop of water to overflow a glass......if that drop isnt there.....the glass will never overflow......you are the change for someone ......you just have to find that ........

 

 

so dont give up.....just keep looking you will find your spot where you just belong.........travel ....do things you never dreamed you could....you can do anything you want to do .even if its stick you feet in the sea and have an ice cream on a beach...say hello to strangers.......with warm smiles.....you dotn have to say more than that.....seeing surprise on strangers glum and a returning smile....classic..............and take pictures or write about what you do ....make a list of beautiful things you live for........you live to see or do that you really love and do it every day.......it helps with perspective when you are about to face battles bigger than you have faced before.... or are facing battles.......i wish you well i wish you peace....and hugs to ya...big ones....debxo

Edited April 13, 2017 by todreaminblue

[small_hand_of_power]

Wow... No joke but literally everything you said I am also going through.. Turning 22 in two months, going to be finishing my first year of college, made no friends... all short of my ex having a baby, but who knows maybe she is.

 

If you want to talk or anything you can PM me. It's just weird how similar.

[LotusAvx]

that's so weird how similar.. i can't figure out how to pm on here, but pm me if you want!!

[LotusAvx]

I wasn't sure where to post this.

Does anyone else feel like they have racing thoughts and ideas about what they should do in life and what they want to accomplish?

I am having terrible racing thoughts and almost like impending pressure to experience certain things that I feel are vital to my existence. Like for example, I want to take a trip, get a new job, find a boyfriend and do all these things. I just turned 22 and I feel like time is going to run out very fast. I look back on the past 10 years of my life and they haven't been the greatest and I have this fear that I won't be in my 20s anymore having not accomplished anything.

[Ronni_W]

LotusAvx,

 

You may be putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself by not recognizing your life goals and dreams as such.

 

"Vital to your existence" is breathing, eating and sleeping; and a few other natural bodily needs and functions. Then shelter and clothing. And that's about it. Personal and financial independence being included in all of this.

 

Higher level, there is your psycho-spiritual learning, growth and development, and completing your Divine Plan for this lifetime.

 

Romantic relationships, trips and adventures, positive social interactions and mutually rewarding and supportive relationships are on top of that. Sometimes marriage and parenthood can be part of one's Divine Plan, sometimes not.

 

All of that said, if the racing thoughts and sense of pressure do not let up or you can't get control of them, then do consider hiring a therapist or life coach to help you get things in perspective; or even, yoga, tai chi or Bhuddist or Zen meditation could be helpful.

 

Hugs and best of luck.

[LotusAvx]

I just finished my first year of college, with the option to go back. I majorly feel like I am missing out on life and experiences. I want to make a change happen, but I fear being alone. This happened with going back to school: went back in hopes of making friends, didn't end up making any. I am worried if I move away the same will happen. I am also in the middle of looking for a new job, just anything temporary to get me out of my current job which is horrible.

 

I just turned 22 yet I feel like the rest of the 20s are going to pass me by and I am never going to do anything fun or have friends or another relationship. I even felt like this when I was 16 years old, and nothing has changed since then except for a major relationship I had being over. Could it be a good idea to move cities and make a major change on my own to start new in life? How can I get over this constant fear of me missing out in life?