a girl's ex bf suddenly comes back to her after 6 months.

[Venn]

There is this girl that I met online... we chatted for about three months now. The last time her boyfriend met with her was January in her birthday. According to her, I'm like everything I was her boyfriend wasn't. She always says her bf is killjoy, her family doesn't like him, her friends dont like him and they don't want her to go back with her ever.

 

For 3 months we've been chatting and caring for each other, (video calls, cellphone calls, texts chats, emails)... all of a sudden, she confessed to me that she loves me... its a first for me and normally a guy would be the first to confess... she told me she may have felt the love ever since last month of march. Over the course of 3 months, she started introducing me to her friends and family online (this was before she confessed)...

 

At first she wanted to keep it secret then her friends kept on prodding on her cellphone, started stalking who keeps on liking her facebook account until they eventually discovered me. Even her big family knows who I am now and some friends and family started adding me on their facebook. Some of them which I've been chatting too (saying dont hurt my sister, come here when you have time, please be loyal)... So far in my side, I only told it to my sister and my mom because my dad is a little too strict when it comes to expenses (it costs about 4000 pesos to get there but its not going to burst a whole through my wallet enough.. I have a stable job so no worries because I can get there anytime if I use my leave well enough... of course if its gonna work out.)

 

It really wasn't my plan to confess... I wanted to get to know her for maybe like a year... because I knew anything can happen (her getting back with her bf, she finds a bf just locally near her)... It was just too early for me and now I've also fallen deep for her as well. Ever since I have given her letters and notes, she was proud of it and kept showing it to her family and friends and even sang songs to me even if she doesn't know how to sing... I'm just kinda afraid because everything is happening too fast anything bad might happen.

 

She told me even before her ex boyfriend started chatting her again that she doesn't want to go back with him... she kept repeating that. What's odd is why she keeps on comparing me to her ex... she admits she doesn't know if she's moved on and then tells me she "I wish that he doesn't confuse my mind anymore... I'm already happy with you just being there for me".

 

The reason why they broke up is because the sweetness just kind of faded for the guy. for the span of 4 years for them, the guy just suddenly said that "we're over" and no real closure ever happened to them. The girl kept on wondering and waiting if the guy ever will come back until she got tired of getting hurt and decided to move on... and after that, I came along and thats where the 3 month and ongoing "more than friendship but not yet in relationship" thing happened.

 

Now the guy is suddenly back and told her he misses her. And here I am wondering what her choice is going to be... her ex boyfriend is just two hours away by bus... while me... I have to ride a plane and get there for an hour and a half... riding planes is rare and costly for LDR... while the ex's advantage is that he is near to her... maybe a little help? I've done so much for her already... I just don't want my efforts to be wasted...

Edited April 20, 2017 by Venn

[preraph]

How many times have you met face to face? If it's none, this simply isn't a real relationship. You have to really be next to someone to get a real idea of what they're like and whether it's right or not. Her ex is much more real to her, for better or worse. He's tangible.

 

You aren't exclusive, even if you are seeing each other face to face, so you just need to date real women in real life in your own town and her memory will fade pretty quickly.

[Venn]

Why does she get hurt if I dont text? Why did she confess if we havent seen each other? All she said was "I just want you to be there"... I'm also asking help from someone who had been in a 3 year relationship with someone online. She doesnt know either... mabe you guys know?

[ExpatInItaly]

She gets hurt because she seeks attention and validation from you, but only when it's convenient for her. She liked feeling wanted again. When you are out of reach, she misses her fix.

 

She confessed to loving you because she sounds young and immature, and it's not laced with deep meaning for her. How could it be, when you've never met and have only talked for 3 months? Her concept of "love" sounds like it's on a more superficial level, and she isn't experienced or old enough yet to really understand it.

 

I would not try to take this any further. Save your money and wait for a local girl who can go dates with you and isn't secretly hoping an ex will return.

[Venn]

Well consider my neighbor... my friend for a long time who was getting to know each other for a year and then had been in a relationship for 2 years with the guy... they did not work out because the girl was a little too scared to go to the country... the girl is from philippines and the guy was in united states. The reason why the girl was the one to move is because the guy has the more stable job... everything was ready... papers and everything... it just didnt happen because the girl just wasnt ready for a new environment... so the guy decided to break up after 2 years... they lasted for 2 years and it was devastating according to her... was she also immature? Shes 26 years old and the guy is 28...

[ExpatInItaly]

Well consider my neighbor... my friend for a long time who was getting to know each other for a year and then had been in a relationship for 2 years with the guy... they did not work out because the girl was a little too scared to go to the country... the girl is from philippines and the guy was in united states. The reason why the girl was the one to move is because the guy has the more stable job... everything was ready... papers and everything... it just didnt happen because the girl just wasnt ready for a new environment... so the guy decided to break up after 2 years... they lasted for 2 years and it was devastating according to her... was she also immature? Shes 26 years old and the guy is 28...

 

How is this relevant to your situation?

[Venn]

How is this relevant to your situation?

 

Were in the same country... im from philippines in the mindanao area... while she is in the luzon area... the fare is actually affordable... she says its ok for me to visit during any holidays and in december and summer... unlike going from philippines to united states which costs like 100k plus I can get as low as 3k to 4k roundtrip... my neghbors situation was a lot harder... and she is a girl who is hard to please... yet they managed to get it to 3 years

[ExpatInItaly]

You can't compare your situations based on the fact that you're in the same countries, OP. No two relationships are the same and no two people think alike. There are too many variables that influence the dynamic between two people.

 

The fact is that this girl has an ex that she's still interested in. That's all you need to know. She's just a friend and I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment by hoping for more out of this.

[Venn]

So I will not consider on the family being supportive with me? When they also talk to me everytime when I do video calls with her? (the whole family already talked to me)... some of her closest friends talked to me and they even said that I need to come and work here so that she will have a partner... her closest friends even told me a secret that she wished I was the man for her.

 

I already also talked to her about the ex... everytime her ex tries to chat her, there are no feelings of pain or longing anymore so she says. She says she is happy even when she is single.

[ExpatInItaly]

So I will not consider on the family being supportive with me? When they also talk to me everytime when I do video calls with her? (the whole family already talked to me)... some of her closest friends talked to me and they even said that I need to come and work here so that she will have a partner... her closest friends even told me a secret that she wished I was the man for her.

 

I already also talked to her about the ex... everytime her ex tries to chat her, there are no feelings of pain or longing anymore so she says. She says she is happy even when she is single.

 

Not really, no. It's nice that they like you, but they aren't the ones with a romantic interest. The same goes for her closest friends. I had a wonderful relationship with one of my ex's family, but it in the end, it doesn't guarantee anything about the longevity of a relationship - particularly when they've never actually met you. The only person person whose opinion and interest truly matter is this girl.

 

It's also not true that she's got no feelings of longing for her ex. Heck, she more or less said that herself! She told you she doesn't know if she's moved on. Someone with no feelings for an ex doesn't say such a thing. He wouldn't be a consideration at all if she felt nothing for him.

 

How has her communication with you been since her ex resurfaced? Has the frequency of contact changed? Content of her messages? Has she expressed a desire to meet in person soon?

 

How old are the two of you, by the way?

[Venn]

Not really, no. It's nice that they like you, but they aren't the ones with a romantic interest. The same goes for her closest friends. I had a wonderful relationship with one of my ex's family, but it in the end, it doesn't guarantee anything about the longevity of a relationship - particularly when they've never actually met you. The only person person whose opinion and interest truly matter is this girl.

 

It's also not true that she's got no feelings of longing for her ex. Heck, she more or less said that herself! She told you she doesn't know if she's moved on. Someone with no feelings for an ex doesn't say such a thing. He wouldn't be a consideration at all if she felt nothing for him.

 

How has her communication with you been since her ex resurfaced? Has the frequency of contact changed? Content of her messages? Has she expressed a desire to meet in person soon?

 

How old are the two of you, by the way?

 

The content of her messages have become even more caring, she even planned to meet me here but told me I should go there first... she keeps on sending me promo prices and keeps on researching how many miles and kilometers our distance is.

 

In fact, it seems like she has been the one who has done a lot of effort in contacting me... She is the one with longer messages, sometimes the one who initiates the calls (although Im the one who mainly initiates the calls) and sent like 5 letters to me and a happy birthday. So far Ive only sent two...

 

Like I said... I only wanted it to keep things a little low for maybe a year because I did research on LDR that its very hard and might not work... but she confessed so it went a step up higher... with the a committed person, It might just work... just like my neighbor with her 3 year virtual relationship with someone she hasn't met in person.

 

So far the ex only sent 5 messages to her... saying he is sorry, saying he misses her, and one long message, then an I love you, then a how are you... all she sent was just one big question mark "?". And then didnt reply to him anymore... They were 4 years and 3 months... and her ex mistaken the relationship that it was 3 years... (can't even remember how long they have been).

 

Th ex made a new account just so that he can reply to her because she blocked him first... she didn't shed a tear when they broke up. Because on their 3 year mark, she was so heartbroken and helpless everytime they broke up so she promised herself that she will never shed a tear on him the next time something bad happens.

 

She then posted a facebook status "Learn to appreciate. All things will have an ending. You should have valued her. With your absence, she is now happy."

 

Also, why do you think that the guy breaks up for 6 months shows up on her birthday 3 months later but not even having contact? never shows up for 3 months again and then starts contacting her again after that? Is this a late reaction that he loved her after all?

 

Im 26... and she is 24. Both have stable jobs...

Edited April 22, 2017 by Venn

[ExpatInItaly]

Who knows why he showed up again? Only he could answer that.

 

If you want a shot, you cannot wait a year until meeting her. That's just too long. Most people don't want to wait around when there's a potential offer much closer (ie. her ex)

[Venn]

Who knows why he showed up again? Only he could answer that.

 

If you want a shot, you cannot wait a year until meeting her. That's just too long. Most people don't want to wait around when there's a potential offer much closer (ie. her ex)

 

Question... when her ex messaged her, why did she say that it didn't bring any effect on her? Does that mean she doesn't want to be with him? She told me countless times that she doesn't want to be with him anymore.

 

Me... I also shared my ex to her countless times as well but also said that I have moved on even when there was no real closure. Does that also mean that I have not moved on as well?

Edited April 23, 2017 by Venn

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes there is... but here's one question... when her ex messaged her, why did she say that it didn't bring any effect on her? Does that mean she doesn't want to be with him? She told me countless times that she doesn't want to be with him anymore.

 

Me... I also shared my ex to her countless times as well but also said that I have moved on even when there was no real closure. Does that also mean that I have not moved on as well?

 

Because she's trying to protect your feelings, and probably keep you hanging around while she figures out if she wants to go back to her ex. She isn't being honest that her ex's message had no effect on her, if he still has ability to "confuse" her. This woman is a walking contradiction, but she's trying to tell you what she thinks you want to hear.

 

Unless your own ex has been in touch and you still acknowledge that you are confused and that you haven't moved on, your comparison is moot.

 

But you're focusing on the wrong things. Again, if you really want to see if this has any legs, go and meet her in person. Don't wait several more months; I can nearly guarantee she will lose interest by then, especially with her ex hanging around. See if she's as great in real life and if you two have real chemistry. What you have now is an online friendship, which is nice, but that doesn't always translate into a match offline. So rather than analyzing everything she or her family and friends say...start putting a plan in motion to actually meet her, and soon.

[Venn]

Because she's trying to protect your feelings, and probably keep you hanging around while she figures out if she wants to go back to her ex. She isn't being honest that her ex's message had no effect on her, if he still has ability to "confuse" her. This woman is a walking contradiction, but she's trying to tell you what she thinks you want to hear.

 

Unless your own ex has been in touch and you still acknowledge that you are confused and that you haven't moved on, your comparison is moot.

 

But you're focusing on the wrong things. Again, if you really want to see if this has any legs, go and meet her in person. Don't wait several more months; I can nearly guarantee she will lose interest by then, especially with her ex hanging around. See if she's as great in real life and if you two have real chemistry. What you have now is an online friendship, which is nice, but that doesn't always translate into a match offline. So rather than analyzing everything she or her family and friends say...start putting a plan in motion to actually meet her, and soon.

 

I haven't even said that I loved her yet... also... what she said was, "It's too late... I am happy already, I don't want him to confuse me anymore. And I only wish that you are there for me." She didn't say she was confused.

 

Is it a requirement that I have to work there as well? Like land a job to her place and see each other everyday?

 

I have had a full time job here for 2 years... and I also have sidelines... I was hoping that she would agree on meeting like maybe 4 times a year. and maybe everytime I go there, spend like a week with her and her family. so four times seven... roughly a month of meeting per year...

 

One of my co workers did that at one point... he is also the reason why I got into this online dating thing. His destination is even a little farther than mine...

Edited April 23, 2017 by Venn

[ExpatInItaly]

You are getting way ahead of yourself, OP.

 

Meet her once first, and see how it goes. Don't worry about sorting out a job or how many times a year you'll see each other without even having met in person.

[Venn]

6th letter that she gave to me

 

Dear VJ(me),

 

How are you now? First of all, thank you for the new letter that you gave to me. I really appreciate. Why are you such a sweet sweet person? I just want to write this letter to you now. When I woke up in the morning, I immediately took a paper and a ballpen.

 

I just want to thank you to all for al lthe times that you've been there for me. Thank you for caring for me, the advices that you gave to me. Thank you for everything. I wish that you are always there for me. I'm happy that I knew a (insert my name) in my life.

 

My ex that came back, maybe that was my question yo always ask of me. I don't know what I will do if he will come back... but he did. Maybe he missed me... but I accept the reality that I never really want him to come back in my life and just want to be friends... maybe what I really feel for him now is just pity because no one is caring for him anymore because he doesnt have a mother and father anymore. But I know that God won't leave him. I wish that there will come a time that we will both be happy.

 

Thank you for what you did just recently... when I was crying when my mom scolded me when I was just spending the weekend with my friends because of a tiring day at work. Really... Thank you... I'm so lucky that I have someone like you that is always supporting me, encouraging me and motivating me always.

 

I wish that even when we both are busy at work, you are always there for me. I know that you will be so busy at work but that you are still going to be there for me... I wish that nothing will change... I will be here wating for your chat and text and your call...

 

My mother and father told me I can go there anytime soon... but they said that you have to come here first. So I'm very excited to see you even if that is going to be quite a while... I will be patiently waiting.

 

God Bless... always pray to God about our meeting, keep safe at work always...

 

What do you think guys? Is she exerting this much effort if she loves me or not? She just wrote me this letter this long.

[Venn]

UPDATE!

 

She met with her ex today after her ex's constant attempt to communicate with her. She was pissed off why he had to show up. She told me even though they have met and even held her hand, she didn't feel a thing for him. No hurts, no longings... nothing.

 

Her ex cried in front of her and begged for the relationship to work but said it was too late for him.

 

She then wrote another 2 letters for me thanking me for being there and thanking me for the advices that I have given her.

 

She's already given me so many letters I can't even write and translate them for you guys to read.

[Venn]

[threads merged]

 

This is a continuation on my topic where a girl that I met online is just confusing on where this is going. She tells me she loves me but she is not yet ready for a relationship yet because of an ex that wants to go back with her. Well in their 4 years of being together, only year 1 and year 2 has only been sweet and then when year 3 and 4 came, the sweetness just slowly ended and the girl kept trying to keep the relationship even though it was like that. It was stressful for her because the guy doesn’t ever make any effort anymore to the point where the guy ended it and the girl just kept on calling and texting and chatting and he was just not there anymore 6 months came and she just got used to the loneliness that she has been feeling.

 

It was October 2016 when her ex broke up and then January 2017 is where I came into the picture. It’s been 4 months since I came to chat/text/videocall/call her. She confessed to me a month ago and her feelings haven’t faded at all… she still wants me. After much effort of trying to get her number, her ex finally was able to contact her and she decided to meet up and see if she did have any feelings for him. They did meet up and she didn’t feel anything for him when they met. Of course I had to make sure so I did always look on her ex’s stalker account how her ex was regretful of what he did, how he will never give up, then stuff like suicide. Until his posts in his stalker account just stopped and she herself also blocked those two accounts so she doesn’t know how her ex has been doing.

 

Although she did say that her feelings for him were gone at that time, she still doesn’t know if she has moved on. I don’t get it at all. Although she did her best on trying to avoid him… at least she made some effort on avoiding him. The reason why she keeps on avoiding him now is because she met her ex on the mall that she usually goes to another effort on her ex’s part… and then the ex told her they would go on a friendly chat and eat up at Shakeys… I was kinda mad at that part and told her he has not moved on, you have not moved on, you want that both of you would move on, why would you agree with the friendly date? This resulted in a huge fight that we had, from chats/calls and etc.

 

So she did what she had to do after that which is the things that I have mentioned above, full no contact, full block everything, she goes into a different route so that she doesn’t meet with her ex… basically everything she wants to do… and I do trust her because everytime she is not busy, she still calls me, she still wants that very long good morning and good night messages, everytime I don’t write letters to her she gets kind of mad, she also wants me to call too and not just her… even though she is super tired with her work, just that single minute that she can spare, she would spare with me… I mean I know because just listening to her voice I know she’s tired… and I’m touched by her effort... however she still considers our relationship to be that of a best friend type… I told her a situational question once that “what if we have relationships?”.

 

Can you handle it that even though that I have a girlfriend I can still ask advices from you? She said yes.Do you want me to be around in the picture even though you have your own future boyfriend? She said yes… so what I don’t understand is why does she still want me around when if example we have our own relationships?

 

She says she loves me, if you have seen my first post in this topic in the link I provided, she was the one who confessed first. Right now what we have is friendship… a very close friendship where each of us would always call each other everyday, video call each other everyday, text and chat… the letters every other two days and the very long good night and good morning messages that she always wants… the poems and all the singings that she wants to hear from me because she is a bad singer... we basically also know each others negatives and positives but not all as of yet… she says she does love me but she is not yet ready for a relationship knowing that she still has not fully moved on yet… she wants to be equal with her next partner. I mean is this what best friends do? Isn’t this like courtship or like a BF/GF territory already? Can anyone give advice on this situation? I mean I can wait for a long time… I did it with my ex a long time ago which I waited within a year but that was because I didn’t worry too much. Right now something seems off… it’s like I have a chance but not sure…

Edited May 9, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads merged ~6

[ExpatInItaly]

No, this isn't boyfriend/girlfriend territory.

 

That would involve going on dates and spending quality time together in person, but you've never even met this girl. Talking on the phone and sending messages isn't the same as having a real relationship.

 

She told you she sees you as a friend - you need to listen to her and believe her. You're going to get hurt if you don't.

[Venn]

She just said this night that she still loves her ex. I told her to let me move on but she wouldn't let me... why doesn't she want me to move on when she already said that she loves her ex still.

Edited May 10, 2017 by Venn

[ExpatInItaly]

She just said this night that she still loves her ex. I told her to let me move on but she wouldn't let me... why doesn't she want me to move on when she already said that she loves her ex still.

 

So she can keep you around as a back-up plan in case her first priority (ie. her ex) doesn't work out.

 

Don't do this to yourself, OP. You're already too invested and attached.

[Venn]

Well what is the best way to free myself from this? She keeps telling herself that she is being stupid for loving him... she did what she could... block him in Facebook... block him in Cellphone... go to different routes so that they dont meet. Basically she still fell inlove with him again even though she was avoidinf him like I adviced her so.

 

She is afraid that her famil and friends will neglect her or even get her thrown out of the house because they did everything they can to make her move on... our advices were the same.

 

She keeps telling herself she is now happy that she is without him... she keeps telling herself she doesn't want to be with him because of what he did to her... one and a half year of no sparks anymore... he would rather play basketball than be with her... he doesn't have the initiative to carry her stuff... etc... basically they ended up in having no sparks anymore and the ex decided to break up with her. She kept on calling him texting him but he just wont reply... so 6 months later this happens.

 

I did everything I could to make her happy with me... I sing songs for her... I write letters for her... I bring videos to her saying how much I love her... all the video calls... text messages and chats... basically she made it that I am her first priority because she did what I told her to do and her family too... which is to block him... and no matter what she does whats inside her heart is still him...

 

Should I just tell her to just be with him even though her ex did that to her and her family and friends dont like her ex? Should I move away from her now despite she told me "I dont want you out of my life" and I want you to be always be there for me.

 

Is she being selfish or is this a normal reaction? Basically since she accepted that her ex wont come back anymore so she decided to date people online and thats where I met her... so all my efforts those entire 4 months was a waste?? Why did her ex come back to her anyway if he was just gonna leave her like that. I tried my best and all that I could possibly do even when I am long distance yet she still loves him.mm and she doesnt want to let go of me... what did she do wrong?? What did I do wrong??

 

She keeps on crying over the phone from this... and Im about to cry also from the sadness... because it felt all my efforts were a waste... it felt that all my investments and attachments were a waste...

 

Whats the best thing for me to do with her so that I wont get hurt... so that she wont get hurt... so that everyone is happy?? Please tell me advice... I'm super hurt with the revelation even thoufh I knew it was kinda coming... Im in desperate need of help....

Edited May 10, 2017 by Venn

[ExpatInItaly]

Your mistake was investing in an online fantasy, essentially. You got carried away with the idea of it, but you will have to use this as a lesson not to emotionally attach to a person you have never met. You had an image built up in your mind without any solid foundation to support it. I realize you communicated her a lot, but that's just not the same as dating and having a relationship. This is why it's important to meet someone before you go imagining or planning a future together.

 

You won't be able to make yourself and her totally happy with this situation.

 

You want her. She wants her ex. The only real option to avoid more pain is stop interacting with her like this. You need to take significant space away from her. That won't make her happy, but OP, how happy will you be when you hear they're getting back together while you've been desperately trying to woo her? I can nearly guarantee that's what's going to happen. It's already headed that way.

 

There really isn't a win-win scenario here. Not in the short-term, anyway. But eventually you will realize that investing in someone like this was not a good idea, and you will be able to make room in your mind and heart for someone who doesn't have an ex in the picture. This girl is not the be-all and end-all of your love life. There are better options for you.

Edited May 10, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[Venn]

Then why all the effort for me? Why all the letters and all the singing, all the video calls that she wants with me... all the text messages and all the long messages, when in her heart its her ex that she wants?

 

I thought everything was going so well too... I did trust her that she avoided her to her best extent... I can see that the stalker account of her ex is true to what she said... because the guy can't find any means of communication with her... he regretted what he did and he wanted to commit suicide.